Am I being oversensitive or taken advantage of?

[Jezzara]

Next, your "ENM" status: do you mean swinging? Both polyamory and swinging are under the "ethical non-monogamy" umbrella. It sounds like you're comfortable with the "sport sex but no feelings" aspect of swinging, but not comfortable at all with your nesting partner's polyamory. You and she have done some swinging. Maybe you'd like her to do more of that with you, and focus less on dating on her own, one-on-one with others.

So...we met at a sex club over three years ago when she was there with her other partner. Neither of us had been to that event before. Neither of us were looking for anything more than a good time. But, as stupid as it sounds, given the location, I instantly fell for her and knew I had to speak to them. We hit it off (no intimacy that night). We met the next night at a different club (not planned as such, we'd both said we might be there). The chemistry was instant. We spent all evening together, chatted for hours, and we were intimate. We met again the next two nights. Since then, we became bf/gf very quickly. We have been engaged for a couple of years now. We've been to clubs together, and as a threesome with her other partner. We've played with strangers and do still do this sometimes.

I do feel guilty flirting with randoms when she's there, as it has upset her on occasion. So I rein it in. But I miss the confidence boost and thrill of being desired by a stranger. I've never thought previously I could be poly, as I find it hard to understand the splitting of time/love etc., even though she's given me amazing examples and ways to think about it in our many conversations. But the more I learn about it, I think I'm somewhere in between mono and poly. I can separate sex with randoms/her with new partners as just a physical act and not be bothered, but when feelings are involved, I struggle with jealousy/envy/insecurity. I could see myself with an FWB, maybe a relationship, but I'm not certain. We've been talking about me exploring this.

I'm 100% on board with the ENM mindset of "no one person can be someone's everything," but it's the emotional side I have problems coping with, given my completely mono experience prior to meeting her.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for more info. Yes, as I suspected, you're okay with her having sex with others, but are still trying to get used to her sharing emotions/love/romance with other partners.

I wouldn't call your prior experience "completely mono," as you've certainly done your share of having sex outside of relationships. Generally, monogamy means you're only sharing sex with one person, period. We could say you're poly-sexual, but not poly-romantic.

Some people are okay with their partners sharing emotions with another, but no sex. Others are okay with their partners sharing sex, but not emotions.

Personally, I feel that sharing sex or kink in ENM environments is playing with fire. Our bodies are set up to associate sex with emotions. Hormones are released during sex which, for most people, trigger feelings of attachment, bonding, and emotional intimacy. As trust builds, true love is likely to occur.

Perhaps it's easy for you to separate sex and love. Many swingers take particular steps to avoid developing feelings for and deep intimacy with casual sex partners, such as:

not making extended eye contact
no kissing on the mouth
no cuddling after sex
no one-on-one vanilla dates
no sharing of deep thoughts, family memories, vulnerabilities
etc.

It just so happened you developed deep feelings for your partner at a sex club, because you weren't taking the above precautions. And since she's actually poly, she's fine with having deep relationships with more than one person at a time. She also apparently enjoys swinging.

Again, this will all be clearer if you do more research, like reading the book I recommended.

 

[Jezzara]

Good luck showing her the poly hell article. You can reserve a time for a talk, and not just spring it on her when she's not feeling well or is distracted. I wonder how experienced she is at polyamory if she doesn't understand how to control her NRE!

She's been practicing polyamory for around 5 years, but her ex was very controlling and abusive in the marriage and so it wasn't really until just before we met that she properly started.

As for your wanting to rekindle NRE with her, you can't. You have the advantage of an established relationship. I call the feeling we should strive for "ERI," established relationship intimacy, where the people know each other well, and have a fuller deeper appreciation for each other. NRE is based on being strangers, the mere novelty of it all.

I like the sound of ERI. That's a nice way to look at it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Jezzara,

It's understandable that your partner is immersed in NRE, but it's not okay that she is letting the NRE nudge her into neglecting you. The things she is doing to you are unfortunately very common in NRE situations, we get a lot of those things here on this forum. Sure the NRE will fizzle eventually, but that could take as long as a year or two. I don't know if you'll be able to endure it that long, or if you even want to. She can't dictate how she feels, but she can at least do actions that show she cares. She can do dates with you, in which she turns her phone off. She can step up and do more of the housework and child care. She can scale down the amount of stuff she tells you about the new guy. I don't think the amount she's currently sharing is healthy for you.

It sounds like things have improved a little, that's good to hear.
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

I was hurt and then immediately thought, "No, you're being silly. It doesn't actually effect you, and there's no reason she shouldn't do that. It's not like you can expect her to never go somewhere you've been together, as that's not fair on her or him."

That's a good catch. She should have kept that thought to herself, but you catching yours was showing you are learning to think things out instead of reacting. This is part of "the work" that needs to be done in polyamory.

But with time, I'm sure it'll get easier. Doesn't it?

Yes. The more experience you have with thinking through situations like this the easier it gets to navigate the situations and feelings.

Also, I'm curious to see if I am in any way made for polyamory, which she has promised to help and support me in discovering.

I know you are thinking that dating others and loving them is the challenge of whether you are poly or not. That's actually the easy part. It may or may not be for you. BUT the hard part of poly is being comfortable with your partner loving and being sexual with others. Even if you decide dating others isn't for you, you are still polyamorous as long as your partner has other partners and you are doing the work to be okay with it.

Also, if you find someone you click with, as you did with her, your own experience will be eye opening. You'll see first hand how it doesn't change how you feel about your partner. That being said, other partners can highlight things you are ignoring in your other relationships. If you choose not to work on those things you might find yourself not wanting to be in that relationship any more. Relationships stand or fail on their own, but more compatible relationships can show you the incompatibilities of others.

I can separate sex with randoms/her with new partners as just a physical act and not be bothered, but when feelings are involved I struggle with jealousy/envy/insecurity.

These are the things you'll be working on to have a poly relationship with her. Mastering your thoughts and feelings is a skill that can be learned and will serve you well, no matter the type of relationships you choose to have.

I'm 100% on board with the ENM mindset of no one person can be someone's everything, but it's the emotional side I have problems coping with, given my completely mono experience prior to meeting her

Yeah, that programming takes work to get over and it's a process that happens a little at a time. I know poly people who have lived poly exclusively for decades or more and still have some monogamous programming pop up every now and then.

 

[Tinwen]

The comment about her wanting to take him to minigolf too, several people commented it was rude. My judgement is closer to yours, like, it's just a casual conversation thing. I think whether to share such thoughts or not is entirely dependent on what sits well with the couple and the comment can't be marked as intrinsically rude.

I'm thinking it could be viewed as rude since you are currently in a jealous place and every reminder of your metamour kills your mood.

On the other hand, I've never been a hinge long-term, but I've had a taste of NRE. Not being able to say any thoughts at all about the other relationship feels suffocating, and I don't think I could ever meet that request. I don't ask this of my partner either, except perhaps during sexytime.

It's one of those areas to strike a balance on.

 

[Jezzara]

We met up with B's other partner and spent yesterday and this morning together/them alone together for a bit. It was good to see him again, as it's been over 6 months apart, and the smile on B's face was lovely.

I'm on the way to work now and the new guy is coming over to our house for the first time whilst I'm out. We've told the teenage kids about it all, as they may be home whilst he's there, and they seemed to take it well.

I'm slightly apprehensive, but mostly OK, as 1) I'm at work, so distracted and 2) I've reminded myself it doesn't affect me, as it's her spare time, not using our time together for him instead.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Jezzara,

Thanks for that update, it sounds like you are taking little steps toward living with polyamory, hopefully B will learn to be more considerate in spite of her NRE, and hopefully you'll continue to wrap your mind around the challenging situation.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Jezzara]

She's checked in a couple of times with me this evening and just messaged to ask if I want a pizza ordered, as they are getting one. My initial reaction was no, as it's a physical reminder of the fact she's spending the evening with him, but she asked if I was sure and I thought, actually, yeah ok, I am getting hungry and she's asking because she cares, not to rub it in, like my head told me at first.

It's difficult shutting out the voices that tell me she's going to leave , he's better in every way, etc., but I know that's the area I have to work on, just as much as her with the consideration during NRE stage.

 

[kdt26417]

Things will continue to improve, I am hopeful of the situation.

 

[Jezzara]

Well, that was a bit awkward! I messaged to let B know I was on the way home, as agreed, and despite her phone being on loud it didn't make a sound. (She got another message once I was home and that didn't either, so not an excuse, but genuine.) So as a result, I have now met new guy! It was alright. Bit awkward for both of us, as unexpected, but no massive stress, and I have a face, etc., to the name now, so I'm calling it a happy accident.

I was a bit hurt that she'd not had a chance to shower, etc., as per our boundaries after sex with others, but this wasn't a deliberate slight on me, just because of the phone issue. We talked about it, she apologised that things didn't go as we'd discussed. But it was accidental, so I'm not too upset, just a little at the unexpectedness. But it's OK, really.

Is this a net positive? Am I reacting normally or rolling over?

 

[Evie]

You're being normal to my mind.

 

[Tinwen]

It's good to be able to just meet and greet your metamours.

It seems the answer to your title question might be "neither".

 

[Jezzara]

B is struggling today. I think it's a combination of the intensity of the weekend, seeing all three of us at different times, wearing off, the evening with new guy not going 100% to plan, missing him already, as they aren't sure when they are next together, and also her eldest was very sarcastic/bitchy all last night towards her and the new guy, apparently.

She's told me she's feeling sad, but says I can't help make it better, which I think means she just needs to feel her feels for a bit. It's normal, but my head is twisting into "I'm not good enough anymore, I can't make her happy anymore, she doesn't get comfort from me anymore."

Today is going to be really hard, as she's at work now, then I'm picking her up and going straight to work myself, so I'm going to spend the whole day stressing what I'm coming back to and worrying about her. For me, intimacy is a big part in feeling reconnected as a couple after she's been with other partners. But that, understandably, isn't going to be a thing atm, which is also making my head tell me she's not interested in that with me, as she has him now.

I hate being mentally ill.

 

[kdt26417]

That sounds rough, hang in there. Don't let the voices tell you you're not good enough. I feel certain B just needs some space right now, it's nothing you did wrong.

 

[Jezzara]

That sounds rough, hang in there. Don't let the voices tell you you're not good enough. I feel certain B just needs some space right now, it's nothing you did wrong.

Thank you. It's hard still, atm, as I want to comfort her, but it feels strange comforting her for being sad about someone else, and the knock-on effect that has on us. I'm just stuffing my feelings in a box to be there for her when she needs it. She has bad mental health issues and that, combined with sub drop, missing partners, etc., has really done a number on her.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like things are rough for both of you. You are trying to be the strong one and help her, but you're only human, you are going to be affected by all of this.

 

[Tinwen]

It sounds like perhaps she took on too much for one weekend and will have to learn to slow down.
You're being very understanding. Are some real-world people you can reach out to who can support you while on this steep learning curve?

 

[Magdlyn]

She has bad mental health issues and that, combined with sub drop, missing partners, etc., has really done a number on her.

Not to be harsh (believe me, I understand mental health issues), but is she aware that it's not best to take on dating multiple people when one is struggling badly mentally (or physically, for that matter)? I personally take a break from dating anyone new when I am depressed. And I don't date people with mental health issues that are not reasonably well-managed. People can really hurt someone if they date when they are depressed or otherwise struggling. They can tend to do or say unreasonable things. And people themselves are vulnerable to being hurt or even abused when they are not fully functional mentally (or again, physically), and not undergoing effective treatment. They can make bad choices, or take risks they shouldn't, they might drink too much, and/or go home with a sketchy or inebriated stranger, etc.

I'm not saying your partner WILL make bad choices, but it's just more likely when one is not well mentally.

I hate being mentally ill.

So you're both mentally ill, and raising several children, and trying to have an open polyamorous relationship? Many poly folk take breaks from poly-dating when the kids are young. Add in mental illness in both parents, and this does not sound like the best time to be attempting to have an open relationship.

 

[Bobbi]

Well, that was a bit awkward! I messaged to let B know I was on the way home, as agreed, and despite her phone being on loud it didn't make a sound. (She got another message once I was home and that didn't either, so not an excuse, but genuine.) So as a result, I have now met new guy! It was alright. Bit awkward for both of us, as unexpected, but no massive stress, and I have a face, etc., to the name now, so I'm calling it a happy accident.

I was a bit hurt that she'd not had a chance to shower, etc., as per our boundaries after sex with others, but this wasn't a deliberate slight on me, just because of the phone issue. We talked about it, she apologised that things didn't go as we'd discussed. But it was accidental, so I'm not too upset, just a little at the unexpectedness. But it's OK, really.

Is this a net positive? Am I reacting normally or rolling over?

I'm glad you met him. I know it's hard, but I find meeting metas actually isn't as bad as my mind creates. Seeing them and acknowledging each other is almost always a good thing.

Yes, this is all normal. You are doing great at thinking outside of your feelings. Mistakes will happen. Try to support one another through those things and you'll be better off for it.