I have always been intrigued in poly as a single woman, but now that I’m married it has been brought up. Is it best to bring on someone you might have mutual friends? My spouse has been friends with this individual for quite some time, as well as had intercourse 1–2x in the friendship. I have never met her. Recently they had intercourse because I did give that permission, but didn’t realize that this was the same girl that my husband wanted to introduce me to about this poly relationship. My concern is the way I read text messages that it seemed as if I wouldn’t be included. Both had said their intentions were to include me, but texts would be like “I can’t wait til I can take you out” or “when are you available so I can **** you?” etc. It all seems sneaky and it just doesn’t sit right with me. My husband has discussed how that wasn’t his intention, and he just wasn’t sure how to fully bring it to my attention, etc. The lady does want to sit down with me to chat so she can explain why they went about it the way they did. But again, this could be me overthinking it. I’m not sure. This is all new and I am not sure if I should trust my husband with this process. I feel like that’s an issue.
Considering poly, but some hiccups
- Thread starter SweetP18
- Start date
Hi SweetP, welcome to polyamory.com 
Would you mind clarifying what type of polyamorous relationship you're seeking, because right now it sounds like you may be expecting your husband's girlfriend whom you've never met, to want to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with you, too. Or are you simply wanting to become friends with her as your metamour and be able to share space comfortably? Have a kitchen table polyamory type of relationship where you can hang out together. So please do let us know what do you mean by, "it seemed as if I wouldn't be included?" That way we can give more appropriate feedback.
So, since he's dating her, are you looking for a man (or woman if you are bi) to date for yourself? So then your husband will be the metamour to your boyfriend. These are generally the most stable configurations of polyamory: one or both of the original married couple become a hinge to a second relationship. I know - so much poly vocabulary I've used in just a paragraph and a half! We do that so we can be precise in our communication, since effective communication is absolutely paramount to sustainable polyamory.
So in my polycule, or at least the bit most central to me, there's my husband, who currently isn't dating anyone; my partner; and my partner's wife. I'm the hinge between my partner and my husband, and my partner is a hinge between me and his wife. So like an "N" shape. My husband and my partner have met before and got along well over an afternoon of beers and dinner from the grill (I ended up cooking because they were so engrossed in conversation!), and I'm sure they will do so again, but I have yet to meet my partner's wife. I will, though, as we'll all be living in the same city by next year we expect. We're even talking about perhaps buying a doer-upper house to work on as a polycule!
Back in my younger years, I met a guy who was married and even though we weren't looking to, we fell hard for each other. So he told his wife and, after a bit of a rather expected meltdown at first, she agreed to open their relationship. I don't know what they discussed between themselves, but at the first opportunity, she insisted I sleep with her, like doing so was the price of admission to him. Dear oh dear, I wish I would have known back then it didn't need to be like that. Let's just say, there were no forums like this back then; the internet was comparatively small (and before really good search engines) and none of us had ever heard of the word polyamory let alone able to talk to anyone else about it. So it didn't last. It ended badly, and I look back now and see her behaviour as, well, predatory. In the moment, I was just too keen to build a positive relationship with him, and consequently her, that I went along with everything. In saying all that, we did have some fun times as a triad. Everything from road trips to housekeeping was done with a smile for a while. But it definitely wasn't sustainable and the fallout had very long term consequences.
What was it that intrigued you about polyamory when you were younger? I know I was enamored with the idea of one big loving family, "like being married in a group" (ooof, I was naive!) but as a fully grown adult, my favourite parts of polyamory are autonomy and self-determination. There's more independence, not less. Because I have relationships with two men now, I also need to ensure I have really strong boundaries around having myself as my primary "relationship". If I don't look after me, I cannot possibly have the energy to do justice to sustaining relationships with two other people.
I was really lucky that growing up I saw my parents have their own hobbies and interests outside of each other. They took turns going out to their different activities on different nights, and then when I was old enough to stay home alone, sometimes both would be out at different things on the same night. When I was little, if they went out somewhere together, I had a babysitter. So I saw that there could be a strong marriage (they are old now, and still together), but also fulfilling, independent friends and hobbies.
I hope you already have interests and friends to fill your evenings when your husband is out with his girlfriend or staying overnight with her. You said you "gave permission" for them to have sex - was that just a hall pass type of thing of an afternoon but back before bedtime? Or you giving a green light for them to move their relationship from friends to lovers for the foreseeable future? It sounds like they're already headed down that track so I recommend not overthinking it and just giving them the autonomy to develop their relationship at its own pace as far as it will (remember, not all relationships last past the initial infatuation period.) Then he can afford you the same courtesy when you meet someone that you like and who likes you back. You can make agreements on how many nights a week are your own to use as you wish (rather like my parents) and then you can simply know that each other are out on those nights and it doesn't actually matter where or who with. Do you already have kids? Will childcare be something to navigate? Oh, while you're divvying up time, remember to also talk about some kind of personal spending money if you don't already do that. Dating and hobbies can both be expensive, and you don't want the scales to tip too far into one person spending on themselves and the other not having the same ability. That's exactly the kind of thing that builds resentment. There is an infinite capacity for love, but time and money are finite resources.
Sorry, this is probably heaps to think about and perhaps you either have already, or all of this is realising that you're only really seeing the tip of the iceberg and there's still a lot of logistics to work out (and even with this I've only touched on some basics). We have heaps of resources available and can make some specific recommendations if you let us know more about what you've already researched and discussed and what is still unbroken ground.
best wishes
Evie
Would you mind clarifying what type of polyamorous relationship you're seeking, because right now it sounds like you may be expecting your husband's girlfriend whom you've never met, to want to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with you, too. Or are you simply wanting to become friends with her as your metamour and be able to share space comfortably? Have a kitchen table polyamory type of relationship where you can hang out together. So please do let us know what do you mean by, "it seemed as if I wouldn't be included?" That way we can give more appropriate feedback.
So, since he's dating her, are you looking for a man (or woman if you are bi) to date for yourself? So then your husband will be the metamour to your boyfriend. These are generally the most stable configurations of polyamory: one or both of the original married couple become a hinge to a second relationship. I know - so much poly vocabulary I've used in just a paragraph and a half! We do that so we can be precise in our communication, since effective communication is absolutely paramount to sustainable polyamory.
So in my polycule, or at least the bit most central to me, there's my husband, who currently isn't dating anyone; my partner; and my partner's wife. I'm the hinge between my partner and my husband, and my partner is a hinge between me and his wife. So like an "N" shape. My husband and my partner have met before and got along well over an afternoon of beers and dinner from the grill (I ended up cooking because they were so engrossed in conversation!), and I'm sure they will do so again, but I have yet to meet my partner's wife. I will, though, as we'll all be living in the same city by next year we expect. We're even talking about perhaps buying a doer-upper house to work on as a polycule!
Back in my younger years, I met a guy who was married and even though we weren't looking to, we fell hard for each other. So he told his wife and, after a bit of a rather expected meltdown at first, she agreed to open their relationship. I don't know what they discussed between themselves, but at the first opportunity, she insisted I sleep with her, like doing so was the price of admission to him. Dear oh dear, I wish I would have known back then it didn't need to be like that. Let's just say, there were no forums like this back then; the internet was comparatively small (and before really good search engines) and none of us had ever heard of the word polyamory let alone able to talk to anyone else about it. So it didn't last. It ended badly, and I look back now and see her behaviour as, well, predatory. In the moment, I was just too keen to build a positive relationship with him, and consequently her, that I went along with everything. In saying all that, we did have some fun times as a triad. Everything from road trips to housekeeping was done with a smile for a while. But it definitely wasn't sustainable and the fallout had very long term consequences.
What was it that intrigued you about polyamory when you were younger? I know I was enamored with the idea of one big loving family, "like being married in a group" (ooof, I was naive!) but as a fully grown adult, my favourite parts of polyamory are autonomy and self-determination. There's more independence, not less. Because I have relationships with two men now, I also need to ensure I have really strong boundaries around having myself as my primary "relationship". If I don't look after me, I cannot possibly have the energy to do justice to sustaining relationships with two other people.
I was really lucky that growing up I saw my parents have their own hobbies and interests outside of each other. They took turns going out to their different activities on different nights, and then when I was old enough to stay home alone, sometimes both would be out at different things on the same night. When I was little, if they went out somewhere together, I had a babysitter. So I saw that there could be a strong marriage (they are old now, and still together), but also fulfilling, independent friends and hobbies.
I hope you already have interests and friends to fill your evenings when your husband is out with his girlfriend or staying overnight with her. You said you "gave permission" for them to have sex - was that just a hall pass type of thing of an afternoon but back before bedtime? Or you giving a green light for them to move their relationship from friends to lovers for the foreseeable future? It sounds like they're already headed down that track so I recommend not overthinking it and just giving them the autonomy to develop their relationship at its own pace as far as it will (remember, not all relationships last past the initial infatuation period.) Then he can afford you the same courtesy when you meet someone that you like and who likes you back. You can make agreements on how many nights a week are your own to use as you wish (rather like my parents) and then you can simply know that each other are out on those nights and it doesn't actually matter where or who with. Do you already have kids? Will childcare be something to navigate? Oh, while you're divvying up time, remember to also talk about some kind of personal spending money if you don't already do that. Dating and hobbies can both be expensive, and you don't want the scales to tip too far into one person spending on themselves and the other not having the same ability. That's exactly the kind of thing that builds resentment. There is an infinite capacity for love, but time and money are finite resources.
Sorry, this is probably heaps to think about and perhaps you either have already, or all of this is realising that you're only really seeing the tip of the iceberg and there's still a lot of logistics to work out (and even with this I've only touched on some basics). We have heaps of resources available and can make some specific recommendations if you let us know more about what you've already researched and discussed and what is still unbroken ground.
best wishes
Evie
You're asking if it is common to become lovers (have a sexual and/or romantic relationship) with someone who was a good friend? Sure, it happens. Some polyamorous people prefer to be friends first, to really get to know someone, before taking it to the next level, actual dating and sex. And what do you know? Monoamorous people have friendships turn into romantic or sexual relationships too, all the time.
It's not clear what you're saying here, but I don't see why this is important.
Is your husband showing you all the text messages between him and his friend? Or were you sneaking looks?
Some married or coupled poly folks show their established partners all their text messages with others to be "open and transparent." This is NOT a great idea, imo, for a couple reasons. One, it violates the privacy the other partner might want. Two, you might read something that makes you feel worse, jealous, upset, etc. Many of us don't WANT to know the details of the sex our partners are having with others. That's TMI (too much information). There's no need to have it shoved in your face.
Why is this "sneaky"? Two people talking about future dates. Pretty normal stuff.
Bring what to your attention? That he's dating someone else? That they're having sex, which is normal adult behavior?
Healthy polyamory does require trust between partners. But then again, so does any healthy romantic relationship, or even friendship. What do you trust or not trust your husband to do?
One more thing-- like Evie, I am wondering if you think polyamory=group sex. Are you assuming this friend, now gf, of your husband's is supposed to have threesome sex with you? Let me clear that up. Polyamory does not mean group sex. Polyamory means loving more than one person with the knowledge and consent of all parties.
You know your husband is starting a sexual relationship with his friend. That's all there really is to know. You don't need to be involved with her. You don't need to read their texts. If you feel you must see their text conversations, you and hubs need her permission to do so. If she'd rather keep private messages private, that's her right.
You might want to read this about the rights of "secondary partners," for more.
Also, check out our list of general articles, books, a podcast, about many polyamory topics here:
To me, these seem like ordinary messages people who are dating (or fuckinh, lol) might exchange - and polyamorous dating is still dating. Your husband may prefer a more parallel version of poly than you do - so that's something you need to talk about.
Otherwise, please leave those messages alone. Each diad needs it's own provacy. You will appreciate that when you date yourself.
Otherwise, please leave those messages alone. Each diad needs it's own provacy. You will appreciate that when you date yourself.
I am not sure what you are asking in that sentence. Would you please be willing to clarify? WHO is bringing WHAT on? Why do you have to be involved with whatever they are doing, or accept it?
- You do not have to date the same person as your spouse in polyamory. It's not a requirement.
- You do not have to share group sex in polyamory. It's not a requirement.
- You do not have to live together in polyamory. It's not a requirement.
- Even if you are up for polyamory, you are not obligated to do it with with THIS husband, if he just doesn't have the skills. Why sign up for something wonky?
Is your husband is pushing you to poly-date in a triad with him and this woman? Is your husband pushing for group sex? What does he mean when he says "polyamory"? What do you understand polyamory to be? Polyamory means "many loves." People date and have more than one partner/GF/BF-type person, with the knowledge and consent of all involved.
Whether he is or isn't pushing things on you, you could tell him, "I'm up for polyamory, but it would need at least a year of research, or working with a poly-friendly counselor first. I don't want to date the same people you date. If we open up, I'll be dating my own people. You can date your own people.
We also do not read each other's texts from other people. I have a passcode on my devices. You could put one on yours. We have other shared agreements to design, and more to learn, but passcodes and not peeking at each other's texts can happen right now."
All the more reason to pass on dating her yourself. They can have their own thing, and if a mess is brewing, it can all be his problem to deal with. Not yours. Nobody wants to be the person someone half-heartedly dates just to gain access to the spouse they REALLY want. If you want to explore polyamory, be okay with you and your spouse dating totally separate people.
You can also say, "No, I agreed to a one-time thing for you and your friend to share sex. I do not agree to polyamory at this time. I do not agree to you having more sex encounters with your friend."
YOU get to decide what you are, and are not, up for.
You could say, "Thanks for the honesty. You don't have enough communication skills right now. We both agree on that. I might be up for polyamory, but not like THIS. It would have to be at least a year of talking with a poly-friendly counselor to create realistic shared agreements, and for you/us to work on strengthening weak communication skills. If you don't communicate well with one partner, I don't see how you will communicate well with more than on partner."
You might be interested in polyamory, but not necessarily with HIM, with his current skill set. If you want to find a poly counselor, you could try--
www.polyfriendly.org
You don't have to accept every invitation you receive. You can say "No, thanks. I'm not up for a chat."
Why's she so eager to do your husband's hinge jobs FOR him? The one who could be explaining is HIM. You never met her. This would be a pretty weird first meeting.
I would agree.
All the more reason to say, "No, thanks. I might be up for polyamory, but not like THIS. You don't have enough communication skills right now. It would have to be at least a year of talking with a poly counselor and working to strengthen weak skills before actually opening the marriage so we both can poly-date other people."
I'd wonder what kind of hinge he's gonna be if he can't even get out of the gate decently? Why would you want to sign up for something wonky? It's okay to vote "no confidence at this time," and not open yet.
Galagirl
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Hello SweetP18,
I'm glad you could join our forum, I guess my vote is to try poly in spite of the hiccups. Just learn as much as you can about poly, before you dive into it. Your husband has been less than transparent with you, he needs to be taking steps to restore your trust.
As for the other woman he is seeing, my vote would be to let them grow their relationship, however do so cautiously and don't let them have too much NRE for each other. I mean they're going to have NRE, just don't let your husband neglect you. Remind him you're still here.
Regards,
Kevin T.
I'm glad you could join our forum, I guess my vote is to try poly in spite of the hiccups. Just learn as much as you can about poly, before you dive into it. Your husband has been less than transparent with you, he needs to be taking steps to restore your trust.
As for the other woman he is seeing, my vote would be to let them grow their relationship, however do so cautiously and don't let them have too much NRE for each other. I mean they're going to have NRE, just don't let your husband neglect you. Remind him you're still here.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Hi EvieHi SweetP, welcome to polyamory.com
Would you mind clarifying what type of polyamorous relationship you're seeking, because right now it sounds like you may be expecting your husband's girlfriend whom you've never met, to want to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with you, too. Or are you simply wanting to become friends with her as your metamour and be able to share space comfortably? Have a kitchen table polyamory type of relationship where you can hang out together. So please do let us know what do you mean by, "it seemed as if I wouldn't be included?" That way we can give more appropriate feedback.
So, since he's dating her, are you looking for a man (or woman if you are bi) to date for yourself? So then your husband will be the metamour to your boyfriend. These are generally the most stable configurations of polyamory: one or both of the original married couple become a hinge to a second relationship. I know - so much poly vocabulary I've used in just a paragraph and a half! We do that so we can be precise in our communication, since effective communication is absolutely paramount to sustainable polyamory.
So in my polycule, or at least the bit most central to me, there's my husband, who currently isn't dating anyone; my partner; and my partner's wife. I'm the hinge between my partner and my husband, and my partner is a hinge between me and his wife. So like an "N" shape. My husband and my partner have met before and got along well over an afternoon of beers and dinner from the grill (I ended up cooking because they were so engrossed in conversation!), and I'm sure they will do so again, but I have yet to meet my partner's wife. I will, though, as we'll all be living in the same city by next year we expect. We're even talking about perhaps buying a doer-upper house to work on as a polycule!
Back in my younger years, I met a guy who was married and even though we weren't looking to, we fell hard for each other. So he told his wife and, after a bit of a rather expected meltdown at first, she agreed to open their relationship. I don't know what they discussed between themselves, but at the first opportunity, she insisted I sleep with her, like doing so was the price of admission to him. Dear oh dear, I wish I would have known back then it didn't need to be like that. Let's just say, there were no forums like this back then; the internet was comparatively small (and before really good search engines) and none of us had ever heard of the word polyamory let alone able to talk to anyone else about it. So it didn't last. It ended badly, and I look back now and see her behaviour as, well, predatory. In the moment, I was just too keen to build a positive relationship with him, and consequently her, that I went along with everything. In saying all that, we did have some fun times as a triad. Everything from road trips to housekeeping was done with a smile for a while. But it definitely wasn't sustainable and the fallout had very long term consequences.
What was it that intrigued you about polyamory when you were younger? I know I was enamored with the idea of one big loving family, "like being married in a group" (ooof, I was naive!) but as a fully grown adult, my favourite parts of polyamory are autonomy and self-determination. There's more independence, not less. Because I have relationships with two men now, I also need to ensure I have really strong boundaries around having myself as my primary "relationship". If I don't look after me, I cannot possibly have the energy to do justice to sustaining relationships with two other people.
I was really lucky that growing up I saw my parents have their own hobbies and interests outside of each other. They took turns going out to their different activities on different nights, and then when I was old enough to stay home alone, sometimes both would be out at different things on the same night. When I was little, if they went out somewhere together, I had a babysitter. So I saw that there could be a strong marriage (they are old now, and still together), but also fulfilling, independent friends and hobbies.
I hope you already have interests and friends to fill your evenings when your husband is out with his girlfriend or staying overnight with her. You said you "gave permission" for them to have sex - was that just a hall pass type of thing of an afternoon but back before bedtime? Or you giving a green light for them to move their relationship from friends to lovers for the foreseeable future? It sounds like they're already headed down that track so I recommend not overthinking it and just giving them the autonomy to develop their relationship at its own pace as far as it will (remember, not all relationships last past the initial infatuation period.) Then he can afford you the same courtesy when you meet someone that you like and who likes you back. You can make agreements on how many nights a week are your own to use as you wish (rather like my parents) and then you can simply know that each other are out on those nights and it doesn't actually matter where or who with. Do you already have kids? Will childcare be something to navigate? Oh, while you're divvying up time, remember to also talk about some kind of personal spending money if you don't already do that. Dating and hobbies can both be expensive, and you don't want the scales to tip too far into one person spending on themselves and the other not having the same ability. That's exactly the kind of thing that builds resentment. There is an infinite capacity for love, but time and money are finite resources.
Sorry, this is probably heaps to think about and perhaps you either have already, or all of this is realising that you're only really seeing the tip of the iceberg and there's still a lot of logistics to work out (and even with this I've only touched on some basics). We have heaps of resources available and can make some specific recommendations if you let us know more about what you've already researched and discussed and what is still unbroken ground.
best wishes
Evie
Thank you so much for responding. Shoot, I’m probably confusing myself, so my bad. The type of poly would be initially hanging out, being friends, and then sex being introduced if we connected. I was under the impression we would both met said person together and discuss to be on the same page. I didn’t think the person he was already dealing with was the same that was interested in the poly with us. Supposedly this was the entire reason that they reconnected. There was no establishment that they are together.
I would be looking for a woman.
Poly interested me in regards to sharing the responsibilities in a household and being able to engage with a new partner and not consider it cheating. But it was more for the support and togetherness.
Yes, I have things that can keep me busy, that I wouldn’t be concerned if they hung out without me. I have 4 kids and they keep ya busy. Since we have younger kids, it would be more like dating and hanging out. If we got along, great, then it would be staying over, etc. For my husband, I think it will be more sexual options for him, which that works for me, as well.
I gave a pass to just find someone to have sex with. I guess what threw me off in the text messages was the “I love you, baby,” and a few other comments that seemed to sound like leading to a relationship. The texts threw me off, because they said the whole intent of them connecting was for a kitchen table. I am not sure he would be so keen if I did the same thing and finding another person. I initially gave the pass to have sex with someone else because I had had some issues myself that I’m working on, in that area. He has been patient with me, honestly. But I’m wondering if we are not completely secure in the sex area, which will us give future issues.
I am trying to navigate and understand it as much as possible. I wish I could talk in person to some folks but I don’t know anyone in a poly relationship.
I hope that clears up some things to give some more recommendations.
Thanks again! I appreciate it so much!
Hi
Kevin thank you for reply. I appreciate it. I’m willing to hear it all out, but I feel so indifferent that I feel like it could block me from hearing and being completely open-minded. I don’t want to go into this with a negative notation. I’m worried that I would be neglected. That is one of my concerns and I did voice that to him recently. They seem to only be sexual with it, and maybe because they have known each other for awhile but wasn’t always in contact.
Thanks again for your reply! It’s very helpful.
Hi Galagirl,
Thank you for your reply. I guess what I am trying to say is, is it best to bring someone into the marriage that my spouse already had some type of connection with, or should it be someone we both don’t completely know and get to know them together? I understand those points you stated, but they told me that their intentions were to include me, and not be a separate relationship, and we would be the kitchen table poly.
When we initially discussed this before they met, we wanted someone to build with together, and for all of us to connect. Now I don’t expect them to not do their own thing if I don’t want to be involved, or if they want alone time here and there.
We do not want to include no more than 1 other, which would be a woman. We do not want any more than that. I wouldn’t say he is pushing it on me, but he wants me to be open. Thank you for the link for the poly counselor. I honestly didn’t know it was a thing. I just happened to come across this page. I’m trying to do my research and definitely don’t want to move too fast.
Right now, I have stated to put a halt on the texts and interactions until things are talked out. I wasn’t comfortable. I didn’t realize that they seemed to be doing more than just sex, but it seemed to be leading into more, based off him stating that he loves her, etc. So I know I have some concern in regards to that. I guess when I know it’s strictly sex, I’m not saying "I love you" and taking you to dinner. It’s meet up, do the deed and keep it moving.
He did explain his reasoning. I just know if I fully accept the response. I just viewed it to where we would meet initially with a lady together and build from there. That it wouldn’t be initially sex, because that can get in the way of building a true bond.
Oh, it’s going to be weird, but I am trying to be open to it.
When you say HINGE, what do you mean?
I’m leaning towards not opening up with this lady, stating that I want to pass on her, and we can revisit this a later time.
Again, thank you for the reply! I appreciate it.
Hi Tinwen,
Agreed, but I guess my issues is this: if they were stating that the reason for their connection was to include me, and the past year it hasn’t been brought to my attention, and I see the texts, it just seems suspect and sneaky. Along with my spouse stating “I love you baby," it just threw it off. I’m used to, if I’m just fuckin, that’s it. No extra mess. It’s talking, nasty meet up, and be done.
When you say parallel, what do you mean?
Thanks for your reply! I appreciate it.
That's the thing. (You + DH) are the ones who are married. This person, X, is NOT being "brought into the marriage."
I do not suggest you all try to have a full triad as newbies, like all dating each other. But even if you did, she is STILL not a part of your marriage. It would be:
- You + DH, who are married to each other
- DH + X, who are not married to each other
- You + X, who are not married to each other
Three separate dyads.
Triads models are hard to do. It's weird to be competing with your own spouse for the attentions of the new Sweetie.
It's better you each date your own separate person(s) and not have that competition.
Then it would be:
- You + DH, who are married to each other
- DH + X, who are not married to each other
- You + Y, who are not married to each other
You do not have to agree to that. But if you did, and they are already failing in that, you can say "Actually, I changed my mind. Before we get too deep, let's just change to dating separately. DH will date X. I will bow out and find my own person. X will date whoever else they want to date too."
Why start out with kitchen-table poly, rather than separate, parallel poly? If people get along enough, you might change to garden-party poly, and later on, finally, KTP? Why does it have to be instant KTP?
Include them in WHAT though? Are you talking about group sex?
Is this a one-penis policy (OPP), where, even if you and DH date separately, you each cannot date all the genders that you are attracted to? You both have to agree to only date women?
Well... how open is open? Does it include open to DECLINING this idea? Like: "I though it over and decided I don't want any poly?" Or open to breaking up with him, so he can do whatever he wants and you can do whatever you want?
Definitely educate yourself independently and slow your roll. Just because DH or X want things, doesn't mean you have to want them, too.
Be careful of that "adding someone to the marriage." It is easy to think of it like "Just like us before, but with three people!" but that's not what is going to happen emotionally. It is you and DH breaking up and disbanding the old marriage model on purpose. Even if you don't divorce legally, you are breaking up the old model, then trying to start a NEW model in its place.
What IS the new model? Maybe you only want "monogam-ish," like, mostly monogamy and casual sex once in a blue moon. Maybe you want some other kind of open model, like, ethical non-monogamy, open to casual sex or casual group sex.
Why does it have to be a KTP polyamorous triad? Did you check that all of you are using these vocabulary words in the same way, and they mean the same thing to each person?
If neither of you manages your NRE well, and this becomes poly hell, wacky stuff will happen.
kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com
You might want to prepare for all possibilities. What if you try out a triad, but everyone breaks up? You don't go back to "Original couple + that X over there," but you pair off differently, or even get down to everyone single. Then what?
I'm not saying don't change things. I'm saying learn and educate yourselves, and then go with eyes wide open, knowing all your risks. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. Walking into things blind is usually not a good way to go.
Galagirl
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Hi, SweetP. This is Magdlyn. I'm not sure if you missed my post above, but I addressed many of your questions, and provided links to articles which went further into some of these topics. (You responded to Evie, Kevin and GG, but not me, so maybe you missed my info.)
I answered this above.
So it sounds like you're saying your husband has been seeing this woman all year? Do I have that right? And he was given the green light by you to just have sex now and then, but not date her?
And you also agreed that you would both meet a woman together, someone neither of you knew before as a friend? Like, meet her on a dating site, at a party, at a club, at a local polyamory group meet-up?
But now you either sneaked into hubs' phone, or were given permission to read (I asked above which...?) and you see they've been dating regularly, having sex regularly, and hubs is even saying "I love you" to her. So this has been going on for a while, much more intimately than you were led to believe, and you haven't even met her yet, much less started a kind of "sister-wife" suggestion and arrangement.
Is that your problem?
You want to be involved with this woman, even if you don't have sex with her (not sure if you're even bisexual). You want a woman, ultimately, who wants to be around your house a lot, with your four kids, doing household chores and childcare with you? And maybe having sex with your husband (if not you) now and then?
So he originally said he wanted one woman, and you had to be in relationship with her too. But meanwhile he's been carrying on with her one-on-one for months, and you haven't even met her yet. And you're not supposed to get a partner of your own of any gender... Something is fishy here, for sure.
You can "do research" by going to the part of the board I linked for you, with all the articles and books. You can also search terms here, like "kitchen table poly," "triad," whatever, to find many threads on these topics. (We've been around since 2009; there are tons of great stories and solutions people have shared, from their own experiences and struggles just like yours.)
Has your husband suddenly agreed to stop texting and seeing this woman, after all these months, and being in love?
Do you consider that he's been cheating on you all this time?
He's been seeing her one-on-one, so either he didn't understand what you wanted, or he did, and proceeded to do what he wanted to do anyway.
Sex can be very bonding, so I don't get your reasoning.
A hinge is a partner who has two partners. The relationship forms a V shape. In this case, your husband is the bottom point of the V, the hinge, and you and the other woman are the arms of the V.
See our Glossary for more common poly terms.
Except, it sounds like hubs didn't have your consent to do what he's doing, so this isn't polyamory at all, it's just cheating. Polyamory requires full knowledge and consent of all parties.
Something tells me you're going to get some pushback on that desire, since hubs "loves" her so much. You seem to want to "veto" their existing relationship, tell them to end it. Many people don't take kindly to a third party (you) telling them how to operate their relationship.
But maybe hubs will agree to taking a break from dating X in order for you two to get some counseling. Because, girl, you two are NOT on the same page, not even the same chapter of the poly book.
Hi SweetP18,
There's a chance there's a poly group near you, google "polyamory" with the name of your state and/or nearest major city, just to see if anything comes up. It would be nice if you could talk to some poly folks in person, like you said.
Spend some time learning more about poly, so that it'll lose some of its scare as an unknown, and so that you'll have a better idea of where you want your poly experience to go. The book "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino, is a great place to start, as is this forum.
Regards,
Kevin T.
P.S. Parallel poly is the opposite of kitchen table, where the partners never see each other and never hear about each other.
There's a chance there's a poly group near you, google "polyamory" with the name of your state and/or nearest major city, just to see if anything comes up. It would be nice if you could talk to some poly folks in person, like you said.
Spend some time learning more about poly, so that it'll lose some of its scare as an unknown, and so that you'll have a better idea of where you want your poly experience to go. The book "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino, is a great place to start, as is this forum.
Regards,
Kevin T.
P.S. Parallel poly is the opposite of kitchen table, where the partners never see each other and never hear about each other.
Hi Magdyln,
Thank you for your reply! I guess I prefer to be friends first and see if there is a connection before sex is involved. I guess that’s how I've always seen it, or how it was portrayed on TV, which I know is sad, but that’s my only interaction I have had with it, honestly. I felt like it was relevant due to I didn’t think the same lady he was already dealing with was someone he wanted to bring in like a a partner.
I seen it pop up while sitting next to him and was reading it. My problem is it seemed in text it was just them, but then they said their intention is for all to be involved, or making sure I’m included. But how the texts read, I wasn’t a part of it. So that seemed misleading and felt sneaky almost as an excuse for the other things he said.
Sorry, I can’t remember what I said about bring to my attention. The thread on the phone is hard to read. I’m not sure I would trust my husband to keep it strictly sexual, which is what we only agreed on.
No, I don’t think it means group sex. I want to be able to build something before I get to sex, or even think about all of us together sexually. Actually, that’s the last thing on my mind right now.
Obviously there is so much I need to learn, hence questions being asked. I’ll def get into the podcasts and books. I wanted to do my own research and see if this is even something I would still want to pursue.
Thanks for your response. I appreciate it.
Hi Magdlyn, I got busy with kiddos so definitely wasn’t on purpose. Kinda hard to follow which posts I replied to. Yes, he has been talking to her, but he has known her for over 20 yrs. They just recently got together sexually. Yes, green light for sex only. The then was before me. It was never to have another relationship more than sex.
We never got too much into depth on it. I just thought that’s how it could go. I didn’t expect it to be someone he knew and dealt with already previously before me.
Yes, I seen it while sitting next to him, and he didn’t realize I was reading some of the messages. Not sex regularly. It’s been just 1x. Yes, that’s my problem. It seems to be more than just sexual, which was all I knew he was planning to do with a woman. I am bisexual.
When we first talked about it, he posed the question with having a 3rd to split things 3 ways, etc. In about 3 years, 2 kids will be out, so it will be 2. She has 2 grown kids and a 16 yr old son that will be moving in with his dad soon. So ideally she wanted to move in with us.
We talked about when I didn’t want to have sex that it would relieve some pressure on my end. He has a higher sex drive. I kept up initially, but slowed down after the birth of our last child 2 yrs ago.
I never planned to want to get a partner of my own. I think that will just be too much right now for me.
This is awesome that all these resources are available and I appreciate it so much.
He said he isn’t in love, but has love for her. I felt like it was too much to be saying when you have love for people. You normally be like love ya, etc. He stated he told her they can no longer sext and talk the way they have been, because I considered it sneaky, based off how they stated their initial reason for linking up, or intention, was to include me.
My husband has taken the blame, and stated he wasn’t sure how to present it to me, even though we discussed something prior. But it was before we had anyone in mind. The “I love you baby” threw it off for me. It felt like it was leading more to just sex, so I felt like it was a form of cheating. I honestly feel like he didn’t know what I wanted. I don’t think it was on purpose or intentional. I just feel like it went too far.
I wanted to be able to bond on another level before introducing sex. I didn’t want that to be the driving factor, or only factor.
I have actually mentioned he continue to sex with her if he wants. Both stated they were not trying to create a separate relationship. She was waiting on my husband to start the introductions, and go from there.
Agreed, we are on opposite ends and are ignorant to this lifestyle. It’s starting off quite rough. That’s why I decided to try to get as much research as possible. They said they would stop talking and texting now out of respect for me until the lady and I can chat, or we just chat all together.
Ok thanks! Yes I would love to meet other folks in the lifestyle. Ok I’ll look into the book! Yall have given so many links podcasts and book! I love it! Copy on parallel vs kitchen!
I don’t think we thought about separate relationships. I did at one point mention to bow out and let them continue what they have going on. It seemed like KTO is what we are leaning towards in our dynamic, I would say within the next two years, or so. No, we both haven’t discussed dating others separately, so that hasn’t been talked about. But we were just thinking of only adding 1 person, who would be a female.That's the thing. (You + DH) are the ones who are married. This person, X, is NOT being "brought into the marriage."
I do not suggest you all try to have a full triad as newbies, like all dating each other. But even if you did, she is STILL not a part of your marriage. It would be:
- You + DH, who are married to each other
- DH + X, who are not married to each other
- You + X, who are not married to each other
Three separate dyads.
Triads models are hard to do. It's weird to be competing with your own spouse for the attentions of the new Sweetie.
It's better you each date your own separate person(s) and not have that competition.
Then it would be:
- You + DH, who are married to each other
- DH + X, who are not married to each other
- You + Y, who are not married to each other
You do not have to agree to that. But if you did, and they are already failing in that, you can say "Actually, I changed my mind. Before we get too deep, let's just change to dating separately. DH will date X. I will bow out and find my own person. X will date whoever else they want to date too."
Why start out with kitchen-table poly, rather than separate, parallel poly? If people get along enough, you might change to garden-party poly, and later on, finally, KTP? Why does it have to be instant KTP?
Include them in WHAT though? Are you talking about group sex?
Is this a one-penis policy (OPP), where, even if you and DH date separately, you each cannot date all the genders that you are attracted to? You both have to agree to only date women?
Well... how open is open? Does it include open to DECLINING this idea? Like: "I though it over and decided I don't want any poly?" Or open to breaking up with him, so he can do whatever he wants and you can do whatever you want?
Definitely educate yourself independently and slow your roll. Just because DH or X want things, doesn't mean you have to want them, too.
Be careful of that "adding someone to the marriage." It is easy to think of it like "Just like us before, but with three people!" but that's not what is going to happen emotionally. It is you and DH breaking up and disbanding the old marriage model on purpose. Even if you don't divorce legally, you are breaking up the old model, then trying to start a NEW model in its place.
What IS the new model? Maybe you only want "monogam-ish," like, mostly monogamy and casual sex once in a blue moon. Maybe you want some other kind of open model, like, ethical non-monogamy, open to casual sex or casual group sex.
Why does it have to be a KTP polyamorous triad? Did you check that all of you are using these vocabulary words in the same way, and they mean the same thing to each person?
If neither of you manages your NRE well, and this becomes poly hell, wacky stuff will happen.
kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
You might want to prepare for all possibilities. What if you try out a triad, but everyone breaks up? You don't go back to "Original couple + that X over there," but you pair off differently, or even get down to everyone single. Then what?
I'm not saying don't change things. I'm saying learn and educate yourselves, and then go with eyes wide open, knowing all your risks. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. Walking into things blind is usually not a good way to go.
Galagirl
I feel like he wants to have casual sex. I definitely already know the risk of it making or breaking our marriage. We talked about that, as well.
I’m going to continue looking through the available resources, for sure. That’s why I am asking questions. I still have time to decline to meet her, etc., or decide this is no longer an option at this time.
I don't think he wants to just have casual sex since he's texting her, "I love you baby," because he seems to have already moved into the Amory part of polyamory.
So, if you can become comfortable with him being a hinge partner between the both of you, and hopefully you will hit it off with her enough to be friends, that's the next step. You may be hoping that your friendship then means you become attracted to one another enough to perhaps explore having sex together. But it doesn't sound like it's a deal breaker if it doesn't happen. It also sounds like you may be hoping that if all goes well in the long run, she could sort of be a second wife, of course without the legal protections of marriage, but many polycules work around this with LLCs, powers of attorney, etc. And of course that means you'd be introducing her to your extended families as such. Christmas, Thanksgiving, family weddings, etc. I definitely know people who have made exactly this work. The last wedding I went to was actually a triad's commitment ceremony. It couldn't be legal, because it will take the law a moment to catch up, but it was in every other sense a wedding. The three families, all the friends. And bless them, the "newer" (not so new now) wife's baby is around 3 by now. But they were all in their 20s/early 30s when they got together. You sound like at a completely different time of life, nearly empty nesters!
Definitely time to live for yourselves again
Did you agree to being in a relationship with hubs while he was seeking sex elsewhere because your own sex drive has waned? I'm perimenopausal and mine definitely has. A nice jolt of NRE can work wonders, at least temporarily, so I hope you find someone to ring your bell. You seem to be certain you would only want to be with another woman. Is that because hubs says so? That's a bit unfair if you can be attracted to men. Equitable open relationships would mean you could date/have sex with/fall in love with anyone who you find attractive. Does hubs have some insecurities around you seeing other men? Perhaps he should really examine this... after all, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
So, if you can become comfortable with him being a hinge partner between the both of you, and hopefully you will hit it off with her enough to be friends, that's the next step. You may be hoping that your friendship then means you become attracted to one another enough to perhaps explore having sex together. But it doesn't sound like it's a deal breaker if it doesn't happen. It also sounds like you may be hoping that if all goes well in the long run, she could sort of be a second wife, of course without the legal protections of marriage, but many polycules work around this with LLCs, powers of attorney, etc. And of course that means you'd be introducing her to your extended families as such. Christmas, Thanksgiving, family weddings, etc. I definitely know people who have made exactly this work. The last wedding I went to was actually a triad's commitment ceremony. It couldn't be legal, because it will take the law a moment to catch up, but it was in every other sense a wedding. The three families, all the friends. And bless them, the "newer" (not so new now) wife's baby is around 3 by now. But they were all in their 20s/early 30s when they got together. You sound like at a completely different time of life, nearly empty nesters!
Definitely time to live for yourselves again
Did you agree to being in a relationship with hubs while he was seeking sex elsewhere because your own sex drive has waned? I'm perimenopausal and mine definitely has. A nice jolt of NRE can work wonders, at least temporarily, so I hope you find someone to ring your bell. You seem to be certain you would only want to be with another woman. Is that because hubs says so? That's a bit unfair if you can be attracted to men. Equitable open relationships would mean you could date/have sex with/fall in love with anyone who you find attractive. Does hubs have some insecurities around you seeing other men? Perhaps he should really examine this... after all, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
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I don’t think so either, because that was a big clue that it seemed that he or both wanted more.I don't think he wants to just have casual sex since he's texting her, "I love you baby," because he seems to have already moved into the Amory part of polyamory.
So, if you can become comfortable with him being a hinge partner between the both of you, and hopefully you will hit it off with her enough to be friends, that's the next step. You may be hoping that your friendship then means you become attracted to one another enough to perhaps explore having sex together. But it doesn't sound like it's a deal breaker if it doesn't happen. It also sounds like you may be hoping that if all goes well in the long run, she could sort of be a second wife, of course without the legal protections of marriage, but many polycules work around this with LLCs, powers of attorney, etc. And of course that means you'd be introducing her to your extended families as such. Christmas, Thanksgiving, family weddings, etc. I definitely know people who have made exactly this work. The last wedding I went to was actually a triad's commitment ceremony. It couldn't be legal, because it will take the law a moment to catch up, but it was in every other sense a wedding. The three families, all the friends. And bless them, the "newer" (not so new now) wife's baby is around 3 by now. But they were all in their 20s/early 30s when they got together. You sound like at a completely different time of life, nearly empty nesters!
Definitely time to live for yourselves again
Yes, that’s what I would hope, the friendship first, and then see if we have a connection to go to the next step. You hit it right on the nail with the 2nd wife. I am not sure if and when that would happen, and to what length we would go. But it would be something similar if it works out. Well, 2 of the 4 would be gone, and it would be a 5 and 12 yr old then.
So, because my drive went completely down, I agreed for him just to find someone, just for sex only, nothing more. Since I just approved of that, I never thought that I would try to find a partner myself, so I’m lacking in that department. We never discussed me having sex with anyone because I was lacking in it. He stated if I’m not having sex with him, how could I with someone else? But I will def bring this up.
I have shared some articles that are on the website, so we are starting our research, for sure. Y'all are so awesome!