Wife wants a one-sided open relationship

[thelastpotatofarmer]

My wife wants to open up our relationship, but I don't.

Since having kids (lots), she has been unable to orgasm through any kind of masturbation. No toys work. Neither of us can work out why, but her sensitivity seems to have decreased. She can orgasm through regular intercourse, with sustained stimulation, but I find this kind of sex quite hard work, as there isn't a lot that works for her. But once she finishes, she does whatever pleases me and seems to be having an amazing time.

She says if I help her orgasm regularly, I can have as much sex and one-sided orgasms with her as I want a day, however I want it. But frankly, I don't want them, or to have to get her off more than once or twice a week, because when I want to relax I love looking at porn. I have some favourite women I follow, etc., and this gets me off quickly and easily. She found out about this by snooping through my twitter history.

She now says if I won't let her meet her needs with other people, while I stay monogamous, but use porn as I have been, then she wants a divorce. She has said in this context, and in context of her issues, my use of porn is 100% both cheating, and a rejection of her emotional and physical needs, and it is making her feel deeply depressed and resentful of giving up her life to raise our children, and that she wants to leave completely.

She has a much higher drive than me anyway. I prefer to watch porn daily and have sex maybe once or twice a week. She would have sex daily if she could. We have tried that but it nearly killed me with exhaustion. I needed porn just to keep it up for her enough.

But the thought of her with another man makes me feel emasculated, revolted and resentful, given I fully financially support her and the children. And what if she prefers these other men to me?

I also don't want an STD. My wife has only ever slept with me, btw. We have been together decades, so for us, the STD risk and relationship status change would be huge.

She said it is already unfair I have "parasocial relationships" with younger women in porn, and if not for that, she wouldn't want to open things up. She then went on to say she thinks she finds orgasming with me hard because I make her feel undesirable, unwanted, unsexy, and I am too vanilla and passive.

She wants to try roleplay, BDSM, and weird shit, but it does nothing for me. I find it pretty funny and/or embarrassing. I don't even like anal, but she is really into that, too.

She is hot, I should add. She could have her own Onlyfans if she wanted. I've encouraged her to do that so she can see that I don't think less of her just because I look at other women. She found this very offensive for some reason. She called me a beta male for suggesting it?!

Do I capitulate to keep the family together and enjoy my porn use, or do we divorce and lose everything financially?? I love my wife and she says I am her best friend.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm sorry this is happening.

I think your wife really doesn't understand what she has, maybe due to her lack of experience.

Your relationship seems under much pressure already. Opening up often ends up disastrous in troubled relationships.

You could try giving up porn (to ensure it's not an addiction thing, and to recover from "cheating"), or try to understand her needs better by going together to some bdsm club to see what it's really about (if you only know it from the internet, you have no idea), trying some tantra for couples, getting more adventurous and educated about sex and its alternative forms. You could try taking practical measures to improve your relationship, which often starts with arranging for more childcare to get more rest and dates. You could try talking it out with a therapist.

However, your wife is behaving in a really disrespectful manner. She wants to open up for her while you only get porn. She calls you a beta male, for fuck's sake! Who does that unless they really do want a divorce?

I'm sorry, I'd like to be wrong, but it does feel like your marriage is beyond salvation, because respect has been thrown out of the window.
She wants to go out there and fuck some 'alpha'. She's gonna burn herself badly and destroy her family in the process, but these cravings can be extremely strong, especially with kink inclinations involved.

While it's not always a bad idea to open up because of libido mismatch, I don't recommend opening up right now. Either it's at least a year of work on relationship improvement and sex and non-monogamy education (you really don't know what you don't know), or staying monogamous, or divorce.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi lastpotatofarmer,

Would you please go back to your OP and add some paragraph breaks? It's hard to read a wall of text.

You have 24 hours to edit. Thanks.

 

[LoveBunny]

Instead of watching porn daily and getting off on women who are there because they need money, why not invest that energy in getting off with your "hot-enough-for-onlyfans" wife of many years and the mother of your many children?

She's birthed your many children and become less sensitive "down there" in the process. I don't blame her for wanting to try to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere if you can't/won't put in time, effort, energy to meet her needs, won't try new kinky things because you find it "funny and embarrassing" (which seems like a childish response) and would generally prefer to whack off to women who don't require any satisfaction in return. I get that you work hard to support all the kids you made and the woman who is their full-time caregiver, but a sexually fulfilling, long-term relationship requires effort and invention from BOTH partners.

Her reaction my seem overblown to you, but lack of sexual fulfillment is a powerful drive. I can absolutely understand why she's threatening to leave, though I despise her use of "red pill" nonsense like "beta male." Don't even listen to that shit.

I don't think opening up the marriage is what either of you want. Try putting down the porn, opening up your mind, and learning some new tricks in the bedroom. Isn't your marriage worth it?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello thelastpotatofarmer,

You have a real dilemma on your hands, you are finding that you and your wife are incompatible, yet you absolutely do not want to divorce. What about divorcing and then yet continuing to live with her, continuing to share finances, and then she would be free to seek other men, while you would be free to seek a woman who is more compatible with you? That's the only solution I can think of, given how complicated your dilemma is. Otherwise, your wife has given you an ultimatum that she will divorce you unless you open the marriage on her side, so you can only choose one, monogamy or the marriage.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm glad you're here. This isn't really a "polyamory" topic, per se, but a sad commentary on the state of how people are meeting their sexual needs these days.

Let me speculate a bit. You can tell me if I get it right (if you come back to your thread).

You and wife got together. It was good at first. Once you and she started making babies, she was going through pregnancies (which takes a huge toll on a body), then busy with the newborns and kids, nursing, all the exhaustion of feeling touched out, doing all the housework, constantly running around after toddlers, doing laundry, planning meals, cooking, shopping, taking kids to the doctors, school, sports, and 101 other tasks.

As the breadwinner, you went out and earned a living, thinking that was your only job. While your wife was sinking under the load of having "lots" of kids, you'd go off and jerk off to porn, and it sounds like even paying for Onlyfans and cam girls. You have "parasocial" relationships with young sex workers, and this is your jam. You think it's great.

You think your wife should be like you, and get on Onlyfans too, not just as a customer, but also as a content creator! Could she get off to this? No! But she should just somehow be like you, you think.

Meanwhile, in her "old-fashioned" way, she wants to have actual intercourse with her husband, and this is the only way she can cum. How inconvenient for you! How rude! How very tiring to get that kind of exercise. Sheesh. "Why can't we both just use porn and forget about intercourse entirely?" you seem to be saying.

Try some new tricks in the bedroom? Actually put some effort into pleasing your wife and expanding your sexual repertoire? What a PITA. You'd rather pay a sex worker and get off in minutes and go about your day.

Do I have this right? Did I miss anything?

 

[Tinwen]

"Why can't we both just use porn and forget about intercourse entirely?"

That's unfair - he's stated clearly he's up for it twice a week while she'd like daily. It's actually a mismatch.

 

[Magdlyn]

That's unfair - he's stated clearly he's up for it twice a week while she'd like daily. It's actually a mismatch.

He said, if he has to, he is willing to give her intercourse, seemingly one orgasm per session, once or twice a week. This does not sound very enthusiastic to me, but more like his "husbandly duty," or a pity fuck. Again, he can correct me if I'm wrong.

I don't want to have to get her off more than once or twice a week.

No wonder she feels undesirable and unsexy.

But yes, I agree it's a mismatch. And seemingly a pretty serious porn habit in place of a good actual physical sexual relationship with the woman who is right there in his bed.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry.

My wife wants to open up our relationship, but I don't.

That's where you get to say, "No, thanks. I don't want to be in an open relationship."

She now says if I won't let her meet her needs with other people, while I stay monogamous, but use porn as I have been, then she wants a divorce.

That's where you get to say, "Ok. If we have become incompatible over time, I prefer to divorce as peacefully as possible. Are you willing to talk to a counselor about how to disband, so we can come out the other side as decent coparent and exes? We still have to raise the kids, we'd still be family, just not a married-parents-shaped family anymore."

She has said in this context, and in context of her issues, my use of porn is 100% both cheating, and a rejection of her emotional and physical needs, and it is making her feel deeply depressed and resentful of giving up her life to raise our children, and that she wants to leave completely.

That makes no sense to me. Nobody is entitled to partnered sex, not even married people.

If she is depressed, has she seen a doctor?

Did she become a SAHM? If she's wanting to go back to work, she can do that.

If she wants to leave the marriage completely, why not just end things peacefully, rather than trying to get you to be ok doing an open marriage that you don't want? It doesn't have to be an open marriage to get her need for seeing other people met. It could be parting ways. Then she's free TO pursue other people or open relationships however she wants in her new dating life, and you are free FROM open relationships you do not want in yours.

I know a separation or a divorce is not something to decide at the snap of a finger. Whether you are together or not, you both have coparenting responsibilities to the children.

Do I capitulate to keep the family together and enjoy my porn use, or do we divorce and lose everything financially?? I love my wife and she says I am her best friend.

Families come in all shapes- bio kids, adopted kids, blended/stepfamilies, divorced parents, friends as family, etc. So whether you and she divorce or not, it's still a family. It's ok to love each other as family.

But if this is healthier as a coparenting relationship, where you and wife are exes and friends rather than romantic spouses, it is best to make changes in that direction than do all sorts of weird things, or bend into pretzels, dragging out a break up. Don't put the kids or yourselves through that mess.

I suggest you talk to a counselor to figure out options for how to disband as peacefully as possible. And consider family therapy for the kids, depending on their ages, so they get through the transition ok, too.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

@thelastpotatofarmer Would you mind sharing how things are going?

You've gotten some differing views from "divorce, because of disrespect/incompatibily" to "give up porn and step up as a lover". I don't know which one is right, but I know hightened emotions have a way to change quickly and not all words spoken in distress feel as hot a few days later. Are you moving forward in your negotiations?

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm sorry.

I'm going to offer a counterpoint.

That's where you get to say "No, thanks. I don't want to be in an open relationship."

Is this where his wife gets to say, "If you don't want to open, would you be willing to scale back on paying for porn/cam girls and make love to me with a bit more creativity, and let me show my physical love for you?"

That's where you get to say "Ok. If we have become incompatible over time, I prefer to divorce as peacefully as possible. Are you willing to talk to a counselor about how to disband so we can come out the other side as decent coparent and exes? We still have to raise the kids, and we still would be family, jut not married-parents-shape family anymore."

Nobody is entitled to partnered sex. Not even married people.

This is a debatable topic. This may be your opinion. In a mono marriage, if you can't have sex with your partner (i.e., "partnered sex"), and you feel you need that, what are you supposed to do? Open up, cheat, or split? How about a compromise to try and increase the regularity and creativity of partnered sex, instead of him going off to masturbate with cam girls ("cheat"), and leaving her lying alone, and knowing he's getting off to others (younger, "prettier" professionals), and rejecting her, so that she feels unsexy and undesirable?

Does it have to be all or nothing?

As I said, I think we, as a culture, are losing touch with how to make love properly, because so many people (men more than women) prefer internet porn/Onlyfans over actual in-person sex. If the OP didn't have his parasocial-sex relationships, would he be putting more effort into his actual in-person sex partner/wife? Porn is just so easy to get nowadays. It seems you are saying it's fine he's replacing a real relationship with internet porn. After committing to this relationship and having "lots" of kids with this woman, he's rejecting her for actresses, or maybe even AI.

I guess if the genders were switched, and a man wanted more sex than a woman, as is more common, we might see this differently. The woman might be, "Just get off me!" and the man might be mad he has to masturbate every day. It's unfortunate they both don't share a desire for either actual intercourse, or private masturbation, and neither will budge and come halfway... I guess the OP thinks he is going halfway by "having to get her off once or twice a week," though.

I am reminded of an old Woody Allen movie, I think it was Annie Hall, where the couple is in counseling, and the therapist asks the woman, "How often do you have sex?" and she says, "All the time! Two or three times a week!" Then when the man is asked, he answers, "Hardly ever! Two or three times a week!"

Splitting up a household of "lots" of kids just because the parents' sex desires differ is a huge and hard choice to make. It can even seem selfish. We don't even know if they have tried therapy.

If she is depressed, has she seen a doctor?

She's depressed because she feels rejected! What's an MD going to do? Put her on Zoloft? That does reduce sex drive for many. That seems sad though. "Here's a drug that will cheer you up, not mind as much your husband prefers internet porn to you, and will reduce your sex drive too!" Ugh.

Take a drug ... or split up. Give up on your marriage. Just don't bother trying.

Did she become a SAHM? If she's wanting to go back to work, she can do that.

Can she? We don't know. Maybe one or more of their kids has special needs, maybe they're so young that daycare is totally out of reach, financially.

If she wants to leave the marriage completely, why not just end things peacefully, rather than trying to get you to be ok doing open marriage that you don't want?

Hey, it's an idea. It doesn't need to be rejected out of hand. One reason I have always dated men is because my female partner's sex drive is much lower than mine.

It doesn't have to be an open marriage to get her need for seeing other people met. It could be parting ways.

Yes, this is an option. Not the only one.

I know a separation or a divorce is not something to decide at the snap of a finger. Whether you are together or not, you both have parenting responsibilities...

I kinda hate when people come here, and the first thing they get thrown at them is "Just divorce!" It's easy to say, from hundreds of miles away, after one post from a new member. Extremely hard to do, especially with a passel of kids, a big house, probably pets, long relationships with in-laws and shared friends, etc., etc.

I dunno. I think it's worth looking at this extreme porn habit first.

I suggest you talk to a counselor to figure out options for how to...

Compromise, or...

disband as peacefully as possible.

And consider family therapy for the kids, depending on their ages, so they get through the transition ok too.

Divorce is the final option, not the first, in this situation, in my mind.

Heck, in Judaism, the man is commanded by god (or rabbis speaking as god) to sexually satisfy his wife. It's a basic thing that marriage is supposed to provide.

I know I sound kind of extreme, but let's try to think of both spouses here.

 

[GalaGirl]

Is this where his wife gets to say, "If you don't want to open, would you be willing to scale back on paying for porn/cam girls and make love to me with a bit more creativity, and let me show my physical love for you?"

Yes. She could. But OP isn't stating what wife is/is not willing to do.

She can orgasm through regular intercourse, with sustained stimulation, but I find this kind of sex quite hard work, as there isn't a lot that works for her. But once she finishes, she does whatever pleases me and seems to be having an amazing time.

She seems to come to sex with a "transactional" mindset. Like if she gets hers first, then she will reciprocate. That might not be a turn-on for OP.

I dunno. I think it's worth looking at this extreme porn habit first.

Is it habit?

She would have sex daily if she could. We have tried that, but it nearly killed me with exhaustion. I needed porn just to keep it up for her enough.

Or trying to stay hard for her? Then later it became easier to use porn to self-satisfy than jump through hoops to please her first, before she might reciprocate?

Maybe it's both a habit and easier. Who knows? There's a lot going on here.

She now says if I won't let her meet her needs with other people, while I stay monogamous, but use porn as I have been, then she wants a divorce. She has said in this context, and in context of her issues, my use of porn is 100% both cheating, and a rejection of her emotional and physical needs, and it is making her feel deeply depressed and resentful of giving up her life to raise our children, and that she wants to leave completely.

OP is basically stating that wife is doing ultimatum/pressure stuff at this point. That doesn't sound healthy to me. Why would OP want to sign up for an OVP, where only his wife gets to date outside the marriage? If they take that path, both could date other people.

OP, internet people might be able to help with 1 or 2 things, but if it's a bunch of things, a counselor might be the way to go, whether it's couples counseling to get better and reconcile, or to get support through a breakup, or counseling for just you, if she refuses to go.

I'm sorry you deal in this.

Galagirl

 

[silver-genie]

Maybe a sex therapist would be able to help her orgasm like she did before having kids? I would find it really rough if I could no longer orgasm via masturbation or anything but strenuous intercourse.

When you became exclusive, did you two discuss what constitutes cheating? It's important to be on the same page regarding that. It sounds like she views you watching porn of other women similarly to how you view her having sex with other men. It also sounds like you could really benefit from couples counseling.

 

[Tinwen]

Divorce is the final option, not the first, in this situation, in my mind.

Heck, in Judaism, the man is commanded by god (or rabbis speaking as god) to sexually satisfy his wife. It's a basic thing that marriage is supposed to provide.

I kind of agree the monogamous marriage rightfully places expectations on meeting each other's sexual needs... well enough.

But if gender roles were reversed, and it would be the man wanting to be pleased every day, the woman unhappy about that? I think you... or some people here... would be going "you don't owe him anything, don't let yourself be abused".

There's truth somewhere in-between, and if this couple is to continue, they do need to get on the same page with their sex lives. Making sure nobody feels cheated on, quitting porn if it's an addiction and putting in effort in more creative ways will surely help. I'm just worried about the namecalling and putting down, I wonder if that was a one time outburst after discovering he has kept his porn use from her for years (which would be understandable - if he didn't know she'd be upset, why keep it secret? secret is very close to cheating) or if that's a pattern.

 

[Magdlyn]

Galagirl, you bring up valid points. I don't think the OP is coming back, so I don't think any of our speculations will be validated.

Of course, I don't agree that a One-Vagina Policy (or OPP) is fair in ENM. But that might've been her first suggestion, as he seems to love porn so much. He loves porn, she loves intercourse. Would he prefer intercourse with other women (and all the "work" of dating sites, dating, etc.) over the ease of a click on a cam girl site or OnlyFans? I doubt it, going on what we have here. Would it seem fair, to her, if he went out seeking intercourse with others, when he is too lazy to have it with her, and has been for a while?

Too much intercourse "nearly killed" him.

As an aside, who knows how much of the family budget is going to his "parasocial sexual relationships"? This could be another bone of contention we don't know about.

Tinwen, I did bring up the gender role reversal/expectation in my post, and it's a valid one. But we are just getting the OP's POV, of course, and just one post, at that. Who knows if the wife is really insisting on "daily intercourse"? Who knows how many minutes of "strenuous exercise" intercourse it really takes her to orgasm? Who knows how out of shape this guy is to not be able to do, say, 8 minutes of intercourse a few times a week?

Many men would love to have intercourse daily for X amount of minutes. But my point is, with the ease of accessing porn, cam girls, AI fantasy girls, etc., just a click away, many are choosing that option these days, to the detriment of actual human interaction. It's part of the detrimental effects of social media, which has been much discussed. Many men, who are in troubled irl relationships, and struggling with daily porn habits (I won't say addictions, that's different) are told by therapists to stop using internet porn, and try to have more actual sex with their flesh and blood partners. That's my only point.

 

[dingedheart]

But if gender roles were reversed, and it would be the man wanting to be pleased every day, the woman unhappy about that? I think you... or some people here... would be going "you don't owe him anything, don't let yourself be abused".

Yeah, this hit me, if roles were reversed. And where are the my “body my choice“ people????

There's truth somewhere in-between, and if this couple is to continue, the do need to get on the same page with their sex lives. Making sure nobody feels cheated on, quitting porn if it's an addiction and putting in effort in more creative ways will surely help. I'm just worried about the name calling and putting down, I wonder if that was a one time outburst after discovering he has kept his porn use from her for years (which would be understandable - if he didn't know she'd be upset, why keep it secret? secret is very close to cheating) or if that's a pattern.

All this stuff needs to be addressed in couples counseling.

 

[dingedheart]

Galagirl, you bring up valid points. I don't think the OP is coming back, so I don't think any of our speculations will be validated.

Of course, I don't agree that a One-Vagina Policy (or OPP) is fair in ENM. But that might've been her first suggestion, as he seems to love porn so much. He loves porn, she loves intercourse. Would he prefer intercourse with other women (and all the "work" of dating sites, dating, etc.) over the ease of a click on a cam girl site or OnlyFans? I doubt it, going on what we have here. Would it seem fair, to her, if he went out seeking intercourse with others, when he is too lazy to have it with her, and has been for a while?

Too much intercourse "nearly killed" him.

I think you missed the subtle point Gala was trying to make in that sex for both of them has been reduced to the function of getting off. And for her whether it’s totally physical or not it’s become a lot of work or effort to achieve “ the goal “ instead of say enjoying / pleasuring each others bodies.

As an aside, who knows how much of the family budget is going to his "parasocial sexual relationships"? This could be another bone of contention we don't know about.

Totally an unfair comment we have no idea the family income and if or how much he spends related to porn. But I’ve never heard you express concerns with dating poly partners. Recently a woman who was in a mono marriage or 10something yrs came out as poly booked a secret 2-3thousand dollar flight half way around the work to meet a guy she met on line. I don’t remember anyone raising concerns about that.

Tinwen, I did bring up the gender role reversal/expectation in my post, and it's a valid one. But we are just getting the OP's POV, of course, and just one post, at that. Who knows if the wife is really insisting on "daily intercourse"? Who knows how many minutes of "strenuous exercise" intercourse it really takes her to orgasm? Who knows how out of shape this guy is to not be able to do, say, 8 minutes of intercourse a few times a week?

As if more facts would or should make your judgments or speculation more or less valid. Where did you come up with 8 minutes of intercourse ??? The reason the guy hasn’t come back is you called him rude, PITA, lazy, out of shape.

Many men would love to have intercourse daily for X amount of minutes.

That’s probably more than true IF it was romantic or erotic or fun. Being used as a stunt penis on a daily basis over ( how much time are we talking here ) clearly has worn thin. I’ve seen that “many men “ number rapidly decrease in newly transitioned poly relationships where the mono husband feels like he’s given pity sex out of “ fairness “ OR he’s being used as a stunt dick because wife was texting / sexting lover for the last hr and she needs a release. Same thing right “ many guys “ the perpetually horny would jump on that and say who cares about motivation or intention…until the second or third time …when it stops being fun or when it’s never your idea. It’s super easy to judge from the cheap seats. Buy the blue pills and shut the fuck up.

But my point is, with the ease of accessing porn, cam girls, AI fantasy girls, etc., just a click away, many are choosing that option these days, to the detriment of actual human interaction. It's part of the detrimental effects of social media, which has been much discussed. Many men, who are in troubled irl relationships, and struggling with daily porn habits (I won't say addictions, that's different) are told by therapists to stop using internet porn, and try to have more actual sex with their flesh and blood partners. That's my only point.

I’m not disagreeing with what you’re say here I’m just wondering how you’ve determined porn and male laziness as the root cause AND not an out growth of a medical situation with his wife that has spiraled into a daily orgasm ritual.
My questions would be has she been checked out medically, and or been referred to sex therapist….or is this DYI ..I need 26 minutes of hard pounding in a specific position once a day ….thank you for your service ! Yeah I intentionally upped the minutes …I can speculate too .

 

[Evie]

Y'all need better sex toys.

 

[Tinwen]

Y'all need better sex toys.

I think someone should close this thread

 

[Magdlyn]

I think someone should close this thread

Eh, we aren't breaking any rules. I think the topic of porn v actual sex is an important one, even in a situation where polyamory or ENM could be an option.