What does a mono husband do about his daughter's discovery of her mother's polyamory?

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Hugs, dh. I really feel for all of you. I'd probably hold off on the photo sharing, at least with the whole family. Maybe just whoever is really supportive to your daughter, so they have a clear understanding. Just my two cents.

I hope everything goes okay for your daughter. I wish there was something I could do to help. Good luck. Best wishes. Let us know how you are doing when you can.
 
Thanks, FlameKat.

Why should I hold off on anything? Except for the sleep deprivation. Those two fucking idiots are going to pay, and I'm not just talking about money. They get off on pain and humiliation? Wait til they see what I can dream up. If I was them I'd move far far away, somewhere beyond my reach.
 
Wait. What? Your daughter was snooping around her mother's computer and found hundreds emails between your wife and her lover? As well as hundreds of naked/BDSM/sexual pix of your wife and her lover? Or was it just porn off the net?

You want to send these pix to your daughter's GRANDMOTHER??

This is very unclear.

By the way, BDSM is practiced between consenting adults as part of fun sexual play. It's not a sickness, in fact it's quite common. Now, one's teenager finding sexual pictures of any kind of her parent is very unfortunate. But I don't think you should be out for revenge. Your daughter should have respected her mother's privacy.
 
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Hugs, D.

I get where this would be incredibly traumatic for your daughter, but I don't see how sharing these photos with the world is helpful. It could even cause more embarrassment for your daughter. I applaud you for being able to step up and get her help immediately. Hopefully her therapist has some ideas about what you can do to help her further.

Like Magdlyn said, there is nothing wrong with BDSM between consenting adults. If what happened broke boundaries you and your wife had agreed upon, then those issues should be addressed.
 
Magdlyn, it's possible that she was in her mom's computer. However, she said my wife was on our home computer, and was on my daughter's screen to retrieve some email, and left it open. She did show me that when we eventually got home.

Yes, the photos were of her mother. My particular favorite is the one with some metal hook inserted and tied off with her hair. Christmas Card stuff, or maybe a poster.

I want to send that picture to my mother-in-law as to explain the situation. She can see just one of the series of photos. I'm glad to share the whole file with her.

My daughter is 12. She will be 13 in a few months. I rounded up for convenience.

I think if anyone wants to participate in such activities, and maybe embarrassed if such things where uncovered, then you better damn well be a fuck of lot more careful. THIS IS COMPLETELY RECKLESS AND STUPID.

According to the trauma therapist, this is not as uncommon as you might think. They told of college kids coming home unannounced to find a party in which his family home was converted into some sort of BDSM playpen. Other example of kids finding videos and a duffel bag full of tools or toys.

Do you have kids? Would you want them to see you in the position I described? Would you want to imagine your mother in such a situation and some strange man beating her, or worse, when you were 12?

Let's not forget the emails. The verbal assault is just as bad, if not worse, because they mention places and activities in which me and the family where at. Example: Hi, I'm at the water park and blah blah I'm so bored..." "I want you to slide your hand down and start playing with yourself, blah blah..." My daughter was there. She remembers that day. She had a friend with her. NOW SHE KNOWS HER MOTHER WAS PLAYING WITH HERSELF with all this going on.

Right this second, I see nothing about this that's spiritually enlightening. Dungeon, darkness, pain, humiliation, whipping, bondage, gags, hooks inserted in you like so much meat, butt plugs. What's enlightening about this?

SN, not the world, a strategic few. I don't care as long as it doesn't hurt my kids or his kids. I'm as shocked as she is. No boundary violation.
 
dingedheart said:
I want to send that picture to my mother-in-law, to explain the situation...
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I can only imagine the damage done to your daughter with this, and to you. But River had some great advice. Stay calm, my friend. You want to hurt your wife and her boyfriend. I get that. But if you must do it, at least do it legally. Your daughter is going to need you in control and composed as a parent. It is likely you will be her only parent for quite a while, as your daughter takes time to heal from this new reality. Stay in control. Don't do anything that will take you out of your daughter's life.

And try to show at least some compassion for your wife. She's probably about to get crucified by friends, family and her own daughter.

Be careful with your anger. You are in control here, as much as some people might not like hearing that. You are holding the cards. Try to play them with some compassion and the idea that your wife is still the mother of your child. Be smart.
 
Oh, dinged, that is absolutely awful. I feel for you so much, and your daughter. Just terrible. I can't imagine what that would be like for her.

The others are right. Take a breath. Try and sleep. Lack of sleep is not helping, I'm sure. Take your time. Make a plan.

This wife of yours has a hell of a road ahead. Be sure that what you do now doesn't traumatize your daughter more. Just don't say a thing if you find yourself about to blow up about your opinion on her actions. Your daughter will take that on like a house on fire. The last thing she needs is to sever the tie with her mother entirely. That could very well be in your hands. She didn't mean for her daughter to see that. No mother would want that. It was an accident. Put that into perspective. This is why your wife is a mess now. Not because she is a sub, into what she is into.

Your daughter needs therapy now. I'm glad you are on that! Very very important, in my opinion.

Please, by all means, vent here as much as you like, as far as I am concerned. But be sure to announce that you are and that you need to. It's good to get it out, just be careful where.

*hugs* seems so small, but full of a lot of meaning
 
Regardless of what else happens and what she says at the moment, your daughter still loves her mother, and always will...

As her remaining parent that she can trust, you MUST not disturb that bond. As hard as it is, you must protect it. I'm not saying you must encourage or nurture it at the moment, but you MUST protect whatever is left. That is what you must do as her parent. However they repair their relationship in the future is up to them, but your daughter will never forgive you if you destroy whatever is left, by sharing out the pictures that SHE discovered. She will then be consumed by the guilt that whatever destroyed her mum was something that she found and shared with you, and she will likely hate you for it, too.

(I have teens in a similar situation [physical abuse issues not photos], and I am only just starting to step out of the murky waters with my eldest [16] and the middle one [13].)

This is a very difficult time for everyone. Give yourself some time to calm down, and only make decisions when you are feeling calm. And I mean calm, not cold and detached, calm. Likely there will be a very very small number of people who will need the assistance of seeing a photo to assist them to understand what is going on. Your verbal description to us has made things crystal clear. For the reasons I stated above, it is my opinion that sharing the photos would be a very bad idea, and would only cause more damage.
 
I have to agree with everyone else here and ask you to hold off on showing the pictures to your wife's mother. I think you have every right to explain to your mother-in-law what is going on, and that your daughter is in counselling because of what she saw, if you can approach the topic calmly. I'm glad you're looking out for your daughter.
 
I agree with others. This is not the time to try to polarize relationships in the family further. Your daughter should definitely go to counseling, and you should be prepared to contain damage of your daughter acting our in ways that could hurt her.
 
Whoa yeah, it sounds like your description of the photos is plenty. There's no need to have the graphic images in your mother-in-law's head, too. She is of a different generation and it may be totally out of her scope. And that's her daughter. I know I wouldn't want to see my daughter in a sexual setting. It's just not my place. The same way your daughter was traumatized, wouldn't it just be worse to have them both upset?

My 28-year old found out about our polyamorous arrangement and called and told my mother. It has been about 3 weeks now and things are still very rocky. My daughter is absolutely not speaking to me. She is very religious and says what I'm doing is disgusting.

My mother is very religious too, but has been pretty cool about it. But one thing she does NOT want is details!

Actually, my husband has been supportive and defensive of me, and of our lifestyle. He says it's really none of their business. It was an arrangement made by us as grown adults and it is our right. We were not breaking any laws (thank goodness for freedom!) and we are not Puritans these days. As for moral laws, well, who lays those down?? Gets sticky there, but the pursuit of happiness is a biggie.

I am terribly sorry this has happened to your family. :(

We have had MAJOR issues in ours about privacy and snooping. It has nearly destroyed us. So I am really feeling for you all.
 
Mono, thanks for your measured comments. I was speaking figuratively (head on pike), for the most part. I have a lawyer looking into that. Right now it looks like all provocative talk and and all photos were unsolicited. His people are going through our home computer, as well. As I purchased it, and was the administrator, we have some footing. Any action taken, she would be named, as well.

My daughter has had only a few conversations with her mother, in all of which she screamed things into the phone-- "You're sick, you're disgusting. You liar. How could do those things at a family outing with my friend right there? I'm calling grandma and telling her what you did. I don't want to look at you. All I'll see is those pictures."

I actually got the idea of sending the photos and some of the emails from my daughter.

My anger is generated from 3 points.

1. Content of emails and timeline. This started out as an affair. Aside from the explicit stuff, comments about me and the kid really fucking piss me off. I would love for either one of them to say those same things to my face.
2. Both made a choice to send this type of material back forth under people's noses, as an added thrill. We know she used her Blackberry a lot of the time.
3. Pictures-- Taking them was perhaps not smart. Sending them via internet was stupid. Saving them was fucking stupid.

Let's not forget the text traffic. We are digging into this, as well. I mention this to illustrate the huge number of times they could have been discovered sending explicit X-rated material back and forth to each other.

In every case, he or she made a choice of the content, to send or to save, and the manner in which they interacted with one another. They made hundreds, if not thousands, of decisions. I know they had close calls, because they talked about them in the emails. Super fucking stupid. Didn't see the eventuality of such risks. It's like Tiger Woods or Brett Farve, who just thought they were too smart or too lucky to get caught.

My daughter and I have met with a family therapist, as well, part of the same team. She is getting everything anyone can think of.

But you can't unring the bell.

Biggest challenge now is my son. He's kind of a mushroom... kept in the dark and fed horseshit. The professionals and I are working on a consensus for a plan for him. Daughter thought he should go with Mom originally, because he doesn't know much, but then she says we can't let him be with her. "What if it happens again? What if he's around that creepy guy? Who knows what that creep is into? It's too big a risk."

Thanks, RP. You are correct, sleep is a huge problem at the moment. I do know it, and I never do rash things.

I have not said anything about the situation in anger since Friday. Her not being here has helped. Not sure when I talked with her. I think Friday, to arrange transport to her sister's.

This wasn't an accident, as I view the situation. This was a disaster just waiting to happen, or they got off flirting with that disaster.

Flamekat, I can guarantee nobody needs to see or read the emails. However, I think in a few cases, because of long-standing relationship dynamics, that they should share in the pain, especially Grandma.

Not sure why so many of you think sharing these photos and emails is such a bad idea, outside of adding more pain to my family. That won't happen.

I have no desire to hurt his family. However, I'm very interested as to his wife's role. If she participated, or was the photographer, she may have a problem with me, as well. I think she will have to see what I have, in any case.

Derby, thanks. Sorry, you're wrong. I can't think of one reason to hold off, and that's not the sleep deprivation talking. Thank you for the kind words. I'm doing whatever I can think of.

Athena, not sure what you mean. Her family, as it stands right now, think she was a stupid selfish sexual deviant. As to my family, I can't imagine what I would have to do to make this much worse.

Carma, you don't know my mother-in-law. Yeah, I got a need.

Your daughter is 28 and is having a hard time. Think of her being 12, and seeing you displayed like meat, or worse. Those of you who are into this can cobble together an image. Those who are not got no fucking clue of what I'm talking about. I mildly described one photo. It really is a picture's worth a 1000 words, or in this case 2-3000.

As of right now, it was my wife's sloppiness for using my daughter's user screen to check an email and left the page open and logged in. As it stands, my daughter didn't hack in or obtain this material off my wife's computer. Was she suspicious? YES. She asked questions and was directly lied to. It was a matter of time. House of cards and all.
 
Hugs

dingedheart said:
This wasn't an accident, as I view the situation. This was a disaster just waiting to happen, or they got off flirting with that disaster.
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This was my gut feeling.

As of right now, it was my wife's sloppiness for using my daughter's user screen to check an email and left the page open and logged in. As it stands, my daughter didn't hack in or obtain this material off wife's computer. Was she suspicious? YES. She asked questions and was directly lied to.
Click to expand...

It's almost as if she were trying to get caught. Kinda like, "How far do I have to go until someone stops me?"
 
Thanks, SN. I agree, and that's why I have very little compassion for these FUCKING IDIOTS. Plus I get to clean up the debris field. These two fucks haven't done one thing, not that I let them, anyway.

Would like to re-create one or two of the photos using him as the subject. Maybe some day.
 
Okay, I'm completely new to this. I've been reading all the posts, from the one where you didn't want to be the primary, all the way to the daughter finding the emails/pix. What I am confused about is if you were ever okay with the poly lifestyle your wife was having, and just annoyed at her maturity level of handling adult matters.

As I am new to this lifestyle, I am investing a lot of time reading on here, and your posts struck me a lot, as me and my man have children who do live with us. I want to make sure that my and my partner's relationship stays primary. And ultimately, my kids come before that.

Maybe I am one of the select few who get why you would want to show them to the wife's mom and/or his family. Not sure if it would be right, but I totally, wholeheartedly agree. As a mother, I would have 1k questions about what is happening. I don't feel I could help anyone, including my daughter, if I wasn't AWARE of everything.

I would hope that my kids, at the right age and time in their life, could talk to me about anything. I would never want to give them the idea that sex is dirty, but I would never want to see pics of any of my kids. Nor do I ever want one of my kids to find pics of me or their father.

The privacy goes both ways, imho. Your wife had no reason to be on said daughter's computer, as you daughter would have no right to be on her mom's. I RARELY step over the line of breaking the trust between any of my kids, but they know if I SUSPECT they are up to no good, it's all game for me. But to just up and get on their computer, never will happen. I know, for me, I sure ain't getting on their computer to view ANY of my adult matters, and I don't mean just explicit sex stuff, I mean banking or anything.

Sorry for all the rambling. Like I said, I am so new to this, and been reading you posts. They seem very well put. Just a lil confused on that one thing.
 
I can't imagine how I would handle this, but I can sure see where you are coming from, DH. BTW, "dinged" is an understatement, right?

You're doing all you can. Just don't let it take you to a homicidal level. At least no one was physically injured. No one intentionally hurt your daughter. Those are things on the bright side. Some kids suffer and survive lots of horrible sexual abuse. She will be okay. With the professional help you have provided, I think the damage control will be really effective.

People do dumb things. People make dumb mistakes. But as long as there is love, I think it can overcome even the most reckless behaviors. Maybe your wife got drunk on sex/NRE. People do some crazy things when they are drunk, crash cars and kill people, even. Underneath it all, though, she is a loving person. I believe that love will prevail. Your family is going to come out okay, because you were all trying to keep the focus on LOVE. Don't lose sight of that, friend. You are a good guy. Hang in there.
 
angelsndevils, I'm not sure if I was ever completely okay with it. Several things didn't make sense to me. Time is finite, so spending time with another draws from the pool of time, either me, kids, job, or other outside activities. Feeling like she spending time, dates, sex out of obligation or fairness. This is not uncommon. I really don't care if its completely common. I don't want to be around anyone who's forcing themselves to be with me. No favors, please. I'm not that hard up. And now the email evidence has borne this out-- she was doing certain things out of fairness.

One of my rules was this need not touch our kids lives. It's unfair to them... wrong age.

The computer is a family one, in the family room of our house. Each person has their own user screen with passwords.. My daughter was most likely using it for school, or on Facebook, and my wife was too lazy to log out and log in under her own user screen. She jumped on to do god knows what. I'm sure she wasn't, at that moment, sending emails to bf. She would have closed it and logged off. Just stupid.
 
This is heart-rending. I hope you find avenues to see others' pain, beyond you and your daughter's. If you can see that pain, it is tons easier to act compassionately, and not contribute to the damage. It is just so easy in this situation, because of your own intense pain, to seek to maximize the damage, pain, destruction. Maximizing your wife's pain because of her failure(s) does nothing to lessen your pain, or your daughter's, and is most likely to deepen the pain for all involved.

I hope you can find compassion, despite your hurt. Your actions in that frame of mind are more likely to support healing, if only for your daughter.

I have had to struggle through this problem recently. When the anger and hurt crept up into my throat, I focused on seeing my wife's pain. I didn't condone her actions. I didn't allow her to continue to be in a position to be hurtful. I quickly made the changes that had to be made. I also avoided, for the most part, acting in anger, even if I didn't always avoid speaking out of anger, because I tried to see her pain through my tears and anger.

I've re-written this five times, because I can't quite communicate how connected I feel to what you're experiencing, and the hope I have that you can avoid doubling down on the magnitude of the pain in your family.
 
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dinged, I can't add too much to the good advice you are receiving from others. I just write to add support to that advice, and support to you.

It is heart-breaking, to be sure. Stay strong. Get as much help as you can, from wherever you can get it.

I hope you have some close friends nearby.

I hope you can sleep, it makes such a difference.

Deep care for you all is required.
 
Carma, you're right. Dinged doesn't cover it. One more thing to fix. :)

I can't describe the gut-wrenching pain my daughter was put through for what I believe to be sloppy personal conduct. If you're going to do that shit, better make damn sure it stays private.

If you read the emails and saw the pictures you might have a hard time finding that loving person. I see self-indulgent hedonistic pig.

mindfulagony, interesting user name. Might have to change my to sheer agony or never-ending AG. :) Kidding.

Thank you for your heartfelt comments. Much appreciated.

I can see her pain. Well, I heard she's in a great deal of pain when I talked to her sister Sunday evening. Got a call recently from her boss. He was told she was hospitalized or something, and he was truly concerned. I didn't lie I just said I was uncertain of her condition and that she was out of town at her sister's, and it would be best to email her, or use her cell. I think he could sense there was a bigger problem.

I'm not trying to maximize her pain... perhaps add to it? YES. Are you sure it won't help lessen my pain? I'm thinking it might help just a little. Pay back, ya know? The emails in which I was directly mentioned are what I'm thinking of. Hard to get over.

I'm sorry I don't know your personal story. It sounds like you've been in your share of pain. I hope your on the other side now.

I'm not going to double down. A younger me would have gone with a scorched-earth campaign. Fuck it.

Today I weigh everything as to how it will affect the family. I run things by my good friend and lawyer. There is an off chance I'm not right in the head.
 
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