Hi folks, been awhile. I read these posts the day after they were posted, but have been very sick, and am just now getting better. Sorry for not replying sooner.
Hmm, communicate what with her? Has she ended things with M? Or do you want her to end things with M? Is she hurting over M and you want to tell her that it's no use, M was a shithead, anyway?
M remains in our life for now, but as a casual friend only. Being somewhat self-absorbed, it never occurred to me that Tess might in fact be experiencing a sense or loss or rejection. Embarrassing.
That's a very positive thing to do! I am amazed at how hard you guys are working at this. It's so wonderful to see someone being proactive.
Hi, TP! You brighten my day. Thank you.
And perhaps that is a lesson Tess can and will learn as she continues on her quest. There are some things we have to learn ourselves. Other's warnings can fall on deaf ears. Overprotective partners can be as detrimental as overprotective parents.
More awesomeness in one post would be illegal.
When my wife and I went to a poly workshop in Vancouver, I was struck by the awesome attitude the host had. Her view was that every relationship, no matter the length, the depth, or the end, was a learning experience, and thus was appreciative of all of them.
You guys aren't at square one. You've got one under your belt now. You've got lessons learned. You've started developing ways to talk to each other about poly. You know that escorting her on dates is a bad idea for you. All those squares that you didn't even know were there when you started down this road the first time.
Wash, rinse, repeat, and keep learning with every evolution.
Thank you for pointing this out. I've taken this to heart and will continue to do so.
The only think I think you should communicate to her is that you are sorry she is feeling bad and that you hope it works out better next time. Anything else just sounds like you are looking for an excuse to say "told you so."
Wow. Was I pissed when I read this. But then I realized just how bang-on you are. Comforting my wife when she's down has been and remains my job, regardless of why she feels like she does. It just took a boot in the arse for me to see it in this context. Thanks.
Just to clear this up, I wasn't going for "I told you so." I was asking for advice from the group about how to communicate to Tess when I know that the "guy/gal" isn't right for her, without sounding parental and/or controlling. I now see and understand that at times this just won't be a good idea.
I'm new to this. Some of what you folks take for granted, takes me a while to shift into a form I understand. Comforting Tess when she's hurt or down comes naturally to me. I love her, truly. But comforting her over boyfriend issues? That's a tad outside of my lane of expertise, so I was slow to see this as just another hurt, regardless of cause. I can assure you that I'm not going to make that mistake again, hopefully.
Warning, motorcycles are highly addictive. Are you ready for rider NRE? I've got to admit, and this will sound terrible, but it sounds fair to me. You may find yourself helping her to get more boyfriends so you can have more time to ride.
Seriously though, if you are truly committed to helping her on this journey, make sure you are coming from a place of health within yourself. As far as her last experience, there is no need to point out what you felt would happen. Discuss how she sees things now that she has gone through the process. It's ok to point out the blinders of NRE but do so in a kind and non-judgmental way. You don't want her to feel worse, you want her to take positive lessons from the experience so the next time things will be better. And you should look at yourself too and see what you have learned through this. Both of you worked together on this which is very admirable but it is important to make sure you are both doing things for the right reasons.
.What kind of bike do you want?
These words I'll use as a model in my comms with Tess, Mono.
I'm looking at buying a Harley Nightster. I'm going to contact you, so I don't turn this into a machine-love post.
Thanks to everyone who stops by and offers insight and direction. I really do read all of it and try to work on what you folks point out.
Be well,
Freetime
