A Struggling Mono Reflection

[navigatingnewwaters]

I am new to all of this and struggling a little. I have been married for 30 years. I have known that my partner has been unhappy and had unmet needs for many years. I have tried my hardest to meet these needs, but came to realise that I couldn't. I suggested that he outsource and he has embraced this. I made this decision because I truly want him to flourish and experience his needs being met.

I had 30 years of my needs being met and have huge guilt over my inability to provide what he needs. I have seen him grow and learn and I am truly pleased for him. While I am so very pleased for him, I am also very sad for me.

Breaking up is not an option, as we have a seriously ill child who needs the stability that we can offer as co-living, co-parenting at the moment, and I am financially dependent upon my partner as I am the primary caregiver for our child.

My partner would still love so much more than I feel the capacity to offer... He wants to celebrate his relationships with me, share the details, joys and heartbreaks, the learning and the growth. I love that he wants to share that and that he feels safe to do so, but I find it really painful. He feels terribly upset by the prospect of not sharing this with me and feels that it robs him of an opportunity to be open and honest and that it feels like I am cutting off support for him. His attachment needs mean that he struggles to have capacity for my emotions and I am learning to find other ways to process my grief and hurt, and trying to find ways to build my capacity for meeting as many of his needs as I am able to.

I keep reminding myself that this is a gift and that I have an opportunity to keep some parts of what was, while my alternative is losing it all. At the moment, I don't really have a life outside of our children, particularly our youngest, and that is just the way it needs to be for now. So that is probably why I am finding it a bit hard.

 

[Bobbi]

That's a hard place to be. You could change the relationship without divorcing or splitting childcare and parenting. The process would be very hard, but it might be worth it.

You could end the romantic and sexual relationship, grieve the loss of that, and the loss of the future you had imagined. Then you could build a new relationship as best friends and coparents, still married, still living together.

Sometimes changing things makes that ongoing hurt and fear go away because you've already processed it.

It's not the easiest recommendation. There are others, I'm sure: poly-friendly counselor, individual therapy, etc.

I'm sorry you both are going through this. There might not be an easy fix.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings navigatingnewwaters,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Interesting that you should post this thread, there is an older thread with the same name: https://polyamory.com/threads/the-struggling-mono-thread.3989/

You seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. In theory you would like to divorce your partner, and free up the both of you to find partners that are more compatible for each of you, but you can't do it due to having a sick child, and being financially dependent on your partner. So, you are stuck with having some sadness that you can't meet all of his needs, and that he is getting them met elsewhere. I just hope it helps a little that you can come here and vent. I can't think of any solutions right now, but I'll let you know if that changes.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[Evie]

Mod note: was originally posted under the old thread but moved to introductions to encourage individualised interaction with a new member. I have updated the title accordingly.

 

[Kynde]

I think you have been very generous in allowing your spouse to seek relationships elsewhere. I would suggest that he make some fellow poly friends, so he can hang out with them and share about his partners, rather than bringing it home to you. Maybe have a loving talk with him, and ask him to "leave it at the door" because your home is *your* home. Him talking about his other relationships is not making it feel like a safe home to you.

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree with Birdie. Even experienced polyamorists, who both have partners, may not want to hear about every detail of their partners' dates with others.

Your husband is what we call a hinge in a V-shaped poly relationship. He has you, he has a few other partners (?). He needs to develop good hinge skills. It's not fair to you or his other partners for him to share all the details that really should be private. You probably don't want him to tell his other partners private stuff about you. Likewise, unless he's asked them and gotten permission, they probably don't want his other partners to know every detail about them, either.

As a formerly mono couple, you are enmeshed. You are best friends, used to sharing everything. But in poly, you need to learn to be discreet and transparent at the same time.

All you really need to know is: he's having sex with others, he's practicing safer sex with them. He's going out at X time, and will be back at X time. He will be responsible for his share of parenting and household and financial duties. He will meet your sexual and emotional needs as much as he can. He will also take you out on dates, and not just leave you as the exhausted child-caregiver, while's he's off having romance and sex galore, as if he were single.

Do you not get breaks from the kids? I don't know if a sitter is out of the question, especially for the special-needs kid. Is respite care covered under your insurance?

You sound exhausted and I am sorry you're going through this.

 

[LoveBunny]

I had 30 years of my needs being met and have huge guilt over my inability to provide what he needs. I have seen him grow and learn and I am truly pleased for him. While I am so very pleased for him, I am also very sad for me.

Breaking up is not an option, as we have a seriously ill child who needs the stability that we can offer as co-living, co-parenting at the moment, and I am financially dependent upon my partner as I am the primary caregiver for our child.

Why guilt? Are you being guilted into an arrangement you don't want?

Are you stuck at home with no life caring for an ill child while your partner is out having fun in new relationships?

I wouldn't want to hear s**t from him either.

 

[GalaGirl]

He feels terribly upset by the prospect of not sharing this with me and feels that it robs him of an opportunity to be open and honest and that it feels like I am cutting off support for him.

Does he have some kind of "sharing kink?" Because you can be supportive of him having other relationships without wanting to hear all these TMI details.

His attachment needs mean that he struggles to have capacity for my emotions

Are you saying he doesn't make effort to understand all the changes you've have to undergo/deal with so he can have other relationships? Or he knows you've been through a lot, but withholds any sympathy because you aren't waving cheerleader pompoms wanting to listen to him "share" all his stuff first?

Galagirl

 

[Warmknights]

I can't help wondering if his thoughts about the sharing part is an attempt to reassure you his intention is to be open and honest, so as not to make you feel worried about the strength of your relationship with him, perhaps?

 

[navigatingnewwaters]

Thank you for the replies...

Birdie:
Maybe have a loving talk with him, and ask him to "leave it at the door" because your home is *your* home. Him talking about his other relationships is not making it feel like a safe home to you.
I did raise this but we initially agreed that he would check in with me and let me know what was happening for him. He interpreted this as him sharing everything. I made the suggestion that I didn't need all the details, just tell me if something gets serious. He felt this was the wrong way to do things and that he wanted to have the space to talk about and share what was happening for him with me. This is something that is really important to him and it felt dishonest not to share. I have tried a few times to see if I can maybe have less detail shared but we are struggling to find something that works for him with my suggestions so for now it is full disclosure.

Magdlyn:
It's not fair to you or his other partners for him to share all the details that really should be private. I do feel uncomfortable with some of the information he wants to share and feel it is unfair to the others. I know he shares details about me with them as it is his way of processing things. I get and accept this.

Do you not get breaks from the kids? Kind of. Things are not as dire as they were and I can leave my daughter for short periods during the day. There is some parts of her care that he is not able to do. If I take a break I will factor in when I need to be back for her - usually I can get 2ish hours.
It has been a hugely stressful situation for us both and she will need care for a long time to come. That care does and will come down to me. This is something we have talked about and it is the best solution for her needs at this time.

He will be responsible for his share of parenting and household and financial duties. He will meet your sexual and emotional needs as much as he can: We have no sexual relationship any longer, this is part of why his needs have not been met. I tried but he needed more than I could offer. He does share in household tasks and he is responsible for most of the finances.

Lovebunny:
Why guilt? Are you being guilted into an arrangement you don't want?
I offered the option for him to outsource. I feel guilt because his needs were unmet for so long while I was fine.

Galagirl:
Does he have some kind of "sharing kink?" No, I think he feels it is the right way to do things and wants to be open and honest with everything that is happening. I think it is a lot for him to process and I have always filled the role of the listener and supporter for him and he doesn't want to lose that.

Are you saying he doesn't make effort to understand all the changes you've have to undergo/deal with so he can have other relationships? Or he knows you've been through a lot, but withholds any sympathy because you aren't waving cheerleader pompoms wanting to listen to him "share" all his stuff first?
I think he is making a huge effort to understand the changes that are happening . He does struggle with my lack of enthusiasm I think. He is really uncomfortable with my emotions and I must admit I am a feeler and a shower of those feelings. I am learning new ways to deal with my emotions so that he does not wear the brunt of them.

Warm Night:
I tend to agree, I think his intentions are good and it is an attempt to be honest and open and clear.
I think he is in the new experience heaven energy right now and this is fun and exciting for him. He is out and away a fair bit while in this phase and I think that sharing is his way of trying to reconnect and feel accepted by me.

 

[GalaGirl]

Galagirl:
Does he have some kind of "sharing kink?" No, I think he feels it is the right way to do things and wants to be open and honest with everything that is happening. I think it is a lot for him to process and I have always filled the role of the listener and supporter for him and he doesn't want to lose that.

(You + he) aren't the only couple in the system any more. There are also (him + X). Why can't his other partner listen to this stuff instead of you? Why isn't he talking to a counselor or trusted friend/relative who is OUTSIDE the poly system and could be impartial?

It's not your job to be his free therapist, especially when you are having your own adjustments and challenges with all this. You can fully accept being in in a poly system, and fully accept him dating other people, WITHOUT having to listen to every detail of his experience of it.

It's okay to have your own personal boundaries with a partner. I love my husband a lot, but I don't show him my tissue when I sneeze in it. I don't show him my used pads when I'm on my period. I don't tell him every thought or feeling that I have. Decades later, he still won't go in my purse even if I tell him it's okay. He will bring it to me to fish out whatever it is for him. I won't go in his wallet either. I ask him for a card and he gets it out, when I'm doing taxes, or something.

One does not have to share EVERYTHING with a partner. One can love them and be close, but there is such a thing as TOO much togetherness, having no filters, no boundaries and taking them and their stuff for granted. Enmeshment is not a good thing.

I get that in the past you used to listen to everything, but it's YOUR ears. For some of his things, you might still be willing to help do that and listen, but it does not have to be ALL his things. You may prefer he deal with his other relationship stuff on his own or with his other partner and leave you out of it. You are not the relationship coach or couple's therapist for that side of the V.

If he's being a sloppy hinge, leaking stuff from that side of the V on to you on this side, you could ask him to stop doing that. Learn to be a better hinge with better personal boundaries.

334 - What Makes a Good Hinge Partner — Multiamory

Being a hinge partner can be tough sometimes. This episode focuses on some unique struggles that hinge partners may face, some common pitfalls, and what it takes to be a good hinge partner.

www.multiamory.com

You don't have to be up for listening to all this stuff just because he wants to tell. Your consent to do stuff or not belongs to YOU. You do not have to consent to do this listening labor or emotional labor just because he wants you to and thinks that's the best way or "right way" to do things. It might be great for him, but it sounds like a drag for you.

You may end up discovering that you two have different poly practice styles that are not compatible.

He does struggle with my lack of enthusiasm I think. He is really uncomfortable with my emotions and I must admit I am a feeler and a shower of those feelings. I am learning new ways to deal with my emotions so that he does not wear the brunt of them.

But you have to bear HIS, because he won't learn new ways to deal with his emotions or respect your, "No, thanks, I don't want to do that."

How about you guys become okay with being in transition? Some of it will feel good and some won't, and that's okay. Each one is responsible for managing their own feelings without overloading the other one with it. Each one respects the other's, "No, thanks, I don't want to do that" when it's said.

Galagirl

 

[navigatingnewwaters]

We are seeing a counsellor. I know he shares openly with his friends about me/us and I assume he does this with his other partners, as this is how he is wired. He has read a lot of books and talked to a lot of poly friends about mono/poly relationships working. Open communication seems key. He thinks that I am being avoidant, and not wanting to deal with hard emotions, and maybe he is right. I think it just brings up stuff for me and I need to learn to process that.

 

[GalaGirl]

Then I think you could talk to your counselor about this.

"Open communication" doesn't mean "overloading you." It's okay for you to need time to adjust and not have to deal with everything at once. Trying to pace yourself is not "avoiding." He's got plenty of people to share with, from the sound of it. He's not going lacking. It's like he wants you to arrive "instantly" and already be there, but he and his wants are not the center of the world. There are other people in this system too, and they need to go at their OWN speed.

I think it just brings up stuff for me and I need to learn to process that.

Of course it does. This is a big change. You can do your personal work at YOUR speed, with your counselor, WITHOUT him provoking, poking, pushing, or rushing you. Is he not able to respect that? Bring it up in counseling.

Galagirl

 

[navigatingnewwaters]

We had a big talk this morning. I think working out the whole friend thing is going to take time. He doesn't get why I think we can't be the way we were and is still really resistant to me not wanting to know about details of his other relationships.

At the moment, we are trying to talk about shared time and I asked him to think about the kids and how he was going to be in their lives/how much time he would make for them.

At the moment he is out between 3-4 times a week and wants one evening with me, as well as time on his own. While I am wanting to spend one evening a week with him away from the kids and feel this will be really important to try and maintain something, I am also a little sad.

An evening out means my daughter's health is compromised. I have kind of made peace that sometimes I have to have a break, and that means she will suffer, and I have to live with that. The way I do this is that I have a one night a week maximum break from her. It is super important that I spend this time with my (not sure what to call him now...friend who I have children with?) but it also means that I can not have any evenings out that are for me.

I guess it is just a hard situation, and him being home more doesn't change it, as he can't do the cares that are needed in the evening. I think that I just want some acknowledgement that this is pretty shit for me and him coming home full of the delights he has experienced makes it a bit shittier.

 

[Magdlyn]

I know you don't seem to want to share why you are the only parent that can care for your child in the evening. I can't imagine what it could be, other than you're breastfeeding, or that your daughter doesn't trust her father somehow.

I don't think it's fair that you are swamped with motherhood, but he gets to go out with multiple other partners 3-4 times a week! That's too much! That's entirely unfair to you. Many poly people don't practice poly at all when their kids are young and needy, or if they do, they might each have just one OSO (other significant other), whom they see maybe once a week, and who has to come to their house and be patient with the kids' routines and needs.

Why does he get to be a bio dad but hardly do any parenting? Just because he's getting a paycheck doesn't mean he gets to play and go out and have fun romantic times with others 3-4 nights a week.

And on top of that, you get no breaks.

And on top of THAT, he whines if he can't describe every exciting fun detail of his poly life to you.

There's something rotten in Denmark.

Men that father kids, but then decide they don't want to be parents, and put all the childcare burden on the mothers are pretty poor excuses for human beings, in my opinion. That might have been fine in the 1950s, but it sure isn't okay in this day and age!

 

[navigatingnewwaters]

Our children are not young. Our youngest is 15. Part of her medical crisis involves an eating disorder and night time meals are her most challenging. The fact is that she will not eat for him no matter what we have tried so it is me that does the night support. He has always needed a much more 'free' life than I have and I have always been okay with that but I am struggling with the level of intimacy he is now having and our daughters health has created an extra layer of stress. I think he wants to be here less because it is not that much fun being here and I get that completely. He feels shut out because she is actively shutting him out so it is on my shoulders for now.

 

[GalaGirl]

He doesn't get why I think we can't be the way we were and is still really resistant to me not wanting to know about details of his other relationships.

You know what? He's not respecting your consent. Nor that of the other partner(s), who might not want him telling you all these details, not because anything hinky is going on, but because every dyad deserves privacy.

At the moment, he is out between 3-4 times a week, and wants one evening with me, as well as time on his own. While I am wanting to spend one evening a week with him away from the kids and feel this will be really important to try and maintain something, I am also a little sad.

This is not sustainable nor realistic. He sounds all caught up in NRE for the idea of polyamory as well as NRE with the other(s).

I guess it is just a hard situation, and him being home more doesn't change it, as he can't do the cares that are needed in the evening. I think that I just want some acknowledgement that this is pretty shit for me, and him coming home full of the delights he has experienced makes it a bit shittier.

It is VERY shitty that he's pretty much an absent father and you are basically a single mom. And VERY shitty that when he's there he wants you to be all smiles and listen to TMI details you don't want to hear about.

I imagine you have tried everything you can try. One of my kids has a friend who had to do a hospital program for ED for a year and went to online/hospital school while at the facility. But I know not every place has a hospital with programs like that.

I think you are right to get out at least once a week. Really it could be two -- once with your spouse and once alone while he tends to things at home that day. But I can also understand being tied to your child and worried about them.

It's difficult.

It just makes me sadder/madder for you that you handle a tough parenting load and your coparent sounds like they are basically not there for you.

I honesty don't know what he's thinking/what's wrong with him. You deserve much better treatment with this. Even without the poly, there are problems here with him not stepping up as a coparent. Just expecting you to be all there for him with smiles, when he's not really sounding there for you.

Some people get to a point where it's like, "Since I'm basically a single parent anyway, and the spouse makes more work here than helping, I may as well divorce and reduce my load." I don't think that's you right now, but I do think you need to get some help/balance in your life, because this is a SUPER hard load you are under right now.

I suggest you tell your counselor everything that's been going on. Don't hold anything back.

Galagirl

 

[navigatingnewwaters]

I think I have stuffed things up. I am trying so hard to be okay with all of this and to accept that this is just how he is wired. A huge chunk of me is so excited for him and so pleased he can finally get out and explore and have these really close connections for other people.

I also feel that if I can't get on board that it is on me for not being open enough to new things and new ways of being. It feels like I am killing any chance for our marriage to work.

Now that everything is so public and he openly dates other people I feel so exposed to the world. My husband has a huge network where polyamory is okay and accepted but for me in this community we live in that is not the case.

I have discovered I am really insecure and scared and so very, very hurt and while I know he is who he is...it still kind of feels like if I had done enough or been enough, we wouldn't be where we are.

I am scared that my daughter's health will suffer if I don't make this work, in fact everyone will be impacted negatively if I don't make it work.
He can't and shouldn't change who he is and what he needs which means I either have to learn to live with this or I have to destroy everything.

I just can't see any other choices in this.

The counselling session we had was not really useful but we are setting up something for someone a bit more knowledgeable about Polyamory and maybe they can come up with a solution other than what I see as "I sacrifice" or "Everybody sacrifices"....

He doesn't want us to end, he truly wants this to work so it comes down to me if I can do it or not.

 

[Bobbi]

Yes, get a poly-friendly therapist. Frankly, you both will have to compromise (deal with something you don't want) to make it work.

if I had done enough or been enough, we wouldn't be where we are.

This thinking is not helpful. It's based on programming that one person must fulfill all of your needs, and it's harmful, as that simply is not true. We used to have large families and villages that took care of everything and the partner supplied sex and means of procreation. They were never everything; that's what the village was for.

There are things you cannot provide and you do not need to apologize for that. Just recognize it and find the compassion that you want the person you love to have that thing or things.

I am trying so hard to be okay with all of this

Stop trying to be okay with it. I say this to mean, stop trying to control your feelings about it.

When you try to control or stop your feelings, they get amplified until you break. Controlling them doesn't make them go away, it makes them worse. Instead, feel them fully.

Go find a space where you can be alone, loud, and free to scream-- in your room, into a pillow, in your car in the middle of nowhere, it doesn't matter. Then feel all of your feelings, fully. Cry like you lost him, scream because it isn't fair. Feel the loss of the future you had created in your mind if how this would be. You need to grieve the relationship you had to build a new one.

When you allow yourself to really feel all of your feelings, they will resolve in about 90 seconds. After, you'll feel calmer and better able to think more objectively.

Do this whenever things get hard. I've even found during a fight if I take 5 minutes to really let it out, I can come back and have a productive discussion after the fact. Don't let it out on your partner... go be alone.

This won't solve your problems, but it can help you process feelings quickly so you can be present without your feelings controlling you.

I am scared that my daughter's health will suffer if I don't make this work, in fact everyone will be impacted negatively if I don't make it work.
He can't and shouldn't change who he is and what he needs, which means I either have to learn to live with this or I have to destroy everything.

I would suggest you get counseling and support about your codependency regarding your daughters ED. Getting that education and therapy might be the most freeing and healing thing you could do for you and your daughter. Get her into rehab. All insurance is required by law to cover it if it covers medical hospitalization.

I'm sorry you are struggling. You are in a bad place, but it will get better. You just need the tools to help you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think I have stuffed things up. I am trying so hard to be okay with all of this and to accept that this is just how he is wired. A huge chunk of me is so excited for him and so pleased he can finally get out and explore and have these really close connections for other people.

How about you give yourself permission to NOT be ok with everything LIKE THIS?

You can accept this is how he is wired. You can accept he wants to do polyamory, and STILL not want to do poly with him because his style of practicing poly is not compatible with your style of doing poly.

Why are all the changes on you? Is that how it always is in this marriage? Unless he adjusts his poly practice some, and steps up on the parenting front so you can get some time off too, how about you decide that don't want to do poly with him LIKE THIS?

He gets breaks from parenting to go out on dates and things, but you don't get any breaks from parenting. How is that okay or fair?

I also feel that if I can't get on board, that it is on me for not being open enough to new things and new ways of being. It feels like I am killing any chance for our marriage to work.

You aren't the only one in the marriage. You aren't there having it by yourself. You are responsible for your fair share of the load only. He could be doing his fair share of the load.

Now that everything is so public, and he openly dates other people, I feel so exposed to the world. My husband has a huge network where polyamory is okay and accepted, but for me in this community we live in, that is not the case.

Yes, you need your own support network. If you do not have one yet, it gets very lonely/isolating. For now, you could lean on online groups, but I encourage you to try to make more friends. Perhaps there's a parent-support group for ED patients.

I have discovered I am really insecure and scared and so very, very hurt. And while I know he is who he is... it still kind of feels like if I had done enough or been enough, we wouldn't be where we are.

He's being an absent father and he's not LISTENING to you. He's also all caught up in NRE. So I think you feeling insecure, scared, and upset is a NORMAL response/reaction to what you are dealing in.

I am scared that my daughter's health will suffer if I don't make this work. In fact, fact everyone will be impacted negatively if I don't make it work.

I think your daughter's health will be what it is whether her parents' marriage stays together or not. It's not "the marriage" providing her with care. It's the parents and her medical team providing her with her patient care plan.

I am worried you are under great strain. I hope you have told your counselor all that is going on and are not just focusing on the poly thing. You might be at risk for situational depression, caregiver burnout, and a whole bunch of other things.

He can't and shouldn't change who he is and what he needs, which means I either have to learn to live with this, or I have to destroy everything.

Why does he get all this understanding and you don't? He can't and shouldn't change who he is and what he needs. Well, what about you? You can't and shouldn't change who YOU are and what YOU need. Those things might not go together anymore, but YOU matter too. YOU count too.

"Change" is not "destruction."

I just can't see any other choices in this.

The other choice besides you bending into pretzels or forcing yourself to get okay with this when you really aren't is to think about a trial separation. See what life on your own is like for a bit.

I am not sure you are ready to think about that. You sound like you are at the start of anticipatory grief and not at full acceptance that perhaps in order to stay together, you two might have to have a separation for a bit. And you are afraid to do it because you might also discover you two are better off apart. Emotionally, that's tough to face.

In case it helps you talk with the counselor:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

The counselling session we had was not really useful, but we are setting up something for someone a bit more knowledgeable about polyamory. Maybe they can come up with a solution other than what I see as "I sacrifice" or "Everybody sacrifices"....

Sometimes it takes a few tries to get a counselor that "clicks."

In case it helps you any:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

I encourage you to think about individual counseling for just you too. You have a lot going on.

He doesn't want us to end, he truly wants this to work, so it comes down to me if I can do it, or not.

He doesn't want "us" to end, but he won't stop oversharing details that you do not want so you can have a lighter stress load during this adjustment time?

Galagirl