Advice for my Husband

Status
Not open for further replies.

Kim000

New member
Me and my husband a kinda new to poly. We both have people we are interested in... I am seeing the person I am interested in and he is talking to the person he is interested in..they dated for a whole already and the ran into some problems that lead them to stop. But they both love eachother still.... they have been intimate...I have not. My husband is having a really hard time being comfortable with me being intimate with my boyfriend. He's trying very hard to do what he can but I'm just looking for advice to help him. He keeps saying he can't stop picturing me and my boyfriend together and it actually affected his proformance with me last night. Any advice is welcome please
 
My husband is having a really hard time being comfortable with me being intimate with my boyfriend.

The short answer is that he needs to re-frame how he is looking at this situation.

Instead of allowing these doom images to continue roaming around in his head, he needs to re-frame it into something closer to gratitude. He needs to start focusing on how glad he is that you are able to have so much love in your life, that he wants good things for you, and that he needs to learn to embrace that your freedom and happiness is connected to his freedom and happiness.

He's trying very hard to do what he can but I'm just looking for advice to help him. He keeps saying he can't stop picturing me and my boyfriend together

The long answer is a bit more in-depth, and has more to do with how you respond, then what he is doing.

Insecurity is just what happens when we try to imagine our future, and the only predictions we can make are scary. It doesn't mean that the future is actually scary, it just means that it's all we can picture (or at least the dominant picture).

When I start a new job, my stomach is in knots and I dred every moment because I am certain that I'm going to screw everything up and make myself look like a complete idiot. While history doesn't support this assumption, it tends to be something that I carry with me and need to work through with each time I get a new job. The solution is to go to work, be nice, pay attention, and learn the new tasks and dynamics. Once I've established an actual pattern (as opposed to an imagined pattern) I can start to relax and let go of this insecurity.

The mistake that a lot of people make is to try and avoid the source of the insecurity and confuse ourselves into thinking that is a solution for the insecurity. As with anything else, we only gain strength and competency by being tested, working through it, and learning from our successes and failures. So when it comes to dealing with "insecurity about my partner rubbing their genitals against someone else's genitals", the only way to actually grow past that is to establish a new pattern of viewing it, which is only going to happen by working through the situation.

I recommend you continue living your life, being kind and supportive of his feelings where you can, draw and maintain healthy boundaries, let him be where he is without taking his issues on as your issues, be honest and don't coddle.

and it actually affected his proformance with me last night. Any advice is welcome please

"Male performance" is a big issue with me. My issue isn't whether or not men get erections, but the fact that we hold that as such a big deal. This is a social tradition that I want to encourage everyone to step away from. It is corrosive to our ability to be sexually expressive with each other because it is a strict gender norm that insists there is only one way to be a man.

Lesbians have perfectly healthy and rewarding sex lives and neither of them manage to get a blood engorged erection that they slip into one another. Sex is more involved that an erection, and some of the best sex I've ever had didn't involve one. One of the most rewarding sexual experiences I have with my partner is to have a shower and scrub each other from head to toe; I leave the shower feeling an almost euphoric sense of connection and it is absolutely beautiful.

I want to encourage you (and everyone) to look past this one rather inconsequential biological response, and instead learn to be present, expressive, intimate, curious, experimental, and enjoy the moment. Stop pretending that sex can only happen when there is an engorged penis present, because that couldn't be further from the truth.
 
The short answer is that he needs to re-frame how he is looking at this situation.

Instead of allowing these doom images to continue roaming around in his head, he needs to re-frame it into something closer to gratitude. He needs to start focusing on how glad he is that you are able to have so much love in your life, that he wants good things for you, and that he needs to learn to embrace that your freedom and happiness is connected to his freedom and happiness.



The long answer is a bit more in-depth, and has more to do with how you respond, then what he is doing.

Insecurity is just what happens when we try to imagine our future, and the only predictions we can make are scary. It doesn't mean that the future is actually scary, it just means that it's all we can picture (or at least the dominant picture).

When I start a new job, my stomach is in knots and I dred every moment because I am certain that I'm going to screw everything up and make myself look like a complete idiot. While history doesn't support this assumption, it tends to be something that I carry with me and need to work through with each time I get a new job. The solution is to go to work, be nice, pay attention, and learn the new tasks and dynamics. Once I've established an actual pattern (as opposed to an imagined pattern) I can start to relax and let go of this insecurity.

The mistake that a lot of people make is to try and avoid the source of the insecurity and confuse ourselves into thinking that is a solution for the insecurity. As with anything else, we only gain strength and competency by being tested, working through it, and learning from our successes and failures. So when it comes to dealing with "insecurity about my partner rubbing their genitals against someone else's genitals", the only way to actually grow past that is to establish a new pattern of viewing it, which is only going to happen by working through the situation.

I recommend you continue living your life, being kind and supportive of his feelings where you can, draw and maintain healthy boundaries, let him be where he is without taking his issues on as your issues, be honest and don't coddle.



"Male performance" is a big issue with me. My issue isn't whether or not men get erections, but the fact that we hold that as such a big deal. This is a social tradition that I want to encourage everyone to step away from. It is corrosive to our ability to be sexually expressive with each other because it is a strict gender norm that insists there is only one way to be a man.

Lesbians have perfectly healthy and rewarding sex lives and neither of them manage to get a blood engorged erection that they slip into one another. Sex is more involved that an erection, and some of the best sex I've ever had didn't involve one. One of the most rewarding sexual experiences I have with my partner is to have a shower and scrub each other from head to toe; I leave the shower feeling an almost euphoric sense of connection and it is absolutely beautiful.

I want to encourage you (and everyone) to look past this one rather inconsequential biological response, and instead learn to be present, expressive, intimate, curious, experimental, and enjoy the moment. Stop pretending that sex can only happen when there is an engorged penis present, because that couldn't be further from the truth.
Thank you very much for all of that ! And I do want to clarify that his "lack of performance " was not an issue with me at all. I totally feel the same as you, it was him who said it was a problem for him. We still had an amazing time in my eyes... I enjoyed every second of it.
 
Hi Kim,

I totally agree with Marcus' advice and perspective. If your husband will practice getting some exposure to the reality that you are being intimate with your boyfriend, it will gradually get easier for your husband. I even think he will regain his erections, although that would be a bonus. Your husband has had a problem with you dating anyone but him for a long time, as per your previous threads. While him dating someone other than you is intermittently fine with him. The present would be a good time for him to start overcoming that insecurity and double standard.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I guess I wonder why you are writing about it rather than him?

I don't read that he actually asked for any help. And if he did, you could tell him this isn't stuff you can do for him. If he's thinking things that upset him, the one to stop thinking those things is HIM.

What you could for you is to detangle. You can care about your spouse, but you can't be all caught up in his emotional management. He's the one who does that. As long as you keep your safer sex agreements the same as DH keeps his so both are looking out for health hygiene... This sounds like his personal work to be doing.

You don't have to make a big deal about it. Just live your life like normal, and as your relationship with your other partner unfolds and gets to that place? Keep on living life like normal.

SOMEONE has to be the first lover after opening... so DH could try not getting carried away with it.

A long time ago BF2 was all stressed about how soon after he and I were together did I share sex with BF1 again. I told him that was NOT only my data, that was also BF1's personal data. And I don't kiss and tell. Safer sex practices were being used. That was the agreement across all.

I didn't like it but if he really needed to know I could ask BF1 if he consented to share that. If he said ok, then I'd tell but if he said no I was going to respect that.

Then BF2 said he was actually fine and never mind. When he saw me being firm about personal boundaries, he realized his fear was me comparing or blabbing to BF1 about how BF2 was in bed. So when he saw me holding the line going one way, he knew I would hold the line going the other way if BF1 started asking things. So he could relax. But he wasn't able to articulate the fear clearly at first.

Is is something like that? I guess you could ask.

As for erections... years ago my mother took a poll of my husband, my sister's husband, various other relatives. My dad was obsessing about not having reliable erections as he aged. My husband said "So what? Did I lose my fingers? Tongue? Toys? I can have sex and share sensual pleasure lots of ways." So maybe that's worth having a conversation about too.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
The one penis policy is one of the most common issues we get questions about on this forum. So your husband is not alone. The truth of the matter is, modern polyamory is based on female autonomy. It absolutely hinges on the woman's power to choose whom to love and whom to fuck, whether it's one man til death parts them, or more than one man, or men and women, or transgender people, or no one at all. Of course, this entirely goes against approximately 3000-5000 years of men trying to control female sexual autonomy. So, sure, some men are going to feel some kinda way about it.

I agree with the above comments. Live your life. You can't feel his feelings for him, you can't deal with his feelings. That's his job. Express your fondness for your bf in the way you see fit. Be respectful with both guys. Don't kiss and tell. Use safer sex. Spend quality time with your husband. One sex session with a limp willie is not the end of the world. Your husband feels fear. Fear is going to wreck an erection. It will pop back up again, once he learns that you are living your authentic life and that will make you a better partner, more fun to be with, in the long run.
 
The truth of the matter is, modern polyamory is based on female autonomy. It absolutely hinges on the woman's power to choose whom to love and whom to fuck, whether it's one man til death parts them, or more than one man, or men and women, or transgender people, or no one at all

Respectfully, I disagree. The exact same premise of women getting to choose how many relationships they want and how so is the exact. same. premise that men get to have, whether you like that fact or not. Your adamant insistence on soapboxing that poly is some sort of "divine feminine expression" is absolute crap. This is a relationship style and the Goddess doesn't have squat to do with it. And if she does, you can jolly well believe that the Green Man/Holly King is right there with her.


I agree with the above comments. Live your life. You can't feel his feelings for him, you can't deal with his feelings. That's his job.

And HER job as the hinge is to honor and love BOTH of her partners which means if DH is having issues with all of this, she needs to address that with him and not go flitting off on a date because "that's on your husband". That is neither kind nor loving and quite frankly smacks of just wanting to get your rocks off with Chad McThundercock instead of helping your husband deal with what is probably a traumatic thing for him.
 
He's trying very hard to do what he can but I'm just looking for advice to help him. He keeps saying he can't stop picturing me and my boyfriend together and it actually affected his proformance with me last night. Any advice is welcome please

Can you elaborate on what exactly he has tried so far? It may help us make recommendations if we have a better idea of what type of mental work he has already attempted.
 
In the end, it is he that must search for his solution. That is the only way for his buy in. You may give him information, but he is the one that will decide if he will use it.
 
I realize I’m way late to this party and I hope this situation has resolved itself with good out comes but here again if communication is key are the right questions being asked. The op’s husband is verbally expressing issue and stance and his body is also telling him and the op something. Has they’re been any thought or discussions on does he really want to do this ? We can get carried away in the hypocrisy of a OPP and dismiss this as live by the sword die by the noodle …” oh well he‘ll get over it “ but is that good communication ?
 
Respectfully, I disagree. The exact same premise of women getting to choose how many relationships they want and how so is the exact. same. premise that men get to have, whether you like that fact or not.

I'm fine with that fact.
It is interesting how angry this seems to make you feel. Your font boldness and size are very expressive.

Men have had the power to bed or take as wife or concubine more than one woman for a very long time, while women hve not. Even if it's not out in the open and fully respected, men have had social permission to sleep around way more than women have had. This is so obvious I don't understand why it's an issue, much less an angering one. Men that sleep around are studs, which is seen as a positive. Women that sleep around are called sluts, which is obviously a negative. (Women have been getting more empowered sexually in the last few decades, but we've got thousands of years of history of being owned and controlled to overcome.) Men that "allow" "their" women to have another man are seen as cuckolds, again, a social negative, a weakness. Therefore, it is very common for men to be OK with a monogamous wife, or a wife who agrees to only seek other women as sex partners, but not men. (Other women can't make us pregnant, so the patrilineal line is preserved.)

In my ideal scenario, both women and men would be able to choose with whom to have sex. I am not pushing an agenda that women should be able to choose with whom to have sex, or even have kids with, and men should be monogamous. Insisting or implying that a feminist perspective would mean women would have more power (in general) than men is as bad as saying that if Black people want full rights, it means they want more power than what White people have, not just equality.

Your adamant insistence on soapboxing that poly is some sort of "divine feminine expression" is absolute crap. This is a relationship style and the Goddess doesn't have squat to do with it. And if she does, you can jolly well believe that the Green Man/Holly King is right there with her.

I'll let the "goddess" stuff go. I have no need to argue it because I've read the history.
And HER job as the hinge is to honor and love BOTH of her partners, which means if DH is having issues with all of this, she needs to address that with him and not go flitting off on a date because "that's on your husband." That is neither kind nor loving and quite frankly smacks of just wanting to get your rocks off with Chad McThundercock instead of helping your husband deal with what is probably a traumatic thing for him.
I recommended she respect her husband and spend quality time with him. I thought that implied being loving and kind, not just "flitting off with Chad McWhatever." (Chad is an incel term for an alpha male... are you speaking from an incel perspective?) It's certainly fine to "help" any partner or friend deal with their feelings, but you can not do all the work. GalaGirl talks about this all the time. Some things are for you to do, some things are for your partner to do, and some things are shared. It's best to determine which is which.
 
Flaming is not acceptable on this forum.
It is interesting how angry this seems to make you feel. Your font boldness and size are very expressive.

There are obvious reasons for this. Your wholesale and unqualified contempt for the male of our species being the primary example. I know you do this because your husband is no longer around for you to slag on, however, this behavior is really quite unseemly for a person of your age.


In my ideal scenario, both women and men would be able to choose with whom to have sex. I am not pushing an agenda that women should be able to choose with whom to have sex, or even have kids with, and men should be monogamous. Insisting or implying that a feminist perspective would mean women would have more power (in general) than men is as bad as saying that if Black people want full rights, it means they want more power than what White people have, not just equality.

And yet your post history says otherwise. I am not going to cite all examples and instead post my favorite example of how you treat men and women separately.

In this post, your most egregious behavior came when you openly advocated that a RAPE VICTIM REMAIN FRIENDS WITH THEIR ATTACKER. To wit:

You can go back to just being friends with this predatory-seeming person, you know.

And then you blamed the victim with this gem:

There is just no way you should have had unprotected sex with her after she told you she'd just had unprotected sex with 2 other people, one a complete stranger. That's on you, dude.

I'm sorry, but had this person been female there is quite literally no WAY you would have advocated ANY that. Like, at all. And how you managed to remain a mod after that is beyond me. I have heard and seen mods doing all kinds of chicanery and shenanigans (have been mod myself more than a few times), and I literally cannot stomach that.

And since you are the one dragging feminism into most of your posts, that last bit is on you.

I'll let the "goddess" stuff go. I have no need to argue it because I've read the history.

I too have read that history and quite frankly, I personally have NO need to go from a "patriarchy" to a "matriarchy". Religion only need to enter the equation only and ONLY when it involves the participants of the 'cule and not in any other aspect. A good portion of us have had religion shoved down our throats most of our lives and have no need for further religious catechism regardless of the gender involved.

(Chad is an incel term for an alpha male... are you speaking from an incel perspective?)

I like how you think this is an insult. And no, no I am not. But then again you knew that, and decided to try and have a go at me anyway with that.


It's certainly fine to "help" any partner or friend deal with their feelings, but you can not do all the work. GalaGirl talks about this all the time. Some things are for you to do, some things are for your partner to do, and some things are shared. It's best to determine which is which.

Yes. but OP's husband can't exactly do that if she's out on a date with her BF, now can she?
 
Last edited:
Perhaps it would be more useful to the OP if the advice stayed on topic? I begin to think there needs to be one thread for the discussion of historical monogamy, nonmonogamy, and the genders of the practitioners thereof so that it quits being a point of contention on a regular basis.
 
It’s a shame OP decided not to return…

If I were in this situation, my expectation would be centered on sincere effort and progress. What is hubby doing to manage these disruptive thoughts? e.g. CBT? Okay, is he doing the exercises every day, week, month?

And if that isn’t working is he taking the next steps, like therapy? I would want to see sincere investment in solving the problem, otherwise I would fear he lacked the intention to get over this mental hurdle and was content with the double standard.


@Mags - I think when you say modern polyamory is based on female autonomy, I believe you really do feel that way. We are often regaled with your perspectives of feminism and the patriarchy in almost every post relating to some sort of male oppression on a female’s sexual autonomy. You want your message to be delivered to new members so I can understand repetition.

However, contrary to the above, when you are talking to a female oppressor your tone changes significantly. You revert to a more understanding demeanor, you even appear to go so far as to advocate for female oppressors (so long as they are LGBQT).

e.g. Married lesbian with a Bi wife

For someone who is quite outspoken about gender awareness, equality, and fluidity; your treatment of people on this website is surprisingly sexist. I think that is central to why you inspire vitriol more often than other members on the site. I only offer my perspective in the event that you are genuinely curious about why people occasionally react to you in such a way…

@HaloOnFire
Mags is almost 70yrs old. She is not going to change. I hardly think your efforts justify your time…
 
I feel like the lighting rod the git this thread going again. However it has nothing at all to do with what I posted. AND it feels weird not being directly involved with a disagreement with mags.🥴😆. You have to admire her consistency 😄👍.
 
A pretty good demonstration of misogyny = repeatedly harping on a woman's age when you don't like what she has to say.
 
Okay, OP has gone, this thread has gone off track. I'm closing it to further replies. Warnings may yet be issued.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top