Am i being unreasonable? Any advice

Jake

New member
Hi, my wife of 14 years and I recently decided to go to an open relationship. We set some initial boundaries and thought we then would adjust over time if need be as we go and figure out things.

One thing I do get a bit anxious when my wife is out, just from a safety perspective. I know it is silly and probably not that normal (and it is something i'm getting better at and working on) but I asked if she could let me know the address if she goes to a guys place in case something goes wrong and she needs me to get her or whatever, at least the first time with someone.

And the other is just to let me know roughly what time she would be home if she was going out with someone. One example was she said she was just going out for an hour or so, then said she might be a "little" later and when I woke up hours later she wasn't home and didn't have any message from her I got a bit worried and called her see if she was all good. Not just for a safety thing but also just to know whether to wait up for her so I can spend at least a little bit of time with her before bed.

I have never said no to anything she wants to do or demanded any time limitations. But when I asked if she could do those two things she refused and said it was really weird and is really controlling and that her friends she has spoken to say the same.

I was just hoping if I could get some advice on whether you think I am being unreasonable or out of line (or controlling)?

Thanks in advance
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Every couple gets to decide what kind of things make them comfortable. I will say that I do tell my nesting partner where I will be going, the name of the restaurant for a first date, or the address of my new dating partner if I do go to his/her place. I also give her the dating partner's phone number. Women are vulnerable and there are some creeps/rapists/etc. out there! I don't find this kind of request "controlling" in the least.

As for coming home hours late, this is rude. I did have that experience once with my nesting partner when we were first dating. She did unexpectedly spend the night with a new dating person. She missed the last bus home (this was in a major city). I arrived at her place the following morning at 11am and she wasn't home yet! You bet I got worried. We had a very serious talk when she got home shortly thereafter, and that never happened again!

I hope you can have a calm rational talk without accusatory words like "weird" and "controlling." Back in my younger days I was date raped twice (2 different guys), and had to fight off another guy who was trying to get his penis in my vagina without my consent, and was also assaulted on the street by a stranger. These things do happen.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
but I asked if she could let me know the address if she goes to a guys place in case something goes wrong and she needs me to get her or whatever, at least the first time with someone.
Let's be logical here. If she's in danger, she should call the cops. If she's able to tell you that she needs you, she can give you the address at that point.

You don't need to know in advance to be on hand to meet her in an emergency.

Not just for a safety thing but also just to know whether to wait up for her so I can spend at least a little bit of time with her before bed.

This might not be practical. It might also dampen her dates if she thinks you're waiting up for your quality time together. The same goes for trying to estimate how long she will be gone to the point you hold her to it. It may not work for her.



I have never said no to anything she wants to do

Has she asked you to change the way you date other people?
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Read up on detangling….kev please post the link for that …thanks in advance.

Jake this might be a good to time to discuss all the other risks as well …what are the safe sex protocols / std testing …what if scenarios…like she if becomes pregnant, etc
 
Last edited:

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Kinda wondering what's controlling to her? Just asking questions?
  • You asked if she could let you know the address if she goes to a guys place for the first time in case something goes wrong.
  • You asked if she could let you know roughly what time she would be home so you could stay up and hang out together.
She said no to both.

She doesn't want to let you know address if she goes over to someone's house. Date rape is a reality for people. At the same time... what would you be able to do? Let's be honest -- if there's problems like that 911 is the better call to make, not you. If smaller problems? She can tell you the address when she calls you.

She doesn't want stay up with you to hang out after a date. How about you make your own dates with her at separate times rather than same day?

That's all she has to do. "No, thank you. I prefer not to do that."

What's up with calling you names like "weird" and "controlling" just for asking? You aren't a mind reader. You have to ask to find out. So that part I found unnecessary. And why tell all the friends? They aren't in this dyad or live in this house. They don't get a vote in your shared agreements with your wife.

Every group of roomies has to figure out how to be and if they are going to be compatible for living together.

I'd leave notes on the fridge when I had roomies when I was a young adult. Now I do same or share digital calendars. Not because anyone controls me, but because I live with people. I can't act like I'm the only one who lives here. Other people need to sleep and have school or work the next day. To me? It's just basic roomie courtesy to let people know what to expect when. Then try to be quiet when going out/coming in and not slam doors and make a ruckus waking the household. Others who live here do same.

I guess you could ask her what would be roomie polite to her, and if she's gonna go in and out whenever... does that mean she takes the guest room or couch then? To avoid waking you up if you've already gone to bed and you share a bedroom?

Eventually if either one of you have a guest stay over... what then? Do you need to talk about having separate bedrooms? What your safer sex agreements are? Agreements for use of common rooms? Like people not walking around naked in common rooms -- put on clothes, a robe, PJs or something?

Maybe get some of that that sorted ahead of time?
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Jake,

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to ask her for those two things, but it could get unreasonable if you stopped asking and started demanding. You could explain to her that it is mainly for her safety that you ask, although there does seem to be a little jealousy or discomfort at work here too. But she is responsible for her own safety, if she does not want to take the precaution of telling you where she will be and for how long, that is kind of her right and privilege. And maybe she is the one being unreasonable, but as it is her safety (not yours) that is at stake, she should be the one to be able to make that call.

Evie gave the link for detangling.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Jake

New member
Every couple gets to decide what kind of things make them comfortable. I will say that I do tell my nesting partner where I will be going, the name of the restaurant for a first date, or the address of my new dating partner if I do go to his/her place. I also give her the dating partner's phone number. Women are vulnerable and there are some creeps/rapists/etc. out there! I don't find this kind of request "controlling" in the least.

As for coming home hours late, this is rude. I did have that experience once with my nesting partner when we were first dating. She did unexpectedly spend the night with a new dating person. She missed the last bus home (this was in a major city). I arrived at her place the following morning at 11am and she wasn't home yet! You bet I got worried. We had a very serious talk when she got home shortly thereafter, and that never happened again!

I hope you can have a calm rational talk without accusatory words like "weird" and "controlling." Back in my younger days I was date raped twice (2 different guys), and had to fight off another guy who was trying to get his penis in my vagina without my consent, and was also assaulted on the street by a stranger. These things do happen.
Thanks Magdlyn
 

Jake

New member
Let's be logical here. If she's in danger, she should call the cops. If she's able to tell you that she needs you, she can give you the address at that point.

You don't need to know in advance to be on hand to meet her in an emergency.



This might not be practical. It might also dampen her dates if she thinks you're waiting up for your quality time together. The same goes for trying to estimate how long she will be gone to the point you hold her to it. It may not work for her.





Has she asked you to change the way you date other people?
Thanks you got a point there, cheers
 

Jake

New member
Kinda wondering what's controlling to her? Just asking questions?
  • You asked if she could let you know the address if she goes to a guys place for the first time in case something goes wrong.
  • You asked if she could let you know roughly what time she would be home so you could stay up and hang out together.
She said no to both.

She doesn't want to let you know address if she goes over to someone's house. Date rape is a reality for people. At the same time... what would you be able to do? Let's be honest -- if there's problems like that 911 is the better call to make, not you. If smaller problems? She can tell you the address when she calls you.

She doesn't want stay up with you to hang out after a date. How about you make your own dates with her at separate times rather than same day?

That's all she has to do. "No, thank you. I prefer not to do that."

What's up with calling you names like "weird" and "controlling" just for asking? You aren't a mind reader. You have to ask to find out. So that part I found unnecessary. And why tell all the friends? They aren't in this dyad or live in this house. They don't get a vote in your shared agreements with your wife.

Every group of roomies has to figure out how to be and if they are going to be compatible for living together.

I'd leave notes on the fridge when I had roomies when I was a young adult. Now I do same or share digital calendars. Not because anyone controls me, but because I live with people. I can't act like I'm the only one who lives here. Other people need to sleep and have school or work the next day. To me? It's just basic roomie courtesy to let people know what to expect when. Then try to be quiet when going out/coming in and not slam doors and make a ruckus waking the household. Others who live here do same.

I guess you could ask her what would be roomie polite to her, and if she's gonna go in and out whenever... does that mean she takes the guest room or couch then? To avoid waking you up if you've already gone to bed and you share a bedroom?

Eventually if either one of you have a guest stay over... what then? Do you need to talk about having separate bedrooms? What your safer sex agreements are? Agreements for use of common rooms? Like people not walking around naked in common rooms -- put on clothes, a robe, PJs or something?

Maybe get some of that that sorted ahead of time?
Thank you GalaGirl
 

Jake

New member
Hello Jake,

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to ask her for those two things, but it could get unreasonable if you stopped asking and started demanding. You could explain to her that it is mainly for her safety that you ask, although there does seem to be a little jealousy or discomfort at work here too. But she is responsible for her own safety, if she does not want to take the precaution of telling you where she will be and for how long, that is kind of her right and privilege. And maybe she is the one being unreasonable, but as it is her safety (not yours) that is at stake, she should be the one to be able to make that call.

Evie gave the link for detangling.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Thanks, another good point, I hadn't quite thought of it that way
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's OK for us to disagree here, just like your wife and her friends are allowed their opinions. It's OK to be worried about your wife when she starts dating. Your feelings are your feelings. Of course, the risk of something going badly is quite low, if you trust that she's making good choices in dating partners. So try to keep your anxiety in control, if she refuses to give you any information about where she will be.

Just take in everyone's opinions and see where you fall on the spectrum of information sharing. Ultimately, the decision will be made between you and your wife. Hopefully you'll both do active listening and not resort to name calling. There is a spectrum between normal concern and being "controlling." It's not black and white.

I do agree that she may not want you to wait up for her and spend time with you right after a date with someone else. I find I like a few hours to myself, if possible, between being with one or the other of my two partners. Sometimes I need a little "me time" to decompress and be ready to focus on the next person. If I have had sex I definitely want to clean up/shower before being intimate with the other person too.

As for how she doesn't need to let you know where she will be, because she can simply call 911 if something goes wrong, well, what if things go so badly that she can't get to her phone and call? What if her phone runs out of charge? Etc. If Jake knows the address of where she'll be, and maybe the date partner's phone number, and the approximate time she's expected home, he'll know something might be wrong even if she can't call the police. And if she's very late, and not answering her phone, if Jake decides to call the police, he will know where to tell them to go check on her, or he can go check on her himself. Call me paranoid, but since I have been sexually assaulted more than once, I personally like that kind of insurance. Being raped traumatizes a person for years.

A lot of info online will suggest that even mono women who are going on a first or second date let a friend know where they will be, and the full name of the person/guy they are going to be with. It just seems like common sense to me. Another piece of advice is to always meet a new person in public on a first date, don't just go to his house. I personally tend to meet in public, getting there by my own car, and keep the date fairly short (2 hours or so). Then I will meet him in public for the 2nd date too, but if he seems really awesome and trustworthy on that date, and I have more time free, I will invite him back to my place.
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
When she was single & dating (before she met you, for example), how did she handle date safety?

When you were single & dating (before you met your wife), would you always be able to predict exactly what time you'd be home?
 
Top