Am I in the wrong?

MermaidPrincess

New member
So.... this is my first truly poly relationship, and we're still figuring things out... a little background:

I met boyfriend on Whisper and we hit it off really well, halfway through our first date he told me about Girlfriend. No worries. Don't really care. Girlfriend is currently living in a different state with plans to move closer to me and Boyfriend. Girlfriend only wants me and Boyfriend to be "playmates" until she gets to know me more and moves up here (she's very nervous about all of this since its her first poly relationship too. At first she straight up said no after telling Boyfriend he could find someone to add to the relationship.)

Girlfriend and I both like calling Boyfriend "Daddy." Today we were casually talking about dynamics (boyfriend was a dumbass and I asked if he really was the dom. XD) And I had said I could be Girlfriend's Mommy. Boyfriend said I could be the mommy, he could be the daddy, and Girlfriend could be our baby girl. And I had said "Boyfriend can be my daddy too!!"

To which Girlfriend said "yeah no. That'll be one of our rules if this works out. Only I can call him daddy." I said how that wasn't fair. Boyfriend messaged me separately and explained that she's possessive of the pet name. She said in group chat that "it's just our thing. It's how we bonded." I reiterated how it was unfair to me as it made it seem like I was extremely conditional. And how I would never ask either of them to not call each other something....

I get that it's "their thing"... and I get that I'm entering into an already established relationship and things are tense right now between me and Girlfriend since she's so far away. I understand, I've been in her shoes before. But to put conditionals on something like a pet name just seems so unfair to me.... Am I wrong? Am I wrong for getting upset about it? I conceded, at least for now. With the caveat that we need to come back to this conversation once things are more established. I'm just very concerned as I actually do enjoy Girlfriend. I don't want there to be unneeded tension between us over a stupid name....
 
Sounds like you're going to have a lot of hard work on your hands if you keep pursuing this. And I wouldn't hold up any hopes for her relenting.
 
At first I don't want there to be unneeded tension between us over a stupid name....

IS it just a stupid pet name though? Seems like there is more (a D/s DDLG dynamic) going on here and that she is concerned about her role being usurped. It is not unusual for folks in D/s dynamics (aside from scene-only play) to have a hard time with someone else filling the same “role” that was once reserved for them. Would also explain why she wants to think of you as just “playmates” for now — sounds like she is okay with you filling her role when she isn’t around, but is insecure about you both maintaining that role if you are in the same place at the same time.

Frankly, I would consider carefully how attached to this dynamic/name you are. Is there room for you to have a different D/s (not DDLG) dynamic with him? Is it possible for your relationship to be mostly vanilla with occasional sceneplay? Do you enjoy switching? Maybe you could experiment with being more dominant yourself?

I have a partner who is submissive to me in a 24/7 lifestyle kind of way. Figuring out a healthy non-mono dynamic has been very difficult for us. But one thing that I know I don’t want is to have a similar dynamic with anyone else. I can top someone else in the bedroom. I can choose to indulge my submissive side with someone else. But I am pretty certain I would never be able to be a 24/7 dominant to another partner unless my current partner and I broke up.

There are folks all over the spectrum, but from the other experienced polyamorists in D/s relationships, I have learned that it isn’t not uncommon to agree that — for the duration of their dynamic and relationship — neither of them will seek the same type of dynamic from anyone’s else, and that if such another connection develops naturally it is considered cause for discussion and mutual re-negotiation (including possible termination) of the couple’s dynamic and/or relationship.
 
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I'm fine with being a switch. Being her mommy since she is 100% sub. But I also lean heavily toward sub. So to not be able to be his sub would make the relationship pointless to continue pursuing. I've already compromised my want for a daddy, not just a dom, since he is just a dom who enjoys being called daddy..... So I feel like any more compromise from me would just be too much. I understand not wanting to relent the role you've been playing to another.... IDK I guess I'm just so much of a sharing person that not sharing what I have with another because that's what they want to makes no sense to me.....
 
I'm confused. Could you please be willing to clarify?

To which Girlfriend said "yeah no. That'll be one of our rules if this works out. Only I can call him daddy."

Rules: Have you all agreed you are practicing a primary-secondary model? And they get to make the rules and you just have to abide by them? Is this part of the power exchange? Or do you want a different open model? Or you want agreements made that ALL develop and come to agree on?

Names: Is this about just the pet name? If so... could she use "Daddy" and you use something else? Like "Daddy B" or whatever his first initial is? Or "Papa" or whatever.

I'd say bend on the name if it is just the name. Make up another cute one or adapt it. I mean, kids with two moms or two dads are gonna have to come up with slight variations. Because of divorces and things, mine have several grandparents. So they go with "Grandma A." or "Grandma B" and tack on the initial.

I'm fine with being a switch. Being her mommy since she is 100% sub. But I also lean heavily toward sub. So to not be able to be his sub would make the relationship pointless to continue pursuing. I've already compromised my want for a daddy, not just a dom, since he is just a dom who enjoys being called daddy.....

Is this about her thinking she has a say in what happens in the (you + him) dyad? She's not in that dyad. It's not her business.

If she's getting too intrusive in HOW you and hinge want to share sex? That's might have to be talked out. That NO. She would not want YOU being intrusive in the (him + her) dyad, right? So same the other way around.

If this is an agreement HE made with her? Like he promised her that he wouldn't do daddy/little girl stuff with anyone but her? That is HIS promise. And he could honor his agreements. And HE would be telling you "No, I cannot do that. I have agreements with my other partner I have to honor." Then it's not her intruding, but him telling you where HIS limitations lie.

Some "sloppy hinges" blame it on the other partner like "So and so says I can't do that" when really it is THEM that doesn't want to do that and they could say "I choose not to do that." Is any of that going on here?

You might hold off on doing any scenes with her or being her Mommy. That adds a whole other layer. And you just met him from the sound of it and are trying to figure out how to all get along just on the poly layer.

Slow down and deal with one thing at a time. That would be my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
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I don't get it... I'm suddenly feeling dumb or old fashioned or something.

May I ask:
whats the deal with both women calling him daddy? is he much older, or a sugar daddy or what? How does that relate to him being a dom? unless he is much older and/or richer? Why does she feel concerned that only she should be able to call him "daddy"?
 
I don't get it... I'm suddenly feeling dumb or old fashioned or something.

May I ask:
whats the deal with both women calling him daddy? is he much older, or a sugar daddy or what? How does that relate to him being a dom? unless he is much older and/or richer? Why does she feel concerned that only she should be able to call him "daddy"?

DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl)-- or for that matter, Mommy Domme/little boy, or any other gender variation--is a very specific type of D/s dynamic. In it, often, the Dominant type essentially takes a parental role over the submissive type. Not in a creepy, incestuous way (though some people enjoy that kind of roleplay as well), but in the sense of "I'm your Daddy, I'm going to protect and take care of you, but I'm going to give you rules and punishments if you break them." Like a parent might. In some DD/lg relationships, there's a sexual component; in others, there isn't.

This can become a very deep emotional entanglement. The "little" can be very reliant on their "Big," especially within the context of the relationship. (A "little" might be an extremely mature, competent, high-powered adult outside of the relationship, but *in* the relationship, they are dependent and need that care and protection from their "Big.") And just as a real child might fear losing their parent if their parents have another child or pay a lot of attention to an unrelated child, a "little" might fear losing their "Big" if another little comes on the scene.

It can also be a deeply personal relationship, with routines and rituals that are unique between the Big and little. And it's difficult to share those types of routines and rituals.

If the OP's situation is becoming a case where there's a DD/lg dynamic between her partner and his other partner, and one is developing between her partner and her, I can definitely see why the girlfriend would be upset and wouldn't want to share that place. And I can see why for the girlfriend, the term "Daddy" would have such a close association with their dynamic that she wouldn't be willing to share that either.

While it definitely isn't up to anyone to control someone else's other relationships, in my opinion, when there's any type of D/s dynamic at play, a bit more care needs to be taken to protect the dynamics and emotions of *everyone* involved in the polycule. And, in my opinion, in a D/s dynamic it *is* reasonable for there to be something unique to that relationship that isn't shared in any other relationships.

My boyfriend, who's nominally my Dom (we're negotiating whether that part of our relationship is continuing, changing a bit, or ending), and I have a specific routine as part of our dynamic, something I do for him in a submissive role. We've agreed that is something just between us, that neither of us will share it with any other partners, even in another D/s relationship. As his girlfriend, if there's something just between us that he then chose to share with another partner, I'd be hurt and unhappy, but I would deal with it. But as his sub, if he chose to share that specific D/s thing with someone else, I would be very upset and feel like I'm being replaced.

In a relationship, the people involved "belong together," for want of better phrasing. In a D/s dynamic, the s-type might be said to belong *to* the D-type. That's a responsibility not to be taken lightly, and can require more consideration than a non-D/s relationship.
 
My view is that it is none of her business what you call him. He is sharing too much info. It may work out, but I wouldn't invest too much emotionally.
 
I don't have a ton of experience on this one but i thought i'd pitch in. Josie and I are in a similar dynamic although we're both switches and enjoy switching roles. When i'm domme, i go by mummy, when she is she goes by my queen. And when i'm in sub space i go by kitten, and she goes by baby girl/mummy's girl (although she doesn't quite identity with the pet name as strongly as i do with mine)

Now, if i'm being honest, I really love being sub, i may be a switch by i lean heavily towards it. it just goes with my personality as i'm quite a cute and happy person. My nickname just sits really well with me and it really is something i highly identify with. As I said above, Josie isn't really that into the nickname thing, she more enjoys just bottoming and being subby during sex, where as the dynamic of me being sub goes a bit further than the bedroom.

So when it comes to someone else joining our dynamic, i am more than happy to have someone else be subby with me as we both serve Josie, but would not be comfortable at all them having the same name or exact same role as me. By the sounds of it, you like the dynamic and enjoy a ddlg (or some dynamic like that) in a relationship, but it isn't something which is quite as important as it is to girlfriend. Like i said, i very much identify with my nickname, and although i'd be fine having Ash (who we are slowly trying to introduce to our dynamic) call josie by her domme name, i would hate to have her be called kitten as that is mine.

Just now with Ash, we are figuring out what our boundaries are and how much we're comfortable with. Josie and Ash don't really have a sexual relationship yet as it takes Josie awhile to be comfortable enough to have sex with someone so we're putting that to the background just now. But with Ash and I, we are very much trying to figure out if we have have a dynamic like that. I've let a few 'yes miss' out when we've been in a scene and she's seemed to like that, and she's just sort if adapted good girl as my nickname for in a scene which i'm happy with, but i imagine that might change once Josie gets involved in that dynamic too, but only time will tell. She's also a switch, so we need to figure out exactly what names we're all comfortable with.

Honestly, i think you all need to have a talk about it. Explain what your thoughts on it are, and ask for their boundaries and what they're both comfortable with. The compromise does seem to be just using another name like papa or dad, or something which means the same but doesn't take away from girlfriend's titles and dynamic.
 
Hello MermaidPrincess,

It seems that the crucial question here is, does Girlfriend just not want you to use the same nickname (Daddy) for Boyfriend, or, does Girlfriend not want you to have any kind of DD/lg dynamic with him? If it's just a nomenclature issue, it should be easy to fix by her using "Daddy" and you using "Papa." Would that be okay with you, would that be an acceptable solution? Maybe the three of you can sit down together and work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

P.S. Re (from SEASONEDpolyAgain):
"This thread is related to your issue"

The URL (Uniform Resource Locator) given in that quote is broken; instead of http://http//www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107721 it should be http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107721

Here's the same quote with the corrected URL: "This thread is related to your issue."
 
The dom/sub relationship thing is strange lol - don't get me wrong though, whatever floats someone's boat its all good as far I'm concerned.

Regards to bondage, I remember being with a woman who was heavily into this stuff. She tied me up, literally she could have killed me right there if she wanted - no joke at all. I just wanted to turn her on but she could see that my hands were turning purple while I was there with the impression of just keep going babe fucking do it you absolute utter slacker...

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be the best bondage guy ever if I was into that sort of thing.

A few years ago I used to work with a guy who was an extreme "dom" who used to tell me how other dom men were basically slackers in that department. Then it turned out a few years later he got convicted for "abusing" barely legal girls.

The thing is though, that girl (I think she was 24ish) I mentioned above. she proper, utter and totally loved EXTREME rough sex. Honestly, if she was a man she'd get sent to prison. She almost broke my penis - no joke even slightly.
 
The dom/sub relationship thing is strange lol - don't get me wrong though, whatever floats someone's boat its all good as far I'm concerned.

Regards to bondage, I remember being with a woman who was heavily into this stuff. She tied me up, literally she could have killed me right there if she wanted - no joke at all. I just wanted to turn her on but she could see that my hands were turning purple while I was there with the impression of just keep going babe fucking do it you absolute utter slacker...

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be the best bondage guy ever if I was into that sort of thing.

A few years ago I used to work with a guy who was an extreme "dom" who used to tell me how other dom men were basically slackers in that department. Then it turned out a few years later he got convicted for "abusing" barely legal girls.

The thing is though, that girl (I think she was 24ish) I mentioned above. she proper, utter and totally loved EXTREME rough sex. Honestly, if she was a man she'd get sent to prison. She almost broke my penis - no joke even slightly.

Hands turning purple isn't necessarily an immediate issue... but having a bottom who actually understands what is something that needs an immediate fix and what is not is very important. Just being willing to go along isn't great if that means you're going to have nerve damage or some such.

Everyone's kinks are different. There's no prize for being the most extreme, and definitely no one should be put down for liking a different style of BDSM. I would assume anyone doing that probably has no idea of what they're talking about and is very likely an unsafe player.

Doesn't matter how rough you are, though- what matters is informed and enthusiastic consent on both sides. Gender of the Top shouldn't matter as long as they actually discuss what they want to do with their partner in advance. If you're just going to do "stuff" with people, especially more vulnerable people (i.e. barely legal girls), that isn't anything even close to consensual BDSM. Frankly, BDSM gets a bad rap from people who act like they know what they are doing but actually have no idea whatsoever.
 
So, the only explanation I got was that it was just how they bonded. It was just their thing. No promises made or anything she's just really possessive of the name (she's not even a little, just likes using that petname....). She's since conceded to letting me use the name as well. As for the 'rules, nothing has been set in stone yet and this was the first time it had been mentioned. Everything right now is basically a trial run to see if SHE is okay with it all. But y'alls other comments have me worried now...

She doesn't even want us kissing. Just cuddling and hugging. I understand that this is because she hasn't met me in person yet (which will happen at the end of January and we're all really excited). She also gets jealous easily (which I also understand, I'm the same way.) I'm hoping things will calm down and smooth out once she meets me in person in January and we get to spend some face to face time together.....

I still feel like an ass for getting angry though. And it does irk me that everything is based on her say, her comfort. Regardless of what I want. I get that I'm entering a dyad that is already established but.... shouldn't I have some say as well??? Or is it just too early for that?
 
I just wanted to turn her on but she could see that my hands were turning purple while I was there with the impression of just keep going babe fucking do it you absolute utter slacker...

This is really, really, really bad BDSM practice. Your partner clearly was not informed about the essential nature of communication before-hand and consent. You two were playing around, courting danger, and yes, you were engaging in bondage, but this scenario would not be condoned by any BDSM community.
 
Everything right now is basically a trial run to see if SHE is okay with it all. But y'alls other comments have me worried now...

I get that I'm entering a dyad that is already established but.... shouldn't I have some say as well??? Or is it just too early for that?

You aren’t entering their relationship. You’re creating a relationship with him and/or one with her, and/or one that includes all three of you. You are a whole person and should have agency in all of the relationships that directly involve you.

You might want to read Secondaries’ Bill of Rights as well as the rest of that page. The entire morethantwo.com site is recommended, especially for poly newbies.

That Girlfriend has been wishy-washy about an original plan to “add someone to the relationship” pings on the concepts of the “joyful yes” that you want from all parties involved (she isn’t expressing a joyful yes), and the controversial and problematic habits of Unicorn Hunters (Google and/or search in the forums). You might also search up the term Couple Privilege.

Bottom line: Just because they’re the existing dyad doesn’t mean you have to squish into the role they are defining for you. If this is going to be good for all of you, you’ll all need to do some reading and a lot of communicating, and have an intention of caring about the needs of everyone involved.

It’s rare that a unicorn hunt ends in a stable triad. It is essential to find out if other relationship shapes are on the table. If not, then my humble opinion is that this is not the Boyfriend or couple to start your poly journey with.
 
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You have to decide what you want to be.

Are you his kink playmate? You guys to scenes together? Ok, leave it at that. And do NOT scene with the GF like being her mommy. Adds too many layers too soon.

Are you his kink playmate AND maybe also becoming his local GF in some kind of a V where the other GF is LDR? Then work to become that.

Are you guys trying to be a triad when you haven't even met her and none have done poly before? Too fast, and a bit odd to jump to one of the hardest models as the first thing to try. A triad is like 3 v's stacked up together because you are ALL hinges and ALL each others metas.

It's ok to slow your roll here.

She doesn't even want us kissing. Just cuddling and hugging. I understand that this is because she hasn't met me in person yet (which will happen at the end of January and we're all really excited). She also gets jealous easily (which I also understand, I'm the same way.) I'm hoping things will calm down and smooth out once she meets me in person in January and we get to spend some face to face time together.....

1) She is the boss of his body? When did he make her the boss?

2) She doesn't want him kissing you at all? Or she doesn't want to hear TMI details? Or she doesn't want to watch you guys making out in front of her? That's 3 different things.

3) Is she telling you all this stuff? Or is she telling him and then he tells you?

If he's telling you? Tell him to stop and let her use her own voice so nothing gets "lost in translation." It also prevents triangulation.

Tell her to please talk to you directly so she can use her own voice so nothing gets "lost in translation." It also prevents triangulation.

This is challenging enough without communication issues.

4) If he's made agreements with her first? He could honor agreements in order. Like if he agreed no kissing with her? (whether a reasonable agreement or not). Then HE could say "No, I cannot kiss you. I made an agreement with my other partner I want to honor. I only kiss her." He could own it.

Rather than say things like "I can't kiss you cuz my other partner doesn't like it." That's passing the buck to me.

So watch and see what sort of hinge he is/will be.

I still feel like an ass for getting angry though. And it does irk me that everything is based on her say, her comfort. Regardless of what I want. I get that I'm entering a dyad that is already established but.... shouldn't I have some say as well??? Or is it just too early for that?

Not too early.

Is it too early to talk to the salesman about the car's features when you are buying the car? Is it too early to take a tour of the house before you buy the house? Is it too early to talk out what YOU want from a V before you become a member of the V? You don't have to be pushy or a jerk about it. But you DO have to put your cards on the negotiation table. Speak up for what it is you hope for and want from a V situation with these people.

A lot of people frame it like "adding a third" because it's the easiest to imagine.

Emotionally? I think it is more like "the previous couple BREAKS UP ON PURPOSE. In order to create this NEW model as a trio."

And of course you have a voice as a potential member of that new model! You are negotiating with two potentials to form a V with him as the hinge from the sound of it. So speak up for the kind of V and open model you want to practice. If either one cannot hack the honesty? Oh, well. Not compatible.

Keep in mind the other two may be grieving the loss of the old model and not know that. So it could come out weird -- like wanting to cling to old nicknames or whatever. It's not an excuse for poor behavior, but something to watch out for. When you "interview" them you could ask what grief work they have done or plan to do since this is their first poly and they have essentially broken up in order to form a new model. You might get some surprised looks.

The old model is gone. (Whether recognized consciously or not.) The new model isn't fully "here" yet. The transition time is just gonna feel WEIRD. To everyone.

I suggest you be polite and kind about either of them possibly experiencing grief, but at the same time? Don't acquiesce SO much that you shrink yourself. You have a voice at the table. You are free to say what you think and what you would like from the experience in negotiations. So participate NOW and help create that Poly V thing you would be happy to participate in later.

If it isn't a match, it just isn't. Nobody's fault if negotiations are not fruitful. Not everyone one tries to date will be compatible for that or even be a runner.

But def don't "shrink" yourself just because she's feeling things.

And don't down talk yourself because you are gonna feel things too. It's ok to be angry if right now everyone is pussyfooting around her/coddling her. WHY is that happening? Are you mad because YOU are coddling her? Don't be mean, but stop coddling so you don't have to be mad.

If she really doesn't want to be doing this? YOU can say "I'm bowing out. You don't seem comfortable with this." And then YOU don't have to deal with this stuff. Maybe they are trying to Open too fast and underprepared. That's their issue -- not yours.

If it helps as a visual aid, here are links for the stages of emotional change. You can google "stages of emotional change" for more.

You are all in this journey. But you are not all experiencing it the same way.

http://finding-marbles.com/2011/08/14/7-stages-of-emotional-dynamics-during-change/

https://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transprac.htm

Perhaps it helps to know that?

Perhaps she's struggling with the loss of "first dibs." When there's a couple, the assumption is that the partner has "first dibs" on everything.

Perhaps she's struggling with LDR and envies you two are local to each other.

Maybe you all want to read poly hell in case anyone is feeling the start those things and be able to adsress and perhaps nip it in the bud?

More to read:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

https://www.morethantwo.com/

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/


And these....

How to Fuck it up (poly or mono) http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/elise.shtml

How to Screw Up Your Relationship
(and make everyone miserable while you’re at it)
https://www.morethantwo.com/making_relationships_suck.pdf

If you find you have done more work to prepare than they have? And they are bogged down with "we are gonna break up to do this" grief? There's nothing wrong with you suggesting tabling the issue. Like "I don't think everyone is ready to go there yet. How about giving it more time to learn, read, acclimate, and we talk again in X months?" Then back off and let them get it together. Or not.

Spares YOU excess drama either way.

Galagirl
 
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I posted a thread from a position similar to Girlfriend. I'll find it and try to link it here.
I remember the thread may have gotten away from me and my OP, but there is stuff to glean from it that might help with perspective.
At the end of the day I realized that it was on me to confront and adjust.
It was on Daddy to be kind and patient when I am struggling- what else are Daddies for? :p

Also, as this is a first poly relationship for some of you, maybe being quite so honest about sexual dynamics isn't a great plan for now.
For me, I have found that unless my partners' sex involves me directly there is very little I need to know about it. This isn't the case for everyone, it is something I learned about myself through trial and error of course.
 
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107721&highlight=bathedinsalt

it's titled "kinky, poly and trouble sharing"

I'd also like to mention that for me sharing Daddy has very little with the actual words being used. So, a solution like using different words won't work and ( this is my theory) on top of that if it's kinked in there then calling out Papa isn't going to have the same effect on you or your partner ( however that works for you) as calling Daddy...at least not until that gets cemented in your kinky brain.

Also, prescribing roles at the start of any relationship is problematic. I can see all types of traps in that. It may feel helpful at the start, but as your relationships develop things will change and people may get hurt when the dynamic turns out to be something entirely different that what was agreed upon at the start.
I speak from personal experience here. I haven't written much about my kinky life here, but would be happy to share privately.
 
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