Ari's Blog - Beginning

Well my dear I hope all is well in Ari's world today, and all of your insecurities have been banished. And SJ is right...you have been a great shoulder to cry on for many on here when needed, I hope you received the same kind of friendly support. Sometimes venting is all we need to get the negative energy out. You are pretty in tune with what makes you tick. Whatever it was that made you back up into your shell, I hope it has been exposed and dealt with and is no longer a fear. You never know what is going to trip that wire...the insecurity or jealousy or self-doubt wire that is. Best of luck. Hello to Pen and SJ. Hope you are all cuddled up somewhere. It is very cold here in PA, I can only imagine what it is like further North!
 
Thanks guys. We we made some amazing headway very quickly Friday night. We connected well and beat the crap out of that dragon quite effectively.

Thanks TP, for the record, she helped bang my head against the wall to work through some of my thoughts. :) I owe ya a beer ;)

My challenge in communication comes with lovers because of the self appointed role I take. It can be summed up in the ability to be stoic. A little history of what I mean. It took me 10 years before I could mourn my father dying. I protect those that mean most to me, from knowing my true "dark" feelings. Whether it be stress, working through Pengrahs illness, death (thats a whole other topic for the record, death is an odd thing for me), work. These are things I take, and hold on to and protect those that I love from needing to know. In essence trying to fluff up the reality by creating a fantasy

Now comes the slapping, in that effort I am writing the script of the relationship I am protecting. I am no longer giving the option to my partner(s) to make decisions or emotional assessments. This is just something I have become accustomed to doing and is ingrained, probably since the age of 14.

Thats the gist of my communication breakdown. We have some steps in place that should hopefully help me break through this wall.
Some immediate things I am trying

1 - I need to be completely honest with myself as to the root of the problem or emotion. I can usually feel myself turtling, so I need to write down what I am turtling.
2 - I need my partners to pull a bit. This throws it in my face that I am turtling. Sometimes I really don't know, and sometimes I am just scared.
3 - Hopefully the combination of the two will stop me from getting into my amazing ability to spiral.
4 - this helped me the most, honestly. I have NO right to write the script for the entirety of my relationships. The second I am turtling and writing that script, I have to recognize that and include the other actors. This for me will be the biggest head slap. It hit me close to home and helps me process why I am doing it.

This was a tough week of self realization for me. Luckily I have two amazingly patient and thoughtful women to help me break through some of these barriers, I didn't even know existed. This down moment ended with one of the best weekends I have had and amazing time with SJ. Its amazing how the rough spots can really be like mini trampolines ;)

Ari
 
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It is very cold here in PA, I can only imagine what it is like further North!
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My take - It was a gorgeous weekend in vancouver. Sunday was clear and gorgeous. A perfect fall weekend as far as Vancouver goes.
Sj's take - it was wet...

:)...luckily the room had HVAC and it didn't rain in the room. :p (luv ya sj)
 
redpepper said:
It takes a lot for me to trust because of the negative experiences I have had with my parents where it was not safe to communicate and when I did, because they asked me too, I was reprimanded for saying stuff that was not their opinion or was made to be convinced out of my opinion.
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ok SJ and Pengrah will get a kick out of this.

I think mine is partially rooted in my need to be left alone sometimes. My parents studying phsyc and sociology made having emotions as a teenager brutally difficult for an introspective kid. My parents were inherent fixers. Everytime I had an emotion or outburst or anything, they sat me down and analyzed me, analyzed my tv, analyzed my music. It got to the point where having a cry about a girl breaking my heart would turn into 3 days of torture. Their need to fix everything that was wrong, and not actually leave me space to process, drove me batshit crazy.

I think that may well have been the start to me just ignoring some of my feelings. I didn't get slapped for having feelings, but I sure had to work hard when I felt sad. :)
 
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Ariakas said:
SJ and Pengrah will get a kick out of this.
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lol Writing a script and trying to fix things that weren`t broken, as we have said, can have some funky ripple effects. :p

Ariakas said:
I think mine is partially rooted in my need to be left alone sometimes. My parents studying phsyc and sociology made having emotions as a teenager brutally difficult for an introspective kid. My parents were inherent fixers. Everytime I had an emotion or outburst or anything, they sat me down and analyzed me, analyzed my tv, analyzed my music. It got to the point where having a cry about a girl breaking my heart would turn into 3 days of torture. Their need to fix everything that was wrong, and not actually leave me space to process, drove me batshit crazy.
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Ditto, but for different reasons. I'm a fan of the KISS method.

Ariakas said:
I think that may well have been the start to me just ignoring some of my feelings. I didn't get slapped for having feelings, but I sure had to work hard when I felt sad. :)
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We all have our reasons when we turtle or hide. I know when I pull back, it`s usually because I have lost patience (which takes awhile), or my blunt tongue will border on being mean. Best for me to go off for awhile, until I can bother to play nice in the sandbox again.

A lot of things are also habitual... I know that. :) You and Pengrah have your groove carved from a very long-term, loving relationship. This is all just part of the process of being with someone different. :)

As for the weather, I missed a balmy weekend... Don`t hate. :p

:cool: <-- I got to wear those for a whole 4 hours, which was lovely, but I don`t think it quite qualifies as clear skies. More like, the sun beats the clouds back just enough to peek through. FTR, I was kinda hoping for traditional rainy Vancouver weather, anyhow. ;)

'Ya dun good, handsome.' Don`t beat yourself up too much. You`re a good man.

XO
 
Finding out aspects of myself that I have a lot of difficulties with. This, as always, is becoming more about self evolution than anything else.

I am a fixer, its the easiest way to start it. I see something not right, I want to figure out why and attack it. This is how I do well at work and in general, in life. But I have run into more situations in the last year a bit that don't work with this mentality. I see something broken, can't fix it and I panic. I am not sure when or how I got like this, but its how I work.

Where this gets me into trouble is if I can't fix it. I take a hit to my self-esteem. I feel like I haven't done the right thing to make things work. At work, if something fails (I work in IT) it is my fault. Its an industry of blame not reward. It might be why it is so natural for me. I anticipate problems, I find solutions within budget and fix them hopefully before they break. This doesn't lend itself well in relationships. Computers don't think or feel...people do.

In the case of Pengrah, I anticipate things before they happen, protect her. But is this good for people. Protecting people only lends itself to that person not learning.

Not to mention its almost selfish, I am protecting myself from the heartache of dealing with whatever the result would be from the challenge being faced. I would rather shoulder the brunt of the force instead of feel the future hurt. The one time I gave up that control, she ended up hurt. It has been worth it, taught her some important poly lessons. But it still sucked to watch and not be able to do anything.

Lastly, its also a control thing. I am trying to write the script for both sides, trying to fix something that may not be broken, or may need to happen. My panic sets in and I just want to fight. Thats how I have learned through the years to deal with stress. Knowing I am trying. Stress of not knowing...I need to find myself some new coping skills.

Ironically, this is coming up at work. Things out of my control, the politics of work changing...work has gone from fun, too stressful. Its been slowly building but things are a changing here. So its just an interesting way to look at the reasons I can become very stressed.

Ari
 
I am giggling a little because 2Rings and I just had this conversation. He wants to fix EVERYTHING. Be the hero. But sometimes you just gotta let the chips fall. Sometimes you just need to hear me bitch and moan and work through it myself. I talk to myself out loud when I am figuring something out, doesn't mean I want you to answer me! :p Sometimes I just want to be held while I sob and complain. That is fixing it enough. Know what I mean?;)

As far as work...politics is everywhere. Fixing it when it will fall on your lap is beneficial. Letting shit happen when it needs to and the air needs cleared also can be beneficial. Your talent is that you are tenacious and willing. Just play your cards close to your chest at work and make the moves most beneficial to you. You can not fix everyone and not everyone deserves your efforts and willingness to take responsibility. :)
 
^^ What the smart lady said.

Add in all the stuff I said about capes, and chins, and mach-2 :p

and the well meaning 'chill the fuck out.' :D
 
I posted this in another forum. I wanted to bring it over here for those people who may be in LDR's. This was directed at a woman in an LDR, which is why it is gendered.

Figure out what you need vs what they need. Communication is one thing, but do you want to see them? Come up with plans that make the relationship feel as normal as possible. Date nights etc. Whatever you can do to normalize and make the distance feel not so great, you need to try and do.

Try and make regular plans to visit, either direction. The attempts to visit and see each other allow you a chance to reconnect. Physically emotionally whatever it is that is needed. Knowing you will see them can get you through rough spots.

There are cute things that may help. Sending clips, pictures, inclusion in life in general is a big one. Seeing whats going on when you aren't around can help mitigate the missing of oyu. Little things that help me forget distance, I commonly look at pictures or re-read emails to try and feel at peace with the distance. We also spend a lot of time talking day to day. Morning walk in, she usually walks me, I get to chat with her daily online if time permits. All of these things help me.

In the end it takes both sides willing to put the work in. Communication in any form helps. Mitigating any challenges that create distance is important. If you push people away when things get tough, thats going to be more painful in an LDR. You don't have that physical space to make up or bring things back together. The last thing an LDR needs is more distancing.

You might want to learn

1 - what his communication style is
2 - his "love" type
3 - how those to work together

If you can understand the why and where he is coming from (and visa versa) it will help with your ability to communicate effectively.

Remember not everyone is created equally. Your need to see him may not be the same as his need. You have to be sure to communicate what you each need to maintain that bond over distance. Compromise and meeting in the middle may be the best options. Understanding what each of you NEED will really help.
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Due to a series of critical mistakes, my poly relationship is over. When I wrap my head around the breakup...I will post...None of these had anything to do with distance, that would be easy...

Right now, I am shaking, sad...I have a lot of work coming up with some personal growth that I need to focus on. But my poly world is rocked. I am not sure I can give my heart to someone again
 
Ariakas said:
Due to a series of critical mistakes, my poly relationship is over. When I wrap my head around the breakup...I will post...None of these had anything to do with distance, that would be easy...

Right now, I am shaking, sad...I have a lot of work coming up with some personal growth that I need to focus on. But my poly world is rocked. I am not sure I can give my heart to someone again
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So sorry to hear this my friend. Feel free to call on me anytime. Take care and keep in touch :(
 
Oh, Ariakas. You come across as a very loving and giving person on this forum, and I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. Remember, the heart is resilient, and love knows no bounds. You will heal and make it through and let love in again. Allow time and space to just be with whatever's going on, and always be kind to yourself.

((((HUGS))))
 
nycindie said:
Oh, Ariakas. You come across as a very loving and giving person on this forum, and I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. Remember, the heart is resilient, and love knows no bounds. You will heal and make it through and let love in again. Allow time and space to just be with whatever's going on, and always be kind to yourself.

((((HUGS))))
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Smart lady, here.
 
I just texted you Ari. You know we are here if you feel you need support. I know you are a private person so just know, at the very least that I am thinking of you, sourgirl and pengraph.
 
Wow, look at the responses now. ;)

Yes, you will love again. You are a great man, don`t beat yourself up. It didn`t work between us,..no,..:(

You know my feelings on love and life,...you have a network of people here who love your posts and contributions, they will help you through.

You have my forever friendship. You know that.

I always promised I would leave here if we broke up,..you deserve to have a place to post, and vent without wondering if I am seeing things and being offended or what-not. You`ve never asked me to leave, but I think it`s the right thing to do.

Love always,...-SG
 
redpepper said:
I just texted you Ari. You know we are here if you feel you need support. I know you are a private person so just know, at the very least that I am thinking of you, sourgirl and pengraph.
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It didn't come through. Thanks for the thoughts everyone...I am a lot devestated right now. I can't see how this will work out for me.

ari
 
I'm so sorry, Ari... I'm in a similar situation (well, Ragabash is). You've got all of my support.

*Hugs*
 
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