Casual Sex - Discussion

[Magdlyn]

So Magdlyn. what is the issue then, if you are good to go, then why the disappointment in them saying that you and they are not allowed to fall in love? It sounds like its the furthest thing from your mind anyway. Shouldn't you be all good to go? Rverything on board, no fear of being hurt and misunderstood. Fill your boots. What does it matter if you aren't into them emotionally anyway?

OK, RP, you'd help me more if you could calm down and stop jumping to conclusions based quite so much on your own experiences. I appreciate you sharing where you, specifically, come from (or your friend below), but, there are infinite sexualities and ways of approaching desire and emotions, even within a poly or non-mono context.

I did not say I wasn't into this couple emotionally. It is too soon to tell either way. In fact, I've only briefly chatted with each of them, about an hour total each. It's too soon to tell if I will feel warm feelings for them. So far they seem intelligent, and the man is funny and charming, as far as I can tell. The woman seemed more reserved and cautious, as women often do. They both seem to have very strong libidos and stamina, as I do, which is necessary for me to consider someone as a partner.

There are several factors at work here. I am pansexual, and was in a straight, mostly vanilla marriage for a long long LONGASS time. I am eager simply to experience playing with a cis-gendered woman's body (besides my own). However, I have not overtly pursued women on okc. I was wondering why out loud to my gf the other night. Maybe she fulfills my desire for women quite a bit, even though her genitalia don't match the gender in her head. Then again, women I have approached, and even those who have messaged me, so often bail on our conversations once actually meeting seems imminent.

So... when an eager offer came this way for me, of course I was interested. This couple told me they have been unsatisfied with the unicorns they have found lately. Most have been "crazy," or "passively bi" and unwilling or unable to return oral pleasure to the woman. I like to think I am the opposite on both counts.

All that being said, I haven't heard from either of them in a couple days, so I just send a PM to the man to see if they've lost interest. Maybe I scared them off by daring to bring up the subject of emotions and the L-word. I hope not. They both seemed to want at least friendship.

I'm not sure what you mean by the age thing, Derby. It was a long lull that lead me to where I am now with sex. I was a slutty whore in my earlier years. Magdlyn seems to be the opposite.

I had 10 sex partners before I met my ex-h at age 19, and 2 love affairs. I would never call myself a slutty whore (except as dirty pillow talk). I was part of the sexual revolution of the early 70s: "if it feels good, do it," "make love, not war," "love the one you're with," and all that jazz. It suited me. (I'm genderqueer, remember, and a lot like a man in many ways.) Meeting my ex and jumping right into monogamy (at his request and against some of my better judgment) was perhaps a mistake for me, in hindsight. Now, I am just picking up where I left off at age 19. With a lifetime's worth of wisdom and evolving self knowledge on top.

And I am just a very horny girl. I like a lot of sex. One of the benefits of being poly, for me, is getting lots of sex. There, I said it. OKC gives me a way to meet intelligent, respectful, attractive people for dates, good conversation, laughs, and (hopefully) good sex.

I am not sure age has anything to do with it. I purposely waited to have a child so I could continue to sow my wild oats... even if I was married. I have a friend born on the same day and year as me. She is now on the dating scene as her kids are out of the house... she had them when she was in highschool. She is not anywhere near a slut and thinks like I do... quality, not quantity. Not even a balance of both. It makes it hard for her to date. She was raising kids during her years where she felt like being more loose. I think it's more personality and what life dishes out for you, what you pick too, than age and sluttiness.

Sorry for this hijack, maybe I should break this off into a new thread, if Magdlyn is in agreement?

Fine by me, and we already have a thread on casual sex. Maybe add more of your thoughts there?

 

[phoenix762]

For me, sex comes after the emotional connection. Otherwise, it just feels like I am being used.

I would agree...but that's just me. I can't even fathom having sex just for the sake of having sex. I can take care of that myself.

My sex drive is practically non-existent, so perhaps that's why?

 

[FitChick]

For me, sex comes after the emotional connection. Otherwise, it just feels like I am being used.

Agreed,if there is no emotional connection there,then the risk of being used as a plaything and discarded is too great for me personally...

 

[Magdlyn]

Ummm....Have you read my thread "on again, off again, on again"?

...
What I'm getting at is this: If you become involved in a relationship with them, you WILL eventually develop feelings of love for them....Even if one or both of them don't for you. Why? Because you are open to it....even if they are not.

T, I missed this post. Yes, of course I read your thread about the couple you and L were involved with. I posted on it many times, don't you remember?

It helped me a lot in my approach to how to proceed with this couple. And I take your point, that if I click with them well, and get into a thing with them, and it's good, I might develop feelings of love. But, there are all kinds of love. Even the woman, when I talked to her, said, "there are all kinds of love."

I've got no desire to have a serious triad with a couple, at this point. I am still in a new relationship with my gf, which takes a lot of my free time. I don't want to damage the relationship this couple has with each other, either.

Guidelines would need to be negotiated with them, boundaries set. They might be confused about what they want as they move from swinging to something more approaching polyamory.

 

[Breathesgirl]

There was a time when I could have sex just for the sake of having sex, to feel some sort of connection with someone, anyone, and any sort of connection. It didn't matter who it was as long as I could get sex out of the deal. Way back then, I did have more than one guy for sex... If I knew then what I know now I might just be further along in my poly journey than I currently am.

I have grown and matured since then. Even if I were to have casual sex (casual in this case defined as having no emotional connection and in it for nothing but the sex) now Breathes or Possibility would have to be there with me. I'm no longer comfortable having that type of sex with random people, especially by myself. As someone else said, I can take care of that myself if I get really desperate.

Sexual encounters are a dime a dozen (or can be if you're into that kind of thing). Emotional connections, though... actually take some sort of mental effort on your part. Doing something from a mental/intellectual standpoint can be very draining and exhilarating.

I've never actually thought about it before, so am thinking as I type this out.

When Breathes has sex with someone else it doesn't particularly bother me. I know he's safe about it. I know it's simply sex, a very base need that has been there since the dawn of life on this planet. Nearly every creature has this base need to procreate, and humans are no different.

Humans are different in that we don't use sex JUST to procreate, we use it for fun and stress relief, as well.

Having someone get intellectual with Breathes though, that might just shake me a little bit, especially if I wouldn't have the same type connection. Finding a possible third/fourth/couple who enjoys those deeply intellectual moments together is a really long shot, so I have a harder time accepting it for what it is, another type of connection which we share with each other and which would NEED to be shared with another in order for all of us to have any sort of working relationship, one that works for all of us on more than one level.

If I had to choose the type of connection I were to have with someone it would have to be an intellectual connection. I love to have my brain challenged by a good conversation. I can use vibrators and other things for some sort of sexual release, but it's very difficult, nearly impossible, to have a deeply intellectual conversation with yourself and have it be satisfying.

 

[TL4everu2]

Magdlyn, I remember you posted in my thread. I was being sarcastic. I don't communicate well (something my wife reminds me of all the time. LOL). And trying to communicate sarcasm on the internet is next to impossible. LOL (Hope I did it right this time.)

Anyway, it has been OUR experience, that when you set hard guidelines and boundaries, you are forever wanting to know what it would be like to do that specific thing that is off limits with the person in question. Basically, is the grass greener on the other side of the fence, is it the same as it is over here, or is it more brown?

L and I had a long-standing rule of no kissing on the lips with anyone other than each other, when we were living as "swingers." Then, when we realized that we wanted to be more than just casual "fuck mates," we dropped that rule. The whole time we were with S and D, we had our "no kissing" rule in play. After around 2 1/2 years, that rule became difficult. While difficult, it was adhered to. Did it get in the way? Maybe. Oddly enough, for us, the rule was not for the women, it was only for opposite sex. So if L (my wife) and D (S's wife) wanted to kiss, that was fine. And kiss they did. Oh, I wanted to kiss D too. But I never got to.

My point in THIS post, is that yes, the rules should be in place, however, be flexible enough, and OPEN enough, to discuss them and possibly loosen them at a later time when everyone is more comfortable. We weren't willing to do this, and now we have learned.

 

[redpepper]

When Breathes has sex with someone else it doesn't particularly bother me. I know he's safe about it. I know it's simply sex, a very base need that has been there since the dawn of life on this planet. Nearly every creature has this base need to procreate, humans are no different.

Humans are different in that we don't use sex JUST to procreate, we use it for fun & stress relief as well.

I would be really cheesed off if someone I were close with sexually used someone else as a stress relief. Why would they not come to me for that? I LOVE being taken for that reason. I like to know I take care of that for my men. It's a different type of sex, but the fact they come to me for that is just as connecting. I think I would be very confused and feel disrespected if they went to another that they are not in a relationship with for fun and stress release.

Still, each to their own. I am highly sexual and there is rarely a time I am not available. Most times I chose not to be due to circumstances, i.e., someone's coming home in a minute, someone is just on the other side of the door, we might get caught, etc. Perhaps that is why I would be upset.

I would like to be asked first if one of my men could have a stress release with another. HA! It would probably never happen anyway, so I'm not stressing.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think I would be very confused and feel disrespected if they went to another that they are not in a relationship with for fun and stress release.

RP, it's still a relationship even if it's not twue love. "There are all kinds of love." Some love is deeper and more serious. Some is lighter and just for fun.

As I said to one of my sweeties the other day about the newest guy I had a date with, "What's wrong with having a nice attractive boy in his Ralph Lauren underwear draped across your couch?" Sweetie answered, "Nothing wrong with that at all."

Different STROKES for different folks.

 

[redpepper]

OK, RP, you'd help me more if you could calm down and stop jumping to conclusions based quite so much on your own experiences.

I am quite calm. I was just interested and confused. Carry on. I have obviously made you think otherwise and I will take that as my leave on this one. No worries. I made you a thread and then just merged it with this one instead. I hope that works for you.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am quite calm. I was just interested and confused. I have obviously made you think otherwise and I will take that as my leave on this one.

From upthread:

Magdlyn, hun, just sit pretty, smile sweetly, flirt, giggle, say all the right things, spread your legs and do as you are told. Better yet, read their minds and be creative. Then let them masturbate in you while you shut off from your body and emotions. That's how I got by. It's all good, you can do it!

Then you will wonder what the hell you did that for and cry inside while you feel your heart is busting out of your chest and your throat hurts from the pain... Or was it the blow job?

Not worth it, sweetheart. At least, it wouldn't be for me, anyway.

This did not sound calm. This sounded like you were triggered around the very thought of "casual sex," and were judging my desires and experiences based on unresolved feelings of your own. Telling me to "spread your legs and do as you are told," and assuming my partners are "masturbating into [me]" is rather insulting when taken at face value.

I made you a thread and then just merged it with this one instead. hope that works for you.

Well, I guess you felt the need to take my actual thoughts on being a unicorn out of the unicorn thread. I'm not sure it belongs in a casual sex thread, as triads/quads are not necessarily casual or recreational sex, as T can attest.

Update on the couple that approached me: no word. I guess the L-word (and I don't mean lesbian) did scare them off.

 

[redpepper]

Thanks, Magdlyn. I will make you your own thread when I get a chance.

I was trying to be sarcastic. Perhaps if you read back and think of it this way it will make a difference. I am very sarcastic in real life. I should know not to be online. I misread your post as being upset and was trying to be sarcastically supportive. If you have been following along, I am no longer triggered by other people's sex lives because of my own past. I am quite supportive of whatever you do. I'm glad you are having fun and enjoying your life, as you should be. That's awesome.

 

[Ariakas]

You could just surround your sarcastic parts in <sarc> or something similar. We got into doing this on other forums because of how many fights were started by miscommunication.

 

[Magdlyn]

I have learned to rarely use sarcasm in real life or online. I find it to be passive aggressive. I like clear and honest communication. I *might* use it when people are clearly joking around, but not in a discussion on such a sensitive subject as peoples' love lives and sex lives.

And your "sarcasm" was based on past experiences you had with low self respect and low self esteem, which have no bearing on my current situation.

 

[redpepper]

I have learned to rarely use sarcasm in real life or online. I find it to be passive aggressive. I like clear and honest communication. I *might* use it when people are clearly joking around, but not in a discussion on such a sensitive subject as peoples' love lives and sex lives.

And your "sarcasm" was based on past experiences you had with low self respect and low self esteem, which have no bearing on my current situation.

Yeah, thanks. I do both quite well, actually, in real life.

I am sorry if I misread your post and thought you might think it funny that some people treat others that way. I read your thread as sarcastic actually, hence my response. I'm kinda missing why any of this is important, as I thought you would be carrying on what happened with the couple.

You could just surround your sarcastic parts in <sarc> or something similar. We got into doing this on other forums because of how many fights were started by miscommunication.

Thanks, Ari. I think it best I keep my humour off of here. Too bad, actually, as I am quite funny in real life. Ah, well... I think it's rather funny that I actually attempted it.

 

[Breathesgirl]

Yeah, thanks. I do both quite well, actually in real life

thanks Ari, I think it best I keep my humour off of here... too bad actually as I am quite funny in real life. Ah, well.... I think it rather funny that I actually attempted it.

Please don't hide who you are, RP.

I knew there was a reason I liked you. I've got a t-shirt that says: Sarcasm is just one of the services I offer. It's very true, I lean a lot towards sarcasm. It just doesn't come out as much online because it IS a lot more difficult to read true intent when true intent and words aren't matching, plus I have time to think of my response and make sure intent and words match.

 

[redpepper]

Please don't hide who you are, RP.

I lean a lot towards sarcasm. It just doesn't come out as much online because it IS a lot more difficult to read true intent when true intent and words aren't matching. Plus I have time to think of my response and make sure intent and words match.

Thanks. Good thing to keep in mind. I will keep it all for another venue that is less about other people's feelings. Magdlyn is right, I took a big risk with that one and hurt her feelings. For that I am sorry. It really was meant to be an attempt to make light of the journey I have been on with this shit. It's been heavy and it feels like I am taking a heavy pack off having reached a destination.

I had absolutely no intent of being passive aggressive. I would think it obvious by now that I choose honesty over PA, but I guess not. It's a shame really, as I feel very flat on here sometimes, and that just isn't me. In real life I swear a lot when I joke, laugh a lot and make jokes a lot and am quite often the centre of joking at work. Also the brunt of practical jokes quite a bit. It's just not evident on here. Oh, the stories I could tell. Ha!

Okay now, REALLY! On to our regular program! This hijack is getting uncomfortably long for me.

 

[Senga]

I was previously part of a V. I had two romantic and sexual relationship boyfriends where I was the hinge). I am part of a couple right now. Ryan and I have had casual, safe, NSA sex with another couple. We did it together. Called it swinging.

From my experience, my relationship with the two guys did not diminish my love for them, whatsoever. However, it did sometimes restrict the time that we had.

I think you are going about expressing your needs wonderfully! It seems that you are talking to him about your feelings. To me, jealousy or negative feelings are just our bodies' natural way of indicating that we need something emotionally. Maybe you are needing some attention, or reassurance. Encouraging you to keep up the communication!

 

[Magdlyn]

I can have an orgasm when the wind blows, so that's not the issue with me and casual sex.

Case in point, I've been chatting with a married, so-called "poly" guy on OKC for 3 days just recently. I found out he and his wife have rules for other partners (because of the wife's jealousy):

no kissing
no PIV sex
no cunnilingus (but I guess blowjobs are AOK *rolleyes* )

So what does that leave? BDSM activities and fingers only, I guess. I would find that so awkward and uncomfortable and unfulfilling. I sure don't think this couple is "poly," and it sucks they advertise themselves this way.

The guy wants me to anally fuck him and blow him, but I don't get his penis in my vagina in return, or even his tongue? The hell with that.

 

[redpepper]

I dunno, Mags. It sounds like another one to move along from, no? Too complicated for a woman like you, I would think. It sounds like the rules would interrupt anything you want. Perhaps he would get what he wants, but what are you left with if you are used to and desire freedom to see what comes up?

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh, I've already rejected him, RP. He admits he's confused about poly, as is his wife.

Apparently, she has a man and a woman interested in her now, and I guess if either of those people got emotional with her, then it would be okay for the husband to get emotional.

Yet one more guy IDing as polyamorous while only being interested in kink play and (limited) sexual expression.