Casual Sex - Discussion

[Tonberry]

I include anything with feelings as polyamory. I think FWBs can qualify because feelings are involved. I think polyamory is most often a sub-category of open relationships, which include more things. Some poly relationships, however, aren't open, such as polyfidelity.

Open relationships, for me, include casual sex, anonymous sex and anything like that.

I don't think being polyamorous excludes having also casual sex. But if you only have casual sex outside of a single relationship, I don't think that's polyamorous. I think it's another form of non-monogamy. Poly requires being open to more than one relationship.

I think the map of non-monogamy is needed again! Here you go.

 

[River]

Sex IS relationship.
There can be no sex without relationship.

Sex is profound.
There can be no shallow sex.

 

[redpepper]

This board sometimes has a tendency to discount, or even disapprove of casual sex, or frame it as not 'really' poly. I completely support people's right to decide what is appropriate, safe and sexy for them. I'm seeing a trend on the board of a narrowing down of polyamory in ways that are disturbing to me.

Where are you getting that from? I've been here for years and don't see that anywhere. People come here with opinions and shit to work on, but I really don't see where the ENTIRE board is "discounting or even disapproving of casual sex." Nor do I see anyone here "framing it as not 'really' poly." Where is this trend?

I can envision polyamory with a wide variety of loving, caring relationships, including primary relationships lasting for life, group marriages, triads, networks, casual sex partners, FWBs and so on. But I cannot see a polyamory devoid of an ethic of honesty, communication, openness and respect.

Now, that I can see.

 

[NeonKaos]

I'm a big fan of casual sex and I've defended it as not being incompatible with the definition of polyamorous relationships.

So everyone, Opalescent, and others - please speak for yourSELF, not for "this board".

I thank you in advance for your co-operation.

 

[Snowdancer]

I include casual sex, intimate dating (which is an interesting phase in itself - what would other dating be called?), and FWBs as definitely having a place in polyamory.

In my definition of polyamory, I emphasize the ethics aspect of poly - as opposed to focusing on the loving multiple people at once. It is certainly possible to love romantically two or more people at the same time. Yet, if the people involved are not honest with each other, then someone is likely cheating, or being cheated upon. Monogamous, committed people fall in love with more than one person all the time - we see posts about this situation regularly.

To me, the critical aspect of poly is not the multiple relationships although that's the fun part. It is the emphasis on an ethic of honesty, openness, respect and communication.

I also see more of continuum of loving, caring relationships available in poly rather than just the long-term, committed (however defined) model. So casual sex, done responsibly and ethically, can fit into poly, as would FWBs and any number of other sexual/romantic possibilities that I haven't thought of. I can even see the possibility of anonymous sex being poly - I would think it would difficult and not the best option for me personally, but plausible.

This board sometimes has a tendency to discount, or even disapprove, of casual sex. Or frame it as not 'really' poly. I completely support people's right to decide what is appropriate, safe and sexy for them. Certainly that has evolved over time for me and I do not know where I will end up! Nor do I think that folks who do not care for casual sex do not value sex or are not sex-positive. However, I'm seeing a trend on the board of a narrowing down of polyamory in ways that are disturbing to me.

I can envision polyamory with a wide variety of loving, caring relationships, including primary relationships lasting for life, group marriages, triads, networks, casual sex partners, FWBs and so on. But I cannot see a polyamory devoid of an ethic of honesty, communication, openness and respect.

Well said! Thank you for your input!

Snow

 

[Snowdancer]

I think this is one of those questions that has constantly evolving answers. Never hurts to see certain questions come up again.

To me, a open relationship, is a umbrella term, for various things. Like saying you are 'non-monogamous' .You are OPEN to a variety of encounters, and relationships.

I always believed in the *true* friends with benefits, not the booty-call version, where you only see each other to fuck.

I myself cherish my Friends in ways society tells us we're not supposed to. I call any Friend of mine I'm able to have sex with my Loverfriend. These individuals can rely upon me for any need they may have yet retain the freedom to do whatever they want to. The boundaries, while there, are more broad then those of existing relationship structures. It's casual in that sense of the word, yet I don't believe in NSA as the act of sex itself is a "string". Instead, I value each "string" for its own individual length and color.'

Poly reminds me of a 'Snowball.' Remember when there were dances, attracting 'serious' people who wanted to dance, or meet someone? The songs would play, people would find a partner, then the DJ would yell 'Snowball!' and you had to turn and change partners.

Maybe what I see will change, but currently I have seen a whole lot of philosophy, a whole lot of should and shouldn`t, but ultimately, somebody is calling the shots, and everyone snowballs.

I appreciate the input and the quote.

Thanks,
Snow

 

[Snowdancer]

I include anything with feelings as polyamory. I think FWB can qualify because feelings are involved. I think polyamory is most often a sub-category of open relationships, which include more things (some poly relationships however aren't opened, such as polyfidelity).
Open relationships include casual sex for me and anonymous sex and anything like that.

I don't think being polyamorous excludes having also casual sex. But if you only have casual sex outside of a single relationship, I don't think that's polyamorous, I think it's another form of non-monogamy. Poly requires being open to more than one relationship.

I think the map of non-monogamy is needed again! Here you go.

I've actually seen that map before. How complicated! Some people are really detailed when it comes to categorizing things.

I appreciate your comments. I find it hard to not get involved/develop feelings with my partners and haven't had any real interest in what might be called casual sex for quite some time now. I came upon this site about a week ago, after coming to the realization that I'm probably poly, at least to some degree. Hearing some of these opinions is really helping to confirm that.

Thank you so much,
Snow

 

[Magdlyn]

... I really don't see where the ENTIRE board is "discounting, or even disapprove, of casual sex!"

She said "sometimes," RP. And you've put down casual sex yourself from time to time. But you have said it works for some, not just for you.

Nor do I see anyone here "framing it as not 'really' poly!" So where is this trend?

Someone has a sig to that effect.

 

[Snowdancer]

Where are you getting that from? I've been here for years and don't see that anywhere. People come here with opinions and shit to work on, but I really don't see where the ENTIRE board is "discounting or even disapproving of casual sex." Nor do I see anyone here "framing it as not 'really' poly." So where is this trend?

Actually, I got that from the first response to the first thread I posted. The comment I received seemed judgmental, and to me it felt like I was being accused of only looking for casual sex and what I was looking for wasn't considered poly. I almost didn't come back to this site. I can't speak for the rest of the site though, as I haven't been here long enough to experience much. But my first experience was reflective of what this person was saying. That was certainly the impression I got.

 

[Snowdancer]

She said "sometimes" RP. And you've put down casual sex yourself, from time to time. But you have said it works for some, not just for you.

Someone has a sig to that effect.

I saw that signature too. They may have been the ones that gave me my abrupt introduction to this site.

 

[TL4everu2]

I've noticed the trend as well, but not everyone is on board the train yet. So I leave it as just a trend of discontent and hate. I don't subscribe to it. If someone wants to have multiple relationships, who the hell am I to tell them they are doing it right or wrong? Not everyone will agree with how I do my relationship, but it seems to work for my wife of 20+ years and me, so far. The exact same dynamic doesn't work for a lot of other people though. So there's no way to make a hard and fast rule.

On the subject of "casual sex," it's ok, IMO. If my wife wants to go out and get sum every now and then, well, as long as she gives me a little notice or a heads up (such as a text saying something like "Hey baby, spending the night at ****'s place. Love you") then I might be fine with it. Dunno. We haven't really run into that situation yet. If she wants to go to the local swingers club with me, then I say let's go. I'm all for that. Even though we have never really hooked up with anyone there, it's still fun to chat with people of a similar thought process.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Fuck it. I'll say it. If you are going out and screwing people for one-night stands, I don't see that as poly at all. That doesn't mean that the person might not be poly. I just don't think it is anything unique, or even "special" enough to call it anything but just fucking around. But hey, my idea of poly or mono isn't binding to anyone, just how I think of things internally.

 

[redpepper]

She said "sometimes" RP. And you've put down casual sex yourself from time to time. But you have said it works for some, not just for you.

"Sometimes" the ENTIRE board then. Again, I haven't seen it. I put down casual sex some time ago because I was going through my own stuff. As I said, people go through stuff. Apparently it needs to be brought up for the rest of my fucking life. Geesh. I also said about five million times that I don't give a shit, but apparently you never heard that part? I happen to think everyone should experience it at some point in their lives. Would you like me to send you daily reminders of my point of view on this Mags, as it means so much to you?

*sarcasm at its finest here.* Comes with a day in bed being sick.

This forum works hard at keeping the idea that there is one poly, one anything at bay. I am just asking where the evidence is that EVERYONE is biased against casual sex here. I have not seen it.

 

[Magdlyn]

Sigh... So I had a sort of casual, but LTR with my boytoy D. For 2 years. He stopped coming to see me in February. He told me he was too busy at work.

Now, this week the girl T we had a fourway with (my gf's ex), along with D, back in February, has told me he told her in chat he is now seeing someone else. It must be a girl closer by to him. And he didn't bother to drop me a line telling me he is getting laid elsewhere these days. I guess that is his definition of NSA. I texted him twice this week and tried to IM him, and got no response.

 

[Magdlyn]

"Sometimes" the ENTIRE board then. Again, haven't seen it. I put down casual sex some time ago because I was going through my own stuff. As I said, people go through stuff. Apparently it needs to be brought up for the rest of my fucking life. Geesh. I also said about five million times that I don't give a shit, but apparently you never heard that part? I happen to think everyone should experience it at some point in their lives. Would you like me to send you daily reminders of my point of view on this, Mags, as it means so much to you? *sarcasm at its finest here.* Comes with a day in bed being sick.

Jeez, that was bitchy.

 

[redpepper]

Actually, I got that from the first response to the first thread I posted. The comment I received seemed judgmental, and to me it felt like I was being accused of only looking for casual sex and what I was looking for wasn't considered poly. I almost didn't come back to this site. I can't speak for the rest of the site though as I haven't been here long enough to experience much here. But my first experience here is reflective of what this person was saying. That was certainly the impression I got.

Maybe because that is all you talked about? I dunno. I can't remember. Again, not the opinion of everyone here. There are some people that don't think casual sex is poly. So what? Does that mean that they are wrong and those who believe that are right? No, it means that they have a differing opinion. That's it. Everyone who comes here has an opinion. That is what forums are about, no? What are we suppose to say? Sorry we think differently? Why not just investigate and be interested in why? Be curious rather than dismissive. We are all in this together, no?

This was not necessarily directed at you, snow, but to anyone reading who is seemingly judging and on the defensive of those who don't believe casual sex is poly. It's funny how because a person can have a differing opinion they are some how judgemntal, isn't it?

 

[Chimera]

Fuck it. I'll say it. If you are going out and screwing people for one night stands I don't see that as poly at all. That doesn't mean that the person might not be poly. I just don't think it is anything unique or even "special" enough to call it anything but just fucking around. But hey, my idea of poly or mono aren't binding to anyone...just how I think of things internally.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think this shows how diverse definitions really are and why labeling is often a problem, as much as it is helpful for finding community/like-minded folks.

I think casual sex or "fucking around" is a perfectly fine part of poly relationships, if that's how people express their desire and it's enjoyable to them. It's been a positive part of my life and isn't at all meaningless. Frankly, I'm at a loss to understand polyfidelity (it looks like multiple monogamy to me) and swinging as practices. But who am I to judge? If it doesn't appeal to me, I don't have to do it. I think there's beauty in the diversity of ways people relate. When anything is compulsory or coercive it's a problem. In my world, poly isn't anything special or unique, it's just a different way of relating. As someone else posted, what matters most to me is honesty and communication.

 

[redpepper]

Jeez that was bitchy.

Yup. Feeling bitchy today, as I said

 

[redpepper]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think this shows how diverse definitions really are and why labeling is often a problem, as much as it is helpful for finding community/like-minded folks.

I think casual sex or "fucking around" is a perfectly fine part of poly relationships if that's how people express their desire and it's enjoyable to them. It's been a positive part of my life and isn't at all meaningless. Frankly, I'm at a loss to understand polyfidelity (it looks like multiple monogamy to me) and swinging as practices. But who am I to judge? If it doesn't appeal to me, I don't have to do it. I think there's beauty in the diversity of ways people relate. When anything is compulsory or coercive it's a problem. I'm my world, poly isn't anything special or unique, it's just a different way of relating. As someone else posted, what matters most to me is honesty and communication.

Thank you for this. I agree.

If ever you want to talk about poly-fi, because you are curious, please let me know. I find myself as such at the moment. I find it fascinating how all of us can be under the same umbrella term. What is even more fascinating is that it is all fluid and can take us swimming in a pool of poly to all kinds of corners.

Okay, maybe it's not an umbrella, but a swimming pool.

 

[Ariakas]

I find it fascinating how all of us can be under the same umbrella term. What is even more fascinating is that it is all fluid and can take us swimming in a pool of poly to all kinds of corners. Maybe it's not an umbrella, but a swimming pool.

Don't forget the wading pool, and the deep end, and those of us who are currently on little day loungers. Nice analogy, BTW. I wonder what happens in the hot tub?