Compersion: Merged Threads, General Discussion

Hi. I hope you don't mind Peachtaboo if I jump in here & ask an additional question to the more experienced members. I've also been wondering about 'compersion' & found the answers helpful. But I'm wondering if there is a difference between 'compersion' & the term I've read somewhere, briefly, called 'erotic voyeurism'.

I think there is a distinct difference but that one (voyeurism) could easily be considered a subset of the other (compersion).

"Compersion" seems to be tied to genuine happiness derived from another's state of happiness with possible total disregard for our own place in that.

Does that mean that there can't be other side benefits at the same time (the voyeuristic stimulation) ? I can't see a need for that restriction.

But neither does one make the other. But I can see the fine line and potential for confusion.

Biggest difference is one doesn't need the other. I, and likely a lot of people, am not a voyeur, yet I derive pleasure in knowing my wife is with someone.

My wife is a voyeur and has compersion, she really enjoys watching me with other women and feels absolute joy. To date, she has not allowed me to be with a woman without her at least watching.

As with anything there is overlap...but they are seperate :)
My wife is a voyeur and has compersion, she really enjoys watching me with other women and feels absolute joy. To date, she has not allowed me to be with a woman without her at least watching.

As with anything there is overlap...but they are seperate :)

Now I am REALLY confused! This is a real learning process.:eek:
Now I am REALLY confused! This is a real learning process.:eek:

She has insecurities about me being with women without her. We are slowly breaking down that wall. She loves me being with other women....compersion...but requires me to have her there as well.

compersion is simply deriving joy from your partners happiness. Being a voyeur can be inclusive of that, but is not necessarily exclusive to it.

Hope that made sense. Most of the terms in relationships have overlap and in the end are just labels. By overlap doesn't mean they ARE anything. To go further

there are voyeurs who are voyeurs for the sake of THEMSELVES. They aren't enjoying compersion when stealing a look at their sexual attentions, they are doing it because the like watching people/things etc.

Ah! Got it!! Thanks for your opinion! I must be the latter. Still discovering which labels I fit under...I am starting to look tattooed! LOL!:p
I hadn't looked at the definition of voyeurism Slip. Thanks for the reference. Interesting. I seem to recall seeing the term 'erotic voyeurism' from an interviewee who used it to describe how she was turned on thinking of her boyfriend being with his other lady at the time they are actually together. I have a partner who enjoys "sharing me" as he puts it, which, at this point, is the thought of my being with another or knowing I'm with another. Is it compersion or erotic voyeurism?

I'm not usually one that brings in "hard" references. But I needed to see if that label fit me. ;)
I'm another newbie to the whole field, but in my experience the voyeurism/compersion distinction works something like this: I can see my boyfriend's happy after a date with another woman, and I'm happy about that. That's compersion. Then, with a wink and a grin, I ask for details, and if he gives them (with the other woman's permission, explicit or implicit), I usually get turned on to some extent. That's voyeurism.

I've only watched him with another woman once, but that experience I can only describe as an inextricable jumble of compersion jollies and voyeuristic jollies. I don't feel a strong need to sort out what's what: it was jolly, and that's the important thing, yes?
Compersion is an all encompassing word for being happy for one partner that they find happiness in another partner. Voyerism is getting off on watching people have sex.

I think we could coin another term all together here.... *Compersion voyerism* :D
Learning compersion

I believe that compersion - the joy we have when our partner experiences joy - is often something we learn (instead of something we are born with).

What has been good tools for you to learn compersion?

hmmmm...I learned compersion by being dragged kicking and screaming into accepting it. I had to do a lot of self reflection, introspection and communication to get there. I still fail at it sometimes, but I know the "why" or my stumbles. For me, so far, it was like a boxing match between jealousy and compersion with me as the ref...

My compersion isn't related to poly however, as the person I feel compersion for is not involved with me...I have learned to be joyful for her when she is happy or with others.
I agree with ariakas...

I was totally kicking and screaming at first...and it took a lot of self exploration. I still sometimes, more frequently than I would like, have those pangs of jealousy that I have to focus on and deal with...or just completely ignore and do something else. There are still times where I cannot feel compersion even when I really want to.
I agree with the other posters. I was not accustomed to compersion because of how I was raised. Now I am teaching my son so that he will always have it.

I find it comes naturally to me and that makes it difficult for me to define "how do you learn it".

For me it's a Nike kind of thing, "just do it"..

Some of the deepest arguments we've had around here were because of this exact issue.

I find in myself that it's impossible for me not to be happy when someone else is happy. Even if something horrible is going on, in the moment I'm considering their happiness, I'm happy.
my compersion comes from a place of love. It's not like i always had it. But, meditating on these kinds of ideas and logics, i realized that compersion is apart of unconditional love. In opposition to compersion is selfishness. And so, I would work towards to the greater ideal. When I was in a 4-some i drew on this ideal, this logic. And it made me so much happier, quelling any feelings of jealousy. Sometimes i (soft) swing now, and it's the same thing. I often laugh or smile when she moans and i have nothing to do with it. :/ My examples were sexual, but i'm speaking of all compersion.
It's been really hard for the people who have known us to understand how my husband and I have the relationship we have. We have often been described as "the strongest marriage I have ever seen". I think compersion has a lot to do with that. I love my husband for everything he is. His happiness is nourishment to my soul. So sharing his happiness with someone else makes me happy.

Even given our recent developments this works for us. I think compersion is actually how we are getting through it.
For me, compersion results from a underlying concept of Abundance rather than the perception that things are limited.

I have come to believe that things like love, lovers, chemistry and charisma (to name a few) are abundantly available as long as we are open to experiencing them.

This concept has helped me in running a business also, since I do not feel threatened by my competition. There is enough business to go around for everyone!! Sure, the market changes and the economy affects things, so you have to be open and flexible, but the abundant availability of things still seems to prevail.

There is enough love available for everyone. There is enough pleasure available for everyone. It's just a matter of expecting it and being able to experience these things when the opportunities arise!
yeah i have to agree with a lot of people on just came naturally. it is most definitely sumthing you can teach, but i also think it takes a special kind of heart to accept that teaching.... our society and our upbringing
are very self centered these days and as such it is difficult to experience, teach, and accept this type of thing...
It took me awhile because I first had to get over the culture idea of cuckold. Then I had to work to focus on the positive parts. A lot of that was trying to imagine myself in my wife's position. After thinking on it for several months, I finally realized I emotionally accepted the idea as well as intellectuality.