Compersion: Merged Threads, General Discussion

[redpepper]

I talked with Mono tonight about this a bit.

I said to him that I learned compersion by deciding, after much wallowing and really feeling them, that I was not interested in the feelings I was holding of jealousy, envy, hurt, sadness, abandonment and decided to walk right through them and see them from the other side. I decided to stand outside of them and look at situations without allowing myself to fall into all those feelings that were holding me back. Once I did that and could see clearly I saw only joy and happiness for my partner or other personal situations I was struggling with.

I believe that I create my reality and that I can shape it to suit my needs. Feeling all the negative feelings above was not serving me well and making me unable to be the best person I could be, have the best life for myself and kept me from loving myself.

Compersion comes to me rather than is a given. I have to conjure it up in extreme situations, but it does come and I know how to access it now. I think it eventually will be a free flow into it, but I spent too many years developing the part of my brain that hates me, blames others, plays the victim etc, to let that go entirely just yet. My brain is developing into compersion and more positive ways of being... not a thin veil of positive, but really positive.... this infleunce changes the world I think.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I don't really understand the concept of learning to feel compersion. I just have it for the relationships that Redpepper has. Nerdist was immediate and 100%. Derby was pretty quick and Redpepper's tertiary was pretty immediate but to a lesser degree than Nerdist and derives strength from their friendship and the fact that I also consider him a friend of mine.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

If I were to try to explain how to achieve compersion it would be to learn to care about your partner's partners. That is where my compersion comes from.

I care about Polynerdist enough to step aside without hesitation if they wanted me to. I care about Derby and I care about RP's tertiary.

That is one of the reasons I believe in order to have a sustainable integrated muti-partner relationship you need to not only know each partner, but also need to possess genuine caring for them. The extension of your love for your partner through them and into their other partners. That is my key to compersion. But my compersion isn't your compersion...compersion is as fluid as poly itself

 

[sage]

But is it worth it?

I talked with Mono tonight about this a bit.

I said to him that I learned compersion by deciding, after much wallowing and really feeling them, that I was not interested in the feelings I was holding of jealousy, envy, hurt, sadness, abandonment and decided to walk right through them and see them from the other side. I decided to stand outside of them and look at situations without allowing myself to fall into all those feelings that were holding me back. Once I did that and could see clearly I saw only joy and happiness for my partner or other personal situations I was struggling with.

I believe that I create my reality and that I can shape it to suit my needs. Feeling all the negative feelings above was not serving me well and making me unable to be the best person I could be, have the best life for myself and kept me from loving myself.

Compersion comes to me rather than is a given. I have to conjure it up in extreme situations, but it does come and I know how to access it now. I think it eventually will be a free flow into it, but I spent too many years developing the part of my brain that hates me, blames others, plays the victim etc, to let that go entirely just yet. My brain is developing into compersion and more positive ways of being... not a thin veil of positive, but really positive.... this infleunce changes the world I think.

after two years with my poly partner I think I am finally coming around to the fact that he is not going to be able to change and if I want a relationship with him I am going to have to be the one who changes. Intellectually I have no problem with polyamory but the feelings it brings up for me are so intense that I just don't know if i can work through them in the way you describe.

I'm new to this site so I don't know your back ground but your post has made me wonder whether it's just going to be all too hard and maybe I should just cut my losses and find myself a nice mono man. I do love my poly partner very much. I guess my question to you is "what is in it for the mono partner?" It sounds like years of pain and hard work. Of course I love the idea of allowing my partner the freedom to fully experience his love for a secondary but if it is going to cause me pain and hard work for years how loving am I being to myself?

 

[redpepper]

"what is in it for the mono partner?" It sounds like years of pain and hard work. Of course I love the idea of allowing my partner the freedom to fully experience his love for a secondary but if it is going to cause me pain and hard work for years how loving am I being to myself?

Well, he is sitting right beside me saying he gets to be in a relationship with me.... you would have to ask him for more details on that one really.... yes it has been a huge bout of work and we have worked very hard.... but it's been worth it. I have managed to have a very deep and meaningful relationship with him... more than I thought I could ever have with anyone. I guess I did it cause I thought he was worthnthe effort. He set a bar that was higher than anyone else for me.

 

[KatTails]

hmmmm...I learned compersion by being dragged kicking and screaming into accepting it. I had to do a lot of self reflection, introspection and communication to get there. I still fail at it sometimes, but I know the "why" or my stumbles. For me, so far, it was like a boxing match between jealousy and compersion with me as the ref...

Ari - this is my experience as well! There are still times, a year into this, when I start to kick and scream and refuse to allow compersion to emerge - but the "ref" in me is getting better at reigning that in before it gets out of control.

I agree with ariakas...I was totally kicking and screaming at first...and it took a lot of self exploration. I still sometimes, more frequently than I would like, have those pangs of jealousy that I have to focus on and deal with...or just completely ignore and do something else. There are still times where I cannot feel compersion even when I really want to.

poiyt - I know exactly what you mean. It's a daily battle!

For me it's a Nike kind of thing, "just do it"...

LR - I'm taking your "just do it" attitude and running with it. It's working so far! I have also said a few times "fake it till you make."

For me, compersion results from a underlying concept of Abundance rather than the perception that things are limited. I have come to believe that things like love, lovers, chemistry and charisma (to name a few) are abundantly available as long as we are open to experiencing them.
There is enough love available for everyone. There is enough pleasure available for everyone. It's just a matter of expecting it and being able to experience these things when the opportunities arise!

idealist - this is where I have struggled a lot! It's a way of thinking about things in a different way. Not always easy to do when things are painful. But I do try to keep this in mind. The only thing that is limited is time and I think that is where a lot of my concerns with morningglory and my husband come in. But it is something we are working on and compersion helps us do that!

I said to [mono] that I learned compersion by deciding, after much wallowing and really feeling them, that I was not interested in the feelings I was holding of jealousy, envy, hurt, sadness, abandonment and decided to walk right through them and see them from the other side. I decided to stand outside of them and look at situations without allowing myself to fall into all those feelings that were holding me back. Once I did that and could see clearly I saw only joy and happiness for my partner or other personal situations I was struggling with.

I believe that I create my reality and that I can shape it to suit my needs. Feeling all the negative feelings above was not serving me well and making me unable to be the best person I could be, have the best life for myself and kept me from loving myself.

Compersion comes to me rather than is a given. I have to conjure it up in extreme situations, but it does come and I know how to access it now. I think it eventually will be a free flow into it, but I spent too many years developing the part of my brain that hates me, blames others, plays the victim etc, to let that go entirely just yet. My brain is developing into compersion and more positive ways of being... not a thin veil of positive, but really positive.... this infleunce changes the world I think.

redpepper - I hope you don't mind me saying this - but I love you! I love how your mind and heart work. I love how you look at things. I love how open you are. The bold part above is exactly how I feel about this. Thank you for putting my feelings into those words.

If I were to try to explain how to achieve compersion it would be to learn to care about your partner's partners. That is where my compersion comes from. That is one of the reasons I believe in order to have a sustainable integrated muti-partner relationship you need to not only know each partner, but also need to possess genuine caring for them. The extension of your love for your partner through them and into their other partners. That is my key to compersion. But my compersion isn't your compersion...compersion is as fluid as poly itself

MG - I think we are getting there!

Compersion cannot exist when there is jealousy, insecurity, resentment, competition or anger. It's taken me a long time - but I'm getting closer and closer. As with everything, there are good days and bad days. I know the bad days will lessen as time goes on.

The compersion I have felt this week for 2rings and MG is in turn making me happy and is helping to squelch any negative emotions that start to pop up.

 

[redpepper]

KT, its so great to see you have some hope! I'm all smiles about it. It warms my heart. You seem to be doing so much better and seem more positive. Yay!

 

[TL4everu2]

Compersion....How to attain it....Hmmm...These are difficult things to ask. I (the husband) had it a LOOOONG time ago. Back when my wife and I thought we were swingers because we had my best friend in bed with us....every weekend. LOL The fact that my best friend and I hung out and did OTHER things together, was a bonus to me. The fact that my wife and him got along....WAS STELLAR....And the fact that they both liked to get together in bed...Well, all the better. So for me, it came naturally.

For my wife, though, it has not come as naturally. She still battles with jealousy from time to time. She has days where she feels that I will leave her if I find someone else who is "better" than her. I ask her what she means by that, and she says "thinner, smarter, better in bed, or something like that". I reassure her that it's not all about all of those things, but about the love I have. I tell her that I am not going anywhere as long as she'll have ME, not the other way around. She still gets nervous about it from time to time, but....after 20 years of marriage.....and after about 10 years of seeing other people, she is beginning to realize that I'm not going anywhere.....Unless she wants me to.

My wife and I spend almost every waking minute together....We own a business together, and therefore we work together....So we are litterally together almost 24 hrs a day. When we HAVE to spend time apart, it's difficult. We have become dependant on each other. LOL Weird I know. So the idea of "dating" someone else, is forign to us kinda. Yes, we've done it in the past.....But it's still forign....And Compersion...like I said, for me, it's easy. I'm SO pleased that she is having a good time, that I just smile, and my day goes by so easy....But for her, she worries about me leaving, from time to time. She eventually gets over it, and we are back on our happy high called life.

 

[rpcrazy]

She still gets nervous about it from time to time, but....after 20 years of marriage.....and after about 10 years of seeing other people, she is beginning to realize that I'm not going anywhere.....Unless she wants me to.

...

...I give up. *bow*

 

[Quath]

I guess my question to you is "what is in it for the mono partner?" It sounds like years of pain and hard work. Of course I love the idea of allowing my partner the freedom to fully experience his love for a secondary but if it is going to cause me pain and hard work for years how loving am I being to myself?

I think Redpepper got most of the answer by saying that you get to be with the one you love. But I think there are other benefits to a mono partner. Here are a few that come to mind:

1) You have a stronger network. For example, you can call on your partner's other partners to plan a birthday or take care of that person if they are sick.
2) More relationship experience. The more relationsships people go through, the more experience they build up. So your partner may be better able to listen and communicate due to the influence of other relationships.
3) Personal growth. You can look deep in yourself to really understand yourself better. If you feel jealous, is it due to insecurity? If you feel insecure, then why?
4) Relationship based on honesty and communication. You shouldn't need to worry about affairs or cheating behind your back. This allows you to trust more since there are less reasons to lie.
5) You don't have to be everything. For example, if BDSM is not your thing and it is his, then there is an outlet for him to meet his needs.
6) You are free to love as well. You may one day find yourself surprisingly attracted to someone else. In polyamory, you are not completely stuck to being mono. You can explore your feelings. It doesn't even have to be sexual.
7) You get to hang out with the cool and edgy people of society. This is way better than following that well beaten path everyone else is taking.

 

[rpcrazy]

You get to hang out with the cool and edgy people of society. This is way better than following that well beaten path everyone else is taking.

-sold

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I get to share in Redpepper's intimate love. That is huge and the only benefit that I see as a direct result of her being poly specifically. The rest would come with her no matter how she loved in my opinion. The diversity, honesty and compassion she has would be no less I believe.

There is a very big factor in this question in my opinion;

If a mono partner cannot truly embrace the people they are sharing thier sole love with, then there is no benefit that will counter the unhealthy pain they will possibly feel.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

It should be metioned that I have been bleesed by being included in Redpepper's family and sharing in that extended love...but I also think this would be possible even if we were not intimate. She opens her heart and family to any that are loving and genuine

 

[DharmaBum23]

“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”: Mark Twain

I think that the first thing I have noticed about compersion is that it become MUCH more difficult if you don't have what you need.

If you are trying to learn compersion I think it is a good idea to make sure that as many of your needs as possible are satisfied.

If some or most of your needs can't be met, you should be aware that learning or having compersion(though not impossible) will be much harder with ever need that isn't satisfied.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”: Mark Twain

I think that the first thing I have noticed about compersion is that it become MUCH more difficult if you don't have what you need.

If you are trying to learn compersion I think it is a good idea to make sure that as many of your needs as possible are satisfied.

If some or most of your needs can't be met, you should be aware that learning or having compersion(though not impossible) will be much harder with ever need that isn't satisfied.

Hmmmmmmm

Interesting observation........
Maybe a lot of truth to it for many ? Interesting.

Makes me wonder. Is this a hint of selfishness ? Is it harder to be happy for/with someone when WE aren't happy ? Why ?

Happiness is another of those funny things - like love. We can borrow some of it from others and yet never reduce what they have. In fact, it seems to replicate and reciprocate. They in turn get to borrow from OUR happiness. It can be what the scientific minded often refer to as a 'positive feedback loop'.

And on the other hand, the opposite is possible. I've seen this a lot. I suspect we all have.

When we feel (and express) UNhappiness at someone else's happiness - what happens ? We suck up some of their positive energy and destroy it. Negative loop.

Hmmmmmmmmm
Choices.........

GS

 

[DharmaBum23]

Hmmmmmmm

Interesting observation........
Maybe a lot of truth to it for many ? Interesting.

Makes me wonder. Is this a hint of selfishness ? Is it harder to be happy for/with someone when WE aren't happy ? Why ?

Happiness is another of those funny things - like love. We can borrow some of it from others and yet never reduce what they have. In fact, it seems to replicate and reciprocate. They in turn get to borrow from OUR happiness. It can be what the scientific minded often refer to as a 'positive feedback loop'.

And on the other hand, the opposite is possible. I've seen this a lot. I suspect we all have.

When we feel (and express) UNhappiness at someone else's happiness - what happens ? We suck up some of their positive energy and destroy it. Negative loop.


GS

I think that you are correct when it comes to more abstract areas(like the mental act of loving people).

However, when it comes down to physical things(like time spent with an SO, sex, death rays, whatever) that is where I think Twain's expression comes into play.

I do not have scientific research, but I think that the reason this is is hard wired into us. If I do not have as much food as I want then it will be very hard for me to be happy that my SO or anyone else has enough food. And remember that even though a lot of the things we think of as tangible "needs" in a relationship aren't life or death, they are important enough to be called "needs".


Now, of course, if the person trying to learn compersion is smart, they will try to get their needs met, either via their SO or other means and that will make the learning a lot easier.

But during the time when their needs are not met, unless the person has a martyr complex or is an honest-to-goodness saint, compersion will be much more difficult. Of course, this is my observation and YMMV.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Intellectually I have no problem with polyamory but the feelings it brings up for me are so intense that I just don't know if i can work through them in the way you describe.

I'm new to this site so I don't know your back ground but your post has made me wonder whether it's just going to be all too hard and maybe I should just cut my losses and find myself a nice mono man. I do love my poly partner very much. I guess my question to you is "what is in it for the mono partner?" It sounds like years of pain and hard work. Of course I love the idea of allowing my partner the freedom to fully experience his love for a secondary but if it is going to cause me pain and hard work for years how loving am I being to myself?

Maturing is hard work. Unfortunately the large majority of people never bother to do it. The prime benefit to you working through the emotions that arise within you when facing polyamory is that you will grow and mature into something closer to "the best version of yourself". This does NOT mean you will become personally polyamorous. You may, you may not. It does mean you will get to know yourself better and that you will be a better partner to ANYONE who you are with-whether they be poly or mono.
Loving doesn't always mean "placating". Loving means to push whatever/whoever you are loving-to be the best version of themself that they can be. For example-a LOVING parent-doesn't give their child everything the child wants-because that isn't going to help the child become the best person that they can be. The Loving parent sometimes lets the child hurt, depending on how obstinate the child-it could be for a LONG time, whatever it takes to help the child learn the necessary lessons for them to become the best version of themself that they can be, to become fully self-responsible, to become fully mature so that they can also be TRULY joyful and happy with themself and their life.
You might consider how you can best "parent" yourself. That would be the most loving thing you could do for yourself.
One of my greatest joys as a parent-is watching my children learn to parent themselves. Seeing them learn to hold themselves accountable to do self-introspection, find their own weaknesses and mistakes and improve upon themselves without being told to.

Ari - this is my experience as well! There are still times, a year into this, when I start to kick and scream and refuse to allow compersion to emerge - but the "ref" in me is getting better at reigning that in before it gets out of control.

LR - I'm taking your "just do it" attitude and running with it. It's working so far! I have also said a few times "fake it till you make."

Compersion cannot exist when there is jealousy, insecurity, resentment, competition or anger. It's taken me a long time - but I'm getting closer and closer. As with everything, there are good days and bad days. I know the bad days will lessen as time goes on.

The compersion I have felt this week for 2rings and MG is in turn making me happy and is helping to squelch any negative emotions that start to pop up.

Kat-another WONDEFUL post by you! Learning to control yourself from acting on emotions that don't propel your towards the future you want, taking control and responsibility to propel yourself that direction, recognizing what things need to be removed from your heart in order for you to foster compersion and minimize your own pain, and seeing that in practicing this you ARE making yourself happier! WONDERFUL!!

It should be metioned that I have been bleesed by being included in Redpepper's family and sharing in that extended love...but I also think this would be possible even if we were not intimate. She opens her heart and family to any that are loving and genuine

I'm so thankful! Because I really need a family that understands and accepts my ups and downs and is willing to love my genuine self-even when my genuine self is so hurt and emotional that it's not making sense. XOXOXOX to you all!

“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”: Mark Twain

I think that the first thing I have noticed about compersion is that it become MUCH more difficult if you don't have what you need.

If you are trying to learn compersion I think it is a good idea to make sure that as many of your needs as possible are satisfied.

If some or most of your needs can't be met, you should be aware that learning or having compersion(though not impossible) will be much harder with ever need that isn't satisfied.

More difficult for CERTAIN.Not impossible for short-term. But certainly not easy and not sustainable in the long term.
I think the hardest thing for me is finding the "middle ground".
If my lover can't fulfil my needs (I don't believe any one person can fulfil all of any other person's needs), then I need to get them fulfilled elsewhere.
BUT if that person is jealous, possessive, insecure... how long do you wait before you step away and get your needs met IN SPITE of it hurting them for you to do so?

 

[sage]

thanks

“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”: Mark Twain

I think that the first thing I have noticed about compersion is that it become MUCH more difficult if you don't have what you need.

If you are trying to learn compersion I think it is a good idea to make sure that as many of your needs as possible are satisfied.

If some or most of your needs can't be met, you should be aware that learning or having compersion(though not impossible) will be much harder with ever need that isn't satisfied.

For me this is very true and a really good salient reminder. Getting my needs met in a relationship has never been easy for me because I believed that my needs were my responsibility and not my partners. While this is true I have learnt through experience that getting my partner to meet certain needs is actually part and parcel of being in a relationship and necessary for me to stay in a really loving space. The fact that he is poly and I am not (at least not at the moment) probably forces me to demand more of him because for me to cope with his other relationship, our relationship has to be in tip top condition.

 

[Anne]

Hey you all,

I think getting one´s needs met is an important part of any relationship. The difference to selfish behavior is the result: Is everyone happier or less happy after talking about those needs?

For example, if I tell my partner: "I´m feeling weak at the moment and I would like to spent more time with you together at home, to reload my battery", and he and I find an agreement we both feel fine with, at the end we are both happier: Me because I have my needs met, and my partner because he feels that I trust in him and we can talk things through together. Furthermore, he has a happier partner.

But if I´m jealous it´s a thought like: "You´re happy, and you´re not happy with me. This makes me unhappy. Change it" This "Change it" means: Stop being happy with the other person, leading to less happiness for all.

For me, compersion also is a process, something I´m learning. I still have feelings like in my second example, and I need a lot of thinking and reflecting to deal with it. But if I really do feel compersion, I notice how it enlightens my heart, so I think it´s really worth the effort!

Best wishes
Anne

 

[sage]

I was thinking about compersion while I was gardening

.....and it suddenly struck me that so much is made of compersion but maybe there needs to be a word to describe the sense of satisfaction and joy a poly can feel by helping their partners to cope better with the situation? If my partner is anything to go by you guys do stuff up at times by either taking the situation for granted or in subtle ways trying to push out agreed to parameters. Is this really any different to jealousy?

Sage