Do you have a friend who disagrees with polyamory?

[kdt26417]

There's a good YouTube video about coming out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ-8ocmtb_8

 

[GalaGirl]

Their fear of major relationship change isn't just about fear of abandonment and loss, it's fear for maintaining a basic standard of living.

Agreed.

Galagirl

 

[River]

Coming out as polyamorous is something that shares a lot of common attributes with coming out as one or more of the LGBT (and Q)s. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coming_out

Therefore, while it is a deeply personal process and choice, it is also a social and political one. Oppression thrives on invisibility. Socially enforced monogamy is oppression, plain and simple.

 

[edpsy77]

This person sounds like an evangelical vanilla monogamist to me!

What does the friend get from the heated conversation? Why do they need to keep harping on it? What's there to "debate" anyway? Like if they come up with good enough talking points, they will finally sway you to give it up and go monogamous?

Let me describe to you what I think is the mentality of these evangelical vanilla monos. These vanillas/monogamists are like born again fundie Christians. They believe there one way is the TRUTH and the LIGHT and everyone else has a corrupted view about romance and/or sexuality. They feel you are cheating yourself out of the bond that will make you understand what your purpose in life is. Like fundamentalist Protestants look at Catholicism as Christian heresy, many vanilla monogamists view polyamory as relationship/sex heresy. In their minds, polyamory is counterfeit true love.

Poly presents the delusion that you have achieved a bond that is called TRUE love. At the very best, you have a very good friendship with benefits with your primary partners. It is their job to make you see your full potential as loving being and the very idea of polyamory will lead to greater divorce and breakups because you won't make a damn decision on who is the ONE. You'll be hopping to partner to partner to find this perfect partner when you should accept that one is good enough. Is any of this inherent in the concept of poly. Nope. But unfortunately for us, they think it is. The only difference that makes fundie Christians redeemable in their evangelism is that they can be sincere friends with you while still trying to convert you. Evangelical vanilla monos will drop you as a friend if their mission of conversion fails.

But then she wanted to examine WHY she's so jealous and what caused that and prevented her from accepting other people wanted to live differently. Cuz she's not gay but she's ok with her cousin being gay. He lives different. Why was she having a hard time with this?

Oh she will tell you being gay and being a poly person who is "afraid" of commitment is obviously "different." My thought would be no shit poly and being gay are exclusively different. Sexual liberals are stating that heterosexuality supremacy and mono supremacy are two forms of ethical viewpoints based on delusions of moral supremacy.


Fortunately this vanilla monogamist doesn't view gay people as threatening the stability of romantic relationships because they don't fear gay people taking heterosexual husbands from their respective straight wives or heterosexual wives from their respective straight husbands. Gays will not increase the divorce rate in the straight world due to their homosexuality.
However, UNFORTUNATELY in their vanilla minds, swinging and poly will certainly will!!

 

[edpsy77]

You're BETTER Than Me!!

Sadly yes. We had good long term close friends (a couple) who were mono and we used to operate on a need to know basis with our friends as we had become poly after several years together. However, my wife started dating a guy they also knew and it was becoming a bit awkward and lots of other people knew so we opened up and told them. They seemed ok at first but over the next few weeks became distant and that unfortunately turned quickly into nastiness from one of them. Who told me bluntly when I invited them around, that they wanted nothing more to do with us as we were "weird" . These are people who we had shared close family happy and sad time with and "been there" for and vice versa.

However, it didn't stop there: nasty and untrue rumours were spread about us by them amongst a shared social group, and this led to us being ostracized from that group and certain " friends" refused to attend events if we were attending. We even had a wedding invite cancelled.

No actually 5 years later I don't give a flying fig , it was hurtful at the time, but we've made new friends and joined new social groups. And actually it has weirdly proven beneficial as it has allowed us to break out of certain insular behaviour and social groups.

We're open and honest these days and if people don't like our lifestyle that's their problem.

I wonder how many other people have experience the unfortunate events you and your SO have? Although there are polys who come out and are accepted by their family and friends, I have to believe they are in the minority. The data suggest a vast majority of people believe monogamy is practically and ethically superior to polyamory. They view polyamory as selfish and inherently prone to cheap disposablity. They moronically associate it with STDs even though polys have repeatedly stated that one does not have to have sex to be poly. This only creates a greater dedication to confront mono supremacy in many areas on YouTube as much as practically possible.

You are ostracized on ideas grounded in moral fiction not MORAL truth. That is fundamentally immoral but Lauren Southern and the other Neo-traditional values people are not worried about it in part because it is not as bad as the outright execution of polyamorous (non-married men and especially women) in Iran.

So I guess they are right because they are far less physically savage than them. I am a virgin and I think I have an obsession with exposing and mocking mono supremacy already. If I were a practicing poly amorous person like you I would be one of the most angriest persons ever. I would live a shorter life. I commend how you have handled this.

 

[PoundCake]

Are any of you in a friendship where your friend morally disagrees with poly and regularly have heated debates concerning monogamy and polyamory. I would love to read your experiences. Personally, I think it is extremely difficult to have a platonic relationship with someone who strongly disagrees with your lifestyle?

I have learned to not even share parts of myself with certain friends. I rather not leave the option for judgements as I don’t have the energy for moral police.

 

[edpsy77]

How about your close friends and close family members?

Hi edpsy77,

I am mostly not out to my friends and family, so I don't know who would or would not object to my being poly. The few who do know, seem to accept it just fine. I suppose I can think of a few who wouldn't approve, but honestly, why do they even need to know? It's not their business.

Kevin. I was thinking. If you have two primary partners that you love very much, you do want your close friends and close family members to know? Right. Perhaps you don't. But I would find it humiliating that I would have to hide one of my lovers because my good friends and family members would strongly disapprove.

 

[edpsy77]

I understand I am the same situation with my family

I have learned to not even share parts of myself with certain friends. I rather not leave the option for judgements as I don’t have the energy for moral police.

I do understand because I am not sharing my views with any of my close family members but I do find it in some ways humiliating. What happens if I find a relationship where I have two girlfriends? I would find it disappointing that I would feel the need to pretend I am only with one of them. I hope your certain friends are not close to you. That would be disappointing but I would understand and respect your decision.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from edpsy77):

"Kevin. I was thinking. If you have two primary partners that you love very much, you do want your close friends and close family members to know? Right. Perhaps you don't. But I would find it humiliating that I would have to hide one of my lovers because my good friends and family members would strongly disapprove."

If it was just up to me, I would be out to my family and friends. However, I have two poly companions who do not want to be out. I respect their wishes. Most people think I am just a close friend to them, that's how I play it. I didn't like playing it like that in the early years, but I got used to it. Now it's just a minor annoyance at worst.

 

[edpsy77]

I hear you

Re (from edpsy77):


If it was just up to me, I would be out to my family and friends. However, I have two poly companions who do not want to be out. I respect their wishes. Most people think I am just a close friend to them, that's how I play it. I didn't like playing it like that in the early years, but I got used to it. Now it's just a minor annoyance at worst.

I just glanced at an anti-poly article before writing this. You know I think your position is the common position in the poly community right now. Monos are convinced poly is at best a counterfeit happy relationship at worst overt absolute relationship nightmare!

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, society as a whole is not yet ready to accept polyamory. It's getting better, but there's a long way to go.

 

[vinsanity0]

I had a friend who was against poly, but it wasn't for moral reasons. He couldn't grasp letting his woman sleep with other guys. Ironic because he cheated on his gf constantly, and on his wife before that.

As for the morals thing, I took it one step farther. I dated a Christian woman who was opposed to poly. I was fine with being monogamous. However, apparently my being poly in the past ate away at her. The thing is she knew my late wife and I before. She knew how much we loved each other. Yet she became very vitriolic, telling me that wasn't love.

That post up there is a very accurate description of a lot of Christians. They KNOW the One True Way and become very angry when they see someone living happily in a way that is counter to their own. My theory is it makes them angry because it causes them to doubt the validity of their beliefs.

So I won't be dating any more women who identify as Christian.

 

[River]

They KNOW the One True Way [....] My theory is it makes them angry because it causes them to doubt the validity of their beliefs.

I think you're right about that. Many people have a very, very low tolerance for uncertainty, ambiguity and difference among people ... because it requires them to decide for themselves -- and think. This is the basis for the authoritarian personality, which always has the risk of manifesting socially and politically as fascism of some kind or another.

Probably most, but not all who identify as Christian have this tendency, I have found. It's not fair to the Christians to lump them all together this way. Some are actually quite open-minded -- though these may be relatively rare. And you can see the same dynamic in any organized religion, of course.

 

[vinsanity0]

I think of Christianity as a spectrum, not an absolute. A very devout Christian would say an open-minded Christian is not a true Christian.

I have been with Christian women in the past who were pretty lax. We didn't have problems for the most part. Of course I've had some tell me they were fine with me being an Atheist, but in the back of their mind they felt they might convert me eventually. But if someone tells me they are devoted to Christ I am walking away. That's fine for them, but I know (now especially) they won't let up. It would be the same for any religion or philosophy I didn't believe in. For instance, I could never date a Trump fan either.

 

[River]

I've had to resign myself to being both an atheist and a mystic. (A Nature mystic. But who has heard of such a thing?)

I prefer to call myself a non-theist, though. Just because I like to alienate myself and everyone else by using language more precisely than anyone within five hundred miles radius of my own location. No, it's not a funny joke. It's sad.

Yes, it was a joke, but hardly anyone gets my sense of humor.

It's not easy to take the road less travelled by.

 

[vinsanity0]

I default to atheist because even I can't explain exactly what I am.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I go with "apathetic agnostic"

 

[edpsy77]

Do you think being poly is more offensive?

I think of Christianity as a spectrum, not an absolute. A very devout Christian would say an open-minded Christian is not a true Christian.

I have been with Christian women in the past who were pretty lax. We didn't have problems for the most part. Of course I've had some tell me they were fine with me being an Atheist, but in the back of their mind they felt they might convert me eventually. But if someone tells me they are devoted to Christ I am walking away. That's fine for them, but I know (now especially) they won't let up. It would be the same for any religion or philosophy I didn't believe in. For instance, I could never date a Trump fan either.

Vinsanity, I have a question. Do you think being an atheist is more offensive to your peers than being poly?

 

[edpsy77]

Very Interesting I learn something new everyday

I had a friend who was against poly, but it wasn't for moral reasons. He couldn't grasp letting his woman sleep with other guys. Ironic because he cheated on his gf constantly, and on his wife before that.

I am just curious. Did he ever give you a reason why he "cheated" on his girlfriend and ex-wife?

As for the morals thing, I took it one step farther. I dated a Christian woman who was opposed to poly. I was fine with being monogamous. However, apparently my being poly in the past ate away at her.

It seems like she may have had security issues. She probably wondered if the women you were poly with, were better than her in (intelligence, looks, sex etc). Many monogamist cite this a a justification to MORALLY oppose poly. I find it immature and ridiculous.

 

[edpsy77]

Can you guess how many Americans are anti-poly?

Yeah, society as a whole is not yet ready to accept polyamory. It's getting better, but there's a long way to go.

I am guessing at least 80% of Americans oppose poly. I am certain that it is not less than 80%. What do you think?