Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Oh! I wanted to share as well, SirGawain’s FWB and I are now Facebook friends again. She messaged him last night saying she wanted to apologize how she treated me 3 years ago, and suddenly unfriended me. I told him to message her back and say apology accepted. I haven’t had time to chat with her yet, but I am super excited, because this was literally the most supportive and friendly metamour relationship I ever had. I loved her bunches back then. I’m hoping we can regain some of that closeness in the upcoming future. SirGawain says he hasn’t seen her in person in a couple of years, due to Covid and to her changing jobs. She lives over 3 hours away, so that’s a bummer.
 
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Wow, so okay. I was able to text with SirGawain’s FWB today. I should give her a name here - uh, shit. I hate thinking up names quick. ButterCup? Let’s go with that for now! Anyway, I am glad we got a chance to talk. I feel like before I post much I should go and reread what I’ve written about her in the past, but I don’t have time for that right now.

Today she shared some stuff with me that made my heart heavy for her, but then some other things that give me joy. I don’t want to be more specific than that. We got to talking about our shared love for SirGawain, and it’s clear she did a lot of lifting for him during his breakup with his toxic ex. She says she is thrilled I am back in his life, and I do believe her. When we were both with him years back, she was our biggest fan then.

At that point, SirGawain had floated the idea of a threesome, but between me and his toxic ex. In no way shape or form was I ever going to okay that, because being vulnerable with that insane partner of his would never be safe for me. Well, apparently he tried to get ButterCup into that as well, but she also didn’t hate herself, so she also declined. 😆Funny thing though, after ButterCup broke it off with SirGawain, I told him he was stupid because out of any metamour I ever had, I would have been down to play with her. Apparently the feeling was mutual!

This was a shock for me to find out. This turned our talk today flirty. I really enjoyed that. I consider myself straight though - I told her that in the past, and I told her that now. I actually only amended it after meeting her - 98% straight, 2% not, because of her and Gal Gadot. I was so into her intelligence and strength!

So, that’s kind of back on the table now. SirGawain is a shared concern of both of ours, and she is fully bisexual. We are just talking now, but we discussed about testing, etc, and she said she is going to go get that done next week! Oh my. I was also really into her husband three years ago, but we stopped talking once she broke things off with me. She was really in a bad headspace back then, and he had to devote everything to keeping her together. Which I understood then, and now. Honestly, I don’t remember what the two of us said back then - only that we felt crazy compatible over text and were looking forward to meeting.

So, anyway. I am interested in rebuilding both of these connections. I guess we will see how things go.

Actually, this morning I talked to the guy I had one date with and canceled on him tonight. I told him I was no longer interested because we really were having some communication issues, and late last night he tried changing around all of our plans - which I couldn’t do. It just seemed like pulling teeth and I was like, it’s exhausting and I don’t need that in my life right now. So I called it off for good with him. This was much earlier in the morning, before I spoke with ButterCup.

I did talk to SirGawain too, and he wants me to come over tonight anyway - my plan was to go on this date and then sleepover with SirGawain, so I didn’t have to drive back late. I miss his face like crazy, so I am happy to come over just to see him. And I guess now to talk about stuff with ButterCup.

Honestly, I’m both anxious and excited about having that discussion. My existing uncertainty is still there, about the possibility of SirGawain taking back his toxic ex. He’s reassured me as much as he can, but he legit still works on his “fuck you” speeches in his head to give to her, and 6 months - 9 months? - post breakup isn’t long enough for me to feel safe. He knows I feel this way, but there’s really not anything else to be done. He says he will just continue on and prove to me through time that I don’t have to worry about that. I spoke to ButterCup, and she says she is about 100% certain that toxic ex is never, ever going to come back and give that opportunity. That she has no further use for SirGawain and so she wouldn’t bother giving him any chance whatsoever to humiliate her.

So there’s that. Also, as titillating as the idea of group sex fun can be, I’ve also never had that sort of thing go on with someone I love or care about. It’s always just been with strangers when I mess around. And it’s never, ever been with a woman involved. And definitely not with a woman I like and respect a lot.

Lots to think about. Nothing urgent though, so I will see how this unfolds.
 
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I slept over at SirGawain’s place last night and I am dragging this morning! We stayed up half the night just talking - about the possible threesome and then later about mortality and estate planning. He was quite worked up about each, but for obvious opposite reasons.

We discussed hotel and travel logistics, and then whether or not SirGawain would be comfortable if ButterCup’s husband wanted to participate. He definitely isn’t okay with it - he says it’s put him off group stuff in the past. He doesn’t think he’d be able to perform with another guy involved. He did say that if I wanted to mess around with the husband, that he would step out and give space for that. We also talked about what he imagined happening, what positions he absolutely wanted to experience, and what wouldn’t be okay. I told him about my own misgivings, and what I thought might be fun. There will be more conversations coming up, I am sure!

I was super horny thinking about this stuff all day yesterday, and when DarkKnight came home he had something in his water because he flipped me around on the couch and bent me over. He did something crazy wild with his hands and had me freaking out, gushing all over the place. I’m glad, because as I said, all SirGawain and I did was talk later that night. It had been a while with DarkKnight, so that made it all the more amazing to finally have him inside me again. He finished in my mouth, towering over me while he jerked it in my face. Fucking HOT.

SirGawain was in a mood where he wanted to talk about end stage planning, and he said statistically I was probably going to outlive my partners. This upset me, but I didn’t say anything. He wanted to share about his grandfather’s passing, and his own paperwork & planning he did last Fall. He was very upset about the lack of a family in his life, and how much of his time he spent with his toxic ex over the years. I wasn’t quite sure what to say about any of that. I’m behind on my own living will stuff - in Maryland those things need to be updated every year - and it’s made me a bit squirrelly as well, not gonna lie.

Ugh. Anyway, I’m fucking tired today. I took DarkKnight to work this morning and I camped out on the couch to finish preliminary ordering for my Sunshine Project - for the little girl that passed away. I got stickers designed and ordered (they say “In loving memory of” along with her name, with a unicorn and rainbow on them) plus I ordered 4 of each of the 9 books I picked out for the wish list. I plan to go live with stuff once the first sets arrive and I can show the stickers on the inside covers and which Little Libraries around town will get them. I’m hoping that lots of people will order some books so I can continually refresh and refill over time.

I also made a post about needing more air conditioners - it’s supposed to get up to 93 degrees today and I am worried about some of the elderly still waiting for help on the list. That’s just too damn hot. I hope some get donated!
 
Yuck. It was super hot out today, but I did hear from the repair company and the parts for my central air unit should be here Wednesday. They’ll call me then and schedule someone to fix this shit. Yay! Hopefully that will keep us going another year and we won’t have to shell out 10k for a new unit yet.

I got my Stitch Fix today and I was super excited about it. I kept three pieces - including a black jumpsuit. It was funny because a friend gave me the exact same one in navy blue, so now I have two. I wouldn’t have bought this new one, except I had a $100 credit, so it was free.

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I’m feeling down today but it’s not because of the rain. I’m actually very happy to see rain - it will slow my visitor count and I will have time to focus on getting things organized in my overflow room. I can’t pinpoint why I feel this way. Maybe I need hugs. Or lunch. Probably both. 🤷‍♀️

I’m supposed to go tonight to SirGawain’s. I was planning to sleepover later in the week, but with my Stitch Fix order came a sweet coupon, so I want to help get him signed up. He definitely needs a complete wardrobe overhaul. It was amazing to see MisterMoonbeam go through the process, and now he looks really great, no matter what activity we are going to do together. I am really wanting to see that upgrade happen for SirGawain! I know some new clothes will help his mental health, self-esteem, and well, looking amazing in your clothes helps with dating, for sure.
 
BEST.BUTTSEX.EVER.

SirGawain thought I was making stuff up when I told him I couldn’t remember anal with him from 3-4 years ago. I mean, I remember it was good and he was good at it, but other than that, I couldn’t pinpoint a specific instance or thing he did that made it great. He thought I was joking, but I apparently don’t store that sort of thing long term - unless a dude has a weird-shaped or crazy-sized dick, or it’s some sort of over-the-top technique, it just all gets labeled in a generic “good” or “bad” spot in my brain. How I ever forgot this though - DAMN.

His dick is THE absolute best shape and size for anal. Just girthy enough to make squeezing in delightful, but slim enough to have the sliding in feel smooth. And holy shit, the pounding - he’s like a fucking jackrabbit back there. Full on bam bam all up in and out of my ass!

YES PLEASE
 
Day 1 of my period. Ugh. Interesting that I didn’t have any PMS symptoms this time. Instead they all hit me at once today. I am so anxious over NOTHING. I hate how this happens every month. That said, hopefully it will dissipate quickly since it didn’t happen the whole week before this sucker was due.
 
Day 1 of my period. Ugh. Interesting that I didn’t have any PMS symptoms this time. Instead they all hit me at once today. I am so anxious over NOTHING. I hate how this happens every month. That said, hopefully it will dissipate quickly since it didn’t happen the whole week before this sucker was due.
I become crazy, If I could be with you. as I am not exist in USA but want to enjoy online. You may E-mail me personal for privacy. If you not hate or ignored
 
Please don’t comment in my journal. I am not looking to talk to you.
 
I’m dragging this morning, following a night of cramps and anxiety. Ugh. When I finally fell asleep, it was with MisterMoonbeam completely wrapped around me. I wish I had been feeling better, because he was very yummy!

I feel motivated this morning, which is a good thing, because I have a lot to do! I have two volunteers scheduled to help, so that will ensure something gets done. Lol I can’t physically get through my sliding door again, into the overflow room - we had a LOT of donations from the consignment shop yesterday. I also have at least 3-4 messages about furniture pickups that I am going to need to get on the delivery schedule. I also think I have received almost all of the $300 worth of children’s books I ordered for the Sunshine project (for the little girl who passed). I know there’s still a stack that isn’t arriving until Monday, and the stickers haven’t shown up yet. I need to get that stuff all organized.

Tomorrow is payday for both my nesting partners, so that means I will be paying bills in the morning. I need to get my budget in order. MisterMoonbeam will have the day off, so we are planning to work on sorting his 12 totes of holiday decorations that are in the basement, and the 4-5 tubs of it in the back of his van. In the evening he and LittleMichigan are going to a drum circle and labyrinth walk in Frederick together. My actual plans for this weekend aren’t solid yet - my son *might* be moving on Sunday but we are waiting for our gamer friend to close on his house today, before figuring out the logistics. I know I want to get a hike in!
 
17 totes of Christmas decorations! And I thought I had a lot!
 
There’s actually more than that…but it’s a combination of Halloween and Christmas. The last time we worked on these, I got as much as I could in matching totes. We didn’t get rid of much of anything at all - just changed containers until we ran out of totes! So what we have in this unfinished side of the basement is at least neat. But there’s more under the basement stair space, and then everything in MisterMoonbeam’s van. He has agreed to prune down to just this area. It’s an emotional thing for him - it all belonged to his late wife. However, now seems like a good time to get a handle on it. He has checked with their kids and they don’t want any of it, so he can pass it on with no guilt.

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I call this the unfinished side of the basement, but it’s got a poured concrete floor and an open ceiling.

I actually really love this shelving/tote set up. I want to do something similar in our shed for the Blessing Box.
 
That looks nice and and neat, but even as a collector of vintage things, I think the emotional attachment to things he will never use is troublesome. I'm glad he's considering letting go. It's nice of you to store all this stuff in your basement, of a woman you never met! Wow.
 
That looks nice and and neat, but even as a collector of vintage things, I think the emotional attachment to things he will never use is troublesome. I'm glad he's considering letting go. It's nice of you to store all this stuff in your basement, of a woman you never met! Wow.

Well, she passed in the Fall of 2019. He’s still raw in places. He is in a MUCH better place emotionally now, but grief comes and goes in waves. He’s in therapy.

I don’t mind storing things when we have the space. There’s nothing to be gained by rushing through healing. And, the cost of the storage unit is crazypants. We have to get through this stuff so we can move on to the next wave of boxes to come out of there - her jewelry-making business and art supplies. Those we will be selling off most of, I think. Her friends had a chance to take a large quantity of it during the moving process, but it literally fills half a 480 sq ft storage locker - to the ceiling. We need to get it done soon, as the cost of the storage unit can then be paid toward a new car for MisterMoonbeam.
 
Okay, bins sorted! We had 3 of all of those totes devoted to Christmas, and we got those down to 2.5. So no extra space on the shelving unit, but there is room in one for more decorations! The 9 other totes were all Halloween! We got those emptied down to 5. There’s a small pile to go to the coven he left behind in Fredericksburg, and a big table full of stuff to give away through the Blessing Box. This is an issue because my shed is already bursting and I have got to find time to sort it all next week! I am hoping to set up a similar storage set up in there with shelving and totes. It will cost like $400 so I hope I can find sponsors.

We still have all of the totes under the staircase to worry about, but I am done with this nonsense for now.
 
I’ve been reading a bunch of online articles and I am still pretty confused about what is going on with me lately. I’m feeling uncomfortable with the idea that maybe I am not as straight as I always thought I was. What does this mean? There are too many labels to choose from. Am I bisexual, because I want to have sex with this woman? Or is that too broad a label, since she is the only woman I have ever felt this way about, ever? I’ve not felt horny about another woman in the past. But maybe I could be? I don’t know.

I want to schedule time to drive and visit her and her husband platonically and see if things are still the way they were for me when we were talking a few years ago - where I was crazy horny over the both of them. Maybe this is a moot point now because in person that spark might not be there anymore. It’s been a while.

I know just texting has been good - I do still want to have sex with her. But it’s really hard to work out a label in my own head. Can I say I’m bisexual if I’m like 98% into dudes? Maybe that would change as I explore this, but maybe not. Is pansexual a better description?

This is really bugging me.
 
It's a documented phenomenon that women's sexualities can shift in middle age. Specifically, sexual orientation.
 
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That’s interesting to know. I don’t feel any different in a significant way, but I am confused! I’m cool with the “questioning” label for now. I asked for assistance in a Poly Facebook group, and someone posted this, which was helpful.

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I like labels; they help me keep order in my world. I am not sure I am ready to take on a new one yet. I don’t see anything about this as “taking on a new identity” though. I’m still just me, but this is definitely a part I don’t recognize. Someone else mentioned “bi panic” which I guess is a thing too! I’m just going to see where this goes and freak out from time to time. 😆 I don’t feel like a whole different person, I just feel this one facet has made itself known and I need to give it some attention and thought. It makes me anxious because it’s new.

I got to see BugGirl today for the first time in a month! She earned her way out of orientation level at rehab and she can now have weekly visits. She asked me to come by myself this first time and we had a 2 hour discussion. She is doing so well! I am super happy and proud of her. I shared with her about my crush on ButterCup and she was encouraging.

I wanted to share pics of my Stitch Fix jumpsuits. I think I posted earlier that I ended up with two of the same brand, just in different colors!

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I really love them both, but they have spaghetti straps, which don’t pair well with the bras I need to support my titties. Lol I always need to have something covering the straps because they most definitely show. As you can see, my hair is naturally white now and I am still questioning that too - if I should switch back and start recoloring it red again. I think all 3 of my partners would like that, but I really like not having to pay $100 every 5 weeks to touch up!
 
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