Welcome.
I mean all this kindly, ok?
She's being honest. I think you could be honest back. That you struggle with the proposal. That you understand and respect those who choose this lifestyle. That you aren't sure it is for you. So you have to have some time to think on it. It is ok to be hesitant. It's ok to ask for more time to consider.
You could read things.
Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com
Books like
Opening Up.
It's also ok to consider and still say "Thank you for giving me time. I've read and considered. No, thanks. This isn't for me."
Because maybe it's just a dealbreaker for you. This wasn't "the original deal" when you got married. So maybe that deal is done for you. And this new deal being presented? You are gonna pass.
Deciding to open a marriage is not like "add a third" or whatever.
It's deliberately breaking up (even if not legally.) Disbanding the old relationship model. In favor of a new one.
What kind of
open model is she even suggesting?
Whatever it is? You have to do your own soul searching. Because if you aren't sure this is for you? You can do two things.
- Say "No, thanks" because "I'm not sure, I'm hesitant" is not "joyful yes" consent to me. You can skip all the side trip stuff because you already know your own self and this is not for you.
- Say "I'm not sure, but willing to try to see if I'm actually able. "
- And it goes ok and you carry on.
- It goes kinda "meh" on your end. Then you have to decide if all the work is worth it or if you prefer a simpler life. Because let's face it -- more people, more variables? Means more people, more variables. More schedules to juggle, more intensity, more emotions, just MORE.
- It goes super bad and you bow out.
Not trying to be mean. Just saying... be realistic.
We are currently doing couple’s therapy and have for most of the last couple years. We realize that both of our needs are not currently being met.
Why are you doing couple's therapy? Are you both meeting those goals? Are you trying to open up from strong foundations or are things shaky here already? Because open/poly has a way of shining a light on all the cracks.
How is your life balance here? Do you each have meaningful work and/or volunteering? Do you each have meaningful relationships with family and friends? Is the parenting load balanced? Are you all in good health?
Sometimes I've seen people trying to do poly like a "bandaid" when there's marriage problems. So they can move on to other partners while avoiding getting a divorce. But poly's not supposed to be like a "crutch" to help you "endure" marriage. Or like a "soft exit" to line up a new partner before dumping the old one.
Our children are 2 and 4.
She just finished the first trimester. She is currently pregnant with our third. It was really odd to me that she first asked to open our marriage when we knew she was about a month pregnant. It’s was a shock to me to initially hear.
Kids at 4, 2, and pregnant? That's a lot. Does she regret becoming a mother? Or a mother to so many? Is she trying to "escape" the pressures of children/parenting?
I know everyone is different. But for me? If poly partners weren't here before kids, they weren't gonna be til active parenting was done. I'm getting close to that, and GLAD because it's been a long run of parenting. I'm looking forward to empty nest. But I don't regret providing stability in the home for children.
Which includes skipping kids being bothered or bullied at school because of parent decisions (ex: your parents are weird, your mom's a slut, etc) or nosy parker relatives (ex: grandparents) mad about the poly trying to wrest child custody away. Sometimes people don't even think ahead to that. They just imagine some kind of kumbaya thing happening.
My wife’s reasons for wanting to be poly are consistent with what I have been learning, like she doesn’t think one person can or should have to meet all her needs. She feels like part of her is dying and she is going crazy. She feels like opening our relationship will keep her sane.
Maybe.
Or... it's ANOTHER energy drain. Because dating takes time and effort, and then if you do make connections? Here's this
other person to attend to now.
Or it keeps her sane... and makes you crazy. Then what?
Or it works out just fine.
These are things you have to talk about calmly though and
really think. Because you cannot predict the outcome.
She was going out with friends a lot before, staying out on weekends until the bars and clubs closed at around 5AM. I wasn’t comfortable with that even before we had discussed opening up. She felt like I was trying to control her by setting boundaries like checking in.
Like all the time? Cuz once in a while is one thing. But staying out late all the time leaving you to do all the night parenting is another.
Why's it a big a deal to her to put her stuff on a google calendar or leave a note on the fridge for where she'll be and when to expect her home? Text or call if running late? Does she want to behave like she's a free agent?
How's that gonna work with multiple partners? Cuz calendar and time management can be pretty vital in open/poly.
I really don’t want to divorce, but I’m just not sure if this way of life would work for me. Again, I’ll appreciate any advice, perspectives, or suggestions you think might be helpful.
If people go boating, they usually have life preservers. Nobody WANTS to fall out of the boat. But best to plan ahead to have them and not need, right?
You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.
So even if neither of you wants a divorce? I think you could talk it over anyway. What do we do if we go there, and then things go wahoonie? Then what?
I find people who can talk that out calmly do better at staying together or have better partings. Because they don't wait til the shit hits the fan to finally make the emergency plan.
If you do decide to give this a try? Best to have your divorce plan, some of the finances separated, agreements about the children, common property, etc. already settled. Because you just can't know how it will turn out ahead of time.
Maybe you make the plan and it is never needed. It just gives you some peace of mind while making the foray into open/poly.
But if it ends up a mess and you do need it? Well, it's made already. And don't have to go into all that with hot heads or upset or revenge-y like some divorcing people do. You spare yourselves that much at least.
Def think about the load.
Because if deep down you don't want to go there? Don't.
Divorce sucks, and that is already a load.
But to try on poly just to avoid breaking up? That's not a good reason to poly. And then it's like doing double load when it could have been single load. YKWIM?
I suggest you do your soul searching and then have the conversation you need to be having with your wife.
Galagirl