ReturnMetoEarth
New member
Hello everyone! I'm sorry this is going to be a long post. I hope that's acceptable!
I'm new to both this board and the poly-open world of dating I've always had traditional relationships until now. It started as an attempt at a monogamous relationship between me and a man I originally slept with because I'd never just done something like that.
We both wound up really liking each other considerably and when I sought a relationship he stated he couldn't do anything monogamous. I was discouraged for a while and it ended up getting us into spats often. We always kept coming back. I've always been insecure about being replaced in all of my relationships. It stems from years of once being someone's best friend or love and then all of the sudden they find someone else and it's like I didn't exist anymore.
After having yet another spat over it I was about to leave forever, I could only see it from one side because Monogamy had always been pushed on me my whole life. He's told me before when I tried to make him choose between being with me and making us official (even though in reality he was only sleeping with me anyway) and that "fantasy" he'd say I was the only girl he wanted to actually date and be with in that capacity, but he didn't want to compromise who he was too. Which was his desire to sleep with other women.
He abstained from that desire because he didn't want to hurt me but he was miserable all the time. I've never considered myself a jealous person, I didn't care that he had female friends and that he hung out with them or even that he was sexually attracted to them. After really thinking hard and knowing I needed to change something in my life and soon I realized I didn't actually care about the sex. It's the fear he'll decide he likes someone else more and I'll be pushed aside.
But he abstained this whole time and lived through misery and still treated me well. I finally broke down and discussed it with him about my insecurities and said if it could be just sex and I would be the main person I actually wouldn't be bothered by it.
I told him I needed to buildup that trust to reassure me and as long as I felt secure that I wasn't going to get thrown away I could give him what he wanted too. I really just want him. He makes me happy by himself. I want him to be happy too but I want to set those boundaries. I'm new to this and I know honesty and setting those boundaries we can both agree on is one of the most important things when getting started.
I don't want to just come at him with a list of rules I made for him and it feel like I'm dictating what he can and can't do but I also have boundaries I'd like to set to make it more comfortable for me.
I've come to this forum with the hope that I can get some advice and what has worked or hasn't for others. My intial knee-jerk reaction is to set boundaries that limit intimacy like staying the night, kissing, or date-like occurrences to kind of safety net myself but I also don't want him to feel like I've got him by the neck and he feels tied down like I own him.
I want to set boundaries that put me at ease but don't make him feel smothered I guess? I'm still so new to it and before anyone says I'm doing it to fix something... I'm not. I genuinely want him to be happy like he tries for me. I'm just struggling with putting my needs and his together instead of one of us being happy and the other miserable. We both care for each other deeply and want to work something out that makes us both happy.
I'll happily accept any advice this lovely community has to offer! I'm sorry this post was so long! I just wanted to make sure there was enough information and insight to base advice. Thank you so much if you took the time to read this!!
I'm new to both this board and the poly-open world of dating I've always had traditional relationships until now. It started as an attempt at a monogamous relationship between me and a man I originally slept with because I'd never just done something like that.
We both wound up really liking each other considerably and when I sought a relationship he stated he couldn't do anything monogamous. I was discouraged for a while and it ended up getting us into spats often. We always kept coming back. I've always been insecure about being replaced in all of my relationships. It stems from years of once being someone's best friend or love and then all of the sudden they find someone else and it's like I didn't exist anymore.
After having yet another spat over it I was about to leave forever, I could only see it from one side because Monogamy had always been pushed on me my whole life. He's told me before when I tried to make him choose between being with me and making us official (even though in reality he was only sleeping with me anyway) and that "fantasy" he'd say I was the only girl he wanted to actually date and be with in that capacity, but he didn't want to compromise who he was too. Which was his desire to sleep with other women.
He abstained from that desire because he didn't want to hurt me but he was miserable all the time. I've never considered myself a jealous person, I didn't care that he had female friends and that he hung out with them or even that he was sexually attracted to them. After really thinking hard and knowing I needed to change something in my life and soon I realized I didn't actually care about the sex. It's the fear he'll decide he likes someone else more and I'll be pushed aside.
But he abstained this whole time and lived through misery and still treated me well. I finally broke down and discussed it with him about my insecurities and said if it could be just sex and I would be the main person I actually wouldn't be bothered by it.
I told him I needed to buildup that trust to reassure me and as long as I felt secure that I wasn't going to get thrown away I could give him what he wanted too. I really just want him. He makes me happy by himself. I want him to be happy too but I want to set those boundaries. I'm new to this and I know honesty and setting those boundaries we can both agree on is one of the most important things when getting started.
I don't want to just come at him with a list of rules I made for him and it feel like I'm dictating what he can and can't do but I also have boundaries I'd like to set to make it more comfortable for me.
I've come to this forum with the hope that I can get some advice and what has worked or hasn't for others. My intial knee-jerk reaction is to set boundaries that limit intimacy like staying the night, kissing, or date-like occurrences to kind of safety net myself but I also don't want him to feel like I've got him by the neck and he feels tied down like I own him.
I want to set boundaries that put me at ease but don't make him feel smothered I guess? I'm still so new to it and before anyone says I'm doing it to fix something... I'm not. I genuinely want him to be happy like he tries for me. I'm just struggling with putting my needs and his together instead of one of us being happy and the other miserable. We both care for each other deeply and want to work something out that makes us both happy.
I'll happily accept any advice this lovely community has to offer! I'm sorry this post was so long! I just wanted to make sure there was enough information and insight to base advice. Thank you so much if you took the time to read this!!