How do I tell my husband?

[Evie]

So your marriage is a little broken.
Usually, it's a bad idea to add romantic partners to your life when your primary residence relationship isn't overly functional.
Do you want to be poly, or do you want someone to help you leave your marriage? Asking without judgement, simply to see if this resonates with you.

 

[dingedheart]

truth is, I didn't talk to him cause I also never felt safe to do it. And that tells me a lot about the type of relationship I am in. That I don't feel safe enough to talk things with the one person I should be able to trust? that speaks miles about our problems, to begin with.

I take it from the part you quoted and from your response that his reactions / being pissed is more of physical safety issue than say a heated and emotional argument. And yes that speaks of the relationship you have Or want to tolerate.

My point was the fact you discussed this with potential Bf first no matter what your reason seems like a low level crime you committed a month ago. Like speeding you did 2 weeks ago. It’s NOT super relevant in terms of the information being delivered In the here and now. Sure you can attach mean ( which you have ) he can attach his own mean ( which he might ) will it help move things forward ??

 

[GalaGirl]

Specially cause he always felt very threatened by my male friends but not women, even though he knows that ocasionally I like women too. And I always thought that talked miles about his issues and insecurities.

You knew all this while dating him? I guess I wonder what you hoped might change in him after marriage that didn't change?

I don't think im being spied on or anything, and I do have my freedoms under the pretense "go do what you want and deal with my mood afterwards". but mainly, it feels really bad knowing i am married into a relationship where I can't be myself because I'm going to be badly judged.

So the expectation for you to just deal with his moods? Or just lump it?

And the expectation for him is to just carry the inecurities around for the rest of his life? Or try to sweep them under the rug?

I wonder why both of you are willing to go along with burdens like that.

truth is, I didn't talk to him cause I also never felt safe to do it. And that tells me a lot about the type of relationship I am in. That I don't feel safe enough to talk things with the one person I should be able to trust? that speaks miles about our problems, to begin with.

Does he view this as a problem? Or just as something else you are expected to just deal with? Or just lump it?

How willing is he to work on this?

And at this juncture... would that be enough? Or like too little too late for you? Not trying to be mean or a wet blanket or anything.

Just... doesn't sound so hot in your marriage right now. That doesn't sound like the best time to start doing poly.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello bananafish,

I suppose what you tell your husband is, something like, "Honey, I have recently realized that I am polyamorous -- that I want to live polyamorously." Then if he has any questions, you can answer those, and if he blows up, that is his shortcoming, you did the best that you could.

Of course if he says, "No, I do not consent to you being polyamorous," you will have to stay monogamous -- unless you decide to divorce him. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Gmeter]

Bananafish, I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. Looks like you are at a crossroad in your life and I wish you the best. Keep in mind, many others have been in your position. Me included.

I was lucky. I introduced the idea to my wife. She was taken by surprised by it and refused it at first. For almost a month, she was very quiet and wouldn't talk to me much. I thought we were heading to divorce.

Then, she started asking me questions about it. Her attitude with these questions started off derogatory, then slowly became genuine curiosity.

Long story short, that was years ago and she and I have had several polyamorus relationships since. The reason the relationships were numerous is because I was a pilot in the military. It was never hard to find a single guy (member of my squadron) to move in with us and be a long term, polyamorus threesome with me and my wife. However, the Air Force liked to move us around a lot.

If I was your husband, your admission would intrigue me, and I would definitely consider it. I have no problem with my wife loving another man. She is fully capable of loving more than one man at a time.

Good luck. I hope your husband sees it the way I do. I have no doubt all of us on this thread would like you to keep us up to date.

 

[Magdlyn]

Bananafish, I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. Looks like you are at a crossroad in your life and I wish you the best. Keep in mind, many others have been in your position. Me included.

I was lucky. I introduced the idea to my wife. She was taken by surprised by it and refused it at first. For almost a month, she was very quiet and wouldn't talk to me much. I thought we were heading to divorce.

Then, she started asking me questions about it. Her attitude with these questions started off derogatory, then slowly became genuine curiosity.

Long story short, that was years ago and she and I have had several polyamorus relationships since. The reason the relationships were numerous is because I was a pilot in the military. It was never hard to find a single guy (member of my squadron) to move in with us and be a long term, polyamorus threesome with me and my wife. However, the Air Force liked to move us around a lot.

If I was your husband, your admission would intrigue me, and I would definitely consider it. I have no problem with my wife loving another man. She is fully capable of loving more than one man at a time.

Good luck. I hope your husband sees it the way I do. I have no doubt all of us on this thread would like you to keep us up to date.

The lore goes that the modern polyamory movement had some roots in the military in WW2. Some soldiers consented to their wives hooking up with a buddy or two, so that, if he didn't return from a mission, she'd have a man in place to support her. This just seems practical! So many women, especially in the olden days, were in such a bad position when they became widowed.