How do I tell my husband?

[Evie]

So your marriage is a little broken.
Usually, it's a bad idea to add romantic partners to your life when your primary residence relationship isn't overly functional.
Do you want to be poly, or do you want someone to help you leave your marriage? Asking without judgement, simply to see if this resonates with you.

 

[dingedheart]

truth is, I didn't talk to him cause I also never felt safe to do it. And that tells me a lot about the type of relationship I am in. That I don't feel safe enough to talk things with the one person I should be able to trust? that speaks miles about our problems, to begin with.

I take it from the part you quoted and from your response that his reactions / being pissed is more of physical safety issue than say a heated and emotional argument. And yes that speaks of the relationship you have Or want to tolerate.

My point was the fact you discussed this with potential Bf first no matter what your reason seems like a low level crime you committed a month ago. Like speeding you did 2 weeks ago. It’s NOT super relevant in terms of the information being delivered In the here and now. Sure you can attach mean ( which you have ) he can attach his own mean ( which he might ) will it help move things forward ??

 

[GalaGirl]

Specially cause he always felt very threatened by my male friends but not women, even though he knows that ocasionally I like women too. And I always thought that talked miles about his issues and insecurities.

You knew all this while dating him? I guess I wonder what you hoped might change in him after marriage that didn't change?

I don't think im being spied on or anything, and I do have my freedoms under the pretense "go do what you want and deal with my mood afterwards". but mainly, it feels really bad knowing i am married into a relationship where I can't be myself because I'm going to be badly judged.

So the expectation for you to just deal with his moods? Or just lump it?

And the expectation for him is to just carry the inecurities around for the rest of his life? Or try to sweep them under the rug?

I wonder why both of you are willing to go along with burdens like that.

truth is, I didn't talk to him cause I also never felt safe to do it. And that tells me a lot about the type of relationship I am in. That I don't feel safe enough to talk things with the one person I should be able to trust? that speaks miles about our problems, to begin with.

Does he view this as a problem? Or just as something else you are expected to just deal with? Or just lump it?

How willing is he to work on this?

And at this juncture... would that be enough? Or like too little too late for you? Not trying to be mean or a wet blanket or anything.

Just... doesn't sound so hot in your marriage right now. That doesn't sound like the best time to start doing poly.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello bananafish,

I suppose what you tell your husband is, something like, "Honey, I have recently realized that I am polyamorous -- that I want to live polyamorously." Then if he has any questions, you can answer those, and if he blows up, that is his shortcoming, you did the best that you could.

Of course if he says, "No, I do not consent to you being polyamorous," you will have to stay monogamous -- unless you decide to divorce him. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Gmeter]

Bananafish, I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. Looks like you are at a crossroad in your life and I wish you the best. Keep in mind, many others have been in your position. Me included.

I was lucky. I introduced the idea to my wife. She was taken by surprised by it and refused it at first. For almost a month, she was very quiet and wouldn't talk to me much. I thought we were heading to divorce.

Then, she started asking me questions about it. Her attitude with these questions started off derogatory, then slowly became genuine curiosity.

Long story short, that was years ago and she and I have had several polyamorus relationships since. The reason the relationships were numerous is because I was a pilot in the military. It was never hard to find a single guy (member of my squadron) to move in with us and be a long term, polyamorus threesome with me and my wife. However, the Air Force liked to move us around a lot.

If I was your husband, your admission would intrigue me, and I would definitely consider it. I have no problem with my wife loving another man. She is fully capable of loving more than one man at a time.

Good luck. I hope your husband sees it the way I do. I have no doubt all of us on this thread would like you to keep us up to date.

 

[Magdlyn]

Bananafish, I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. Looks like you are at a crossroad in your life and I wish you the best. Keep in mind, many others have been in your position. Me included.

I was lucky. I introduced the idea to my wife. She was taken by surprised by it and refused it at first. For almost a month, she was very quiet and wouldn't talk to me much. I thought we were heading to divorce.

Then, she started asking me questions about it. Her attitude with these questions started off derogatory, then slowly became genuine curiosity.

Long story short, that was years ago and she and I have had several polyamorus relationships since. The reason the relationships were numerous is because I was a pilot in the military. It was never hard to find a single guy (member of my squadron) to move in with us and be a long term, polyamorus threesome with me and my wife. However, the Air Force liked to move us around a lot.

If I was your husband, your admission would intrigue me, and I would definitely consider it. I have no problem with my wife loving another man. She is fully capable of loving more than one man at a time.

Good luck. I hope your husband sees it the way I do. I have no doubt all of us on this thread would like you to keep us up to date.

The lore goes that the modern polyamory movement had some roots in the military in WW2. Some soldiers consented to their wives hooking up with a buddy or two, so that, if he didn't return from a mission, she'd have a man in place to support her. This just seems practical! So many women, especially in the olden days, were in such a bad position when they became widowed.

 

[abcrazy]

Personally I think any soft approach or foundational work is a waste of time because there is an active romance in the air and the OP‘s husband feels it and is threatened by it. WHAT work what words are going to to rewind the clock pre special friend that’s going to be believable or credible? I hate to sound cynical here but anything but the cold hard truth in a blunt fashion will seem like just spin and or tactics with a forgone plan in mind.

PLUS ....why work on a relationship or marriage that is about to change forever. As we say here all the time once you go down this road the old marriage is dead and NOT coming back start building the new relationship and or new marriage. So drop the bomb and start building the new relationship and new marriage Life is too short to being hiding and repressing your true self.

GOOD luck

That was beautifuly put. We all think we can go back to " normal " if things don't work out but once you've so drastically changed things going back is not a real option.

 

[bananafish]

hello friends.
i wanted to let you know that i did, tell my husband, that is.

bomb hit the ground and everything is very uncertain right now, but at least i can be grateful for lessons learned.
first of all, being for the first time in the role of the bad person, or the villain, or the cheater, or the person that is married and loves someone else... i've always judged people who did this very hard, beginning with my own father. i think i can see things from a different perspective now. we can make better or worse decisions, but in the end, nobody is to blame when things change and relationships transform.
second, telling the truth sucks. but it would have been even worse if i had to keep going with things bottled up in me. i can't say im feeling better now than before, but im certain there will come a time in life when i will be grateful that i made this choice. or at least that's what im hoping.
third, it is really hard to make someone you love hurt. by nature, i tend to please others. i realized i've been prioritizing others feelings before my own for my entire life. so, if anything, im taking this time as an opportunity to work on myself. i don't think there's much i can do, relationship wise, right now. whatever i try to say seems to make things worst.

husband is shocked, and angry, and disappointed. he feels he's been wasting time. he wants some space to feel things out but he is certain irreparable damage was made. which might be true. i don't know where we are heading but things are certainly going to change.

anyways. i wanted to thank you all for your support and advice. hope things work out well for me in the long run.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm glad you spoke your truth.

You don't sound like you were esp. happy in this marriage how it was -- not feeling safe there, bottled up, etc.

husband is shocked, and angry, and disappointed. he feels he's been wasting time. he wants some space to feel things out but he is certain irreparable damage was made. which might be true. i don't know where we are heading but things are certainly going to change.

Yes. I can understand this is a shock for husband to hear. That you think parts of the marriage are broken, you lack emotional/mental intimacy in it, you haven't felt safe enough to share in it without him having a cow, you are tired of people pleasing and want to work on yourself, that you have this friend crush... it's a lot of stuff coming out that may have been pending for a long time.

If he hasn't been interested in your inner life and what's going on with you before ? It's a surprise/shock to hear it all.

anyways. i wanted to thank you all for your support and advice. hope things work out well for me in the long run.

I don't know if you can both work through this and stay together or if it is a crossroads place and you'll have to part ways because you both have grown incompatible over time.

However it turns out with this particular relationship? Over the long run, I do hope that things do get better for you.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi bananafish,

Good for you for telling your husband, I'm so sorry that he did not react well. Just give him some space for now, and prepare yourself for the possibility that he might decide to divorce. I hope he doesn't do that, but you should be prepared just in case.

Also, I don't know exactly what you told your husband, I assume you told him you wanted to be poly, I don't know if you told him about your feelings for your friend, and maybe there were other things you told him as well. I just hope he gives it some fair consideration.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

telling the truth sucks. but it would have been even worse if i had to keep going with things bottled up in me. i can't say im feeling better now than before, but im certain there will come a time in life when i will be grateful that i made this choice. or at least that's what im hoping.

once you step back from the wreckage and there’s time and distance from it I’m sure that will be the case. And that time might not be that far off....a few months or less than a yr.

husband is shocked, and angry, and disappointed. he feels he's been wasting time. he wants some space to feel things out but he is certain irreparable damage was made. which might be true. i don't know where we are heading but things are certainly going to change.

I think giving each other space and figuring out how the new dynamic will fit into your life or lives is a really good idea. I really get behind the idea of trial separations especially if kids aren’t involved I mean it’s still a good idea it’s just easier without kids. Maybe he needs to taste life without you for a while to wake him up.

anyways. i wanted to thank you all for your support and advice. hope things work out well for me in the long run.

One of your fears was losing both your husband the budding bf in the bomb blast. Whats the situation with the Bf. Is he sticking with you/ this ?

 

[tdh]

first of all, being for the first time in the role of the bad person, or the villain, or the cheater, or the person that is married and loves someone else... i've always judged people who did this very hard, beginning with my own father.

Combining "married and loves someone else" = bad person is setting yourself up for self hate and failure down the line. Be careful how harshly you judge yourself as what you say to yourself tends to manifest. The fact is you are married and you have found someone else interesting. You are not your father. You are not the people you have judged in this same way even if you now see your judgement as unjust. The judgement/name calling is not fact but interpretation and you might even punish yourself in the non-fun way with this type of self talk.

 

[bananafish]

Combining "married and loves someone else" = bad person is setting yourself up for self hate and failure down the line. Be careful how harshly you judge yourself as what you say to yourself tends to manifest. The fact is you are married and you have found someone else interesting. You are not your father. You are not the people you have judged in this same way even if you now see your judgement as unjust. The judgement/name calling is not fact but interpretation and you might even punish yourself in the non-fun way with this type of self talk.

its true. i am certainly feeling a lot of self hate. i will keep this in mind, thank you

 

[bananafish]

once you step back from the wreckage and there’s time and distance from it I’m sure that will be the case. And that time might not be that far off....a few months or less than a yr.



I think giving each other space and figuring out how the new dynamic will fit into your life or lives is a really good idea. I really get behind the idea of trial separations especially if kids aren’t involved I mean it’s still a good idea it’s just easier without kids. Maybe he needs to taste life without you for a while to wake him up.


One of your fears was losing both your husband the budding bf in the bomb blast. Whats the situation with the Bf. Is he sticking with you/ this ?

yeah, friend is sticking around if i want to. but, as of right now, i am in a sort of ultimatum. husband basically said: you got to choose between him or me. and i dont think i want to do that. i want both. i dont want to lose my husband or the life i have with him. but at the same time i have this huge attraction for someone else and i can't help feeling like there's something i have to do with him. i generally hate making decisions, imagine having to decide between two people i love. idk. all i know is im confused af. and scared af. thank you for the optimism, friend. very much needed

 

[dingedheart]

yeah, friend is sticking around if i want to. but, as of right now, i am in a sort of ultimatum. husband basically said: you got to choose between him or me. and i dont think i want to do that. i want both. i dont want to lose my husband or the life i have with him. but at the same time i have this huge attraction for someone else and i can't help feeling like there's something i have to do with him. i generally hate making decisions, imagine having to decide between two people i love. idk. all i know is im confused af. and scared af. thank you for the optimism, friend. very much needed

Never fun being forced to choose . I don’t recall is there kids involved ? ALSO another conversation that you might want to have with Bf before throwing the last shovelful of dirt on your marriage is how would he be with it if you and he became primary partners ( for lack of a better word ) . Theres this phenomenon of being ok with being love interest but once you make it to the top you’re not so keen on sharing. (This is and edited thought ) You should probably ask yourself by opening this door am I capable of walking this walk. If my husband or Bf come to me down the road and say I’m crushing on this woman is ok to explore that would that be a moment of celebration or dread and bite in the ass ?


MAYBE to help with the confusion focus on all the cracks that this whole saga has illuminated instead of looking back romanticizing the highlight reel.

Life is about the journey so I’d trust my gut and embrace which ever path you choose.

good luck

 

[kdt26417]

So sorry your husband is making you choose. That is not what you wanted. Your friend isn't making you choose, he is okay with poly, maybe that helps you in making your decision? but I don't know how much you have invested in your husband, maybe it's too much to just walk away. I think if you try to just leave things like they are, you will in effect be choosing your husband, unless your friend will wait around forever? How long will he wait?

 

[bananafish]

So sorry your husband is making you choose. That is not what you wanted. Your friend isn't making you choose, he is okay with poly, maybe that helps you in making your decision? but I don't know how much you have invested in your husband, maybe it's too much to just walk away. I think if you try to just leave things like they are, you will in effect be choosing your husband, unless your friend will wait around forever? How long will he wait?

that's a really good question. i don't know that he will wait for long time.
its hard because my husband also involves the life that i know. and if i choose to keep my friend in my life, it will probably mean starting over in many different aspects. and i guess that scares me? i don't want to make decisions that are impulsive, or that don't contemplate my wellbeing despite who i end up with.

 

[GalaGirl]

Understandable to be worried/scared about starting a new chapter. Especially when it's like "going into the unknown" while what you have here, even if not great, is at least familiar.

At the same time... don't make the decision to stay just because of that familiarity. There IS going to be some kind of new chapter right?

You don't sound like you've been doing great in this marriage for a while. Things are missing. If you decide to not pursue poly, and choose to stay here...

I am guessing you will ask if husband is willing to do the work to improve the marriage with you, right? Turn the page on a new marriage chapter there?

Not like "same ol' same ol" marriage where you keep on dealing with a lack of emotional/mental intimacy, not being able to really talk to him about your inner life and feel safe, working on his insecurities, etc?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

My guess is, you have some time before you have to choose, you don't have to rush into a decision to leave your husband. On the other hand, if you wait forever, you will be choosing to stay with your husband, because your friend won't wait for you forever. So take some time to think about it before you decide, but not too much time. Perhaps six months?

Actually you might want to talk to your friend, and ask him how long he would be willing to wait.

 

[abcrazy]

Please don't take anything I say as judging I'm just coming at this from slightly different perspective.

Every marriage will have its problems even the best relationships will have good and bad parts.
Your fear of telling husband " I have feelings for friend that I told you was was just a friend for how ever long " was because you felt like you had cheated or lied to him already, not saying you did but in a closed memo relationship that kind of connection feels like a cheat.
when he noticed there was more there than you either wanted to admit or didn't realize. He spoke up because a: he's always jealous of every guy in your life. Or b: he cares for you and actually noticed something changed or was different about how you talk about or act when concerning friend.
So think about that.

Friend feels similarly about you and wants to dive in or is he looking for a fuck buddy ?

You obviously want friend but I it infatuation with something you can't have because you "shouldn't" or is there something real there.

Are you willing to throw 5 years of marriage away to find out if friend can be the man of your dreams. If you and him decide to make a go of it and husband says 6 to 9 months down the road " hey I can get on board with this after all can we try" will friend be ok with a v, will you ? What if you find another person is friend and you gonna be ok fitting them in.

Do you want to start over with friend in an open or poly relationship or just the 2 of you?

If just the 2 of you then are you actually looking for a replacement for husband so the end won't be as rough?
If you do the open poly thing have you researched. Read up and gotten a small grasp of what it really take and means.

Do you have enough set aside to start over it shouldn't be a main concern but you might want to take that into consideration.

And if you aren't sure you might want to play a little extra nice with hubby. His fears about your friend which you just spent however long telling him were baseless were just confirmed and from his perspective you had been lieng to him for what sounds like a while. Not saying you owe him anything just saying the man is probably going through hell too. And his feelings will be just as valid as yours.
Remember this isn't a judgment or advice just things to consider. I've been in his spot recently and it's not fun.