Derbylicious
New member
Wow, if I were married to you I would be going out all the time, just so the chores would get done (and not by me).
I'm in over my head
- Thread starter Freetime
- Start date
Wow, if I were married to you I would be going out all the time, just so the chores would get done (and not by me).
TruckerPete
New member
If I were married to you I would be going out all the time, just so the chores would get done (and not by me).
The best is when he decides to bake!
Indigomontoya
New member
It takes a real man to nest and make a decent bread pudding. (But stop hijacking the thread!)
Oddly enough...
My night with Tess ended on a good note. Man, I'm tired. After my meltdown, I pretty much locked my office door and wept tears of frustration and anger. I felt completely shut out and shut down. Tess made several attempts to talk to me, but I was too pissed off and hurt to go there. "Fuck off and leave me alone" are the words that come to mind, along with "You hurt me and I want you to know it" expletives and phrases.
But Tess being Tess, she didn't let that stop her from trying, even when I told her she was free to fuck anyone and everyone, but don't tell me about it. I was making plans to move out, you know, the plans crazy people make at 5:00 am when they're sick, tired and angry. It was all pretty nonsensical, to say the least. Tess finally got through to me and apologized for shutting me down. She explained it was a panic defensive reaction, nothing more. I set her off when I started interrogating her as to why was I the only one researching and working on understanding poly. (Which was total bullshit, as she has been and continues to do a lot of work learning about this life change.)
We spent the next 2 hours talking rationally about what was going on here and what we could do differently. First thing is slow down! I know! Who knew? (Okay, you did.)
Going on Tess's date was just dumb. I won't be doing that again. My bad. All go, no quit works well in a fight, not so much in moving from mono to poly.
Next, we love each other, life partners, no moving away from that. And finally, we'll spend time researching and discussing poly together at a certain time each day, instead of doing it on our own. We'll still do our own thing online, but will bring what we find to our daily talks for discussion.
I have to be careful I'm not making myself sound like a victim or a martyr here. Tess has been, and continues to be loving, supportive, caring and understanding of my challenges and emotional stuff. This can't be much fun for her. She wants to have an adventure, let another part of her soul out to play and thrive. And really, intellectually I get it. Emotionally? Not so much.
I am at a loss truly as to why I am having the problem I am with this. I'm surprised and saddened at my reactions. I expected to be far more open to this then I am. I need to read up on the benefits and positive outcomes of polyamory, get my head right.
You folks take care. Thanks for taking care of me. I had no idea I'd need this, or you, so much.
Be well,
Freetime
My night with Tess ended on a good note. Man, I'm tired. After my meltdown, I pretty much locked my office door and wept tears of frustration and anger. I felt completely shut out and shut down. Tess made several attempts to talk to me, but I was too pissed off and hurt to go there. "Fuck off and leave me alone" are the words that come to mind, along with "You hurt me and I want you to know it" expletives and phrases.
But Tess being Tess, she didn't let that stop her from trying, even when I told her she was free to fuck anyone and everyone, but don't tell me about it. I was making plans to move out, you know, the plans crazy people make at 5:00 am when they're sick, tired and angry. It was all pretty nonsensical, to say the least. Tess finally got through to me and apologized for shutting me down. She explained it was a panic defensive reaction, nothing more. I set her off when I started interrogating her as to why was I the only one researching and working on understanding poly. (Which was total bullshit, as she has been and continues to do a lot of work learning about this life change.)
We spent the next 2 hours talking rationally about what was going on here and what we could do differently. First thing is slow down! I know! Who knew? (Okay, you did.)
Going on Tess's date was just dumb. I won't be doing that again. My bad. All go, no quit works well in a fight, not so much in moving from mono to poly.
Next, we love each other, life partners, no moving away from that. And finally, we'll spend time researching and discussing poly together at a certain time each day, instead of doing it on our own. We'll still do our own thing online, but will bring what we find to our daily talks for discussion.
I have to be careful I'm not making myself sound like a victim or a martyr here. Tess has been, and continues to be loving, supportive, caring and understanding of my challenges and emotional stuff. This can't be much fun for her. She wants to have an adventure, let another part of her soul out to play and thrive. And really, intellectually I get it. Emotionally? Not so much.
I am at a loss truly as to why I am having the problem I am with this. I'm surprised and saddened at my reactions. I expected to be far more open to this then I am. I need to read up on the benefits and positive outcomes of polyamory, get my head right.
You folks take care. Thanks for taking care of me. I had no idea I'd need this, or you, so much.
Be well,
Freetime
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nycindie
Active member
Freetime, you definitely do not sound like you are playing the victim or martyr!! You are indeed coming across as very human and real. I am so happy for you that you and Tess discussed the situation further and came up with some workable boundaries. Lessons learned, eh? And ain't that what life's about?
(((HUGS)))
(((HUGS)))
Ah, that's good, FT. So good.
I know some people go on first dates with their partners and a new person. (On here, TL and LTforeverU2 do this.) But they sit at the table and get to know the person. They don't just lurk voyeuristicly in the background. I bet the guy your wife went to dinner with might've felt weird if he knew you were there watching over them.
My gf has a bf, and his wife went on several of their first lunch dates with them both. (I thought it was a bit weird and control-freakish of her, myself). And now that my gf goes to their place once a week for a sleepover, the wife is almost always there, which we can see is hampering M's being able to feel as sexually and emotionally free with my gf as he'd like.
Sheesh, I keep telling my gf to have M over to her place. Alone. Of course, I'd vacate the premises and go home and give them space.
I know some people go on first dates with their partners and a new person. (On here, TL and LTforeverU2 do this.) But they sit at the table and get to know the person. They don't just lurk voyeuristicly in the background. I bet the guy your wife went to dinner with might've felt weird if he knew you were there watching over them.
My gf has a bf, and his wife went on several of their first lunch dates with them both. (I thought it was a bit weird and control-freakish of her, myself). And now that my gf goes to their place once a week for a sleepover, the wife is almost always there, which we can see is hampering M's being able to feel as sexually and emotionally free with my gf as he'd like.
Sheesh, I keep telling my gf to have M over to her place. Alone. Of course, I'd vacate the premises and go home and give them space.
Carma
New member
Dear FT,
My husband and I ride the rollercoaster too, as I see many others doing here on the forum. What we are doing is a wild ride. It's HARD WORK! But there are successes here, people who say it is worth it. The highs are higher, the lows are lower. I've felt so low at the lows it seems like everything is crumbling, disintegrating, final and dead. To me, poly is like a phoenix love. It keeps rising out of the burning ashes, over and over. What grows is always something more beautiful than it was before. (We are there today. The highs are awesome!)
My husband took his wedding ring off a long time ago. Yes, our marriage, as we knew it, has died, several times over. We've had the "I'm moving out" fights, that become, "I'm moving to the spare bedroom" to "I'm sleeping in the same bed, just so the kids don't suspect anything and get scared." We've grieved and mourned. We've even grieved in advance for things that never even came to be. We DON'T want a divorce. We love each other. We are best friends. For the most part, we get along. We decide to stay together, for better or for worse, then we celebrate a wedding, all over again! Sometimes he even puts his ring back on!
I love the advice you've gotten from everyone the past two days or so. Wisdom here! We are all here to support and encourage each other. I hope it helps when the extreme lows take you to the burning heap, to know that most of us here have been through it, too. You are a pioneer. You are designing your own love life, writing your own story. There is no script and you are making the rules up as you go.
I wouldn't say you "shouldn't" have gone with Tess on that date. It was part of the journey. We don't live in "woulda coulda shoulda" here. This is a "what if?" place. You are right where you are supposed to be. And you have friends.
Love to you and Tess. You're doing just fine.
My husband and I ride the rollercoaster too, as I see many others doing here on the forum. What we are doing is a wild ride. It's HARD WORK! But there are successes here, people who say it is worth it. The highs are higher, the lows are lower. I've felt so low at the lows it seems like everything is crumbling, disintegrating, final and dead. To me, poly is like a phoenix love. It keeps rising out of the burning ashes, over and over. What grows is always something more beautiful than it was before. (We are there today. The highs are awesome!)
My husband took his wedding ring off a long time ago. Yes, our marriage, as we knew it, has died, several times over. We've had the "I'm moving out" fights, that become, "I'm moving to the spare bedroom" to "I'm sleeping in the same bed, just so the kids don't suspect anything and get scared." We've grieved and mourned. We've even grieved in advance for things that never even came to be. We DON'T want a divorce. We love each other. We are best friends. For the most part, we get along. We decide to stay together, for better or for worse, then we celebrate a wedding, all over again! Sometimes he even puts his ring back on!
I love the advice you've gotten from everyone the past two days or so. Wisdom here! We are all here to support and encourage each other. I hope it helps when the extreme lows take you to the burning heap, to know that most of us here have been through it, too. You are a pioneer. You are designing your own love life, writing your own story. There is no script and you are making the rules up as you go.
I wouldn't say you "shouldn't" have gone with Tess on that date. It was part of the journey. We don't live in "woulda coulda shoulda" here. This is a "what if?" place. You are right where you are supposed to be. And you have friends.
Love to you and Tess. You're doing just fine.
Have I learned anything yet?
1) I'm not alone. Good news... no, really good news!
2) This isn't going to kill me, just feels like it some days.
3) I love Tess. Everything else is just bullshit.
4) Tess loves me.
5) Tess really really loves me.
6) Change hurts. (It hurts a lot more when you've been running from it for a while, but you'll live, and you'll be stronger for finally facing it.)
7) Don't quit. It's okay to say you quit, even to mean it when you say it, just don't do it.
8) When this gets to be to much, ask for help and take a break.
9) Love and gratitude are more powerful then fear and selfishness. Always.
10) I'm not alone, never was, never will be.
1) I'm not alone. Good news... no, really good news!
2) This isn't going to kill me, just feels like it some days.
3) I love Tess. Everything else is just bullshit.
4) Tess loves me.
5) Tess really really loves me.
6) Change hurts. (It hurts a lot more when you've been running from it for a while, but you'll live, and you'll be stronger for finally facing it.)
7) Don't quit. It's okay to say you quit, even to mean it when you say it, just don't do it.
8) When this gets to be to much, ask for help and take a break.
9) Love and gratitude are more powerful then fear and selfishness. Always.
10) I'm not alone, never was, never will be.
garret9453
New member
"Always good to see another homeboy in the corral. Giddy up."
Yes, it is. -- Sundance
Yes, it is. -- Sundance
I took at least 7 hours before posting my reply. What more kind of break did you want? What happened to:
??
Now maybe this part will make more sense.
I mentioned Tess in this, but would it have killed ya to see how it applied to you? Have you seen the Powerthirst commercials on YouTube? This is like that, but it was me instead of Mother Nature telling you to "SLOOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOOWN" and you said "FUCK YOU!!!" And kicked me in the head with your ENERGY LEGS!!!
It's been like, what? 20 days?
You know how rollercoasters in your town work. You get to ride once or twice during the 10 days, depending on how much you actually leave the beer gardens, and then that's it for the rest of the year. Unless you go to visit WestEd.
You've been riding the rollercoaster continuously for over 2 weeks straight, all day everyday. It's no bloody wonder you're exhausted. You've gone further in 10 days than I've seen or heard a lot of people manage in 10 months! Hell, I spent over 8 months just trying to deprogram the patriarchal programming that made the prospect of my wife being with a guy unpalatable.
Seriously, take it easy. You're making the rest of us (read: me) look bad!
The most salient points that I'm glad you've recognized, and you should look back on frequently to re-remind yourself about.
And, no, I'm not actually
at you. Just sayin' you could and probably should take a little while to suck back and reload.
Derbylicious
New member
I mentioned your wife in this...but would it have killed ya to see how it applied to you?? Have you seen the Powerthirst Commercials on YouTube?? This is like that but it was me instead of Mother Nature telling you to "SLOOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOOWN" and you said "FUCK YOU!!!" And kicked me in the head with your ENERGY LEGS!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs
Just in case you needed the visual
Just grab a life jacket. I'm riding on the wave next to you.
I have been married to Carma for 12 years. She started an emotional affair with my best friend after 7 years of marriage. After predictable developments, I finally jumped into the waves and told them both to consummate the relationship on 10-10-10. That was better than the deceit and dishonesty. They are my two best friends. It has been a wild ride. It's a friends with benefits arrangement that takes place once or twice a week. She loves him. She loves me. She is experiencing the NRE that only a new lover can share. It creates self-doubt in me. Why aren't I more lovable?
I can be riding at a nice steady gait, and suddenly my horse pulls up short and takes off for the barn. Suddenly I am NOT all right with this!
My daughter found out and chastised my wife. I felt guilt about being a wimp and letting this go on, even though I realized I am powerless anyway. My friend cut her off when he found out I was not all right. I call it respect. Others might call it fear. I love him as a friend. We are both straight, mono men.
My wife is happy being poly. The sex part doesn't get me as much as the fear they will run off together. Then I will be excluded, my biggest fear. More likely, she will be his "transition" woman and he will move onto a monoamorous relationship with another. Who can predict?
My wife and I can be very codependent. But I think I have finally hit on the path that will bring me peace. I am now actively seeking ways, i.e., journaling, therapy and communicating, to learn to love MYSELF. I am a little boy of coal. My upbringing helped mold me into an insecure child who used my romantic relationship, in this case my wife, to provide my worthiness as a human being. If she loved me, I must be okay, I believed. But if she withdrew that love, or loved someone else too, I must be less worthy.
That's bullshit! I am lovable. You need to look within yourself for the security to know that you are worthy of love. Intellectualizing the behavior of my polyamorous wife, my hot wife, has smothered the emotional "gut" response I had to the "loss" of my codependent lover. It's all right to have a negative visceral response to her behavior. But I believe learning to love yourself will "allow" you to accept her need to love others, and may open up your capacity to not only love her more, but to love others, too.
I may have an overpowering wave of emotions, feeling hopeless about Carma and her lover tomorrow. But the sting is dissipating as I learn to accept myself as a lovable man.
Hang in there, brother. It takes a BIG man to learn to live with this. But it is worth it. You are not alone. My wife and I are raising 6 kids. I feel honor in keeping our union together for their sakes, too.
I have been married to Carma for 12 years. She started an emotional affair with my best friend after 7 years of marriage. After predictable developments, I finally jumped into the waves and told them both to consummate the relationship on 10-10-10. That was better than the deceit and dishonesty. They are my two best friends. It has been a wild ride. It's a friends with benefits arrangement that takes place once or twice a week. She loves him. She loves me. She is experiencing the NRE that only a new lover can share. It creates self-doubt in me. Why aren't I more lovable?
I can be riding at a nice steady gait, and suddenly my horse pulls up short and takes off for the barn. Suddenly I am NOT all right with this!
My daughter found out and chastised my wife. I felt guilt about being a wimp and letting this go on, even though I realized I am powerless anyway. My friend cut her off when he found out I was not all right. I call it respect. Others might call it fear. I love him as a friend. We are both straight, mono men.
My wife is happy being poly. The sex part doesn't get me as much as the fear they will run off together. Then I will be excluded, my biggest fear. More likely, she will be his "transition" woman and he will move onto a monoamorous relationship with another. Who can predict?
My wife and I can be very codependent. But I think I have finally hit on the path that will bring me peace. I am now actively seeking ways, i.e., journaling, therapy and communicating, to learn to love MYSELF. I am a little boy of coal. My upbringing helped mold me into an insecure child who used my romantic relationship, in this case my wife, to provide my worthiness as a human being. If she loved me, I must be okay, I believed. But if she withdrew that love, or loved someone else too, I must be less worthy.
That's bullshit! I am lovable. You need to look within yourself for the security to know that you are worthy of love. Intellectualizing the behavior of my polyamorous wife, my hot wife, has smothered the emotional "gut" response I had to the "loss" of my codependent lover. It's all right to have a negative visceral response to her behavior. But I believe learning to love yourself will "allow" you to accept her need to love others, and may open up your capacity to not only love her more, but to love others, too.
I may have an overpowering wave of emotions, feeling hopeless about Carma and her lover tomorrow. But the sting is dissipating as I learn to accept myself as a lovable man.
Hang in there, brother. It takes a BIG man to learn to live with this. But it is worth it. You are not alone. My wife and I are raising 6 kids. I feel honor in keeping our union together for their sakes, too.
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I took at least 7 hours before posting my reply...what more kind of break did you want?
I mentioned Tess in this, but would it have killed ya to see how it applied to you? Have you seen the Powerthirst commercials on YouTube? This is like that, but it was me instead of Mother Nature telling you to "SLOOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOOWN" and you said "FUCK YOU!!!" And kicked me in the head with your ENERGY LEGS!!!
It's been like, what? 20 days?
You know how rollercoasters in your town work. You get to ride once or twice during the 10 days, depending on how much you actually leave the beer gardens, and then that's it for the rest of the year. Unless you go to visit WestEd.
You've been riding the rollercoaster continuously for over 2 weeks straight, all day, every day. It's no bloody wonder you're exhausted. You've gone further in 10 days than I've seen or heard a lot of people manage in 10 months! Hell, I spent over 8 months just trying to deprogram the patriarchal programming that made the prospect of my wife being with a guy unpalatable.
Seriously, take it easy. You're making the rest of us (read: me) look bad!
The most salient points that I'm glad you've recognized, and you should look back on frequently to re-remind yourself about.
I'm not actually
Yeah, my balls beat my brain to the decision-making and off we went, and I paid for my hubris.
Tess and I have really stepped back from this and are talking about best methods, as opposed to doing best methods. Not that actually going on Tess's date as secret bodyguard makes any sense at all. Even just typing that makes me cringe at the sheer dumbness in action. How did I survive to this age?
Anyway, point taken. Way to much for this yahoo to learn yet. if you see me about to go off on another Mission Impossible, let me know.
Carma
New member
FT, you are not a dumb ass! You are very, very brave. Give yourself a little credit, will ya? You dived right in, out of love.
Kudos to you and Tess, and all the other brave souls out there living and loving with ALL their hearts.
Thanks for sharing your story so openly and honestly. It gives me real hope.
Kudos to you and Tess, and all the other brave souls out there living and loving with ALL their hearts.
Thanks for sharing your story so openly and honestly. It gives me real hope.
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redpepper
Active member
Thank you so much for making it easier for me. Being tired didn't help.
Sweet Jebus in an armlock, Batman! Exactly! If Tess could have a FWB relationship without the friend part I'd be good with this. Well... not really. Why? Because I want whomever Tess ends up spending time with to be a kind and emotionally generous human being who treats her with love and respect. I'm sure we could find a "Hump & Run" fairly easily, but an ongoing poly or FWB relationship takes time, I think.