Derbylicious
New member
Thank you for making me snort coffee, Derby!
You'd really think that by now we would all know better than to read the forum while drinking anything!
I'm in over my head
- Thread starter Freetime
- Start date
You'd really think that by now we would all know better than to read the forum while drinking anything!
BlackUnicorn
New member
Although it feels wrong to get back to this issue after such a delightful foray into the world of liquids, I have to suggest Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as one model some folks might find useful when trying to conceptualize 'needs.'
As for me, I agree with Mono. I prefer to want the things I want, versus wanting the things I need. In my understanding, using the word 'need' might masquerade some dependency and addiction issues I have, whereas realizing that I need very little, but want a lot, to me, is about realizing our own power in choosing and acting on our choices.
I went out tonight with Tess, while she met with her first online date/meet-up (i.e., they met online). I was the secret chaperone, ensuring Tess was safe. As the night progressed, I moved to a different area of the pub/bar because, well, I'm just not that much of a voyeur, and watching my wife on a date was pretty odd. (I went more as a security blanket for her, as she hadn't been on a blind date in over 20 years.)
As it worked out, he was a nice guy, but there wasn't any chemistry with him to go further. You could tell he was disappointed, but he took it well and that was that.
So, jealousy... I found myself experiencing jealousy, not at Tess meeting with a potential bf, but at not being the guy who was with her having a great night! Which was also one of the reasons I moved out of line of sight. The good news was that a great band was playing in a different part of the pub, and I spent my night sipping ginger ale and grooving to the music.
I'm trying. I swear I am, but I have no framework or experience to draw on as to what's okay here. As the night wore on, I started to feel like I did on day one. I stopped going down that road as soon as I caught myself, but it took a while to get repurposed.
I think I'm a good man. I think I'm doing what's right and necessary to make it easier for us both, but I just don't have the context to know for certain.
I've stopped running away from anything, my fears, jealousy, feeling sorry for myself, all of it. I'm grateful to be awake again, to feel alive and have purpose and desire once more in my life. But to tell you the truth, I'm not really having fun with this.
There is so much for me to learn yet. I hope I get there soon.
I apologize for hijacking my thread back from the earlier hijack. I did, however, learn that beer + lube might be more fun then I thought, so thank you for that.
As it worked out, he was a nice guy, but there wasn't any chemistry with him to go further. You could tell he was disappointed, but he took it well and that was that.
So, jealousy... I found myself experiencing jealousy, not at Tess meeting with a potential bf, but at not being the guy who was with her having a great night! Which was also one of the reasons I moved out of line of sight. The good news was that a great band was playing in a different part of the pub, and I spent my night sipping ginger ale and grooving to the music.
I'm trying. I swear I am, but I have no framework or experience to draw on as to what's okay here. As the night wore on, I started to feel like I did on day one. I stopped going down that road as soon as I caught myself, but it took a while to get repurposed.
I think I'm a good man. I think I'm doing what's right and necessary to make it easier for us both, but I just don't have the context to know for certain.
I've stopped running away from anything, my fears, jealousy, feeling sorry for myself, all of it. I'm grateful to be awake again, to feel alive and have purpose and desire once more in my life. But to tell you the truth, I'm not really having fun with this.
There is so much for me to learn yet. I hope I get there soon.
I apologize for hijacking my thread back from the earlier hijack. I did, however, learn that beer + lube might be more fun then I thought, so thank you for that.
It sounds like a good night, even from a learning perspective. I'm glad it worked out well for you, and that you've started finding ways to catch yourself from going down the dark paths of your mind. You seem to be getting the coping mechanisms down fine, so I'm not going to bother suggesting new ones if you have stuff that's working for you.
Question time:
Why do you feel a need to be 'the one' having a great night with Tess? If she went out for girls' night with her friends, and had a great night carrying on with them, would you feel jealousy? If you're at a party and she gets talking to an old friend, or new friend, does that cause jealousy? If it's YeeHaw week, and she has an out-of-body experience on the Gravitron while you're eating mini donuts, does that cause jealousy?
I'm not sure I understand the part about how working through your shit somehow casts doubt on being a good man. Personal ethics are personal If you need external validation, is it really personal anymore? I guess the question here is: what do you think you're doing that might be 'wrong,' and why would it be 'wrong'?
Finally, if you don't think you're having fun, and it seems like a lot of work, despite all the advantages that you mentioned above, what would be? What do you think it should look like? What would be 'fun'? How do you envision that, and how is it different than what happened last night?
You can't really hijack your own thread, so don't apologize. I'm glad the combination worked out for you.
redpepper
Active member
It sounds like there is some self-confidence stuff going on for you. Are you wondering if Tess has lost interest in you; that you are the steady guy here for the long haul, and not the fun new guy; or is your jealousy towards him about the fact that you wish you could date again and have that exhilarating moment of meeting someone new?
You folks ask tough questions! You won't let me slide at all here, will you?
II:
You're absolutely right in that if Tess were out with friends, I'd be fine with it. But as soon as she's out with a guy? Not so much. And that's what's bothering me here. It's a guy. Not a girl. Why can't Tess be bi and have a girlfriend? That'd be so much easier to deal with.
(Okay, that's my fantasy voice taking over... I'm back now.)
Where was I? Right. The guy thing. Why does that bother me? Why do I treat this differently? Why do I start feeling jealous of Tess's activities because she's with a penile life-support system, instead of another woman? Dunno. Just do. And I'd like not to.
Hmm... What I'm trying to say is that I don't know what I should be doing here, II. How much more do I have to do? When this got started, I signed on here, and got busy. I've worked to overcome any of my old emotional/mental shit that might get in the way of Tess's journey, and continue to do so. I've paid attention to everything you and the others have said, and have done what I can to implement your suggestions. I've helped screen the candidates online, provided security on her date, and continue to be open to this new idea called polyamory.
But it seems that every day I come up against or experience something I don't understand. Am I whinging? Maybe. I just wish I had something to ground me when I started feeling uneasy or afraid. This board is all I have right now. You folks are it.
This, my friend, is something I have to think about. You're not cutting me any slack here, are you?
Redpepper
Hmm... I wanted to be the guy last night who was having a great time with my wife, not sitting by myself watching her have a good time. The last part of your reply makes me uncomfortable, very much so. What am I really jealous of here? Fuck me, now I have something else to look at.
Sigh, why couldn't Tess just want a puppy?
II:
You're absolutely right in that if Tess were out with friends, I'd be fine with it. But as soon as she's out with a guy? Not so much. And that's what's bothering me here. It's a guy. Not a girl. Why can't Tess be bi and have a girlfriend? That'd be so much easier to deal with.
(Okay, that's my fantasy voice taking over... I'm back now.)
Where was I? Right. The guy thing. Why does that bother me? Why do I treat this differently? Why do I start feeling jealous of Tess's activities because she's with a penile life-support system, instead of another woman? Dunno. Just do. And I'd like not to.
Hmm... What I'm trying to say is that I don't know what I should be doing here, II. How much more do I have to do? When this got started, I signed on here, and got busy. I've worked to overcome any of my old emotional/mental shit that might get in the way of Tess's journey, and continue to do so. I've paid attention to everything you and the others have said, and have done what I can to implement your suggestions. I've helped screen the candidates online, provided security on her date, and continue to be open to this new idea called polyamory.
But it seems that every day I come up against or experience something I don't understand. Am I whinging? Maybe. I just wish I had something to ground me when I started feeling uneasy or afraid. This board is all I have right now. You folks are it.
This, my friend, is something I have to think about. You're not cutting me any slack here, are you?
Redpepper
Hmm... I wanted to be the guy last night who was having a great time with my wife, not sitting by myself watching her have a good time. The last part of your reply makes me uncomfortable, very much so. What am I really jealous of here? Fuck me, now I have something else to look at.
Sigh, why couldn't Tess just want a puppy?
Penny
New member
This...
And this...
...seriously made me LOL.
You're a pretty cool guy, Freetime, and are working really hard to overcome some difficult issues so your wife can be happy.
Now that's love, IMO. I applaud you, Sir.
And this...
...seriously made me LOL.
You're a pretty cool guy, Freetime, and are working really hard to overcome some difficult issues so your wife can be happy.
Now that's love, IMO. I applaud you, Sir.
Carma
New member
Whoa, look out. Bisexual polyamorous people bring a whole different dimension to the mix. There is still jealousy there. I've seen it on the forum. You may think it's all about the penis, but you'd be surprised!
It's odd. My husband has no problem with the other penis, it's the emotional intimacy that shakes him to the core. Incidentally -- our latest BIG conflict stemmed from my first "date" with the bf, even though we'd been sleeping with each other (husband approved) for 5 months! He saw the date as "wrangling" (if you search "cowboys" on here you'll see what I mean), but that's not what it was at all. I said if we are friends with benefits, it can't just be the benefits! Going out for a beer together was the FRIEND part. Freaked the hubby out. He panicked that the bf was "wooing" me.
We are working on some new arrangements that he will feel more comfortable with, because the last thing the bf wants is to cause conflict in our marriage. He really loves and respects my husband. Sometimes I fear he loves him more than me! Actually, THAT is a terrific feeling. I feel safe when these two men respect one another. It validates my good taste in men.
It's odd. My husband has no problem with the other penis, it's the emotional intimacy that shakes him to the core. Incidentally -- our latest BIG conflict stemmed from my first "date" with the bf, even though we'd been sleeping with each other (husband approved) for 5 months! He saw the date as "wrangling" (if you search "cowboys" on here you'll see what I mean), but that's not what it was at all. I said if we are friends with benefits, it can't just be the benefits! Going out for a beer together was the FRIEND part. Freaked the hubby out. He panicked that the bf was "wooing" me.
We are working on some new arrangements that he will feel more comfortable with, because the last thing the bf wants is to cause conflict in our marriage. He really loves and respects my husband. Sometimes I fear he loves him more than me! Actually, THAT is a terrific feeling. I feel safe when these two men respect one another. It validates my good taste in men.
redpepper
Active member
Thanks for the smile, Freetime.
Just a thought-- why not just stay home next time and plan a night of fun for yourself? I'm not sure why you need to protect her. She is a grown woman, and presumably not naive about the world. You could be going on a lot of dates before she finds the one that fits her life. At the very least, maybe you could go and observe on a second or third date. By the third date though, I would think you would be setting up a time to meet the dude anyway. I'm not sure how honest it is to watch from a distance anyway. It's not sitting well with me that this guy had no idea you were there. Did I get that right? He didn't know you were watching?
When I was dating a couple of years ago, I went through about 50 dates between late summer and the New Year. More maybe? If my husband had come out on every one, we would be broke, due to drinking out so much, and he would've lost interest pretty quick. Not to mention, my pace is crazy fast, compared to his. I had two dates in one day once!
Besides, I can take care of myself. I never went anywhere without him knowing where I was, when I arrived and when I left. I would pick places that were known to us ahead of time, and didn't drink alcohol on the first date. I was fine. Most of the guys were so terrified, I was completely capable of doing something to them, rather than them doing something to me!
Mono took one coffee date and that was it. Love. There was no question. If PN had been hanging over my shoulder when we met, I would've felt very uncomfortable. I would not have felt I had privacy. I would've felt like he didn't trust me and that he was in some way controlling me. We are both far too independent to be fussing around wondering about the dates we have at this point, though.
Mono had a hard time with me hanging out with my friends after we met. He didn't trust the men I was developing friendships with in our local poly community. It was not something he was used to, to have his partner go out for dinner with a male friend. How could he trust that I would not be taken advantage of? It seemed rather ridiculous and confusing. I have never had that kind of concern for me before.
I dunno. Maybe you should work on what you could do with your life during this time in your relationship, and leave her to it, except for hearing how it's going, of course.
Just a thought-- why not just stay home next time and plan a night of fun for yourself? I'm not sure why you need to protect her. She is a grown woman, and presumably not naive about the world. You could be going on a lot of dates before she finds the one that fits her life. At the very least, maybe you could go and observe on a second or third date. By the third date though, I would think you would be setting up a time to meet the dude anyway. I'm not sure how honest it is to watch from a distance anyway. It's not sitting well with me that this guy had no idea you were there. Did I get that right? He didn't know you were watching?
When I was dating a couple of years ago, I went through about 50 dates between late summer and the New Year. More maybe? If my husband had come out on every one, we would be broke, due to drinking out so much, and he would've lost interest pretty quick. Not to mention, my pace is crazy fast, compared to his. I had two dates in one day once!
Besides, I can take care of myself. I never went anywhere without him knowing where I was, when I arrived and when I left. I would pick places that were known to us ahead of time, and didn't drink alcohol on the first date. I was fine. Most of the guys were so terrified, I was completely capable of doing something to them, rather than them doing something to me!
Mono took one coffee date and that was it. Love. There was no question. If PN had been hanging over my shoulder when we met, I would've felt very uncomfortable. I would not have felt I had privacy. I would've felt like he didn't trust me and that he was in some way controlling me. We are both far too independent to be fussing around wondering about the dates we have at this point, though.
Mono had a hard time with me hanging out with my friends after we met. He didn't trust the men I was developing friendships with in our local poly community. It was not something he was used to, to have his partner go out for dinner with a male friend. How could he trust that I would not be taken advantage of?
It seemed rather ridiculous and confusing. I have never had that kind of concern for me before.I dunno. Maybe you should work on what you could do with your life during this time in your relationship, and leave her to it, except for hearing how it's going, of course.
Derbylicious
New member
If you are worried about her safety, you can always ask her to send you a text/give you a call at a designated time to let you know that all is well. It's easy enough to excuse yourself from the table for a minute to make that kind of call. It sounds to me that she wanted you there as a security blanket. Ask her if she feels safe at other times when she is out without you. There really isn't any reason, if she is out in a public place and not consuming a lot of alcohol, for her not to feel safe on a first date.
Make plans of your own the next time she's out. Go and do something that you enjoy that isn't her favourite thing to do. Or, for that matter, stay home and do something that she doesn't like to do. I love my alone time. I get to watch the cooking competition shows that my husband isn't terribly fond of. I also get to make myself refried bean burritos, and have ice cream with butterscotch sauce for dessert. I look forward to my dates with myself quite a bit.
Make plans of your own the next time she's out. Go and do something that you enjoy that isn't her favourite thing to do. Or, for that matter, stay home and do something that she doesn't like to do. I love my alone time. I get to watch the cooking competition shows that my husband isn't terribly fond of. I also get to make myself refried bean burritos, and have ice cream with butterscotch sauce for dessert. I look forward to my dates with myself quite a bit.
Not a good night
I don't feel well. Haven't all day. Physically mostly, but it's also affecting me emotionally. And sure enough, I got into it with Tess tonight, and here I am talking to you, because I can't/won't talk to her. Biggest change in my life in 20 yrs and I'm no longer comfortable discussing it with Tess. Fucking awesome.
In our chat, before I came up here to talk to you, I asked Tess why I was the only one learning anything about this (polyamory), and why wasn't she doing more to help me. Well, as it happens, as I came downstairs, and just before I started my holier-than-thou sermon, Tess was on this very board reading posts in the Fireside section. Yes, really. We laughed. She didn't get upset. We went to sit down and continue our discussion, which instead of being a good experience, ended as I described above.
My discussion has left me feeling like I talk too much, whinge too much. Embarrassing? Pretty much.
I want out. I didn't sign up for this. I've had enough. Tess is free to fuck who she wants, but I'm not sticking around to watch. It's been fun (not really), but I'm done.
I don't feel well. Haven't all day. Physically mostly, but it's also affecting me emotionally. And sure enough, I got into it with Tess tonight, and here I am talking to you, because I can't/won't talk to her. Biggest change in my life in 20 yrs and I'm no longer comfortable discussing it with Tess. Fucking awesome.
In our chat, before I came up here to talk to you, I asked Tess why I was the only one learning anything about this (polyamory), and why wasn't she doing more to help me. Well, as it happens, as I came downstairs, and just before I started my holier-than-thou sermon, Tess was on this very board reading posts in the Fireside section. Yes, really. We laughed. She didn't get upset. We went to sit down and continue our discussion, which instead of being a good experience, ended as I described above.
My discussion has left me feeling like I talk too much, whinge too much. Embarrassing? Pretty much.
I want out. I didn't sign up for this. I've had enough. Tess is free to fuck who she wants, but I'm not sticking around to watch. It's been fun (not really), but I'm done.
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Sometimes I'm slow
My marriage is over. I realized tonight while lying in bed that, stay together or not, my marriage as I know it, is done. It has been for a while. It just took me until now to see it. The day Tess decided she was poly was the day this union ended. Our vows are null and void. I've taken off my ring, as the promise it represented is no longer valid. I'm all over the place emotionally. Ups, downs, you name it, I'm feeling it. I just can not seem to find a fucking balance for long. I have experienced feeling really strong and truly happy for the first time in a long time, but I can't hold onto it. This is so frustrating.
Tess made it clear that I've talked, babbled or rambled on about this far too much, so I'm just going to shut up and try to work this out on my own.
And just to make my day perfect, I'm getting a gut, not a big one, but it bothers me. Tess looks like a hotwife fantasy come true, and I look like shit. One more thing for me to work on, because I just don't have enough to clean up, fix, look at, deal with, as it is.
I should have stayed in the basement.
My marriage is over. I realized tonight while lying in bed that, stay together or not, my marriage as I know it, is done. It has been for a while. It just took me until now to see it. The day Tess decided she was poly was the day this union ended. Our vows are null and void. I've taken off my ring, as the promise it represented is no longer valid. I'm all over the place emotionally. Ups, downs, you name it, I'm feeling it. I just can not seem to find a fucking balance for long. I have experienced feeling really strong and truly happy for the first time in a long time, but I can't hold onto it. This is so frustrating.
Tess made it clear that I've talked, babbled or rambled on about this far too much, so I'm just going to shut up and try to work this out on my own.
And just to make my day perfect, I'm getting a gut, not a big one, but it bothers me. Tess looks like a hotwife fantasy come true, and I look like shit. One more thing for me to work on, because I just don't have enough to clean up, fix, look at, deal with, as it is.
I should have stayed in the basement.
Awww, Freetime! You're on a low on the rollercoaster. It sounds to me like lurking at the restaurant to "keep your wife safe" on her blind date really did a number on you. I could not have done that.
If your wife is getting tired of talking about her forays into poly with you, I feel it's time to take a break from the whole thing. She needs to stop dating and let all these new lessons you two are learning sink in. It's a huge change and you're both exhausted.
You will find your balance if you just slow down and be loving to each other for a while. You need reassurance. Heck, I've been with my poly gf now for 2 years and I still really appreciate her expressions of love and need for me, in the hours before she goes to see her bf, and in the day after when she gets home.
Many hugs. I understand how draining these new insights can be.
If your wife is getting tired of talking about her forays into poly with you, I feel it's time to take a break from the whole thing. She needs to stop dating and let all these new lessons you two are learning sink in. It's a huge change and you're both exhausted.
You will find your balance if you just slow down and be loving to each other for a while. You need reassurance. Heck, I've been with my poly gf now for 2 years and I still really appreciate her expressions of love and need for me, in the hours before she goes to see her bf, and in the day after when she gets home.
Many hugs. I understand how draining these new insights can be.
Derbylicious
New member
You're right. The marriage that you had is over. It's changed. Change doesn't have to mean bad, though. It takes time to get to a new normal, where things feel right again between you. You have taken on a lot and have done it very quickly. Give it time and let it sink in.
Figure out what your boundaries are and talk about them. You are allowed to have needs. It looks like you're trying to be the good guy here and just going at the speed that she wants to go. The two of you are in a partnership, though, and if you don't speak up and say "too much, too fast" how is she to know that you're not doing okay?
Can you identify what your triggers are in this journey? Give Tess some really concrete things that you need her to do for you, or that you need to be held back. Try not to write anything in stone, because chances are you won't always feel this way. The balance does happen and the hiccoughs become fewer and farther between.
GroundedSpirit
New member
Hey Freetime,
If it's any help, I think the thing that gets most people over that final hurdle is just resignation. I don't use that term in a weak, despondent manner. It's more a realization and acceptance of reality. Rather than wasting time and energy fighting against it, we make a conscious choice to flow with it.
Here's what it comes down to. When we really love people, we want their happiness and fulfillment. (You're doing this now.) But there's a possessive/selfish side of us that doesn't want their happiness to come at a cost to us! When it comes to love, relationships, etc., we've been taught it's a zero-sum game, which, of course, is a fallacy. (That's a whole topic in itself, not going there now.)
But in the end, it's this. We're either genuine in our desire for their happiness, or we're not. That has nothing to do with any pain and discomfort it may cause us. Our pain is our OWN problem. Trying to force someone else to alleviate OUR pain eventually destroys the best parts and depth of a relationship. We're effectively holding someone prisoner against their will and best interest.
At some point, we have the option of just giving that up, resigning ourselves to the fact that if there is real love and bonding between us, that it can't be kept there with a barbed-wire fence. It will either survive and grow on its real merits, or it wasn't real in the first place, only an illusion, a hope, a fantasy, a misinterpretation.
So we resign ourselves to finding out the truth, and quit building fences. What will be, will be. We accept that. We're not some god that has all the best answers for how life flows.
Beodude123
New member
I've been going through a lot of what you've been going through, as well, Freetime. One person on here said on my blog that I was mourning the loss of what my marriage was. It made a lot of sense to me. Even if you said that your wife couldn't be poly, and she was totally cool with that, it wouldn't change anything. It would still be there, and you would know it. She wouldn't be as happy as she could be.
It's an incredibly hard thing to overcome. I've been dealing with it the last few weeks myself. I think I'm finally starting to give it up, as far as trying to hold on to what we had, and go forward with what we have. It hasn't really changed anything at all. Only thing that has changed is how we feel about each other, and that hasn't been negative in any way.
It's going to take time to find a comfort area for everybody. That's just something you are going to have to figure out on your own. I still don't even know where mine is, really. I'm still struggling with everything, and I still have back-and-forth days. I think there have been days where I started out cool with poly, then didn't want it. Then I was for it again, but by the end of the day, wanted nothing to do with it. So it seems the back-and-forth thing is pretty normal.
Are things going too fast for you? Is that why you want to fight it so much? Just remember that you have as much of a stake in this as Tess. If you need to start out slow, then so be it. Hopefully you can communicate that, and hopefully she will agree to it, as well.
Remember that Tess still loves you very much. Otherwise, she wouldn't have asked you to go along with polyamory.
It's an incredibly hard thing to overcome. I've been dealing with it the last few weeks myself. I think I'm finally starting to give it up, as far as trying to hold on to what we had, and go forward with what we have. It hasn't really changed anything at all. Only thing that has changed is how we feel about each other, and that hasn't been negative in any way.
It's going to take time to find a comfort area for everybody. That's just something you are going to have to figure out on your own. I still don't even know where mine is, really. I'm still struggling with everything, and I still have back-and-forth days. I think there have been days where I started out cool with poly, then didn't want it. Then I was for it again, but by the end of the day, wanted nothing to do with it. So it seems the back-and-forth thing is pretty normal.
Are things going too fast for you? Is that why you want to fight it so much? Just remember that you have as much of a stake in this as Tess. If you need to start out slow, then so be it. Hopefully you can communicate that, and hopefully she will agree to it, as well.
Remember that Tess still loves you very much. Otherwise, she wouldn't have asked you to go along with polyamory.
redpepper
Active member
Ah Freetime, I'm sorry you are feeling so low. It is indeed a process, but not the end of the world. Your stamina is being tested. Time to slow down. It sounds like she needs a break too, if she is sick of your talking about it so much.
Try not to take it personally. It's a shame she didn't say she needs a break, but there ya go. Things don't always come out the way they are intended. It takes practice to be patient and empathetic in communication. It's hard to not take others in consideration when words come out. I struggle with that too, as do others. Humans are inherently selfish, and in a fit of needing something to end, it is easier to throw one's hands up and say "fuck it" or "shut up already" than to realize what we are saying is not what we mean.
The language used should be more along the lines of, "I need a break for a bit. Can you give me 24 hours and then we will talk about it again?" or "I need a break from talking about this for now. Talk in the morning?" Very different way of saying it. Emotion does crazy things to our need for some sanity in it all.
Keep at it, my friend, and agree to take a break for a bit. She has been going great guns. It sounds like you have a need to catch up. I highly doubt you really think she should go out and fuck whomever because your marriage is done. From what I have read of you and your marriage, it sounds far from over, just changing. Change takes time and taking breaks is totally valid. Totally valid to ask for, too.
Try not to take it personally. It's a shame she didn't say she needs a break, but there ya go. Things don't always come out the way they are intended. It takes practice to be patient and empathetic in communication. It's hard to not take others in consideration when words come out. I struggle with that too, as do others. Humans are inherently selfish, and in a fit of needing something to end, it is easier to throw one's hands up and say "fuck it" or "shut up already" than to realize what we are saying is not what we mean.
The language used should be more along the lines of, "I need a break for a bit. Can you give me 24 hours and then we will talk about it again?" or "I need a break from talking about this for now. Talk in the morning?" Very different way of saying it. Emotion does crazy things to our need for some sanity in it all.
Keep at it, my friend, and agree to take a break for a bit. She has been going great guns. It sounds like you have a need to catch up. I highly doubt you really think she should go out and fuck whomever because your marriage is done. From what I have read of you and your marriage, it sounds far from over, just changing. Change takes time and taking breaks is totally valid. Totally valid to ask for, too.
TruckerPete
New member
Smart people here, Freetime. Listen to them. You're in our thoughts.
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Indigomontoya
New member
I have to say, Freetime, you're a braver man than I. I wouldn't be able to watch TP on a date. Mind you, at this point I have been on dates with Mr A there. You're very fresh and this going out might have been pushing you past your comfort limit.
It's self-destructive to torture yourself by seeing her out on a date. That being said, I've felt the same jealousy of TP going out and not anything about who she's with. Redpepper was right. When she goes out, plan to fill your time; I went to the gym, read, played xBox, did chores, anything to keep busy.
We're here for you. You are doing well. Keep it up and be patient. The frustration will pass.
It's self-destructive to torture yourself by seeing her out on a date. That being said, I've felt the same jealousy of TP going out and not anything about who she's with. Redpepper was right. When she goes out, plan to fill your time; I went to the gym, read, played xBox, did chores, anything to keep busy.
We're here for you. You are doing well. Keep it up and be patient. The frustration will pass.