I'm in over my head

sundance said:
He has told her from the start that he is not interested in being her husband. He wants to eventually settle down, but not with her.
Click to expand...

redpepper said:
I wonder if Carma will be okay when Butch finds a girlfriend. What would happen if they fell for each other more and connected more? Are there any plans for if and when things change? Or are you just living it for now? I asked about what would happen if love deepens, or your new found "happiness" finds someone else. Sundance said this was temporary and that you are not considered to be more than an in-between.
Click to expand...

I didn't take it as a temporary thing when I read Sundance's post. He stated how Butch wants to always be friends with them both when he eventually finds someone to "settle down with." To me, that seems to say that they have discussed things and are all as prepared as they can be for the relationship to evolve.

To say she's an in-between-- eek. wouldn't have thought to put it that way. It seems a bit like it discounts their dynamic (although I know you didn't mean it that way). Even though the sexual part of their relationship may be finite, with a possible end date, this seems to be a situation in which the players are rockin' what they've got, living in the moment with what is, and want to always stay connected in some way. I think that is absolutely lovely and heartwarming. It makes me hopeful, anyway. Why worry about something that isn't happening yet? I love reading about what they've got.
 
To use labels, I have been reading it that currently, Sundance and Butch are both primaries to Carma, though Butch has a slightly 'looser' connection.

I read that statement:
Originally Posted by sundance
Carma and Butch, her boyfriend, are respectful of each other. He has told her from the start that he is not interested in being her husband. He has told her that he wants to eventually settle down, but not with her. He wants to remain a friend to us both.
Click to expand...

to say that Butch will one day wish to find a 'traditional' marriage partner and family, but not exclude Carma and Sundance from that. Simply that he will then have someone 'more primary' than Carma, and she would move to a secondary, or even tertiary position for him, and that Carma and Sundance were aware of that and supportive of it.

It's very interesting to read the different ways people are interpreting the comments.
 
Last edited:
Thank you for your kindness and wisdom

Hi everyone,

I am Freetime's wife. I just wanted to thank you for your wisdom and kindness to us both. You have made a huge difference in both of our lives by being willing to share your own experiences, to ask difficult questions, and to encourage FT to speak with me about what he has been going through.

Blessings to you all.
SpiritGirl
 
Last edited:
SpiritGirl said:
I am Freetime's wife. I just wanted to thank you for your wisdom and kindness to us both. You have made a huge difference in both of our lives by being willing to share your own experiences, to ask difficult questions, and to encourage FT to speak with me about what he has been going through.

Blessings to you all.
SpiritGirl
Click to expand...

Welcome! It's so nice to see you here. :D
 
HI SpiritGirl! So nice to have you here.

Thanks to everyone who has read the posts here from Sundance and me. You are awesome people and I appreciate all of you so much.

It has been incredibly difficult to get where we are today, which is almost utopian, in my opinion. (I am just waiting for that damn snake to show up with another fucking apple.)

I've written so many scripts in my head about where this is going, what will happen, and how much it's going to hurt. I've agonized over it, and so has Sundance, to the point of sheer despair and serious talks about separation and divorce, and of ripping Butch Cassidy out of my/our life permanently.

LUCKILY, love writes its own story. :)

Today, this is where I'm at. I accept that Butch is likely to be my lover for a finite period of time. Unless something evolves and he decides he would like to explore something more unconventional, I don't foresee him wanting to pursue anything more invested, since that would involve living openly poly. It could happen, but I don't expect it to. I think all three of us teeter on the edge, wanting to be "hippies," and at the same time, conforming to society's norms.

I'll expound more on this, but I think I should start my own blog. I'm hijacking Freetime's, I fear. :confused:
 
Carma said:
HI Spiritgirl! So nice to have you here.

Thanks to everyone who has read the posts here from Sundance and me. You are awesome people and I appreciate all of you so much.

It has been incredibly difficult to get where we are today, which is almost utopian... I've written so many scripts in my head, about where this is going, and what will happen, and how much it's going to hurt. I've agonized over it and so has Sundance... LUCKILY, love writes its own story. I accept that Butch is likely to be my lover for a finite period of time. I don't foresee him wanting to pursue anything more invested, since that would involve living openly poly. I think all three of us teeter on the edge, wanting to be "hippies" and yet conform to society's norms.

I should start my own blog. I am hijacking Freetime's, I fear.
Click to expand...

No worries on my side of the computer, Carma. You, Sundance and the others have been and continue to be my teachers in this journey called polyamory.

Hello, SpiritGirl. I love you. I'm glad you're here. These are the people who have walked with me these short 20 days, and if I'm lucky, will continue to do so.

Have fun here, baby. I am.
 
Last edited:
Forgotten details

The date with M, that didn't go anywhere, but set this all in motion for me.

On 3/24/11, I went and met with M for a massage. He is a massage therapist who has worked with folks with back injuries and chronic pain. Tess made the referral. Yes, he knew/knows who I am.

Wow. Funny how meeting with someone takes the edge right off. M was and is no threat to me, my marriage or Tess. He's a good man. I now see why Tess likes him. If something ever did happen with Tess and M, I'd be good with it, I think.

Meeting him also showed me that I have some serious trust issues to deal with. Tess said he was no threat and a good guy, but it seems I either didn't, or wouldn't, believe her.

Anyway, I just wanted to keep this weird log as accurate as possible.

I'm off to see M again right now, for another massage/treatment. I'll tell ya how it went.

I actually like this guy. Wouldn't it be funny, weird, unusual if we became friends? It could happen.
 
Freetime said:
I actually like this guy. Wouldn't it be weird if we became friends?
Click to expand...

Weird for you, maybe, but pretty normal around here. I figure your wife has good taste. She picked you, didn't she?
 
Penny said:
Weird for you, maybe, but pretty normal around here. Figure your wife has good taste; after all, she picked you, didn't she?
Click to expand...

I forget just how much poly changes things. You're absolutely right, Penny. M is coming over on Saturday, for guy bonding stuff. I'll let ya know how that goes.

TruckerPete said:
I think it would be kinda funny if your wife got together with the guy who rubs you down. :D :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Yes, it would. You made me smile, TP. Thank you.
 
One thing I do know for certain is not to make this out to be more then it is. Easier said than done, but probably the most important thing I'm going to post here for me to see. (Too late, really. But hey, it's the thought that counts.)

I've gone through more shit, experienced more pain and caused more uproar in our relationship in the last 22 days than in I don't know how long, and so far, nothing has happened. How freaking awesomely painful is that? Tess still doesn't have a bf. We have no idea how or where to find her one. We're both tired of the discussion.

I think I should go away for a month and let everything happen as it may, without me stirring shit up. Anyone want a house guest?
 
redpepper said:
Head west, my friend, head west. :) Poly camp this summer. That'll fix ya. :D
Click to expand...

Really? Poly camp? Really? Really? I think my brain just melted.

Derbylicious said:
Yep, there are lots of us out here. It's a nice place to visit. You'll get a warm welcome.
Click to expand...

You folks humble me with your kindness. Thanks, Derby. I truly do wish we were out there right now as we go through this.

Poly camp... Really? :cool:
 
I'm confused.

I'm seriously considering going away for a month, maybe more, to let Tess do her thing without my baggage, issues, feelings, whatever getting in the way.

I love Tess. We've connected at a deeper, truer emotional and spiritual level since this journey into polyamory started. Amazing, really. But something's not right here. Maybe it's me, maybe not.

I've said this before, but it's true, my marriage, as I knew it, is over. The relationship I currently have with her isn't what it was one short month ago. The shift is subtle, but no less powerful because of it.

It's weird. It's like I woke up one day in an alternate reality. Everything looks the same, but I know deep inside it isn't.

The way Tess looks and acts at times, when we're together, startles me. It's nothing big or shocking that would cause others to notice. It's small things, like the way she carries herself when we're out together, or how she talks, or laughs.

Fuck! I'm not making any sense here. It's just fucking different.

I've taken off my wedding ring, because l don't feel the same about this relationship. I love Tess. I know she loves me. I just have no idea where I am with this right now.
 
Last edited:
Polyamory is a journey that needs to be taken together, if you're in a couple. Tess can't make progress without you also making progress, and vice versa.

So, if the idea behind you going away for a month is to let her date, fuck, whatever, without you having to witness it, you'll only be in a worse position when you come back. You'll be putting off dealing with whatever happens during that time.

If your motivation behind going away is to give you both space, during which she wouldn't be pursuing relationships with others, that's different.

Ask yourself (and maybe tell us), what you hope to accomplish by leaving.
 
I get it. I really get it. If I didn't have kids, I might've done the same thing.

Do what you gotta do. It could give everyone time to reflect and plan the future.
 
Freetime said:
My marriage, as I knew it, is over. The relationship I currently have with Tess isn't what it was one short month ago. The shift is subtle, but no less powerful because of it.
Click to expand...

People change and grow every day, whether they embark on a new type of relationship style, like polyamory, or not. Even if you were to stay monogamous, your marriage, at some point, would cease to be what you had thought it was or dreamed it could be. That's life. Change is the only absolute. Sometimes the change is radical and requires more strength than at other times. But really, the only thing you can ever count on is that nothing stays the same, ever.

This is wonderful, if you think about it, because when we hold onto thinking that things should stay the same, we stagnate, while life goes on around us. You have an incredible opportunity here for rebirth, a chance at newer, deeper self-examination than ever before, and a deepening of your love for one another.

If you jump ship now and hide out, you will deprive your self of an amazing journey. Think of it as tempering steel; the sword's strength comes from going into the fire again and again. Be brave. Just always keep in your sights the love you feel for Tess to get you through.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top