In a triad but questioning my sexuality.

Kitten0907

New member
So the situation goes something like this. I had a crush on my guy friend for the longest time. He’s always been unavailable and until recently I had kept it a secret to preserve our friendship. His girlfriend is sweet and caring and I can find no fault in her or have any reason to want to break them up.
About a year and a half ago they asked me to join them in the bedroom (a sexual fantasy they both had wanted to try) I agreed and admitted that I had feelings for him worried that it would make things weird. Tldr I enjoyed myself with the both of them. I had never really been intimate with anyone up until that point and had never really considered doing anything with another woman. I started to fall in love with her as well as falling harder for him and we started dating. My dilemma is while I love this girl and love the affection I sometimes find that I don’t feel any sexual attraction to her. Most of the time we focus on him and tag team or take turns more then with each other. She seems to enjoy both of us equally but I find sometimes with her feels like I’m just going through the motions. I don’t want to hurt her but I feel like I’m being dishonest about how I feel.
please no hate I just need some friendly advice. I don’t want to lose either one of them.
 

ref2018

Waitress in the Sky
Staff member
In response to the title of this thread, please remind yourself that bisexual people don't have to be attracted to everyone they meet. Also, no one should have sex with someone they aren't attracted to as a way to gain access to someone they do want to be with.

If they have a thing where it's both of them or neither of them, just say that you had fun, but you want to step back from the sex and just keep things friendly again. That is, if you really do want that and you want to avoid drama. Another thing you could do is sit down and ask the two of them where they see this going, and float the idea of dating the guy separately. Somehow it doesn't sound like option 2 is on the table though.

But please remember that although you may indeed not really be bisexual, just because you aren't attracted to this particular person doesn't mean that you aren't.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Could be honest. Could work on being more up front with people without the fearfulness.

Could say after trying this out? You want to stop with the threesome sex. It was a fun experiment, but it's done for you now. You care about her and love her, but are not IN love with her. Not sure you are actually bisexual.

Would they be wiling to talk about what comes next?
  • Dialing it back to being friends?
  • Changing to a poly V where you both date him? (If you really are willing to do a poly V, don't say it if you are not.)
  • Walk away entirely?
I get that you are afraid of the last choice. But you can't keep doing stuff you don't really want to do just because you are "afraid of losing people."

Some people are there only for a season. Some are for a lifetime.

I don’t want to hurt her but I feel like I’m being dishonest about how I feel.

It's not ok to hurt YOU just because you are afraid to state where you stand clearly and see someone else bummed out at the news.

You aren't doing stuff to HURT them when you state where you stand. They cannot be mind readers, right?

The situation just doesn't line up. Nobody's fault. And it's just part of dating. Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. No break up is FUN like "let's make cookies!" But it can be a good parting that's respectful.

Letting it carry on? Letting them think everything is hunky dory when really you are just going to the motions and not being honest? How is that you doing loving behavior toward them? Toward yourself?

Be brave. Be honest. Sort this out and have the conversations you need to be having. That is my suggestion.

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Kitten0907,

If you are comfortable continuing with the tag-teaming style of threesome, but just don't want to be directly involved with his girlfriend, you could say that to them, and add that you care about them both, you just aren't sexually interested in his girlfriend. Or, maybe you would prefer not to do threesomes at all anymore, and maybe you want to have sex with just him and would still like to be emotionally close to her. Whatever it is, be brave enough to tell them about it, so that you don't go on doing things that you'd rather not do. Not great options, I know, but that is my advice. It's better to be honest.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 

Kitten0907

New member
Update: so after reading some of these and talking to a close mutual friend I finally let them know how I was feeling. She suspected something was wrong the last couple times we kissed and she’d tried to engage me in some making out she said she noticed I was tight lipped and didn’t seem like I was in the mood. We are going to try and talk things out and figure out the best next move for all three of us tomorrow. She also suggested maybe we try a V partnership for a little while and that I should have said something sooner. I overthink things, it’s something all three of us have in common unfortunately so trying to work out personal issues is damn near impossible. I do appreciate all the advice and that so far no one has come after me or called me a “home wrecker” I got a lot of hate asking this on another poly forum instead of anything helpful.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sorry to hear that you weren't treated well on the other poly forum. It sounds like you are making progress with your two companions. Good for you for opening up to them. I hope you'll keep us updated as your situation evolves.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Some women have romantic feelings for women but not sexual feelings.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
She also suggested maybe we try a V partnership for a little while and that I should have said something sooner

Wow, she is a keeper; that is some high level adulting right there. Assigning a configuration label to relationships based on what the participants want, instead of the other way around, is something that people really struggle with.

Her instinct to adjust the configuration based on new information is something to be admired.

so far no one has come after me or called me a “home wrecker” I got a lot of hate asking this on another poly forum instead of anything helpful.

This forum is the only online discussion group I visit any more. People have become pretty savage out there and I generally consider the internet a good place to get broken down and attacked by random strangers.

So, welcome, and please don't tell anyone this place is here lol
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
She also suggested maybe we try a V partnership for a little while and that I should have said something sooner.

There you go. You had a talk, and while things need some sorting out as to what comes next?

You can relax a bit knowing that you are being more up front and honest with your people and more true to yourself/your values. Rather than saying nothing and just "going thru the motions."

GL!
Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
That sounds like a good outcome. However, from personal experience, your female friend might be feeling more hurt than she is letting on. (I could be wrong.) Now if she still desires sex with a female, she'll have to head out on her own, or seek another "unicorn" to "share" with the man. Try to keep your eyes open to her actually feeling hurt and rejected and maybe not all that cool with the hot sex you and her bf will still be having without her. It might upset the apple cart you are trying to ride.

Threesomes are too damn complicated for most people.

Good luck!
 

Kitten0907

New member
So after talking with the both of them. Bf does not want to go to a V, he comes from a very dysfunctional family and to him it seems too much like when his birth father would constantly cheat on his mom and his second wife. No matter how we tried to reassure him. They asked what I wanted and I told them, I enjoy the comforting type of affection she gives. It’s only when things start to get hot and heavy that my body tenses. We are going to try to continue as a Triad and my stubborn ass is going to have to speak up if I’m feeling uncomfortable 🙄 it seems so simple but I really struggle with it.
 

Evie

Moderator
I'm fairly sure you and the other woman can agree to not kiss each other or have sex with each other directly, even if there are times you have a threesome. You can both simply focus on him, and share that caring cuddle but not do anything that makes you tense up. If he insists you must have sex with his girlfriend to be dating him, then he's actually not worth dating.

Do you ever hang out with or have sex with him without her there, or does he consider even this cheating?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
We are going to try to continue as a Triad and my stubborn ass is going to have to speak up if I’m feeling uncomfortable 🙄 it seems so simple but I really struggle with it.

It is simple, but it's only easy if you've come up in a world that encourages advocating for yourself. It has been my experience that people rarely have an intact sense of their own boundaries, and speaking up when they aren't comfortable with something. For me, it has been a rather long learning process and I still find that I get it wrong more frequently than I'd like.

It's a journey though, so I'm glad to see that you are trying to dedicate your energy to a worthy cause (learning to be your own advocate).

Note that this should be confused for my encouraging you to continue on in a configuration that clearly doesn't work for you. With any luck your practice at setting and respecting your own boundaries will eventually give you the courage to say "nope, that just doesn't work for me, you guys have a blast though".
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You want to stop doing group sex. Because it was fun to experiment for a while, but you found you aren't actually sexually attracted to her. You screw up your courage to tell them this.

Bf does not want to go to a V, he comes from a very dysfunctional family and to him it seems too much like when his birth father would constantly cheat on his mom and his second wife. No matter how we tried to reassure him.

I don't understand this sentence. What does that mean?

BF doesn't want to be in a consenting V where he dates you and her separately and shares sex with you and her separate. It has to be everyone romantically involved with each other and group sex because the only way he can deal with his father's past cheating is to do group sex in his own life?

We are going to try to continue as a Triad and my stubborn ass is going to have to speak up if I’m feeling uncomfortable 🙄 it seems so simple but I really struggle with it.

I don't understand this sentence either. What does that mean?

You are going to keep doing the threesome sex you wanted to stop doing? And she's going to try to limit herself to "comforting affection" and not anything "sexually heavy" in your direction that makes you tense? And you will learn to speak up if she gets "too heavy?"

Isn't it easier to say "Thanks, but I'll pass. I don't want to do threesomes any more. Only 2 out of the 3 are up for that.

And since only 2 out of the 3 are willing to try a V, that's a no go also.

How about we go back to being friends?"

Galagirl
 

ref2018

Waitress in the Sky
Staff member
So after talking with the both of them. Bf does not want to go to a V, he comes from a very dysfunctional family and to him it seems too much like when his birth father would constantly cheat on his mom and his second wife.

Wat. Sounds like something a guy would say to keep the threesome secks from stopping.
We are going to try to continue as a Triad and my stubborn ass is going to have to speak up if I’m feeling uncomfortable 🙄 it seems so simple but I really struggle with it.
Wat. I thought your stubborn ass *is* uncomfortable with the triad. You aren't making any sense.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Kitten, do you mean that you'll continue having threesomes, but you'll just tell them right away -- during the threesome -- when something is making you uncomfortable?
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
We are going to try to continue as a Triad and my stubborn ass is going to have to speak up if I’m feeling uncomfortable 🙄 it seems so simple but I really struggle with it.
Of course you do because you're not honoring your body's very loud and clear voice. You have told us that you do not want to be sexual with this woman and you told them that you'd keep at it. There's your struggle. Your body is in fine working order and is talking to you. Listen.
 

Kitten0907

New member
I'm fairly sure you and the other woman can agree to not kiss each other or have sex with each other directly, even if there are times you have a threesome. You can both simply focus on him, and share that caring cuddle but not do anything that makes you tense up. If he insists you must have sex with his girlfriend to be dating him, then he's actually not worth dating.

Do you ever hang out with or have sex with him without her there, or does he consider even this cheating?
Our current situation is I’m lowkey living with him at his house. Partially because I drive him to work but also to help around the house. He still lives at home (we all do, we broke af) and his mom is an incredibly toxic person. I don’t like leaving him there with her alone. Our gf refuses to be around her for her own sanity sake. She’s almost asexual aside from the occasional spell so usually me and him have our fun and she is kept in the loop. His reasoning was “it’s no equal”
 

ref2018

Waitress in the Sky
Staff member
His reasoning was “it’s no equal”
Well is it because it's not equal, or is it because his father cheated... or is it because he'll say whatever it takes to keep getting threesome sex for as long as it lasts?

So not only is he emotionally blackmailing you into group sex, he is also pressuring *her* into *having* sex, otherwise *no one* gets any.

This guy's penis must be made of crack.
 
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