I don't have anything of substance to write about, but I just want to write. That's what journals are for, right? It's Friday night after a very long week. It's felt long, I'm not exactly sure why. Some weeks fly by but others drag. This week, November happened and I was happy it was this late in the year; it's been a very hard year although it's passed quickly overall.
I'm moving back to Hometown, alone. I keep telling people it's because I want to be closer to my parents while they are still able to enjoy my company, and me theirs. I'm not expected to be a caregiver once they are invalids, they have made very deliberate plans to be in progressive care. My dad turned 74 yesterday . Mum turns 81 in December. She's already expressed that she thinks 82 will be enough life, but I think she's going to be disappointed. She's in comparatively good health and of sound mind so will likely get much older before she passes. She'll be a little annoyed about that. Dad hasn't expressed an opinion but I'm sure, given the age gap, he's always imagined she'll go first. He might be sorely disappointed about that. He certainly came close last January with that stroke.
I believe myself when I say I want a good year with them. I also believe myself when I say I'm glad I've taken a one year contract so I get to make a new decision next year. I should be able to save enough to apply for the appropriate work visas to make crossing the equator a reality. I'm not sure where, although America obviously appeals. I just have to work out the financial intricacies of sending enough money home. I've started looking into doing that, be it from Howetown or overseas, as an investment. My house (small as it is as we recently discussed on BB's blog lol) is an investment and I will continue investing in it regardless of my relationship status with Adam. It's helped my attitude by seeing it this way. He and I will no longer nesting partners for a while, still partners although de-escalating significantly by becoming long distance again, but this time it's because I'm not just frustrated at the location that we're living in (like when I first joined this forum), but frustrated with him. We're growing apart for now, but I also believe there's a good chance we'll grow back together when I'm not so miserable with my job, my small town and my health. With my too small life. My health is already improving since I resigned. I can see a future of one year contracts ahead of me, it would suit my ADHD well. (If you can follow the wee leap between those last two sentences, remember not everyone can, and I see you.)
On another note, I'm wearing reading glasses more often, enough that I don't get seasick when I have to get up for a short walk (fridge, bathroom, etc.) so my brain is adapting.
Thank god the years pass quickly now as it doesn't feel quite like forever before I'll see Puck again. He's still going through shit, but he's keeping going. I fantasize about what life would be like if I could get a job in his town, rent his rental, have the kind of income that would make everyone's lives easier. I don't think his school district pays quite that well, but dreams are free. Oh, Selene got a new job with a nice salary so there is some financial success in the polycule (although they have no financial interdependence.) And admittedly, my financial position is only going to get stronger next year now that my student loan is paid off. My only debt is my mortgage, but adulthood is a crazy long list of financial obligations, so I don't feel like there's any real financial freedom. Insurance, rates, amenities including solar which won't see real returns for a decade. Grid power on top, transport, home maintenance, and never ending increases in food prices. And then, being a teacher, there's everything I spend for school. Somewhere in there I've also managed accommodation in Hometown when I've visited.
I'm staying with Tech's widow again later this month when I have to spend a couple of days at my new job. (Schools here have a nice informal agreement that when teachers are moving on they get leave with pay to visit the new school.) Last time I stayed with her was...rough. Good, but emotional. We both grieve still. I made rack of lamb for dinner for us because I got utterly fixated on it a few days before my last visit. She told me it was his favourite dish. I don't know how I feel about communication from beyond, but I've experienced it more than once so... maybe. Perhaps somewhere deep inside I already knew it, even though Tech and didn't dine together - well, once, but no lamb. I miss his presence in this world.
I'm going to go try calling Siege, I'm feeling nostalgic. Last time I saw him was at Tech's memorial service. I should ask Tech's widow what they did with his body. It wasn't made public. I want to know if they went for cremation or donation to science. Or both. I've been wondering about what I want to do with my body. For a long time I was in the donation to science camp, but I'm wavering a little. Am I becoming too selfish? Rhetorical.