In the garden

I hope those suing States win! There are so many reasons why Trump isn't fit for office, it's ridiculous he still has a chance in the primaries.

I'm devastated to report that our right wing won. We have a coalition system of government and as of last night, two parties (centre right and mid right) could form a majority and keep the far right out because even they understand that the far right party has some policy demands that would alienate the public. It's nerve wracking though, and one of my former partners, Chalk, will lose his job as the new government will dissolve the government agency he works for (they are scrapping Māori support organisations, racist fuckers.) Across all agencies, around 15,000 people are predicted lose their jobs. There will be some big changes in education, too, mostly targeting primary schools.

It angers me that so many votes for absolute minority parties were totally wasted. We really need a Transferable Vote system (rank your preference) so that if their dumb asses want to vote for a party that will not get a seat in parliament, their ranked choices eventually get to a party that will.

I consider myself a swing voter, I have voted centre right before, but that's when the centre left have been in total disarray as a party and I haven't been confident in their ability to govern. But this time, with a centre right led government, I'm deeply concerned for minorities and marginalized groups. And to be scrapping the government agencies that support equitable outcomes for Māori...devastating.

Australia also just voted "No" to enshrining in their constitution, an indigenous government advisory group. ADVISORY. Not even guaranteed seats in parliament, simply a lobby group, and they voted No. I'm sick to death of white supremacy.
Oh no! That is truly horrifying. Humans really seem to be wired for xenophobia. That's the only way I can explain it. That whole "us vs them" thing... Shit.
Puck and I still haven't managed to have a chance to touch base. I'm starting to get annoyed at the whole thing and feeling very "over there" since everyone else was probably at the festival. Sure, they wouldn't have had much time to spend together, but they weren't just waiting until it was over. I'm just sick of waiting, which I used to be able to cope with because I'm quite a fan of "waiting is" as part of my philosophy (from "Stranger") but it seems all I ever do is wait for him. Yes, I'm venting and this too shall pass, but arrrgghh. I'm also very tired because my classes are exhausting me and I really dislike more of my students than I ever have before. I'm tired of looking for the good in some of them. Most are fine, some are awesome and I'll really miss them, but there's more than a handful of straight up assholes and they are doing my head in. This is burnout term.

I want to be able to lean on Puck but circumstance means I've been having to stand on my own two feet constantly for pretty much a month now. I'm realising I'm both desperate to feel his support again but reluctant to share much of myself since he'll still be adjusting back to normal life for a while, and that will bring back all the other stuff he's not been able to be working on while festivals have been running. And then there's likely to be something else crop up that requires his undivided attention. I want him to see me again. I want to know that he can understand how it feels for me being so far removed from that part of his world.

I want to know what I'm doing next year so we can book travel. I haven't received any other interview offers, let alone job offers. I'm concerned that I'm going to end up in another dead end job in a shitty school.

Have I mentioned I'm absolutely knackered? I'm not usually quite this pessimistic, it's just a symptom of a pile of shitty circumstances.
Today, we finally got to talk. It was peaceful, although I did enquire as to why he balked at 3 weeks and countered with 2. He said he didn't think he could get 3 weeks off work at that time. I was perplexed - he's a remote worker. He thought I wanted that length of time with him doing only holiday things. I made it quite clear that I expected that he would have some work to do and that's why being in a new city would be so good - I could go amuse myself and explore (I love exploring a city alone) while he worked and we could basically just enjoy cohabiting for a few weeks. I know his schedule enough that he doesn't work 12 hours a day every single day, so there would be plenty of time for, well, dinner and sex, because that's really what we'd spend our time together doing. But I pointed out that it was contingent upon me *not* getting a job that starts straight away, and I can't actually afford it now anyway because I bought an oven (and I've actually had to raise the grocery budget again). I said I'd save up significantly for his trip over here in April, which we'll book once I know which city I'm working nearest to. We can have even nicer dinners out :)

Overall, it was easy to reconnect, even though I've had some very low lows while he's been busy.
Today is Labour Day and I've spent it sending out job applications. It's exhausting. I'm honestly starting to get worried I won't get a job I'll really thrive in - worst case scenario, I'll still not have secured a position by December and will be taking whatever is left in January, which could mean ending up even more in the middle of nowhere. I'm now casting a wide net, but still at schools I'd really want to teach at. There are actually a lot more positions advertised right now - the shortage of teachers in my subject is definitely showing. Some application processes are far more involved than others and I appreciate the ones where it really is just CV and cover letter now and all the rest later.

I've had more chances to chat with Puck yesterday and today. He's struggling with exhaustion, sleeping poorly due to a bad burn. Adam and I went to Wellington last Friday - he had a couple of meetings, so I basically just tagged along. I met up with a friend on Friday afternoon but was back at the airbnb by 6 and could barely keep my eyes open by 8. I slept pretty well. I need another good sleep tonight after all the brain power used today.

I've been a bit stressed about how much money is going out lately, that oven was actually a major install as it needed more power than we had going to the old one, and some upgraded electrical fittings. But it's done and I will pay for it when the invoice arrives. This year is the turning point for finances and next year, so long as I get a job, should see a big difference/improvement. Once I know where I'll be working, I can really plan for Puck to visit. I cannot wait to see him!!!
This morning, I had an interview (by video) and this afternoon, I verbally accepted the job offer.
Oh my gosh, that's exciting!
Just been visiting an older neighbour (77 years). I mentioned I was on a polyamory forum. "What's polyamory?" I explained. "Oh, I was in a throuple for five years!" I didn't ask which decade, but I look forward to hearing more of her story in the future, if she's willing to tell it.
Gabe's going to be back in town in December. I hope we connect this time.
I don't have anything of substance to write about, but I just want to write. That's what journals are for, right? It's Friday night after a very long week. It's felt long, I'm not exactly sure why. Some weeks fly by but others drag. This week, November happened and I was happy it was this late in the year; it's been a very hard year although it's passed quickly overall.

I'm moving back to Hometown, alone. I keep telling people it's because I want to be closer to my parents while they are still able to enjoy my company, and me theirs. I'm not expected to be a caregiver once they are invalids, they have made very deliberate plans to be in progressive care. My dad turned 74 yesterday . Mum turns 81 in December. She's already expressed that she thinks 82 will be enough life, but I think she's going to be disappointed. She's in comparatively good health and of sound mind so will likely get much older before she passes. She'll be a little annoyed about that. Dad hasn't expressed an opinion but I'm sure, given the age gap, he's always imagined she'll go first. He might be sorely disappointed about that. He certainly came close last January with that stroke.

I believe myself when I say I want a good year with them. I also believe myself when I say I'm glad I've taken a one year contract so I get to make a new decision next year. I should be able to save enough to apply for the appropriate work visas to make crossing the equator a reality. I'm not sure where, although America obviously appeals. I just have to work out the financial intricacies of sending enough money home. I've started looking into doing that, be it from Howetown or overseas, as an investment. My house (small as it is as we recently discussed on BB's blog lol) is an investment and I will continue investing in it regardless of my relationship status with Adam. It's helped my attitude by seeing it this way. He and I will no longer nesting partners for a while, still partners although de-escalating significantly by becoming long distance again, but this time it's because I'm not just frustrated at the location that we're living in (like when I first joined this forum), but frustrated with him. We're growing apart for now, but I also believe there's a good chance we'll grow back together when I'm not so miserable with my job, my small town and my health. With my too small life. My health is already improving since I resigned. I can see a future of one year contracts ahead of me, it would suit my ADHD well. (If you can follow the wee leap between those last two sentences, remember not everyone can, and I see you.)

On another note, I'm wearing reading glasses more often, enough that I don't get seasick when I have to get up for a short walk (fridge, bathroom, etc.) so my brain is adapting.

Thank god the years pass quickly now as it doesn't feel quite like forever before I'll see Puck again. He's still going through shit, but he's keeping going. I fantasize about what life would be like if I could get a job in his town, rent his rental, have the kind of income that would make everyone's lives easier. I don't think his school district pays quite that well, but dreams are free. Oh, Selene got a new job with a nice salary so there is some financial success in the polycule (although they have no financial interdependence.) And admittedly, my financial position is only going to get stronger next year now that my student loan is paid off. My only debt is my mortgage, but adulthood is a crazy long list of financial obligations, so I don't feel like there's any real financial freedom. Insurance, rates, amenities including solar which won't see real returns for a decade. Grid power on top, transport, home maintenance, and never ending increases in food prices. And then, being a teacher, there's everything I spend for school. Somewhere in there I've also managed accommodation in Hometown when I've visited.

I'm staying with Tech's widow again later this month when I have to spend a couple of days at my new job. (Schools here have a nice informal agreement that when teachers are moving on they get leave with pay to visit the new school.) Last time I stayed with her was...rough. Good, but emotional. We both grieve still. I made rack of lamb for dinner for us because I got utterly fixated on it a few days before my last visit. She told me it was his favourite dish. I don't know how I feel about communication from beyond, but I've experienced it more than once so... maybe. Perhaps somewhere deep inside I already knew it, even though Tech and didn't dine together - well, once, but no lamb. I miss his presence in this world.

I'm going to go try calling Siege, I'm feeling nostalgic. Last time I saw him was at Tech's memorial service. I should ask Tech's widow what they did with his body. It wasn't made public. I want to know if they went for cremation or donation to science. Or both. I've been wondering about what I want to do with my body. For a long time I was in the donation to science camp, but I'm wavering a little. Am I becoming too selfish? Rhetorical.
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I'm back from the short trip to Hometown and visiting my new workplace. I also got a little time with my folks. That was following a baptism earlier in the day for unrelated friends (well, their baby). Then staying with Tech's widow, dinner, chats, nothing very serious this time.

Sunday I spent the afternoon writing reports. Monday and today I was at my new school, and then the nearly 4 hour drive home. I'm beyond tired. I wish I could pull a sickie tomorrow but it's a particularly big day. I'm going to miss a Thursday deadline but I am too tired to care right now.

I've not had much chance to speak with Puck lately, but one of his cats has aggressive cancer 😭 and, separately, one of my metamours is being difficult since holiday season is upon the US folk and she is feeling hard done by. I was struggling with facing the possibility that Puck wouldn't be able to afford to visit me in 2024 so I told him to reconcile himself with me footing the plane fare. He sought counsel from trusted friends and got told to not be a fucking idiot about finances and just do it. We'll talk about booking the tickets the next time we get a proper call, which I've just realised won't be this weekend because of Thanksgiving. I miss him, we've had so little time lately.

It was actually nice to come home to Adam today. He understands how exhaustion affects me and is very emotionally supportive.

Oh, I got the bright idea to apply for a pre-approval for a small mortgage in case I can get a tiny apartment in Hometown. He did his interview with the bank yesterday and they asked for more paperwork today. If I get a "no" it will be because of his finances. I guess I'll try applying by myself if it comes to that. I know what I can afford and I'd only need three months of living separately to prove it.

I'm going to sleep early and deal with tomorrow when it comes.
I (we) got the pre-approval for a small mortgage for an apartment if I want to look into that. It revealed that Adam is netting around $150 more a week than he'd led me to believe. I have been too angry to even discuss it.
So, Adam and I have had the discussion. Timelines have been established and he's said why he concealed it. I'm tired, sad, feeling like a failure. I've made some adjustments for next year, financially. I wish it was already January and I could get on with my new life in Hometown.
Oh! I am sorry he's been dishonest about his income. I don't understand why he'd do that. But I hope everything will be OK with your future plans.
He's given me enough of a reason that I understand why he chose to do that. That's why I feel like I've failed. I had a big talk with Gaze last night, not that I remember much of it, but I needed a shoulder to lean and cry on, and Puck has more than enough going on with him right now and isn't available.
My work colleague noticeably made hand contact with me today. It's the second time. I'll be good and not do anything to lead him into temptation, that should be easy since I only have one week left at this job.

I. Have. One. Week. Left. At. This. Fucking. Awful. Job.

In saying that, there are some wonderful, amazing, beautiful soul students who I am very sad to leave behind and I will remember forever. But this place has turned me into a worse teacher, a worse person. I need a new beginning.

I've told people a million different palatable reasons that I'm leaving here, even I've begun to believe them all. But the bottom line is that my mental health has/had deteriorated so much that I attempted to nuke my life. I got angry at Adam, I hated being trapped in this particular small town, I was exhausted being in debt, and I wanted to have my life on my own terms again.

Once I indicated my intention to resign, I started feeling better. I settled debt other than my mortgage, I got even better. I got a job in Hometown and felt confident that I wasn't in a totally dead end job now. And someone sort of flirted with me, and perhaps there's something left of my sexuality even though I don't have anyone to really share it with right now.

Now, I just need to find somewhere to live next year.
I. Have. One. Week. Left. At. This. Fucking. Awful. Job.

Say it louder for the people in the back!! :D
I've been chatting with Mike today. We want to catch up properly before I move to Hometown. I wish he would be affectionate, but it's just not his style. Still, I'd rather see him than not, I really do count him as a friend.

Then I was having a lovely chat with a random on Feeld and the app stopped working 😭 I've lost all my connections and conversations. I have no way of contacting that guy again because the app knows we're connected, but I can't see anything from connections. I really hope they fix it, but I'm annoyed as all hell. It was a very promising conversation. Cock blocked by a dating app, go figure.

Update: according to a tweet from Feeld, there's a bit of a major issue with the new app launch. Fingers crossed that it can be salvaged.
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Puck's been out of town for the weekend with Iris, a bit of a work trip for her and he was along almost as an assistant for some aspects. They had a good time, and he got to speak with me while he was there - this is bonus for me of them being friends and not partners now; he doesn't have to go radio silent when he's away with her.

So, because he went on a jaunt with Iris, Charli threw in the towel. I guess she wasn't getting the hang of poly after all. Not sure it will stick, but right now he's pretty darn peeved with her, which even he admits isn't his usual M.O. for a breakup. He thinks it may be that he's got better boundaries now. I hope he can work through his peevishness though, it's spilling over a bit, which I understand since this is very raw for him. I am just hoping we can spend some time this coming weekend focusing on us for a bit, it always seems to be about someone else at the moment.

On the Feeld note, I managed to break into my messages with a slightly annoying back door. It means I've give the really lovely chap I was messaging another way to contact me. I really hope he does.
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The Feeld guy finally broke into his messages and found me! We had a lovely chat this morning (I woke up far, far too early after a very early night due to a bit of a bad turn) and are both looking forward to the next one. This guy gets it. Big time.

I also have a coffee date with a Feeld sort-of-local next week. Handily, he lives closer to Hometown so although he's just passing through next week, there could be a chance to catch up a lot more next year.

And Gabe is back in the country in the next day or two so I should get to meet him next week when I go to Hometown.

I love December and the end of my work year. I feel like I can prioritise myself a little bit more.

Quite a few students have been telling me that they'll miss me. There's quite a few I'll miss, too, but I am glad I'm following my need for change.
Well, Puck and Charli are giving it another shot. I'm not happy, I'm seriously tempted to say I'm not booking him tickets to visit me until we see how this goes and I actually don't care if that means next January; I'm loathe to subject him, and as a flow on effect, me, to her fucking meltdowns because of said travels. He won't like it, but the more I think about it, the more I want evidence that they are functional (or fully broken up) before I put myself back in the crossfire. I want him to be able to fully enjoy being here with me, not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Partly, Charli's mad that he went away with Iris at short notice (he was her second choice, he barely had time to mention it to me, either) and thinks it's weird that he went out of State with his ex. This is the mono mindset kicking in - that exes are often/usually excluded from one's life entirely - whereas Puck and Iris have really come to this as a de-escalation back to friendship, and traveling away together has more of a "girls' weekend" vibe than a romantic getaway. Charli just doesn't get it, and she hated it when I was there last time because it was a romantic trip. She's just not fucking poly, and I don't want to be in a polycule with her. But just because I don't want to doesn't mean I won't, but I appear to have found a new boundary and I see a clear way to enforce it...I will not commit to travel plans with him until such time as he has evidence that Charli can manage herself when he is with other people for extended periods of time. This pretty much rules out April straight away, and my other holidays, July and October, are festival season anyway.

I'm not happy, but I'd be less happy with a shit April.