In the garden

I'm not well, I don't know what's wrong, hopefully it will pass this weekend and I can go back to work on Monday. I'm exhausted, I can't get up and do anything without becoming deeply fatigued. I'm testing negative for Covid and it doesn't feel quite the same as when I did have Covid - perhaps it's some kind of Long Covid flare, I'm not sure. I'm a little worried, I don't have time for this.
 
I hope you feel better soon! I had 2 bouts of "not Covid" last year. I tested negative but the bouts were so strange, not like a flu or a cold. I read that if you have any Covid-like symptoms, you probably have it, even if you test negative.

Or yeah, maybe it's a long Covid situation type deal.

Don't go to work if you're exhausted. You might pass it around to the school, whatever it is. People are allowed to get sick.
 
I'm feeling somewhat better today, finally. It's been a week

I have another long day (8pm finish) but I have a different schedule today that makes it far more bearable.

With midwinter holidays next week, I'm far more aware of the need to throw myself into getting my paperwork in order so I can apply for jobs overseas. Of course, I've already got other plans for week 1 so I'll have to really try and make the most of my time.

I was feeling...something today, so I texted Golf and had a bit of a chat. Told him I'm leaving next year for a while to go be solo. I also messaged Ayin to see if he's available next Friday. I could detour on my way back from Hometown. He hasn't seen the message yet.

At least I've gotten to talk with Puck a couple of times this week. The weekend is forfeit as he's working, but I'm secure in our relationship, just missing him.

Ugh, time to go do something resembling work. I'm too cold for this today!
 
12 hours yesterday, 11 today, but tomorrow is mostly an admin day with just one meeting AND a much earlier finish. Then holidays.

I was just holding on to sanity this morning, kids were pushing my buttons on top of utter tiredness. Then I had a good class (and I spent a lot of the time doing 1-1 work with a student who wanted to) only to then discover another had stolen chocolate out of my desk that was intended for a later class 😡 it's just chocolate, sure, but the only suspect has been caught stealing (money) before. I referred him to the counselor as he already has social relationship issues within the class and year group.

Ayin isn't available to catch up over the holidays which is a pity. Sure, I'm meeting a couple of new people in Wellington all going to plan, but it would be so nice to hang out with someone familiar. Feeld has provided the new people, it's not a bad app. A little expensive, but enjoyable enough.

I'm hoping I can get a bit of a better chat with Puck tomorrow, especially as he's away for work this weekend. I'm concerned our original plans for January are going to go pear shaped amidst my move. I hate being at the stage of life where everything revolves around work!
 
Mammogram verdict: that didn't hurt at all! I was expecting her to squish me way flatter than that! Of course, I have hardly anything to squish, but it was fine :)

I got quite a few things ticked off today. And quite a few things I've neglected, but oh well. It's a better day than the last two where I was so deep in recovery mode I didn't get out of bed much at all. Tomorrow, I'm off to Hometown to see my parents, and I have a date at 7pm - that's late for me in the middle of winter. I'm really affected by the short days, but I'm looking forward to meeting him.

I still need to pack, water all my indoor plants, and top up the oil and air in the car. Honestly, the oil desperately needs changing so I'll try and get it in to the garage next week since I have no idea how to do it myself (and am not sure how I'd dispose of the old oil even if I could).

I had the most lovely conversation with Puck last night. I have been really feeling torn between when I can start whatever my new job is, and hosting him over January. My final verdict...fuck work. I'm far, far more interested in hosting him when and where I want, and this year that is near and in Hometown. I'll will make the beginning of 2024 work somehow. HE is my priority this summer, especially after that excessive Covid bullshit. I'm going to work to live, damnit, not live to work.
 
That 7pm date messaged me at 6:45 stating how he was doing something that needed to be finished by tomorrow and was only half way through. I asked him if he was cancelling, to which he waffled back at me some non-committal thing, so I said I was going regardless because I'm hungry and he's welcome to join me, or not. Then I got to the chosen pub only to discover it was their quiz night, and of course packed full and I couldn't get a seat at all. He's local to the suburb and said he liked the place. (He should have known about the pub night then...I can't help but think I was duped the whole time and he never actually wanted to meet up.) I let him know that I was going to the other restaurant in the suburb, he saw the message and didn't reply, so I unmatched with him; I don't give second chances for first dates.

Oh, and dinner was weird and disappointing, I should have gotten Dominoes or Subway or something cheap and cheerful, but I was all dressed up and I wanted a nice meal. Maybe I'll get one before this week is over, but I'll take myself out again rather than plan for company.
 
Ugh, what a jerk!
 
Second week of winter break and today I've mostly been getting the house clean and tidy again. I'm about to try and find my paperwork (qualifications, ID) so I can start applying for overseas jobs. It seems daunting right now. I'm trying to tell myself I can do this, just a bit at a time. Puck is really busy with festival stuff right now, I probably won't see him for a week or so, so I'm going to try and get it all done while he's busy so I can tell him I've done it all next time I see him. The winter blues are getting to me though.

Everything else is just the same old same old that I'm trying to escape from. Well, there are hopefully a couple of milestones coming up soon with regards to my current (collective) contract at work. Fingers crossed it will finally be accepted by both parties and we can all get a pay rise (which won't actually be pay rise because of how high inflation is right now). I just need enough back pay to finally pay off my student loan and credit card and start saving, as well as a couple of small home improvements.

The credit card took a hammering in Hometown, I used the opportunity of being in the city to buy some new work clothes.

If I really ever do end up earning enough, I'd like to be mid-maintenance for a while. I wouldn't know how to be high maintenance, but I'd like to get my hair cut/styled every six weeks, professionally dyed once in a while. Get my nails done. Massages quarterly. All the things I don't do now. I really want a life, not even "again" - just one that I've never had before. Thank you mid-life crisis.
 
Puck's festival began today. I miss him so much right now but I'm also really hoping he can disconnect from being "on duty" for all the work he puts in and simply enjoy himself.

I booked a doctor's appointment for next Tuesday (earliest convenient time). Something doesn't feel right with my sense of awareness. I have very fleeting moments of confusion which feels different to just perimenopause brain. It's about time I had a general check up anyway, especially as I'd like to move overseas next year. I watched a tiktok the other day from someone who was about 70 giving advice to those in their 40s saying it was still so young and to remember just how young it actually is. I took it to heart. But goddamn I'm tired of everything. Is this long Covid? Or depression? Or stress? Or just perimenopause? Or something else?

I've come into work today in the hope of getting even the smallest thing done. I'm clearly not in the mood for it.

I get to meet Nova's new gf on Friday afternoon. I'm looking forward to that. Nova is bi, leaning more gay these days, but this is her first ever female partner. She's finally finding out about what she's been dreaming of. I'm thrilled for her.

Right, time for a great playlist and to find some motivation.
 
I ended up meeting Nova's gf (I'll call her Cassie) on Thursday and it was a fun evening; Nova and I ate and drank quite a bit but Cassie was more reserved. We then had a play with the tarot cards, attempting to tell a potential story for her for the next year. Nova is basking in NRE and it's delightful to see. They are already planning...things, which is probably par for the course for an early-mid 30s FF couple lol.

I'm really hoping I can talk with Puck tomorrow. I had a doctor appointment but it got postponed until Friday, so I'm free after work, and he might just be post-festival enough to manage a call. It's been rough going from talking every day to skipping 10 days, and the worst part is, I know he's got another three weeks coming up later this year when he goes abroad with Iris.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...Long distance is hard, really really hard. Add in all the other facets of life and I'm honestly astounded we are doing so well. I'm trying to believe that we can make next January happen. I want to be able to have another magical time together, because last January definitely had magic involved. I'm afraid we're forgetting just how much, how it truly felt.

I didn't get as far as I initially planned during the break with regards to getting prepared to apply for overseas work opportunities. I did manage to find all my qualification paperwork, so that's something. I hope the CV styles that are in vogue here are suitable for other countries, I'll probably end up asking Nova for hers and then simply overwriting it.

Adam and I just passed 11 years since our first date. We weren't deliberate about going out for any kind of celebration of it, but we did go out for dinner this past weekend. I'm still a little uneasy with the relationship, I'm still hurt with his lack of progress in the things that are actually important. There's been some movement forward, but it's the snail and the well. My mental health has tanked again so I'm back on 5htp. This is going to be a long 5 months until work is over, and I don't know what I'll do if I don't see real progress by Adam, professionally. Well, I do, I'll keep my intentions to go elsewhere, but I'll resent it deeply if I have to pay more than 50% of the essential costs while I'm away. That's a significant reduction from what I pay now, but it does mean I have a minimum income I need with whatever job comes next. I hope I can find something that suits me.
 
Hey Evie,
I get it re: wanting to leave. I just came back and it feels like I dived back in the coffee plunger and the press is slowly descending. I hope those baby steps to freedom are slowly but surely going to work out. A long sabbatical filled with lots of new experiences will be such an awesome adventure. Thanks for inspiring me to look at options in my field (although I’d have to convince Edgar to leave too)!

One thing I missed - what is the nature of unhappiness with Adam professionally? You mentioned financial pressures on your side and needing to land on your feet quickly if you’re moving to work abroad to support bills at home. Did you want him to change jobs too and/or take on more of the financial load? Would he not move with you or would you rather he didn’t? Apologies if I’m missing the obvious or misunderstanding something.
 
Hi Cathy. Thanks for the questions :) I want Adam to do an assessment which, when passed, would upgrade his qualification and consequently pay band by around 15K (gross). His study towards said assessment is in fits and starts. It would make him more employable overseas, too, should it ever be desirable to live together elsewhere.

Wherever I go next year though, I want to go alone. I need to explore by myself and enjoy being independent again. I live differently when I am not nesting with Adam, and I want to live like that again for a while.
 
Hi Cathy. Thanks for the questions :) I want Adam to do an assessment which, when passed, would upgrade his qualification and consequently pay band by around 15K (gross). His study towards said assessment is in fits and starts. It would make him more employable overseas, too, should it ever be desirable to live together elsewhere.

Wherever I go next year though, I want to go alone. I need to explore by myself and enjoy being independent again. I live differently when I am not nesting with Adam, and I want to live like that again for a while.
Ah, makes sense! On both fronts :) Thank you for clarifying. And yes, it’s lovely to be able to live as your own person.
 
I've started tracking my blood sugar levels courtesy of Adam's work kit. It's not what either of us expected. Going to have sore fingertips for a few days until my doc appointment on Wednesday!
 
So I went to the doc and got official blood tests and nothing's wrong, as usual. Which puts everything squarely back into the camp of long covid and perimenopause and hating my job.

It's looking less and less likely that I'll see Puck this January. I'm not sure what 2024 is going to look like for me, work wise. I am going to have to start to deal with that really soon. What I do know is it won't be here.

Puck and Iris have finally broken up for real. He's cycling through the emotions about that. They'll still have a lot of interaction as they have a significant shared recreational space, but the entanglement outside of that is significantly less. I think he'll be a lot healthier for it in the long run. Just like I'm hoping I'll be healthier when I'm solo next year. But before that, I have to maintain enough sanity to get through work for the next 4 months. It's going to be touch and go.
 
Yay! Glad to hear blood results were fine. Now that bridge has been crossed, the process of planning ahead will give you inspiration and anchors and a lift out of the doldrums.

Nobody knows what 2024 looks like - fingers crossed it will turn out to be better than you think it might look like. And I hope you get to see Puck. The distance is tough enough even when things are going well, so much harder when one of you is hurting.

I look forward to seeing your plans evolve (only if you want to share that, of course) :)
 
I'm glad he and Iris broke up. I still resent her for adding stress to your visit. :p
 
I'm glad he and Iris broke up. I still resent her for adding stress to your visit. :p
It was Charli that got fussy while I was there. Iris has had a lot of other meltdowns at inconvenient times, but she just wrote those days off and stayed clear.

Charli is currently working with a therapist and all the recommended poly books to get more comfortable with being a polycule member. I asked Puck if she's likely to stumble across here and my blog and he said he didn't think so as she's not really an online person. I guess I'd feel a little uncomfortable if she read my blog and how I felt about her intruding on Puck's time during my visit, but it's a sorry not sorry thing. I've been writing here for about seven years, this is my space and if anyone in Puck's life reads it and recognises him or themselves, so be it.

My biggest fear right now is that Puck might not be able to visit here next January because of finances. He says he should know in the next few weeks.
 
It was Charli that got fussy while I was there. Iris has had a lot of other meltdowns at inconvenient times, but she just wrote those days off and stayed clear.
Ah, OK. It sounds like they both struggle with being part of a poly network then?
Charli is currently working with a therapist and all the recommended poly books to get more comfortable with being a polycule member.
Great!
I asked Puck if she's likely to stumble across here and my blog and he said he didn't think so as she's not really an online person. I guess I'd feel a little uncomfortable if she read my blog and how I felt about her intruding on Puck's time during my visit, but it's a sorry not sorry thing. I've been writing here for about seven years, this is my space and if anyone in Puck's life reads it and recognises him or themselves, so be it.
Yeah. Not to mention, that visit was a while ago now. If she wants to go back and read the older parts of your blog out of some kind of stalkerish jealous place, well, that's a deeper problem.
My biggest fear right now is that Puck might not be able to visit here next January because of finances. He says he should know in the next few weeks.
I'm sorry that he hasn't been able to save up!
 
Ah, OK. It sounds like they both struggle with being part of a poly network then?
Yeah, that's what Puck's told me. Usually I'm not the problem since I'm so far "over there" by being half a world away, but Charli just couldn't manage her feelings around my visit. I'm glad she's in therapy now. And I'm relieved that Iris and Puck have broken up for the last time.

I'm sorry that he hasn't been able to save up!
There's been a ridiculous number of home maintenance costs for him this year, the latest of which is the hot water cylinder springing a leak and needing replacing. At least he could do the labour on that himself. And although he finally got a tenant about two months ago, there was a hold up with her social services grant paperwork, so he hasn't received any rent yet.

There's something major wrong with Renee's car now, too.

Life isn't just what happens when you are making other plans, often life gets in the way of making other plans.
 
Back
Top