In the garden

[Evie]

Puck usually has a pretty steady rhythm to his year - I know when the burnout is coming and when he starts saying things that I have to be mindful not to take personally because they would be quite hurtful if I let them be. This year, he's early. Largely because he's been burning the candle at both ends, and somehow the middle as well. It's not just about how many hours in the day, but all the different projects he's trying to manage and people he's trying to help. Usually this comes to a head in August and yet it's only April right now. Actually, something pretty significant must have been going on last April, too, since I threw in the towel for a while just about now.

So today he tells me how he just wants to go get a cabin in the woods and switch off his phone and talk to no-one for a week. Total alone time to recharge his introverted self. Unfortunately, he simply can't afford that right now, and I can't afford to gift it to him, as much as I really want to. He tells me that the two difficult members of the polycule are not coping with him expressing this need to switch off to recharge (they are feeling abandoned just because he expressed this need/want) and are asking him for attention and reassurance right when he doesn't have the energy to give that attention. Goodness knows I probably feel exactly the same way as they do, I just know how to manage my own emotions about it and not try and get him to manage them for me. It's hard, since I immediately jump to horrible "what ifs*" but I know that's a me problem. I also know (as should they, no-one is totally new here) that by next moon he'll be in a different place again. There will always be good times ahead.

*For many years, I didn't leave the country with the "what if something happens to a parent while I'm gone" fear. Well, I was still in the air on the way to the US last January when my dad had a life-threatening stroke, so no-one is ever allowed to tell me I'm catastrophizing again lol.


Update: My aunt just called...Dad went to hospital again this morning. Unknown issue this time. I've left Puck a message cancelling our evening call because I don't want to add more to his plate. I haven't said why because I don't want him to feel like he has to do any emotional labour in supporting me as I deal with this. Dad should be fine, they just need to work out what's wrong with him. Honestly, I just wish I could get in the car and go to see my parents, but my aunt has said that's not necessary. I'd be struggling to afford it, and I'm honestly too emotional to do the 4 hour drive safely anyway. But I'm scared. I'm scared that the current "stable" situation will turn in an instant.

Update 2: Dad's back home. I can breathe again.

 

[Evie]

I'm not really doing so well right now. I've recognised how bad it's gotten so I've just started taking some serotonin and dopamine supplements again. I'm exhausted tonight, which might also be the 'flu jab I had this afternoon, free courtesy of work.

Work is...demoralising. I find myself wishing for alternatives. Unfortunately, I don't have the energy right now to actively create positive ones. I started smoking again, then stopped when my chest got too painful. So I started eating too much again, and am now trying to stop that since the scales found a brand new number.

I'm just so tired. I know this will pass, I just hope it passes soon. Winter is going to be tough.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I hope Adam and Puck are supporting you, and that you feel better soon.

 

[Evie]

I'm not going to derail another thread but I wanted to touch on sapiosexuality. Defined as finding intelligence sexy. I can absolutely assure readers that it is not incompatible with sex work.

 

[Evie]

About 3 weeks ago, I was feeling extremely...done...with life as it currently is. About 10 days ago, I pretty much lost my shit entirely, moved out for a week, and have since decided to move my three 3 1/2 year timeline for having a sabbatical from life here up to 1/2 a year, or just over. I'll see out the end of my work year, wait until flights are not obscene prices again, and hopefully have secured a job before I hop on a plane.

Of course, the universe being what it is might have entirely different plans, but right now, those are mine. I'm rather daunted by the number of ducks I have to get in a row to do this, but I'm simply not thriving here and I am going to take some time away from this small town, in a small country, a hell of a long way from anywhere.

I thought I owed my job some longevity, but there are more frustrations in this role than not. I'm very likely to get a massive culture shock teaching anywhere else (more than anything, with the rigour of the paperwork elsewhere, we really are quite slack here) but I'd love to work in an international school somewhere. Germany, Italy, possibly UAE although I expect I'll have to have some experience with a different qualifications framework first. NZ's isn't recognised anywhere else in the world (hint: it's rubbish).

Financially, well, that will be interesting. Adam and I aren't splitting assets at this point in time - he really wants me to come home once I feel I've had enough of being overseas - so I'm going to have to be able to start work very quickly. I'm honestly not quite sure how it's all going to happen. I actually might have to do some time in Australia first, save up a bit before crossing the equator (at least their school year matches ours). Right now, there are more unknowns than not, but the main thing is I need a break from being here. A significant one.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm glad to get your update on the big change you need in your life! Here's to getting all those ducks in a row.

 

[Evie]

Sometimes, I wish I could talk with Puck when I just can't. Time zones are a major culprit, and then there are other times when he's simply spending the day/night with someone else. The only time I would even attempt to interrupt him when I know he's with someone else is if there was an thing that I couldn't handle in that moment, like someone died level thing. That hasn't happened, and is unlikely to, so although there are times when I really, really wish I could talk to him because something else feels really big, I put it on the backburner until it's our time to talk again. Sometimes, that's not a comfortable feeling, I want to turn to him, he's my partner and a best friend. But I wait, because nothing right now is that important that I feel the need to intrude upon his time with a metamour. I should be able to touch base with him tomorrow, and then we have a three day weekend so I'm planning on being able to talk with him properly on Monday.

I'm staying at Nova's tonight. She's away visiting her parents and Adam is at work, but our flatmate is at home and I just wanted to be away, somewhere I could truly have the house to myself, even if it's not my house. I really appreciate that Nova is good with me coming and going. I suspect I'll be here quite a bit over the next 6 months.

I spoke with my parents this afternoon. They've chosen the same timeline to plan to move from an independent living unit to a serviced apartment in their retirement village. I didn't tell them my plans; it seems like the universe might yet throw spanners in the works, but I'm taking baby steps towards those plans anyway. I'm also pretty sure I woefully underestimate just how big any city anywhere else actually is. I've been looking for international schools and I have no idea how I'll manage to sell my self as a good candidate since I haven't taught IB before. Still, my subject doesn't have the same kind of lens that many of the humanities do, so perhaps it will be enough to be an experienced teacher who can adapt to new types of assessment.

Now I'm 45, I qualify for a free mammogram every couple of years. I have my first one booked for July. Mum always complained about how painful they were, and I'm a big sook when it comes to pain so I'm not looking forward to it.

Adam noticed today how uncomfortable I was with him telling me he loved me. We talked, I expressed that right now I don't really feel authentic in a reply in kind since I've built up a little too much resentment about living where we are, how we are. We moved here because he wanted to live in this town, and I didn't have a particularly better alternative at the time but, for a number of reasons, I don't want to stay here or even move with him somewhere else. I need more freedom than nesting allows right now. And so, even though I will technically have a home to return to, I'm going to move back to having two long distance relationships. I'm good with that. Very good.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm so glad to get more details about the big changes you are contemplating. It's good you have a place to go to be quiet and think things through.

As for mammos, I've had two or three. I have a D cup and they didn't hurt me. It was pressure, but it only lasted a few seconds. My last one was painful only because of the darn bursitis/arthritis I've developed in my left shoulder, because you have to raise your arm up in a certain awkward way for some of the imaging.

Pixi is a small firm B cup and she's had one mammo. I think they were more difficult for her because of trying to get the smaller amount of firm breast tissue into the machine part.

Everyone is different, so don't just go on what your mom said.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I have small boobs and my mammogram was uncomfortable but nowhere near as bad as I had heard. The worst part was one view where I had to drape my arm over the top of the contraption and the corner was digging into my armpit. A few deep breaths and it was over. How do you compare pain tolerance though? It was more uncomfortable than a pap smear or dental cleaning (which are minor nuisances) but less uncomfortable than an IUD insertion (or my terrible endometriosis periods before that!) and nowhere near appendicitis or a broken/dislocated elbow (which made me CRY).

I'm convinced that fear magnifies pain more than anything else - and fear of the unknown tops the list.