Puck usually has a pretty steady rhythm to his year - I know when the burnout is coming and when he starts saying things that I have to be mindful not to take personally because they would be quite hurtful if I let them be. This year, he's early. Largely because he's been burning the candle at both ends, and somehow the middle as well. It's not just about how many hours in the day, but all the different projects he's trying to manage and people he's trying to help. Usually this comes to a head in August and yet it's only April right now. Actually, something pretty significant must have been going on last April, too, since I threw in the towel for a while just about now.
So today he tells me how he just wants to go get a cabin in the woods and switch off his phone and talk to no-one for a week. Total alone time to recharge his introverted self. Unfortunately, he simply can't afford that right now, and I can't afford to gift it to him, as much as I really want to. He tells me that the two difficult members of the polycule are not coping with him expressing this need to switch off to recharge (they are feeling abandoned just because he expressed this need/want) and are asking him for attention and reassurance right when he doesn't have the energy to give that attention. Goodness knows I probably feel exactly the same way as they do, I just know how to manage my own emotions about it and not try and get him to manage them for me. It's hard, since I immediately jump to horrible "what ifs*" but I know that's a me problem. I also know (as should they, no-one is totally new here) that by next moon he'll be in a different place again. There will always be good times ahead.
*For many years, I didn't leave the country with the "what if something happens to a parent while I'm gone" fear. Well, I was still in the air on the way to the US last January when my dad had a life-threatening stroke, so no-one is ever allowed to tell me I'm catastrophizing again lol.
Update: My aunt just called...Dad went to hospital again this morning. Unknown issue this time. I've left Puck a message cancelling our evening call because I don't want to add more to his plate. I haven't said why because I don't want him to feel like he has to do any emotional labour in supporting me as I deal with this. Dad should be fine, they just need to work out what's wrong with him. Honestly, I just wish I could get in the car and go to see my parents, but my aunt has said that's not necessary. I'd be struggling to afford it, and I'm honestly too emotional to do the 4 hour drive safely anyway. But I'm scared. I'm scared that the current "stable" situation will turn in an instant.
Update 2: Dad's back home. I can breathe again.
So today he tells me how he just wants to go get a cabin in the woods and switch off his phone and talk to no-one for a week. Total alone time to recharge his introverted self. Unfortunately, he simply can't afford that right now, and I can't afford to gift it to him, as much as I really want to. He tells me that the two difficult members of the polycule are not coping with him expressing this need to switch off to recharge (they are feeling abandoned just because he expressed this need/want) and are asking him for attention and reassurance right when he doesn't have the energy to give that attention. Goodness knows I probably feel exactly the same way as they do, I just know how to manage my own emotions about it and not try and get him to manage them for me. It's hard, since I immediately jump to horrible "what ifs*" but I know that's a me problem. I also know (as should they, no-one is totally new here) that by next moon he'll be in a different place again. There will always be good times ahead.
*For many years, I didn't leave the country with the "what if something happens to a parent while I'm gone" fear. Well, I was still in the air on the way to the US last January when my dad had a life-threatening stroke, so no-one is ever allowed to tell me I'm catastrophizing again lol.
Update: My aunt just called...Dad went to hospital again this morning. Unknown issue this time. I've left Puck a message cancelling our evening call because I don't want to add more to his plate. I haven't said why because I don't want him to feel like he has to do any emotional labour in supporting me as I deal with this. Dad should be fine, they just need to work out what's wrong with him. Honestly, I just wish I could get in the car and go to see my parents, but my aunt has said that's not necessary. I'd be struggling to afford it, and I'm honestly too emotional to do the 4 hour drive safely anyway. But I'm scared. I'm scared that the current "stable" situation will turn in an instant.
Update 2: Dad's back home. I can breathe again.
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