In the garden

Random Guy deactivated without getting back to me. Sad since he was such a fun conversationalist, but I'd forgotten about him until I came back to read my blog.

Mike had a biopsy and it came back benign. He's not been chatty lately so I don't know more than that.

I'm on holiday for the next two weeks (Winter term holiday) and I'm going to my hometown to see family and friends over the next few days. One of the people I'm seeing is an old fwb from 25 years ago. We've caught up a few times over the last two years since our lives merged again. He's married, monogamous, but really unhappy with his sex life since his wife stopped putting out years ago. I'm gently showing him what an open relationship can be.

In saying that, open relationships don't solve tiredness or struggling to do anything more than pay the bills. We've had a new dress code come out at work. I need some new clothes (partly because I'm stuck at a dress size that I don't have a lot for - if only I could drop one more size then I'd get to wear a lot of clothes I have).

But I'm in the process of a mindshift. I read something the other day that deeply affected me (by Vidar, for those that know) that talked about weight loss as self respect. It hit hard. So, I can see some changes coming up.
 
Evie said:
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But I'm in the process of a mindshift. I read something the other day that deeply affected me (by Vidar, for those that know) that talked about weight loss as self respect. It hit hard. So, I can see some changes coming up.
Click to expand...

I don't know, can you share? (by PM?) I need a bit of mindshift.
 
(pm sent)

I'm in hometown, staying with a casual fuzzy space person. We've had a little intimacy, which has been nice, but intercourse hasn't been a priority.

I'll see old fwb in a couple of hours. We're looking at perhaps going to the mall for lunch, not that it really deserves the title of mall. NZ doesn't do malls so well.

Then tonight will be a night out at a munch. I'm looking forward to meeting new people! This will be the biggest one I've ever been to. I'm such a hick these days. I think I want to live somewhere big for a while, but I have to complete my work bonding period first.
 
I had a great time in Hometown. Surprise visit to parents included. And so much thrift shopping for clothes! My host, Magus, was lovely and generous and is looking forward to my next visit, as am I. I saw my old friend, who I'll call Hermit as he used to have a poster of Stairway to Heaven with the Tarot card the Hermit as the background.

I got back Wednesday afternoon, and somewhat surprisingly Mike spent most of Thursday and some of today (Friday) reminding me that he has taken authority over any time I'm not with another partner. I'm still surprised by this and it's taking some adjustment.

I spoke with Lance this morning. The poor thing is really sick. But he was pleased to see me and we'll talk next week, too.

Adam has been a little under the weather, too, so I'm going to cook a hearty meal tonight.

I'm beginning to relax and recover from the last couple of months. And I have a lunch date on Sunday! Probably won't go anywhere as the guy is quite young, but who knows. At least I will get out of the house (Adam is gaming that day, sigh).

I feel a little chatty still, so I'll add a bit more. I've been having trouble with waking up in the middle of the night to noise in the ceiling. After talking with someone today, I strongly suspect it's a possum (she had the same issue) so we'll have to do something serious about it. One of the major problems is that after I wake up, I don't get back to sleep for at least two hours.

I've updated my signature to indicate that Mike is particularly present right now. And I've chosen the name Magus for the Hometown guy because he can intentionally manipulate energy for erotic purposes, like Tantra I suppose, but without the Eastern religious aspects.
 
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Introducing Hermit

I met Hermit when I was 16 and he was 21. We were both involved in the same amateur theatre, me doing lighting, him doing sound. We clicked and he became the first guy whose bed I slept in overnight, and semi regularly. I wasn't ready to have piv/pia sex (although 16 is legal here) so we had a beautiful innocence to our explorations. He never, ever pressured me. And a love developed. But after a time we drifted apart.

Then, many years later, Facebook brought us back together.

But he posted something I was unhappy about regarding when I was 16 (although he didn't name me at least) and I unfriended him. Although at that stage of our lives we had nothing else in common anyway.

He reached out again a few years ago just as I was starting my new career. He's in the same career *and* we shared an early workplace. Conversation started again and we've grown back into good friends, albeit platonic ones until he gets his home life sorted. He knows I'm poly. He feels helpless and choice-less in a sexless marriage. I've discussed with him the choices he has and given him consent to discuss parts of my life with his wife so she can get a glimpse into how nonthreatening an open relationship could be.

She doesn't seem the irrationally jealous type as she was quite happy to sit around their dining room table talking with me last week after he and I got back from a lunch out, and she's accepted my FB friend request. Perhaps she's a "better the devil you know" type person, but right now her behaviour towards me is warm.

So, Hermit remains a platonic friend, and I just sincerely hope that they find a way forward that isn't simply him kowtowing to her asexual stance to life now.
 
I had two "dates" today, one lunch, one coffee.

Midday lunch was terrible. This guy was not only unfortunate in the looks department but also had no idea how to dress or groom himself, couldn't maintain a natural conversation, didn't have one iota of d-type about him (per his profile), didn't even offer to pay for lunch despite me driving a fair distance to see him, and when he went to collect the food from the servery) he came back without cutlery.

I called time after an hour. I doubt he'll be in touch.

So at 2 I then met another 28 y/o who was quite the opposite. Italian. Worldly beyond his years. Well traveled. Charming, paid for my drink, could keep a conversation going despite his not fluent English, and had plenty of tales of his exploits to share. However, he was only my height and a slim but muscular build. And a little pushy about wanting casual sex, which I'm not looking for. But his banter was cheeky rather than rude. He's young, exotic and has no shortage of easy casual encounters, so I'm sure he'll give up soon enough.

And while I was out I got a pm from a noob. The title of the message was "play?" and the body of the text was "hi". I was feeling generous so I *educated* him. I might meet him next Friday or on the weekend. At least this one is 45. He took well to being told that he needed to put in a little more effort to his messages. And profile.

Italian asked me about current relationships/play partners etc. and why I was looking for anyone else. I indicated that where I live is a long way from where anyone else lives so an in person relationship would be good. I'm wondering how true this is. What do I actually want?
 
Oh £#&@, here we go again. Lance has met someone and I'm terrified.

I should know better, I meet people all the time. But somehow, I don't cope with the fear of losing him, of never meeting him, of being told, "no, don't come to the UK" even though I would need to have a windfall to do so anyway.

Ugh. I'm so insecure over him.
 
Well that passed quickly :)

Sometimes it's just the initial bit that's hard. Then the irrational fears settle down and it's business as usual.

I've actually been talking to a new guy recently. It's going well. I'll meet him at the end of the month.
 
I had a call with the New Guy and while conversation flowed well enough, I didn't find myself looking forward to another call. Still planning to meet at the end of the month as of now but I wouldn't be surprised if he changes his mind.

I honestly don't care. I'm enjoying a conversation I have going in the States, I'm missing Lance heaps, I have plans to see Magus early October, and Mike and Hermit are text buddies at the moment while work is busy. Mike is also preparing for him next exhibition. Adam and I aren't entirely ships in the night, but we are both devoting a lot of time to work at the moment. My dance card is, for once, full. I wondered if it ever would be, but it is right now. I've even told Golf I won't be in touch for a couple of weeks. I'm also waiting to hear if Adam and I need to move out of our current accommodation. I had a total breakdown when I got the "heads up" email. I just don't want to deal with that level of change. But if it's meant to be, it will be. Adam and I will get by.

Magus is sponsoring me to go to a professional conference and I registered the other day, so there's that to look forward to.
 
And suddenly, this weekend, I find myself hating almost everything. I'm gonna chalk it up to hormones because I really don't want to buy into the possibility that this is anything but very temporary.

I was alright until I got up and had a shower yesterday morning, but that set my heart aflutter - not in a good way. I'm beginning to accept that I will need to go see a GP and take things from there. I cried on Adam last night. I'm a little scared.

I'm irritated at New Guy and have found an excuse to avoid him (and everyone) in two weeks time when I'm supposed to go back to the Bay (monthly munch). I'm sick of the "maybe" responses. I'm sick of people wanting something from me. I want to put my limited energy elsewhere.

I could change my mind in a few days.

I need a house keeper. This place is a tip because I use all my energy for work (and Adam uses his for the course he's on). I'm running out of things to wear because the weather is shit and things take forever to get dry.

Adam leaves today for a couple of nights . He's going to a funeral up country. The one person I'd ask to come help me out is too sick themselves right now (temporary, just a course of antibiotics).

OK, it's time. I *have* to get some chores done regardless of the tachycardia. I'm sure I'll be less grumpy in a few days.
 
Evie said:
I was alright until I got up and had a shower yesterday morning, but that set my heart aflutter - not in a good way. I'm beginning to accept that I will need to go see a GP and take things from there...

... I *have* to get some chores done regardless of the tachycardia. I'm sure I'll be less grumpy in a few days.
Click to expand...

Yes, please go see your doc!

I few years ago I was feeling really shitty and exhausted all the time and palpitations galore. I was chalking it up to my Anxiety Disorder until I realized that having to lean against a wall half-way down a flat hallway to catch my breath and slow my heart is NOT a symptom of anxiety. Which made me more anxious, which made the tachycardia worse.

I wore a heart monitor for 48 hours and was found to have frequent PVCs (premature ventricular contractions) - kind of like a "hiccup" of the heart, not an effective beat - actually VERY frequent, every other beat (known as bigeminy) so my effective heart rate was actually on 1/2 of the tachycardia rate - despite the extra work my heart was doing. Treating this made a world of difference, and now it (and my anxiety) are under much better control.
 
I wore a Holter Monitor for a couple of weeks in my mid twenties and was diagnosed with ectopic beats that didn't need medicating. This feels different. I've been so sick this Winter I'm wondering if it's actually myocarditis. But I will leave it to the doc to do an actual diagnosis.

Thank you for the encouragement!
 
So New Guy is a write off. I asked him to stop with a certain topic of conversation (regarding my work) and he took it so badly he deleted WhatsApp to ignore me "because he was pissed off."

Then he tells me I'm hard work. I agree and refrain from telling him I have multiple d-types who don't find it all that hard to respect my boundaries without throwing their toys out the cot.

I bid him a courteous farewell (it's not like I've met this guy in person and we've had one phone call.) So he tells me I stumble at the first hurdle. I refrain again from pointing out that he was the one who deleted our primary mode of communication in a sook.

He showed me who he was nice and early.

I'm believing him quick smart.

Sure, there's a bit more to it, but not a lot in substance.
 
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Today is three years since Lance and I exchanged our first messages.

It didn't result in an immediate ongoing conversation or flirtation. It was a slowly growing thing. And we now both feel like we've known each other for many more than three years. It's special.

I am saving hard and I'm going to aim to renew my passport within six weeks. But I've had to throw some money at medical costs this week.

I've basically been told that we have to vacate our accommodation soon. So I will end up boarding back with my birth mother. Adam will go elsewhere since I don't possibly expect him to actually live there again, but we've lived apart before and this won't be quite so bad.

And even with the extra travel I think there can be a little more savings.

Silver lining?
 
I've been to the doctor and they must have put a rush on the blood tests as the very next day the nurse called me to tell me that I'm low on B12 and I can have injection or sublingual supplements. I weighed the two costs and have gone sublingual. More blood tests in 3 months to check the red blood cells have returned to normal and ensure the tachycardia has settled.

My car is having a nice, full service and new brake pads next week. I was astounded it passed it's warrant of fitness, so I'm going to do as much work as I can afford *now* rather than later.

We have to move in about 5 weeks. That's already been quite stressful and moving itself is going to be a massive hassle. But I have a lead on a rental for next year, but I need to establish the price first. This is going to be an awful Summer accommodation wise. An "in between" Summer.

Right, time to tackle this day.
 
About 6 months ago I "met" an American on Fet via a group we were both on. His comments stood out a mile from the usual dross and I probably messaged him first, I don't actually remember. The conversation grew and evolved into long emails in both directions, almost a pseudo-therapy as we poured our lives onto the figurative page almost as a journal with an audience more than a specific back and forth. His Summer and my Winter threw up our own challenges, different but with some remarkable similarities. We have both observed a strange synchronicity. We acknowledged that when people are getting to know each other, they tend to look for similarities more than differences, but this was a little uncanny.

Life has settled down a little and we had our first video call a couple of days ago. Woah. Everything was going nicely, completely comfortable conversation on things slightly deeper than the weather and then the conversation turned a small corner creeping slightly into the esoteric and then KA-BLAM. Butterflies EVERYWHERE. There was an unplanned and unexpected shift in the energy between us and suddenly there was a palpable dynamic even though not one instruction had been uttered. I collapsed in a fit of nervous giggles and squirms while he looked on with mild amusement laden with authority. Neither of us "started it" it just happened. Needless to say my NRE went nought to one hundred in 3.5 seconds and I've had to work quite diligently not to send way too many stupid texts.

So, he needs a name. Because I'm pretty sure he's going to pop up a few more times on my blog.

We shall call him Puck. It's apt and it certainly has layers upon layers of meaning. I'm sure if I ever tell him about it he'll be very amused.

**Edit** I checked message history and he messaged me first, but it was definitely to continue the message board discussion in a 1-1 setting and not him trying to hit on me (that's the way to do it, fellas).
 
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I was messaging with Magus today about the trip down to visit in October. I thought I'd already had it confirmed that I could stay with him at his place for the three nights I'm down there, but he's now talking about needing to do more negotiation with his polycule (they all live together) and was asking me where else I was staying that week. Ummmmm...

Gosh I hope they sort it out, because I honestly can't afford other accommodation. Part of the whole thing was that I was staying *with him* at his place for those three nights. It was originally going to be four nights, but I have to head back home on Friday since Adam and I have to move our of our current accommodation on Saturday. Honestly, I'm so stressed about it (which I am poorly dealing with by consuming a lot of chocolate, chippies and coca cola). Adam is working his butt off of the course he's on and I don't know how we'll find the time. My visit to Magus is actually because of a work thing I have in his town, so it's not like I can cancel it to allow moving time.

If Adam gets a job next year, we're seriously going to have to talk about buying a house around here. It's been a sellers market for about 2.5 years (although when I very first got here the year I began this blog it was definitely a buyers market, sigh). Perhaps by next year the massive heat in the market will have cooled somewhat.

I miss Lance. I haven't spoken to him in a while. He's busy with work, as am I, and I am desperate to give him good news - the nearest is about a fortnight away when the credit card will be paid off, sadly probably temporarily, but it's a bloody start. I've rejigged the savings accounts and I'm simply going to go without my little luxuries (chocolate, chippies, coca cola) until I have some meaningful savings. I'm still aiming to have the $200 for my passport in now 5 weeks. My reward for getting through the move without totally losing my shit :)
 
Sometimes poly gets really hard.

Today, I woke up to a status update, Lance is single. I guess I really am insignificant. We'd previously talked about listing each other with some sort of description to show there is a meaningful friendship there, but that seems forgotten. I'm not bothered by him looking for a romantic relationship locally, I just feel given up on as anything at all. This while I'm wracking my brain on how to get there asap.

Then I had a chat with Mike and discovered that I can't actually trust him to call time out when he needs it. I had to do it as he was edging around and around it. So, that's over for the foreseeable future (not the friendship, but the play partnership).

Then Golf popped up on messages attempting to assert his former status as Sir, with one foot in authority and one foot in fantasy. Telling me he doesn't play with others, I'm the only one he's truly honest with, truly himself with. Bah, serves him right, that was his choice. He made his bed years ago, he's still lying in it and keeps pulling more and more covers on top.

And then, for the cherry on top I call my Dad for Father's Day only to find out he was in hospital all Friday.

The saving graces have been Adam doing all the laundry today (although admittedly that was in large part because he flooded the laundry first thing), and sending Puck some photos from a bush walk I went on, which were cheerfully received. I'm not sure he would ever have seen a anything like our native bush before.

Thank god I have two more days to this weekend. I'm going to need them to get myself back into one piece.
 
Lance missed our call this morning. He's finally flicked me a message saying he had to go out. I wish I was still as important to him as he is to me, but I guess I was simply in the too hard basket.

I was going to call Puck after I'd spoken with Lance, so I ended up calling Puck much earlier. That conversation was delightful, again (we spoke yesterday, too), and although it's going to be quite a while before we're likely to have another chance to talk, we have the other modes of communication - emails and photo diaries. We're learning each other at the moment, which is always fun, and throw some dynamic into that and it becomes one hell of an adventure. I appreciate that he isn't intimidated by me and is very interested in learning all my reactions - well, those that you can uncover online.

I have a tonne of work to get through today, like it's unlikely I'll get through all of it so I better prioritise. Unfortunately, right now I am having difficulty getting my mind out of my raging NRE :cool:
 
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