In the garden

I've been checking my old posts...so, updates.

1. Flatmate is giving me a ride to the airport. Mike will bring me home. (Adam is working both days).

2. I'm not being picked up from the airport in Columbus; at this stage we're playing it by ear as to what time I'll actually get in. If it's pm, I'll go to a hotel for one night. If it's am, I'll get a shuttle straight to the house. Puck has said he'll arrange it. This is clearly an exercise in trust and I'm currently scoring a C- but I'm sure on the day it will be alright.

3. If Puck and Renee drive back from Dallas in the same time they drove there, he will get in for the morning of the 29th, rather than the evening. So we'll get a bit more time 🙂

It's Christmas Eve. I'm chilling out at home with Adam and being really lazy. We don't do family Christmases anymore so it's one of the most relaxing times of the year. We bought some plants and I'll put them in when it's cooled off. Or tomorrow before it gets too hot. Adam is baking bread and doing some of his hobbies, and I'm watching cheesy Christmas movies and sneaking in chores between. Tomorrow, I'll be doing more in the kitchen and we'll share a big meal with Flatmate. Monday, I'll do my last prep and Facetime my BFF. It's been a loooong time.

Other than that, I'm quite nervous about... everything, and right now that's manifesting as detachment/low expectations. I know that's not fair but it's been a trying week.

Also, I think I have a beach date when I get back.
 
It's Christmas, and pretty damn quiet here because we don't have parents, siblings or kids to entertain.

Today, I had butterflies when I woke up. I'm excited today to be going to the US. It's a 180° change from how I was feeling yesterday. Does everyone go through this when first closing the gap on an LDR? The doubt, the sense of wanting independence on a holiday, the excitement?

I'm scared of the first kiss. That it will feel rushed or in some other way inauthentic. I'm scared of delaying it because we are so short of time.

On another note, I'm watching a movie with Kathryn Hahn and Kate Hudson and they are aging spectacularly (as in, I see wrinkles and I love it).

My Christmas pavlova was a fail... let's hope the pasta goes better.
 
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It's Christmas, and pretty damn quiet here because we don't have parents, siblings or kids to entertain.

Today, I had butterflies when I woke up. I'm excited today to be going to the US. It's a 180° change from how I was feeling yesterday. Does everyone go through this when first closing the gap on an LDR? The doubt, the sense of wanting independence on a holiday, the excitement?

I'm scared of the first kiss. That it will feel rushed or in some other way inauthentic. I'm scared of delaying it because we are so short of time.

On another note, I'm watching a movie with Kathryn Hahn and Kate Hudson and they are aging spectacularly (as in, I see wrinkles and I love it).

My Christmas pavlova was a fail... let's hope the pasta goes better.
I'm thinking of you!
 
I'm in Columbus, still working on sleeping off the travel - yet my body doesn't want to sleep long hours - and will meet up with Puck in around 24 hours when he's back from Christmas family stuff. Somehow (willfully? Puck says obliviously), Renee interpreted his "back by the 29th" to mean the very end of it (or what realistically will be the wee hours if the 30th.) I honestly think she could have given him a break on this one, but I don't think that's even the worst of it. Charli found his absence over Christmas and into the new year so challenging she tried to break up with him. For crying out loud people!!!! And yet I feel like it's all my fault for having this particular window of availability myself.

I went to Easton Town Center today. I've never experienced anything quite like it. I was too tired to shop for anything big. I also walked over to the outlets (definitely got in 10000 steps today) and honestly, just walking in the snow was a novelty. I have to keep reminding myself which way to look when crossing roads. And I have used Uber a few times now. I'm still so tired that being in the car with the steering wheel on the left side is super strange.

And don't get me started on your toilets!
 
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I caught the bus to his little town today. Then there wasn't an Uber so I walked to the house. It's actually the empty rental as the last tenant left it wrecked (still fixing up=no rental income=no holiday accommodation for us) and I spent a lot of time making it homely. I'm annoyed I couldn't get an Uber out to ReStore and back, but there's no one driving around here. So I've said that ReStore is my priority tomorrow. That way I can feel good about taking anything back at the end of my stay. I'm a fan of Habit for Humanity, we have it at home.

I want a couple of rugs. And a frying pan. Yes, even for a week. One rug for just inside the door so muck doesn't get traipsed everywhere. And that can stay. Might need to go to Walmart for that. And the bathmat. Sigh. MEN. Oblivious.

And for a man with multiple women in his life I am slightly pissed that not one thought to check that this place was even slightly cosy. I'd have gone all out for a metamour.

But he will hopefully be walking through the door in around 10 hours. Can't come soon enough.
 
One of the reasons I've been reluctant to leave NZ for any length of time is a fear that something would happen to a parent while I'm away, and I'm an only child to boot. But this is just an 11 day trip, right? 11 days isn't much, surely everything would be fine?

No.

My dad is in hospital, thankfully recovering well admittedly, but he had a stroke. One that required him to be flown to Auckland for the emergency surgery to relieve the clot. He's back in Wellington now but won't be going home for a wee while. Thankfully, my mum has wonderful friends (because she is a wonderful friend) and my dad's sister and brother-in-law to support her.

They, together with Adam, decided to wait to tell me until they knew which way it was going to go because I wasn't even in Columbus when it happened. Adam then gave me a full 12 hours with Puck so I would be settled here before I became a crying mess. I then talked to my aunt and to my mum and everyone is adamant that I don't need to come home early. I feel like a terrible daughter though.
 
I've spoken to my dad and he sounded reasonably like himself. I feel a bit better now.

Puck and I are connecting exactly how I hoped, and he has said the same thing. Our dynamic is very tangible and we simply exist together easily.

This afternoon, he has to go visit Charli because she's had a total meltdown with me being here. I have said I'll go shopping (probably window shopping, mostly) so I don't start overthinking about Dad. But then he'll pick me up and we'll get some dinner supplies and resume our evening.

Tomorrow and Wednesday are still going to be quiet days but we're planning on going to Cincinnati on Thursday, then Columbus on Friday so we're already there for my flight out on Saturday.
 
I just met Selene (metamour) tonight and she's awesome. I really like her and the conversation was effortless.

I also tried Dr Pepper - two sips just to be sure - but I have a new hard limit.
 
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Check-in for my flight home is in a few hours. We're both feeling such a range of emotions. This visit really didn't end up looking like what either of us imagined, but so, so much better. Well, except for Charli's behaviour (she's at it again this morning). But the "us" stuff has been amazing. We didn't end up doing anything particularly touristy (Cincinnati got canned and we only got to Columbus in the evening), we didn't end up doing anything particularly wild. We just simply grew together.

**Update**

Friday, Saturday and Sunday were the getting used to each other in person days. Monday was a particular kind of magical. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday we are calling the Fuzzy Middle as we pottered around the house, doing home repairs, lots of food and drink and, of course, sex. Friday, we had another magical afternoon and then to Columbus for dinner. Saturday morning was honestly a bit flat in comparison (including Charli intruding again) and then there was the emotional moments at the airport before I went through security. I'm currently sitting at the gate (and will be for a while).
 
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Now I'm waiting at Auckland airport before my final leg home. Plans are changing and now Adam is picking me up, not Mike. He's then got work from 3 and that's when I'll talk with Puck.

I've had some moments already this morning, but I don't have the "luxury" of feeling the separation deeply as I simply have to function to get myself home. I don't know how I will fare tonight, although I won't be exacerbating any feels with alcohol. We drank quite a lot over the week and I want to spend some time sober and give my system a reset.

I fantasize about how I could live a Persephone life, but it's just not practical especially given that Adam doesn't have another partner these days. Perhaps he will again, but for now he's happy nurturing his hobbies.

I know the visits will get longer, but I'm bound by school holidays (until I find a new job) so there's that. Who knows what life may look like in a few years. I had an Uber driver in Columbus tell me his sister in law had managed to get into [teaching in English in] Dubai. It honestly sounded incredible and I'm inspired to perhaps apply and see if I win that lottery.

But for now, later this week I'll go visit Mum and Dad, then get some school work done, and generally get back into my local life.

***update***
Get home, reconciling credit card purchases and yes, I've got four fraudulent transactions totaling about $280NZD. Sigh. Credit card cancelled, bank contacted, and will do the reimbursement claim once all transactions from the week are past pending and into paid.
 
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I'm glad you got home safely. I hope you had a great time!
 
Beyond great. Beyond our wildest dreams of how we would get along in person.

The first call was really hard - the reality of going back to online...oof. But some of the magic from the visit will be with us just a little longer.

I woke about 4am (it's now 6) and I really hope I can sleep later today (Tuesday). I want to shake the jetlag asap and go visit Mum and Dad tomorrow.

I want to be selfish and actively design a life that has more than a two week window of time each year to spend time in person with Puck. This New Year's resolution is simply to get better at everything so I have more options.
 
No naps for me today, but I'm getting the essentials done before I go visit my parents tomorrow.

Reflections on my visit with Puck
One thing that is beautiful about being in a mature relationship is that you can acknowledge that there are things you can want, but wants are purely that. It can be honoured (without too much sadness) that realities carry far more weight and lives cannot be completely changed due to wants. But it's okay to want, to share the wants, and to even fantasize and talk about them openly with each other, yet knowing that they will never be a reality.

Furthermore, that even the shared wants can clash with each other and it's okay to pick a path (or allow the universe to pick it for you) that is going to fulfil only one of those wants. Puck and I will continue to develop our lives so that we can have more visits and spend time together doing a hell of a lot of fun things, and perhaps travel elsewhere rather than back and forth to each other's local areas.

We discovered that we cohabit easily - albeit in the somewhat artificial environment of a vacation - and honestly believe that we would be the most extraordinary nesting partners. We shared income and budget details and both admired how each other tracks and maintains the household expenses. We share values and attitudes that would result in both of us getting ahead of where we are now far faster that we currently are. But perhaps we can find a way of supporting each other through that at a distance, too.

Long distance is hard. It's harder when we know it's going to be for a lifetime and that the in person time will be some of the most precious times of our lives. It's harder knowing that some wants will always be fantasies. But at least we get to openly and honestly express them with each other, to cherish them for what they are, and to know that we can want the same things without needing to blow up the rest of our lives to get them.
 
I'm visiting my parents, which is in itself lovely. What's not lovely is going through their accounts with a trained eye and realizing just how badly they have been overspending. Tomorrow is going to involve hard conversations.
 
I've sorted out my parents' banking. There's still a bit of work to be done on budgeting, but the damn credit card is cancelled now so the ridiculous scams can stop taking money out.

I'm sick. Started with allergies, became a sinus infection, seems to be a bit generalised now. I cancelled a catch up with a friend tonight and am currently lying in bed feeling like crap. It's not even 8:30.

I hope I'll be able to drive home tomorrow.
 
I've sorted out my parents' banking. There's still a bit of work to be done on budgeting, but the damn credit card is cancelled now so the ridiculous scams can stop taking money out.

I'm sick. Started with allergies, became a sinus infection, seems to be a bit generalised now. I cancelled a catch up with a friend tonight and am currently lying in bed feeling like crap. It's not even 8:30.

I hope I'll be able to drive home tomorrow.
You're being a good daughter!

I'm sorry you're sick. Often it's the least pleasant souvenir from vacation. Ugh. You've barely had time to process your overdue visit with Puck, you had to run to see your dad, and now you're sick. That all sounds stressful.
 
Thanks Mags. I'm on my way home after getting some computer advice from Puck this morning while I was there (I did brief introductions too, and Mum knows he's my partner). I can't actually fix the computer much right now since I'm too sick to really think. But I did the thing I'm good at (budgeting) and will keep tabs for a month or two while they adjust to not having a bunch of extra stupid costs. I'm still annoyed at the newspaper subscription and the totally unnecessary Sky TV. But they might yet give at least one of those up.

I'm so ready to be home with Adam. I don't really feel like we've reconnected since I was in the States as I was only home for two days and I was still preoccupied with some lingering considerations.

I better get back on the road. I have about three more hours to drive. (Edit: it was just over two).
 
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I'm home, I have been for a few days and, now the parent issues are mostly dealt with, I'm allowing myself to be rather quite drunk on NRE. And I've had more energy than I usually do. Adam and I started staining the wooden study on the fine day. I mowed some of the lawns, planted things, planned things, started learning new things. Chores are being done (which is partly because I'm currently avoiding real work) and I'm generally happier than I've been in months.

Puck and I had a wonderful conversation yesterday where we were raw and honest and both on exactly the same page and are already planning ahead for the next visit. I have a plan to save some money, slow and steady (hopefully faster once the credit card is paid off (about August) and then when my student loan is paid off (about November)). In the meantime, Adam and I have adapted our budget to enable us to do more around the home - smaller things at least. We have a list of <$600 projects to work through this year.

I'm just about ready to get back into work mode. I have projects to do before the year begins. Yesterday the exam results came out and it wasn't terrible. This year I won't have exam classes except for the occasional student who is self directed enough to actually do homework. I really hope I can get through this year with a bit more sanity than last. It's a much better start.
 
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