is there a name for me?(not that anything needs labels)

imakelemonade

New member
hi guys!
after dating couples and people in poly-relationships casually for over a year i think i may identify as some sort of poly?
right now, i dont want a "primary" because i dont want the responsibility/feel like i need my independance whilst i sort out my mental health, but would like to end up in an open couple or throuple ;)
BUT, unlike most of the people ive dated, id like all metamours to get on and be comfortable with us and for my primary(s) to not be heirachial. does this exist aha? i deal with a lot of unicorn-hunters/unfriendly metamours....
 
Hi and welcome! If you want a label, maybe solo poly right now? Or simply ethically non monogamous. You've expressed your long term ideal really well, it makes total sense.
 
after dating couples and people in poly-relationships casually for over a year, i think i may identify as some sort of poly.
If you want more information to decide how into polyamory you are, please check our resource list here:

right now, i don't want a "primary" because i don't want the responsibility. i feel like i need my independence whilst i sort out my mental health, but i would like to end up in an open couple or throuple.
You could stay away from triads (throuples). You can more easily and happily be the hinge in a V. That is, you are dating two people (or maybe more) who aren't dating each other. This is much less complicated, and you don't need to worry about an established couple trying to force you to stay in your lane and follow their rules.

But, unlike most of the people i've dated, i'd like all metamours to get on and be comfortable with us, and for my primary(s) to not be hierarchical. does this exist? i deal with a lot of unicorn-hunters/unfriendly metamours.
Just because you are a polyamorous female does not mean you have to date couples/unicorn hunters. Especially if you are young and new to poly-dating, trying to manage to date two members of a couple is extremely hard.

And you don't need to date people whose other partner(s) are not okay with their poly-dating, and try to take it out on you, villainize you.

I am sure you get hit on a lot on dating sites. I had to learn to be extremely discriminating. I carefully questioned everyone who wanted to date me, while just chatting online, and then, if they did rate a first date, I'd question them more. Out of the many dozens, eventually hundreds of men I chatted with, I only maybe went on dates with 2 dozen, and few of those guys got a second or third date.

(I did date a few women and transpeople too, as I am pansexual. The first woman I met in 2009 I am still with. I got real lucky out of the gate. Finding a good guy with real staying power took me until 2021. He was worth the wait.)

I dumped so many men after a third date because it would go like this (or something else sucky):
Me (in chat and on first date): I am poly, ENM. I do not want just one partner. I have a gf already and I'd like one male partner too. But I'd be open to more...
Him: I am poly. I am single right now and dating two other women (besides you). I do not want to be married and I don't want to be a dad.
Me: Sounds good.

2nd date, we have sex.
3rd date, he decides to dump anyone else he was dating and go exclusive with one of the other woman (who even had a kid). Or, he'd ghost me. If I followed up, he'd say the other woman wanted him to herself. One guy actually met me for a third date, broke the news about the other woman, breaking up with me, but asking if we could have one more sex session before he left. Classy. (Of course I said no, get out.)
 
Would relationship anarchy fit you? You could be RA whilst living alone and still be committed to someone for long or short term. Or in a throuple where everybody feels they could keep the freedom and autonomy.
 
Would relationship anarchy fit you? You could be RA whilst living alone and still be committed to someone for long or short term. Or in a throuple where everybody feels they could keep the freedom and autonomy.
If you want more information to decide how into polyamory you are, please check our resource list here:


You could stay away from triads (throuples). You can more easily and happily be the hinge in a V. That is, you are dating two people (or maybe more) who aren't dating each other. This is much less complicated, and you don't need to worry about an established couple trying to force you to stay in your lane and follow their rules.


Just because you are a polyamorous female does not mean you have to date couples/unicorn hunters. Especially if you are young and new to poly-dating, trying to manage to date two members of a couple is extremely hard.

And you don't need to date people whose other partner(s) are not okay with their poly-dating, and try to take it out on you, villainize you.

I am sure you get hit on a lot on dating sites. I had to learn to be extremely discriminating. I carefully questioned everyone who wanted to date me, while just chatting online, and then, if they did rate a first date, I'd question them more. Out of the many dozens, eventually hundreds of men I chatted with, I only maybe went on dates with 2 dozen, and few of those guys got a second or third date.

(I did date a few women and transpeople too, as I am pansexual. The first woman I met in 2009 I am still with. I got real lucky out of the gate. Finding a good guy with real staying power took me until 2021. He was worth the wait.)

I dumped so many men after a third date because it would go like this (or something else sucky):
Me (in chat and on first date): I am poly, ENM. I do not want just one partner. I have a gf already and I'd like one male partner too. But I'd be open to more...
Him: I am poly. I am single right now and dating two other women (besides you). I do not want to be married and I don't want to be a dad.
Me: Sounds good.

2nd date, we have sex.
3rd date, he decides to dump anyone else he was dating and go exclusive with one of the other woman (who even had a kid). Or, he'd ghost me. If I followed up, he'd say the other woman wanted him to herself. One guy actually met me for a third date, broke the news about the other woman, breaking up with me, but asking if we could have one more sex session before he left. Classy. (Of course I said no, get out.)
oh god that sounds awful! i just try to make sure that all parties involved are happy and emotionally disconnect myself from anything with even a hint of negativity.... i guess couples are different in that they are a single unit that i cant fully access but i still see them both so yeah can get sidelined
 
Greetings imakelemonade,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope you end up in the open couple or throuple that you desire. And if you decide to date just one person here and another person there, that is also fine. I also encourage you to keep reading and posting on this site, there is a lot to learn. Let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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