Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.: Merged Threads, General Discussion

secondchance

New member
I think that jealousy is a natural emotion and most people in any relationship have to deal with it. For me, I realize that the jealousy is usually due to my own insecurities. I am VERY insecure even when it comes to friendships. But I also think that jealousy is something to be dealt with and overcome, rather than given in to. I have never been in a poly relationship yet and I'm not sure how I'll do this until I'm in the situation, but honesty is key here. All partners involved should be able to discuss it with their partners. Working through the jealousy on my own is also a big thing for me, but that will be different for everyone. I know that my jealousy issues are caused by me 99% of the time, so if a partner is legitamately making it worse... I am not sure how I would deal with it. Honesty has been a huge thing for me lately so ideally I would stick with that, but who knows for sure...
 

Funk2Lopez

New member
What about jealousy or envy being depressing?

I love my husband. I love our girlfriend but I still get jealous of how much affection she shows him that I don't feel a part of.

Warning. I'm going to hijack this thread now and ramble a bit.

From day one she's felt a deep passion for him and claimed our passion would grow with time. It's been 10 months and I still feel like the third wheel some times to their passion. We all wanted a triad to begin with and sometimes it feels like that, but other times most definately does not feel that way to me. She doesn't live with us and couldn't even if we all wanted to, but we still talk about living closer to each other. She calls him our husband in private and public as well as saying we are a triad to people but all of what I hear is her love and passion for him. She says she loves me, but sometimes I just don't feel romantically loved by her, especially when she talks of when she first meet him and then me. We were to meet all at once, but due to circumstances, I had to drop him off at the meet up site, run an errand and pick them both up a half hour later. Some times I think we got off on the wrong foot but I can't seem to find my balance and keep stumbling. Fallen and hurt I lay there just wondering if she'll ever show me the passion I want to share with her but am scared to ask for. My irrational fears take hold and say "Don't push her, she may not ever feel that way or much for me. Don't wreck it for them. They love each other and it's not right to break them up over my irrational emotions that seem so self centered whenever I try to talk about them." He's told me I need to talk to her more about it all and I know I should but I'm still scared to aproach her about it. I have tried a couple of times and failed misserably. The words that came out of my mouth were not perfect and what she heard wasn't always what I had meant. Each time we manage to seem to resolve some of it a bit and stay together, but not the heart of the issue. I really love her and value her friendship but I want the romance too and I don't know how to initiate it with her. As she said, "it can't all be about the sex." But is romance and sex the same thing for her or what?

I don't want to loose her but sometimes I think a V is more of what we have. I suggested it already but was told a triad is what we have and want to have. If it was a V, then they could go on dates and I'll try to find a girlfriend for just me to be with while they are together. He's okay with me having a girlfriend but not a boyfriend. If I could have a boyfriend, I'd have one already. A girlfriend is way harder to find, for me anyways.

I bought three great books, Opening Up, Open, and The Ethical Slut, but I still haven't read any of them all the way through. I'm going to try to read them while on vacation and maybe they can help me figure things out.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
He can have a girlfriend but you can't have a boyfriend; you would have a boyfriend if he would "let" you.

That does not sound fair.

I'm glad I'm not you.
 

XYZ123

New member
He can have a girlfriend but you can't have a boyfriend; you would have a boyfriend if he would "let" you.

That does not sound fair.

I'm glad I'm not you.

It's funny how many men are fine with poly-so long as it's a "one dick fantasy". :eek:
My husband is the same way. I can have a girlfriend. We can share a girlfriend. But NO MEN. Luckily for me, I don't want another man. And he is ok with refraining from sex with a girlfriend unless I'm alright with it. If he was different-wanted a girlfriend but didn't allow me a boyfriend even if I wanted one-we'd have some serious issues.
 

Funk2Lopez

New member
I really only ever wanted one man in my life but if we do end up in a V I would like someone special to spend some time with while they are together. I have had several men interested in me but not women. I would like to have a girlfriend. I had a female friend with benefits. That arrangement only lasted a couple of months and ended suddenly when her marriage failed and she moved in with her sister in northern Washington. Way too far for my clunker of a car to drive to, to visit. So she and I are now pen pals. I have been open to having a girlfriend but I have not had any luck finding one.
 
C

Ceoli

Guest
If it was a V, then they could go on dates and I'll try to find a girlfriend for just me to be with while they are together.

I really only ever wanted one man in my life but if we do end up in a V I would like someone special to spend some time with while they are together.

I'm a bit worried by both of these statements. Are you looking for a relationship because you want to open and enrich your heart or are you looking for something to do to keep your mind off of the time the other two spend together? The way you're describing it, it looks like you would want to find somebody to use as a distraction or as a way to replace the love you feel you're missing when your husband is with your girlfriend.

That situation would hold little appeal for any potential girlfriends that are seeking healthy relationships. There are certainly problems and imbalances that need to be solved in your situation. I don't think finding "your own girlfriend" is going to actually get you what you need. Work on the problem first, THEN think about bringing other people in.
 
D

dingding

Guest
it is depends on what jealous that is,if that is jealous that make us more productive that is good,and when it move to other way arround avoid it
 

dakid

New member
jealousy

finding myself surprised by the level of insecurity and jealousy i am experiencing recently.
been with my lover 2 years. both had one night stands with other people now and then, he more than me, both openly talking about our feelings as we went along.
been talking about polyamory as in not being primary or having hierarchies of lover in any way, since the summer.
as of a month ago both have new lovers outside our relationship, and i am struggling big time.
i wanted this as much as he did, although i didn't so much go out looking for potential other lovers as he, i'm happy i met my new lover. trouble is i can't stop thinking about his lover.
i am noticing all the differences between my new lover and his, thinking his is more likely to become an emotionally intimate primary type relationship with her whereas my new lover and i will be more casual with each other.
i am comparing myself to her, his new lover, and using the comparisons to criticise myself on every level.
part of me doesn't want to be sexual with him even, kind of turned off by the "competition" that doesn't really exist except in my crazy head.
any advice people?
 
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redsirenn

New member
been talking about polyamory as in not being primary or having hierarchies of lover in any way, since the summer.
as of a month ago both have new lovers outside our relationship, and i am struggling big time.
i wanted this as much as he did, although i didn't so much go out looking for potential other lovers as he, i'm happy i met my new lover. trouble is i can't stop thinking about his lover.
i am noticing all the differences between my new lover and his, thinking his is more likely to become an emotionally intimate primary type relationship with her whereas my new lover and i will be more casual with each other.
i am comparing myself to her, his new lover, and using the comparisons to criticise myself on every level.
part of me doesn't want to be sexual with him even, kind of turned off by the "competition" that doesn't really exist except in my crazy head.
any advice people?


As you may be aware, jealousy might be a sign of other issues... here are a couple of thoughts/ things to think about:

Do you think that you maybe do want to be a "primary" with him?

Can you Identify what sets you apart from her? reading this, it seems like there migh be security issues at play here? Maybe if you identified what was special about yourself and only you, you wouldn't feel so competitive.

Also - this might be obvious, but what do you really want? If what you want is to be in a relationship with him, then go for that... i.e. don't let your head play games with you and sabotage things. Find a way to be happy for him. I always go back to "be a friend first, lover second". This though usually puts me on the path I want to be on. If I treat people as friends I usually put both my needs and thier needs at the forefront, like I would my best platonic gal friends.
 

dakid

New member
thank you redsiren. i think it generally is true when i am feeling jealousy it is a sign of other issues. if i am feeling really really good about myself i don't feel jealous or insecure.

i think a part of me wants to be his primary, but mostly i don't want to go down the route of declaring or promising to be primary over other potential relationships.

i instinctively don't want to have hierarchies like that, i don't like the idea of ranking or of asking other people to accept a secondary role like that. some relationships might have more importance at some times, but i don't have a "best" friend i have several that i feel close to with different friends coming to the fore in different moments. i suppose i hope that i can achieve something similar with lovers, in theory.

when we first together our relationship wasn't entirely balanced. i think he was slightly more into me than i him, although i was very keen. i had many more other commitments, friendships and family matters which took up my time and energy. he had much more freedom and time in his life then.

maybe what i am reacting to is a power shift in a way, from him worshipping me and being insecure, to him being the one with other stuff going in and me being insecure.

i like what you write about being a friend first and a lover second.

maybe i need to step back and let him enjoy falling in love with this woman, and be a friend for him in the meantime. try to be less selfish.

ouch but it hurts. feels like i have been demoted. i used to look in his eyes and see myself reflected as the most desirable wonderful creature in the world. now i see something else.
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
Friends

I like what Redsiren says about embracing the friendship aspect. I think this parallels a concept prominent in some of the eastern philosophys referred to as "non-attachment". That kind of discussion can get kind of deep and complex but in a short version the idea is to learn to not attach to "outcomes". It doesn't mean we don't care. it doesn't mean we don't love. It's an acknowledgment that life doesn't revolve around us, but will flow the way it will, at that by trying to draw our own map of how that will happen will more than likely lead to disappointment or worse.
If you think about it, that's kind of the way we process "friendships". We care about & love our friends and wish the best for them and our continued friendship. But there's not a heavy "attachment" there. We just seem to acknowledge that they will live their lives as best they know how, and that although we want to help & support them, in the end we can't (and shouldn't) make their decisions for them. We hope that the friendship will continue & grow but we acknowledge from the beginning that it's not within our control and can take twists that we can't foresee at the moment. Try to keep the whole environment warm & embracing but relaxed without expectations and see where it goes.
Hope that makes sense.

GS
 

berserker239

New member
The big green monster eh? EVERYONE gets jealous, regardless of what they say. It is a natural human emotion, sweetheart and its nothing to be ashamed of. Just simply think the thoughts, but understand that your the one he picked. Your the one he chose first, adding to the relationship benefits you just as much him as long as you take advantage of it.

Like i tell everyone, spend less time trying to dodge the things that hurt you and just take the blows. Clean up afterward, what doesnt kill us always makes us stronger.

Short yes but i think my message is clear and will sink in. If you have any other questions or need to get anything off your chest (like a bra. jkjk) message me :)
 

redpepper

New member
Is it possible to spend some time with her and become acquainted? Perhaps you will find that she is just as human as you are and has her good points and not so good points. I find this helps me to know end. It makes me realize that my husbands partners are also going through stuff too and that they are not some big mysterious ogre that is better than me. What's interesting is that they are quite often like me in many ways and I can learn something about myself. Sometimes I can't stand them for that reason, but I still learn something about myself and see that as a positive.

The other thing here is that it might be a good idea to take the time to do things for you. Get to know yourself and get to know some new people. If you are able to go out and date other people then find someone that you find interesting, friend or otherwise, someone that makes you feel that you are special and hang with them more for a bit. This doesn't mean that he loves you less or you love him less, just that you are independent and can have your own life that doesn't involve him and what he is doing... the distraction may be just what you need to see past your jealousy.
 

dakid

New member
thank you so much for all your responses. i followed the link, read it, followed other links within the piece, did lots of reading, its all good and helpful.

unfortunately it seems the relationship between my lover and his other lover has ended already. she was upset apparently because she felt that she was more "into" him than he her, and so needed it to end. i think if she had hung on a while his feelings probably would have developed and become more intense/loving but its her choice and of course i respect that.

the relationship ending doesn't end my thinking and learning though! the stuff it brought up for me is still here in my head and my heart.

questions about what kind of relationship we have, my lover and i, and what kind of relationship we want. questions about how much my insecurities are my responsibility alone and how much they might reflect issues within our relationship that we need to work on together. questions about whether i really can handle polyamory when it means my lover potentially falling in love and having (an)other lover(s) who has equal status to me for want of a better way of putting it. can my pride really share him on an emotional level?
what help can i or he give to help my ego deal with the challenges? how do i want to relate with his lovers?

unless things change again between them, my lover and the woman who is currently his ex, and they get back together, i guess i have to see this as a kind of rehearsal/practise and chance to learn about myself and us. preparation for next time in other words.

i think i need a fair chunk of time to reflect, process, and analyse all that has come up recently before i can answer my own questions, and i really hope i get that time before he next gets involved with somebody, because i so want to be able to be happy for him/them when that does happen.

thanks again for your good words

x
 

booklady78

New member
Unexpected Jealousy

I've been in a V triad for about 5 months now. My boyfriend is equally new to polyamory and stated in the beginning that he would like a monogamous relationship some day. He was looking for a friend, someone to have fun with, without the worries of a traditional relationship. I was looking for a friend as well, someone 'new' to experience. We were all kind of 'learning as we went' and so far, it has been the adventure of a lifetime. Call it "NRE" but I've been incredibly happy these last months, practically giddy. I love the men in my life and love everything I've been experiencing and learning.
I have yet to feel any jealousy regarding my husband as he has yet to find anyone, but is open to the possibility. He has had his share of jealousy that we have talked a great deal about and we have found that 'balance'.
Now, here's my boyfriend, who was never expecting to be part of a triad, none of us were. But there you have it and here we are. He's happy with the way things are and isn't actively searching for anyone else. Here lies my question... I am secretly relieved that he doesn't want anyone else right now. Is that fair? Is that right? I have no issues with my husband finding someone, but the idea of my boyfriend with someone else sparks the little green meanies. The situation hasn't even come up at all, but I'm a bit of a worrier and wonder 'what if'.
I wonder if this can work this way or if things have to change. I've spoken with each of them about this and everyone seems to be in agreement that we just 'see where things go and communicate when things arise'.
Thoughts anyone? Can there be 'monogamy' within a triad?
 

nikkiana

New member
I'm guessing that the little green meanies are more easily sparked with thoughts of your boyfriend finding someone new because he's said that he'd like to be in a monogamous relationship someday, and you're probably at some level concerned that if he meets someone that he really ends up being into, he'll want to be monogamous with her and things between the two of you will cease. Whereas, with your husband, you're more secure in the fact that he's not going to leave you if he finds someone he hits it off with.

Whether this can work... well, I guess you have to define what 'working' is for you....

I tend to be somewhat prone to the same sort of situation... I have a tendancy to date men who aren't interested in a long-term relationship, but are looking for something for the now... Not in the one night stand sense, but they want someone in their lives that they can go to and share with that's special, but there's sort of an understanding that the relationship isn't going to go on forever and may never become a 'life partner'.

I guess whether this can work really depends on your outlook on things. If you're of the opinion that it's not worth your effort if the relationship doesn't have the possibility to turn into a long term partnership, I guess it's probably not going to work out so well. If you're of the opinion that if you just accept things as they are and stop worrying what the future's going to bring and accepting that some things might change, I think it can work.

I honestly don't expect that most of the people that I might consider a partner to stay with me forever, and while I sometimes struggle with that... I'm mostly okay with it. I'd rather enjoy someone I care about every day I can, and if there comes a point where we need to part ways.... I'll just be glad I had the time to spend.
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
Good Nikki

That's a VERY healthy and balanced outlook.
I tend to think that we fail to live "in the moment" too much. I'm not saying some longer term goals or desires have no place, but they also risk blinding us to beautiful things in the present.
There's a balance there and no guarantee that tomorrow will even come. I was not so long ago reminded of that fact by a nasty car accident that came close to ending my tomorrows ! Gifts come in strange packages :)

GS
 

booklady78

New member
My bf considers himself 'in a relationship' and is not seeking anyone else. He's honestly not sure how our little 'triad' will work down the road, but everyone agrees that we're very happy now. I can see him being a part of my life, always. I love my husband and bf a great deal and call it NRE, but I've never been happier. I'm still struggling with how to integrate my bf into my life, as we're not openly poly. This has all been such a 'rollercoaster' with it's highs and lows. My husband and I were 'committed' to each other very early on in our relationship and that continues to this day. I think a part of me wants that same 'commitment', that no matter if he finds someone, that he'll still stay a part of my life.
 
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