Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.: Merged Threads, General Discussion

YGirl, that is exactly my definition of jealousy versus envy. But if I find myself starting to feel defensive to someone's envy, then the problem is mine, not theirs.

Jealousy is definitely a destructive force to all parties in a relationship. When I have jealous friends, I work just as hard to address it as I would with a jealous partner. If it can't be resolved in either case, then there is something very broken.
I have had other friends where we haven't been able to maintain relationships because their overflowing happiness leaves little room for anything else and doesn't tolerate the fact that this is where I'm struggling. They don't leave the space for me to have my own feelings. They don't honor my struggle in their happiness, which makes it more difficult for me to honor their happiness in my struggle.

So I won't hide my happiness in those areas, but I will approach it with a bit of humility and respect for people who may not have had the fortunate situations that I've had.

This was very helpful Ceoli! Thank you.

I think that perhaps some people in my life have made themselves distant out of fear that I won't be humble and respect that they have their own struggles and short comings where their happiness is concerned. I do my best to stay quiet and down play my joy actually. They would no that if they bothered to find out. We will see what happens in time. I am kinda demanding that people get their act together, stop whining and create their own happiness... I suppose that might be a bit grating?:eek::confused:

I have a friend that is just as happy in her poly life as I right now and is so "in it." She doesn't always approach others with humility in it and kind of goes on about it all sometimes. It doesn't make people warm to her happiness, but instead makes them want to avoid her as she brings up their own unhappiness by proxy. I even have trouble listening to it as it makes me feel like, in her eyes, my happiness couldn't possibly be as good as hers or as valid.

She had a cranky day recently and was actually a bit cranky with being cranky in light of her AMAZING life. I kind of fell out of favour as I teased her about it..... really I was kind of rolling my eyes and thinking, "could you possibly be more self centered and self involved?!"
So is it the thing itself they are j/e of, or the fact that you make it look so easy?

I guess that's what I was going for.

I think cause I make it look easy.... on the outside it does look easy! But I can tell, you and so can Mono... it has been a lot of hard work!
Ygirl: I like how you put the differences between jealousy & envy. This is something that has come up recently in regards to Elric and myself. He has mentioned a couple gals on FB often enough for me to feel something but I wasn't sure quite what. Using your definitions I can deduce that what I feel is envy, I am envious of the other gals because I wish I could have the attention he is giving them for myself. Thanks!

It seems that envy is an okay part of compersion while jealousy is something we would not want in compersion so must work through and get rid of. Yes?

You wish I could have the attention he gives them to yourself? Isn't that jealousy?
Jealousy is not dangerous, but useful.

Jealousy indicates fear, self preservation, the preservation of a love relationship, loss of what once was, sadness over the loss of what once was, anger over a lovers seeming lack of love for you etc.... it is very powerful in that it is a mixture of many emotions in one.

Jealousy is not simple and is not dangerous. Sure to a lot of us it feels strange and new as we don't often get to feel it in life... but it is the newness that makes us feel like it's wrong. It makes us feel that we are misbehaving and that we should be shameful about our seeming lack of control over our emotions.

Jealousy can be harnessed to achieve great things in terms of knowing ourselves and how strong our relationships really are. It can also indicate that there is something wrong in the relationship or in the relationship of our lover and their other lover.

There is nothing wrong with it or bad about it. It is very human and shows that we too can be humbled by our less desirable emotions....
Amen! It's not about whether or not we're jealous, it's about how we handle that jealousy. It's about whether or not we're willing to take a hard look at what that jealousy is telling us about ourselves or our relationship and communicate openly and honestly about those concerns. I've known a lot of people that spend a long time trying to transcend jealousy or claiming that they have transcended all jealousy. I think many times this is just a form of denial.

We should never have to apologize for what feelings we're experiencing. How we *handle* those feelings is what matters.
If we had a like button I'd click it.

Was beautifully put, both of you. Very insightful. I think everyone gets jealous at some point or another. Agreed it's the way you handle the emotion, not the emotion itself.
I've known a lot of people that spend a long time trying to transcend jealousy or claiming that they have transcended all jealousy. I think many times this is just a form of denial.


We have friends that absolutely refuse to use the word jealousy, but when the primary barged in on her and her secondary just as they were about to have sex, he said that he "had concerns."...such bullshit.
Thanks Redpepper.
It's funny how sometimes things are so well timed. Your post is a great reminder to me.
Question for you all:

So when you feel jealous-what do you do with/about it?

For example, if you feel jealous about your primary holding hands with their secondary-what do you do? Whose responsibility is this?

I have this ... conflict. Because in my opinion if a person feels jealous-it is their own emotion. I rarely feel jealous -rarely. But on the occassions do-I start by talking to MYSELF about it. Asking myself WHAT I am feeling that way about, WHY that bothers me, what about the behavior, action, look or whatever is threatening to me and in what way. I have never gotten to a point where I found that my jealousy was in ANY WAY caused by a legitimate reason that the other person was in any way responsible for.

Recently my secondary (I hate these terms, but it's easier to explain using them when dealing with people who don't know me) told me I wasn't his type. I was jealous and upset at first. But then I was like-ok so what? He's OBVIOUSLY attracted to me, OBVIOUSLY madly in love with me and OBVIOUSLY devoted not only to me but to my husband and children as well. So why does it matter to me that I am not his type? Well ultimately-it doesn't. In fact it's kind of an ego trip once I thought it through because that means I rated above all those women who ARE his type.

On the other hand, my primary gets jealous anytime he thinks about the possibility of me having sex with someone else, or kissing them, or holding hands or going on vacation (those are all specific examples he's listed) or going to dinner, or going to the movies........
And he see's it as "these actions cause my jealousy so they should not be done when I will have to deal with them".

SO-what do YOU all do with/for dealing with your jealousy and what is your take on it?

I do much of what you mentioned when I feel jealous. Why do I feel this way? Is is solely within me? Is it something I am percieving or is the situation actually a problem? Is there something that has triggered an insecurity of mine (yes 98.9% of the time)? Is there something that my SO is doing differently that has triggered it? If so, is it something I can adapt to or does it conflict with my beliefs?

There have been times it is something I have totally misunderstood. Sometimes I have to ask myself where the heck I came up with that perception. Sometimes, I've had to ask for some help form my SO. It makes me feel X when you do Y.

Then there have been times I've discovered it is envy more than jealousy. Say that Gator and I have for years made time for a date once a week. Now that he has Kitten in his life, we aren't able to fit one in once a week but try for once evey two weeks. Ok, this works. But then say life just keeps getting in the way of those date of ours and we never seem to be able to have one. However, life doesn't hit the relationship he has with Kitten as hardly and doesn't interfere with their date nights. I'm not jealous that he is having them with her but I miss the ones we should be having and I envy the time she is getting with him. I have to talk with him and we both have to agree not to let that life interfer as much and for us to get the much needed bonding time as well. Here, I can be happy he is getting his time with Kitten but unhappy our time together has been delayed. It can come out hurt and irritable as jealousy would but that isn't what I am feeling. I had to analyze first and then go from there.

Sorry to ramble.

I certainly don't mind your "ramble". I'm planning to share this thread with hubby and I am interested in everyone's perceptions! The more we hear, the easier it is to see into ourselves!
Question for you all:

So when you feel jealous-what do you do with/about it?

For me it's usually because I don't think the person who is the object of my jealousy has spent enough time and energy getting to know me and respecting my place in my husbands life. I need to feel that their intentions are honorable and that my husband respects that I am first when he starts a new relationship. If the person makes an effort and I can see it then I am usually very giving of letting go of my husbands time with me.... even if they are obviously having a hard time talking to me and approaching me I am willing to take that as an effort. I am not always that easy to approach as I am very confident, intuitive and trust that in myself, clear to the point of being blunt about what I think, I am very passionate about my beliefs around certain topics and most of all very protective of my husbands heart... I have seen it damaged and will raise hell if necessary if anyone hurts him again.

I go with my gut a lot and sometimes I am jealous when I just don't think the person is good enough to be in our lives.... they have to be worth the effort and if I think they aren't then I rage if my husband thinks they are....

I do a lot of checking in with my body and where my feelings sit... for every emotion really, but for jealousy especially... I know myself well enough to know that if certain areas of my body are effected then it's for a certain reason...

Sometimes, just being rational is all it takes to realize what is going on.... for instance my co-worker went on her third trip over seas this year, not to mention all the little trips she's done... her husband works for an airline company and gets free stand-by tickets to anywhere they want to go. I have not been on holiday out of province, let alone off this island!!! in years.!!! I am fiercely jealous and dread her coming home with her stupid pictures of her stupid trip...:mad: grrrr..... I may be sick that day... just so you know. Don't tell my boss, k? :cool:

One last thing, there are several threads on this topic... look back or do a search cause they are gold!
I agree this post is very insightful. Jealousy is something that many people struggle with..Myself rather more frequently of late. And I believe working throught why I feel this way is the best way to deal with it. If I find myself feeling Jealous I try to identify why I am having these feelings and what I might be able to do to lessen Them or make them redundant. I think jealousy is a very normal feeling to have and that You can learn alot from it and that Communication is a very important part of dealing with it.