Just LR

Lol! I just got the call, I'm going to be a grammy again! :) it's still secret, so I can't share on fb or with the family. But, I had to tell someone, so you guys get the news first. ;)
 
This cold is kicking my ass! :( I gargled salt water before bed. Nasty! But it did seem to help a bit with the sore throat.
My bro is having a heartbreaking time right now. Their marriage has been rocky for some time. But, it looks like they may have reached the final cliff. I don't know. I try to stay out of it. But, he's my baby brother. It's hard to watch.
On a good note, my statistics classes are going well so far as is my weight training class. :)
Two days til maca comes home. I'm looking forward to seeing him and my Sweet Pea again! Sweet Pea got two Spruce Hens today for their dinner. :) Everyone has been very impressed with him at hunting camp. He's been helpful and on the ball all week. I am honestly not surprised, he really is an amazing kid. But, I am very proud of him. This is the first time they have allowed Anyone under 16. So it was a big deal and he has proven himself worthy of them taking the chance on him. He's invited to go again next year. :) (he's 12)
Except being sick-life is good. Sour Pea has been getting her chore routine down and working on school too. I watched October Baby last night and cried my eyes out. GG has been taking care of me and keeping me hydrated and fed. :)
 
DC7783 said:
How do I know if anyone is online? I'm all new at this....:confused:
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Another way to see if a particular person is on-line: there's a circle at the right of our user names (at head of each post and elsewhere). If it's green, that person is on-line. [sending this as PM, but posting it here for any other newbies]
 
LovingRadiance said:
Lol! I just got the call, I'm going to be a grammy again! :) it's still secret, so I can't share on fb or with the family. But, I had to tell someone, so you guys get the news first. ;)
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Congrats and good luck to the mommy!
 
We watched 'The Lucky One' tonight as a family. It was an emotional movie, but a nice, relaxing and mellow evening.
Our weather is a bit insane at the moment. Didn't know Alaska had a monsoon season, been here 34 years, never seen anything like it. But, I suppose there is a first for everything!
Sour Pea went to tears, inconsolable sobbing when GG left for work (he takes 'lunch' between 7-9 pm to do the bedtime routine with her). Maca is curled up in her bed now reading her a story, but it was an impressive emotional breakdown. The whole of her hysteria, combined with our unreal and unusual weather got my heart ticking with nerves. I trxted him to drive safe tonight and to let me know when he was home safe. I don't usually hear him when he comes home, he sneaks in quiet as a mouse around 2am.
Now, off to dreams for me. Tomorrow, statistics homework!
 
I worked to process my feelings today-I'm not done. But, here are some of the thoughts.

In my world, if a person wants a “restart” on our relationship after they have harmed me (regardless of circumstance), the following steps are necessary:

request a restart
acknowledge the harm you did to me
make amends for the harm (depending on circumstance they may be simple or complicated)
respect the current limitation of my trust
take concrete actions to show me the situation has changed, in order to built trust
not play avoidy games
not play 3rd party communication-communicate clearly and directly to me
accept that restart comes with limited privileges due to breach of trust
Finally, accept and understand that at no point, ever, does your closeness with someone else in my life automatically extend to you the privileges I extend to people I am personally close to. You can not ever get those privileges without doing the work to get to know me personally and build a trusting relationship with me personally.
 
Expectations of Metamours-unfinished

I expect metamours to

respect our boundaries
communicate directly to me on issues regarding me
treat my children with kindness and respect
never talk bad about myself, GG or Maca in front of our children
respect my personal space
treat me kindly
not talk negatively about me behind my back
consider the consequences of their actions upon me
consider the consequences of their actions on M & I's relationship
consider the consequences of their words upon me
consider the consequences of their words upon M & I's relationship
consider the consequences of their actions on GG
consider the consequences of their actions on our children
consider the consequences of their words on GG
consider the consequences of their words on our children
NOT discipline my children
NOT undermine my, GG or Maca's authority with our children
NOT attempt to get in the middle of any of my other relationships
NOT attempt to undermine any of my other relationships
NOT treat me or my relationships with disdain
Be understanding of the limitations on our time for social activities


*every one of these is also an expectation I have for my friends and for Maca and GG's friends.
 
Having opened up the darker secrets of my submissiveness has created a much more significant Vulnerability in me, regarding Maca.

I was explaining the other day;
If Friendship is a risk base of 10 points
Romantic gestures added=+5pts
Sex added=+20
Commitment=+10
Marriage=+20
Submission=+20H
Kids=+50 per kid
Buying a home=+20
Etc. so with each addt'l sharing, the risk goes up and thus your POTENTIAL DAMAGE increases too.
So when assessing the relationship against itself, it can increase risk and thus your vulnerability with each of these (and there are others) added dynamics to any relationship.......
 
Kids

Sigh...

Unrelated to Poly,
my godson, SplitPea, disappeared.... Christmas will be 2 years I think. Anyway, In May he reached out to me via facebook.
He beat around the bush for 1/2 hour via instant messenger then asked "where do we stand".
It was his mom who took him-and dumped him with his paternal grandparents for a year before finally arranging for him to go live with her (long back story of abandonment etc).

Anyway, I told him my only bitch with him was that he promised to let us know he was safe-and he didn't. He agreed, he's plenty old enough now to at least drop a post card in the mail that says he's safe.
So, in the months since, he's been keeping touch and letting me know when he gets moved around etc. He's in Louisiana now.
But, today he's struggling because his mom is endlessly jumping boyfriend to boyfriend and not doing shit with her own life (or his). His stepfather still has legal custody (he lives here) and won't give it up, but his mom can't enroll him in school because of it.
The kid is smart-but educationally-fucked because of their stupid shit-it makes me SICK. :(
He's been on im with me for an hour and its SO FUCKING HARD to keep my mouth shut about HOW FUCKING RIDICULOUS it is the shit they are doing with him. He's 15 now. Still got 3 years to go. :(
 
Where is that line where he ends and I begin? Sometimes I find myself unsure of where to set the limit.
Where it feels best for me is obvious enough. But, if that is 'too far' for him? Dealbreakers? I don't know. :(

For me, I could never date someone who didn't treat both of my loves with respect and I couldn't do anyone talking trash about them. It's very simple for me-so much so that I walked away from my dad over it (and I am a daddys girl).
I can't even do friends and family if they can't manage respectful treatment of my spice.

But-just because I feel that way, does that mean he shouldn't befriend and/or date someone who doesn't respect me?

Sigh
 
I think there is something wrong with me. I read your post today and my heart started pounding in my ears so loud, I thought it was going to explode. It's not like I don't know that you have sex with him, but it just fucks me up to read or hear about it. I feel like a hypocrit. And I hate it. I don't want to make a big deal out of this, I don't even think I want to talk about it. I just wanted you to know, incase I act...out of sorts. It's not you, and I'm just trying to work through it.
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That was the text I got tonight as a result of writing about GG in my poly blog today.

This, only a couple hours after telling me he would like to go to the now 25 yo's derby event next month.

Chick who has a conflict with me that started with her telling me he has no issues with poly any more and I am the one who needs to let go of all of the unnecessary boundary restrictions because he doesn't need them, and I'm just being vindictively possessive so he can't be with her. Uh huh.

Right. Same chick who thinks that she knows him so much better than I do and that I just don't understand how much he has changed that he totally understands and accepts my relationship with GG and that he just wants and needs me to give him the opportunity to build the same type of relationship. (as if i am stopping him).
Same chick who refuses to sit down with me face to face and resolve the conflict between us which escalated with her tash talking of me, and instead has convinced him to sweep it all under the carpet and they can go on with their little social life together and pretend nothing happened and that I dont exist.

To say my blood is boiling would be putting it mildly. I'm seething. Grow the fuck up! Oh my lord. Venomous fury.

What the fuck is so hard to understand about taking time to develop at least a friendly, respectful metamour relationship? What the fuck is so hard to understand About clear and direct communication with metamours is NECESSARY to ensure a safe trip thru their fucking airspace?

She is a self righteous, self centered bitch.
He is a fucking moron.
I am fucking caught in a game of Muppet bullshit and I cant get calm enough to find the fucking appropriate exit.
God DAMN IT.

I texted back that he should forward the message to her. Let her rationalize out what the fuck I am supposed to do with it.
 
Hey, don't trash talk the Muppets! ;)


Sorry... couldn't resist. Seriously, her message is confusing to me. This is Maca's gf and she's upset that you're having sex with GG? And she posts a message like that without ever sitting down to talk to you? Weird!

LR, you have better things to do with your time than give any more thought to this. Don't let it get to you, don't let her occupy space in your head rent-free, as they say. Breathe...
 
Breathe. Do not engage if you are FULL already.

Anyone else coming with stuff? Tell them you are full up, not taking anything else on board right now.

Have to put your oxygen mask on first.

Hang in there!

GalaGirl
 
It looks like several separate issues all mixed together.

His discomfort reading about GG and the warning he may act badly as a result. The hypocrisy of he feels. And your issues with the GF, and the cascade of disrespect you feel from him by proxy.


IMO maaca isn't really poly just adapted to or living the hand dealt. The reason i say that is this seems like a never ending issue.

That explains the hypocrisy. Haven't followed the smack talking gf thing so I'm not sure on that but could there be consciously or subconscious an element of payback.

The pain of reading those things made him feel like he was going to explode.
He's warning you I could lash out. What better way to lash out... With a trash talking 20 something young girl.
 
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Dinged-your comment is precisely my impression of the whole thing.

BUT he is also a "live it and learn it" person-so anytime I say anything, its automatically disregarded, until he experiences it for himself.
It's fucking annoying.

I would rather he move on than make everyone miserable by playing games.

In the meantime, I'm doing like GalaGirl said-and just not participating with any of it-because I need to deal with me and I'm on overload. School takes higher priority than their bullshit and the kids take higher priority than all of it.

So, off to class with kids in tow. Finish out the class while my GG takes the kids to the library (they love it there) and then grab lunch with them all so we can have some fun before he goes to work.

One thing at a time-and giving the kids and GG a happy day is something I can do, gives us all a break.
 
transference?

LR,

You may not find this helpful but I was really struck in your post about Maca's text that you went immediately to anger at the woman he's seeing.

It reads to me like you are seriously angry at Maca and are transferring that anger to her. From what you've written, she's no great prize. But Maca wrote that text, not her. Yet your anger, at least in this post, is directed at her.

Also, yeah, don't tar the Muppets with this! I know GG uses that term but I love the Muppets and would not mind being in a Muppets situation at all!

Maybe Fraggle Rock? Avenue Q? Real Housewives?
 
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I see two totally separate issues.
1. Maca has issues hearing about your sex life with GG and ALWAYS has
2. You have issues with Maca's interest in the 20's something twit.

I think your issues with the 20 something are escalating things, that would be an issue in any case. Personally, I see nothing wrong with his text. As soon as I read the blog post, I was wondering how Maca would deal with reading that much detail. I give him kudos for recognizing that this is setting him off, giving you a heads up and realizing this is his to work through. I would have a discussion with him and ask if next time he wants a heads up to avoid that post or not, or together you can come up with a code or something where he can decide to read or avoid based on his mood at the time.

I personally can deal much better with emotional triggers, if I have some warning. I have sent similar texts (about other issues), and then been able to have a rational discussion about it later. Being able to express these triggers without fear of a massive explosion, is extremely helpful. It also helps me work through things and it doesn't bother me so much the next time. Sometimes, it is the tiny small things that we can do differently that can make all the difference in the world.

Not going to address the issues with the 20 something gf. "If you can't say anything nice..." Eventually, the blinders will come off, just stand your ground in the meantime.
 
Oops, I thought Maca's gf sent the text, not sure why I interpreted it that way. So, okay, Maca did, hmm. You (and we) know he has had problems with your relationship with GG all these years, and it has always puzzled me especially given what a stand-up guy and treasured member of the family GG has been for so long. This seems like a cycle Maca insists on perpetuating. Every time you think you're making progress and moving forward - Maca has to take two steps back and freak out. At some point, he has to stop indulging in that shit. I don't think there's anything you can do except for being your usual no-bullshit ethical self. You've got enough years' experience to rely on your intuition and common sense where he is concerned. But if Maca is to get anywhere, like out of the hole he creates for himself time and time again, he needs to pull himself out. Not drag you down with him.
 
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