Thank you Monkeystyle. I think my personality type has a lot to do with how I write AND how I percieve people in my life, even when I am struggling through the hurt.
I am an ENFJ. If you haven't, check out the book "please understand me II" It has a WEALTH of information about the different personality types & the things you mention about me (and my writing) are key components of my personality type, which is an Idealist Teacher.
I am currently losing myself in the book again. Not completely randomly. A "curiosity killed the cat moment" struck me and I re-took the test (nothing new-same results even though it's been years since I did it before). I am re-reading the section that describes myself.
It just so happens that Panther is also an Idealist, though he is a Counselor Idealist (he's an I where I'm an E). Excitingly Sweet Pea took the test and he's a ENFP which is a Champion Idealist.
So ironically; all three of us struggle with feeling like no one *really* understands us. Panther's personality type is 1% of the population. Mine is 2% and Sweet Pea's is 2-3%.
Hilarious, in a relieving, but sort of sad way.
The other irony I found is that one of the key reasons that Maca seems soooo unable to trust Panther; is the conflict in their personality types. There's far too much to explain, but one small nugget that sticks out meaningful is this one about Idealists;
"When frustrated by their idealism, or when treated unjustly, Idealists can become quickly irritated and they will respond furiously, the fire of their enthusiasm suddenly flaring out in anger."
There's no question that Maca treated Panther unjustly. In the span of about 5 weeks he managed to shock, hurt and offend him several times with his lashing out defensively and attacking Panther in his fear of losing me.
Panthers reaction has been to completely shut down communication with him.
Maca see's this as an affront, he doesn't see that Panther doesn't owe him acceptance of his apologies. Nor does he see that Panther may have good cause for feeling that if Maca is "really sorry" he will fix the issues between he and I and his actions with me will make that obvious OVER TIME. Panther see's the continued drama between Maca and I as proof that in fact Maca has not dealt with shit and therefore his apology is meaningless. THAT is also a screaming response of an Idealist personality. Because Idealists prize love, benevolence, authenticity of self and empathy very highly. Additionally; because of our long-standing friendship; Panther see's Maca's actions and behavior towards me as personally offensive; because those actions are destructive to me and he loves me.
Maca is not an Idealist. He is a Guardian Inspector. His personality type is stoic, pessimistic, fatalistic & prizes dependability, beneficience, respectability, security, authority, belonging, gratitude. The things he is looking for to "trust" Panther; are things that he can't easily find.
Neither knows the others personality in terms of the book or in general-because they are also both introverts and thus have never really made any strong effort to get to know each other. Panther has tried repeatedly to invite Maca out BECAUSE his friendship with me matters. But Maca has declined. However-because Panther is an introvert and most of our communication has been one on one; Maca see's him as being "not very involved" in my life; which isn't true either.
Sigh.
At any rate; I'm stepping away from the immediate emotionally draining drama. I put in my resume all over this week. Now-I am losing myself in reading and crafts for the weekend.
I think the happiest thing about the book is Sweet Pea doing the test. His sudden eye opening "THATS WHY" moments and the sudden understanding of why it is that we "click" so well and why we understand each other when others don't-has been so wonderful to see him experience. Like a little oasis of "im not fucked up mom!" that he really needed.