LR - WOW! Not snarky at all - you're right.
I'm glad you took it the way I meant it KT. I know it's hard when it's written to know the actual tone.
I do have a lot of anger and resentment towards my husband. I hate that he did this to me and our marriage. I hate that he is putting his needs before me, our marriage and our family. I hate that he fell in love with someone else - especially someone who is the exact polar opposite of me. I hate myself for being so weak and trusting that I caved into the pressures and guilt he put on me to allow him to have sex with MG in the first place. I didn't want this - but was bullied into letting this happen. I trusted him when he told me it was just sex - no more.
This is key.
I KNOW it's easier to blame the "other woman" (or man). But, the healing isn't in going there. The healing is in focusing yourself on the TRUTH of your emotions so that you can deal with them honestly.
It's ok to feel those things towards him. There is an entire thread about my feelings of similar level upset towards GG (different REASON-same depth of emotion). Only by being HONEST with him about how I felt was I able to start processing my feelings and accepting that I had BOTH the negative AND the positive feelings for him. Also-by being honest with him about it-he was able to look at how he could change things (or not) that could resolve some of the conflicts.
The hardest part is remembering that a relationship (any type, not just romantic) can only be had if BOTH parties are getting their needs met. That requires understanding what each persons needs ARE. People aren't the same. They don't always have the same needs.
GG and I are TOTAL OPPOSITES in MANY ways.
Maca and I are TOTAL OPPOSITES in MANY ways.
In order for each of us to get our needs met, we each must be accepting of the other person having needs that we do NOT HAVE.
For example, Maca is an introvert. He "recharges his batteries" alone. I am an extrovert, I "recharge my batteries" in a social scene. We have to accept that HE NEEDS alone time and I NEED social time. This often means being apart, because the nature of our needs can't be done simultaneously.
(It might be useful for you to buy the book "please understand me II" and do the test, then read about your personality, then do the test as YOU would guess the answers for your husband and read his. Better yet-have him do the test. You may learn a LOT about the NEEDS that aren't being met and be able to de-personalize some things)
I hate myself for not putting my foot down because I didn't want to upset or disappoint him. I am angry at him because he sees how much this hurts me, he sees how this has made me depressed, insecure, anxious - but he places the blame on me. I am open and honest and I admit to these feelings towards my husband. And yes, admitting I feel hatred towards the love of my life is extremely difficult. I have told him how I feel - but his outlook is "it is what it is - accept it and move on." He does feel guilt for causing me hurt - but he is frustrated that I am still struggling. However - I do have hate, anger and resent towards MG for reasons I'm not going to go into. So I do admit to my feelings - what now? Admitting them doesn't make them go away. With my husband - the love I feel for him is strong enough for me to be able to push aside the negative feelings in order to enjoy our time together. But it doesn't last long. That is why we can't seem to go a day or so without fighting. I need to find a way to forgive and forget - my marriage depends on it.
Unfortunately he's right. If your child died... you'd be devastated and there would be nothing you could do about it. They are dead. So do you just die and leave the other child motherless? Or do you learn to accept and move on? It's really a similar type of thing.
Your old marriage died. Do you forego all that can be to grieve that loss, or are you going to let go of it-since it's dead and gone, and learn to accept and move on for the sake of the new marriage you can have with this man you love?
My brain is mono-wired. I don't understand having the ability to love two people (and don't bring up children - it's different.). I do look at his needing her in his life shows a void in our relationship and in me - I take it as a flaw in me. He has pointed out many times what she gives him that I don't. I have told him that I want him to be happy and if she makes him happy then I will let him go. He gives me all I need. I don't have the need to seek out another person. He is all I need. It breaks my heart that after 20 years - he doesn't feel the same anymore.
Mono-wired or not, you can choose to accept the truth and find a happy life, or you can choose to fight reality and be miserable. It sounds harsh-but that is the truth. It does NOT mean you "have to stay". It does mean that if you CHOOSE to stay then YOU are responsible to ACCEPT the TRUTH of what staying means. It means that YOU will be married to a man who is in love with another woman and is continuing to maintain and build a relationship with her.
You are making yourself miserable because you are still holding on to "what SHOULD be" and what is "FAIR".
We don't live in heaven KT. I'm not trying to be a bitch-but we don't. Life isn't fair. Life sucks. We all know it, but as my brother said the other day-each painful breath is also the greatest gift we could ever receive and if we focus on the gift-we can move on.
The book The Seven Levels of Intimacy talks about the fact that we kill our own intimate relationships because we are so busy insisting that we must UNDERSTAND before we can ACCEPT someone. The TRUTH is that if we ever want to TRULY understand someone who is different from us, FIRST WE HAVE TO SIMPLY ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE.
YOU are mono.
HE is poly.
First you accept.
Then you can possibly learn to understand.
But you do not need to understand to accept.
And because I want him to be happy - I'm not asking him to end things with her. But it doesn't mean I have to have her in my life.
No, it doesn't necessarily. BUT-you also can't control other people. Anytime you add a person to your life (in your case I'm referring to adding HIM to your life) you add THEIR RIGHTS to the equation. He has a right to have her in his life and he can choose to increase that time or decrease it at will. Which you can not control. Doesn't make it "right" or "wrong", just stating a fact.
SO-if you want to stay with him, then you need to accept that she will be with him as much as he decides she will be and you will be with him as much as he decides you will be. Because you (and she) can't control him, all of you can only control yourselves.
She accepts her husbands need for DADT - but they are forcing me to welcome her into our lives, our family with open arms. Also - if he fell in love with someone else - would MG be ok with that? Would MG be happy for him? Would she become friends with the new g/f? The answer is NO - she wouldn't. She doesn't want us to go swinging anymore because of jealousy and fear of STD's. But I am supposed to be completely ok with them having sex and being in love? Im supposed to like her and let her into our lives? The hypocrisy is too much!
What she wants/has with her other relationship is not pertinent and it doesn't matter if it's different than yours. Her and her husband define their relationship.
You and your husband define your relationship.
She and your husband define their relationship.
It's only hurting yourself to compare.
Here is an example I gave my husband: if I came home one day Goth - and had Goth friends, went to Goth parties etc (and I'm not knocking Goth - but that is about as far from my appearance and personality as I can get). Would he accept it? Would he go out in public with me? Would he go to Goth parties with me? Or would he say this is your thing - not mine. Would he understand and accept but not want to participate?
Again-while I DO understand what you are saying-it's not pertinent. IF you do/say/become someone he is uncomfortable with, then he gets to choose how to react. HOWEVER-he can't choose if you will be/do/say or become one thing or another.
Likewise you don't get to choose what he will be/do/say or become.
Do I have a passion? No - except for him and our children. Right or wrong - he has been my passion for 20 years. I don't have close friends. I don't have a hobby. I don't have goals. Whose fault is that? Mine - all mine.
From the beginning of your posts on the board you've known this was an issue. You need to stop talking about it adn start doing something about it.
Seriously-I thinkthe biggest thing I see that would concern me is that where you are in this moment is much the same as where you were when you first started posting.
Taking action is NECESSARY for change. Talking is not action. You need to make a decision to DO something and then DO it.
Stop talking about not having a hobby, a goal, a friend, a passion. GO GET ONE.
Not tomorrow-RIGHT NOW. Every change in life starts with a STEP. You aren't taking the step KT.
Stop putting it off.
Stop making excuses.
Pick a day and schedule an activity for EVERY WEEK on that day. No excuses. After 3 months if you don't love the activity-pick a new one.
