You are not frustrating us. We are being a little forceful and repetitive with our messages to you, because we (I think I speak for most if not all here) want you to hear it. But we are not frustrated, nor are we judging you. Your situation is HARD. Please continue to post. Understand that we do care enough to want updates if you're willing to continue to give them.
I feel your pain a bit, because for over a year I've had people yelling at me on forums that I was being a bad mother for not snatching my kids up out of my husband's house and running away, hiding, having him arrested, getting restraining orders, etc. I, too, could not afford a lawyer, though I did avail myself of a few free consultations because I wanted to know some reality on my situation. I've hung in there, for a YEAR, with someone that I'm literally afraid of, who is seriously mentally ill and armed to the teeth. He could go from zero to lethal in seconds. And yet I hung in there until I was ready to make my move and get out, which as you know I'm doing now.
You must do things in your own time.
The main thing that I keep harping on, and others keep harping on, and you really need to wrap your head around, is that you do not need another entity to feed your sense of self to you. You, just you, YOU have tremendous worth. You know what? Megan isn't worth more than you. She really is not. I think that's part of a very toxic mindset that is probably somewhat common in military guys...the devaluing of self. Because you have to be comfortable with the risks you take with your life in combat, and sacrificing your own comfort and your individuality and your SELF for your Army, your brothers, your unit. You aren't you anymore. You're the uniform. One of many.
But you did not die. You put your Self in a box and stowed it, probably thinking you stowed it in Megan's hands, and you became what you needed to, you adapted. It is time to take that box back, smash it, and set your Self free. It's not a big scary world out there, my friend...it's a big beautiful world full of people who are mostly good. Mostly awesome actually. The birds are still singing and the sun is still shining. And you've got a share of ownership in a world filled with joys and experiences, and you are young. I would love to see you seize the day, my friend.
First of all, you are fortunate in that you SHOULD, unless I'm very mistaken, have access to a lot of military resources, including legal help. I would be very shocked if you didn't. Please look into it if you haven't yet. You should be able to get sole or at least joint custody of the kids. I'm assuming you have a VA loan on your home? You will need to look into an IRRRL. Interest Rate Reduction Refi Loan. Depending on the market rate when you bought it, the main challenge is finding a lower rate now. But that is the easiest way to get her off your mortgage. In court, they basically try to "award" the house to whoever gets the kids, BUT that person has to be able to refi, and may have to pay out half of the equity to the leaving spouse. Unless she's got a down payment saved up (doubt it) she can't refi in just her name. The only alternative is a court order to sell the house and split the profit or loss. Being able to demonstrate that you could keep the house on your own ought to help your case...because she can't, and she wants to run off and live with Mr. Domly Dom anyhow.
Also, start cultivating a healthier gut. And no, I'm not talking yogurt. You need to start being able to recognize and evaluate "healthy" from "toxic" energy in your life, and reject that which is poison, and embrace that which is healthy. Stop letting your silly wife poison you!!
And if you have doubts, and difficulties, I remind you what others have said...do you really want your daughter to grow up believing that you should hang in there and survive if you're being abused? Do you?
One of the greatest motivators for me to finally get out was how much damage I realized was going on with my younger son. He doesn't want to be a man anymore, because the only man he's had as a role model is batshit bananaballs...and he developed anxiety from constantly having to watch out for his Dad's moods, to the point he was pulling his own hair out. Counseling helped, but it was a bandaid...and I knew I had to get him out of there.
I think you should confront your wife and ask her if she really thinks you're going to let her take the kids when she goes off to live in submission to Mr. Long, and if that's really something she thinks is appropriate for them to see? She wants to go live a life with no rules, fine. But she doesn't get to take the kids. Kids need rules. They need sanity. Stability. She doesn't have much of that going for her right now in what she is doing.
Oh, and last but not least, take it from a fairly experienced woman who has had quite a lot of partners in her lifetime. One of the best lovers I've ever had, and by that I mean skilled in operating my equipment, can turn me into a puddle without even taking off his pants, and didn't need a whole ton of real life experience with a lot of women to get that way. He studied, learned, and pays meticulous attention to ME. He's not some hot young stud pretty-boy and he doesn't rock a huge willy--which is great, because there's more I can happily do with an average one. Good sex is about far more than size. Her insult was schoolyard CHILDISH. Get right with yourself. You can do better than this woman, and you don't deserve this treatment.