Male in lifestyle, jealousy, etc.

N

newbiensguy

New member
Hello!

First of all, I am sorry for the eventual misspelling. English is not my first language.

I am male (31), bisexual, and I am married for 8 years for a wonderful female (28) who is bicurious. I am new in the lifestyle.

Currently I am going through a crisis regarding my own insecurities and jealousy issues. My wife and I, all-in-all, have a stable and fine life, both financially and emotionally.

Recently, like a week ago, we decided, after a long time, to open up our relationship, mainly just for the purpose of sex and finding random hook-ups and one night stands. It was her initial idea, and I would say all-in-all that she is more into it than I am. But, I am into it as well because we both have some sexual desires which haven't been fulfilled for years.

We tried swinging at first, but we just couldn't find suitable couples or individuals for years. I just have to point out that we do have open communication. I am addressing all of my insecurities to her, and she keeps on reassuring me that she loves me and doesn't plan to replace me with anyone else, and that it's just for the purpose of hook-ups and sex. Also, she told me that I can close up the relationship at any moment if it becomes too much for me to handle.

The thing is, I really want her to be happy and I want her to enjoy life, and I also want to fulfill some of my desires (to have sex with a guy, I have been fantasizing about it for years). But at the same time, when I see how many matches she gets, with the guys who I find to be better looking than me, and better endowed than me (btw, I am 6 inches, 6'2, very fit, swimmer), my mind just goes insane, and I want it all to stop, I become jealous, anxious, nervous, and currently, while I am writing this, I am drowning my anxiety in red wine.

I am looking for advice, or simply someone (other than my wife) to understand me and sympathize with me. Gotta say, we haven't had any other people so far. We are just swiping on Tinder and Badoo for now, but she has waaay more success than I do. If you've come so far, congrats and thank you!
 
Welcome.

This board is for the purpose of polyamory, which means having multiple loving adult relationships with the joyful and informed consent of all involved.

It sounds like you and your wife just want to hook up with others sexually. You're both bisexual and want to explore hooking up with people of both genders. Maybe you tried to "share" a woman or guy, or to play with couples in a foursome arrangement for a while, but couldn't find anyone that suited you.

Now you're branching out on your own, hoping to have better luck trying to date individually? But your wife is getting plenty of hits while you're not getting any. Also, you are insecure about your looks (despite being 6'2" and fit) and are afraid your wife will leave you for a more attractive guy.

You'll get sympathy from other guys here, as this is a common occurrence. Women will get hit on more than men. That's just what happens. However, women are no more likely to find a good, suitable, nice, kind, trustworthy partner than men are. Women have to wade through a lot of chaff to find the wheat.

As for your jealousy, it is based in fear. Fear of loss, usually. If you're determined to practice ethical non-monogamy, all you can do is consent to her dating, and ride it out, and then, when she does not leave you for another, you'll learn that she can love you and stay with you, even while having her FWBs. You will build confidence and trust. But it's a process that takes time.

Again, this is a board for polyamory, which means means many loves, not many casual sex partners. We can love and have sex with more than one person and not decide to leave one just because we enjoy the company of another. Do you leave one friend, a good friend, if you get a new friend? No, you just enjoy having 2 friends. Do you neglect and stop loving one child because you have a second child?

The same goes for polyamory.
 
Yes, I do realise the distinction when it comes to terms. (I have a Bachelor's Degree in Journalism.) It's just that I found this forum first and decided to talk it all out.

Plus, somehow the situation I am in, to me, looks more similar to poly issues than classic swinging issues. When it comes to that, I guess I am more on the swinging side. I'm definitely not poly.

Oh, I failed to mention one important thing about myself. (The red wine is hitting me.) Something that is the root of all of my insecurities is my teeth, which are extremely crooked due to the fact that I had cleft palate, upper lip and upper jaw when I was born. I had like 5 surgeries, and most of it is well taken care of, but my upper jaw is still a bit deformed, although it is not clearly visible until someone lifts the upper lip and checks it out. I don't have a nice smile, and that's something that, pardon my French, fucks me rough for all of my life.

Anyway, thank you very much for your response, and if this somehow goes against the forum rules, etc,, I will remove the post.
 
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newbiensguy said:
But at the same time, when I see how many matches she gets, with the guys who I find to be better looking than me, and better endowed than me (btw, I am 6 inches, 6'2, very fit, swimmer), my mind just goes insane, and I want it all to stop, I become jealous, anxious, nervous
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Try not to let this get in your head. Good looking means nothing, and usually they are jerks. Dick size means nothing, unless it's too big or too small. Never worry about that. Big dicks can suck in bed and smaller dicks can be wonderful. It really has nothing to do with size.

Women will get tons of matches, but the quality is few and far between. She has to wade through them to find a decent connection and it's exhausting. They will also drop off, as women are bombarded in apps when first joining and many can be fake accounts.

Just be yourself and don't compare yourself to her. It's much harder for men on dating sites when it comes to matches. It took my partner 6 months to find a date, but once he did he started finding matches more regularly. There's something to being a bit desperate/insecure that makes things harder. Just be up front and own it and you'll find women.
 
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Your post is fine. You are becoming jealous as your wife seeks a sex partner. This also happens when men see their partner seek a partner to fall in love with.

You don't think you could love more than one. Do you think your wife could love more than one? Or do you fear she can only love one person at a time, and might fall in love with another guy, or woman, and leave you for them?
 
Bobbi said:
Try not to let this go to your head. Good looking means nothing and usually they are jerks and dick size means nithing unless its too big or too small. Never worry about that. Big dicks can suck in bed and smaller dicks can be wonderful. It really has nothing to do with size.
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We could debate this all day. ;) But honestly, there is no reason a man should know anything about the penis size of the guys his wife/partner is dating or looking to date. That's just TMI. She should not be telling her established partner how big other men's dicks are, much less showing him pictures, if that's what is happening here!

Adding to that, his wife is bi. Other women can have bigger dicks than many men, which stay hard and can go for hours, ya know. (I'm talking about toys, if you don't understand. ;) )
 
Magdlyn said:
Your post is fine. You are becoming jealous as your wife seeks a sex partner. This also happens when men see their partner seek a partner to fall in love with.

You don't think you could love more than one. Do you think your wife could love more than one? Or do you fear she can only love one person at a time, and might fall in love with another guy, or woman, and leave you for them?
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Nah, for her, it is strictly sexual. She comes from a messed-up family and is a bit emotionally unavailable, so variety in sex is all she is looking for. She just wants to try it with other people too, guys mostly, because she is, as I've mentioned, bi-curious. On the other hand, I am all into other guys, as well as women. I'd say I'm 50-50.
 
To be more specific, vaginas are as varied as penises. A good match provides the best experience. Sometimes the match is a size, a shape, a certain bend, etc. Size isn't everything.
 
In my experience, the best lovers are the ones who have mastered my body, and that takes time. One-night stands might scratch an itch, but are never as good as an established partner that has spent the time to really learn about me and do things the way I want. That being said, too many men don't learn women at all, and like to be imaginary porn stars.
 
Btw, thank you all for your feedback. My plan generally goes something like this: I'm gonna let it all happen. She can have her one-night stand with whomever she picks. Then I'm gonna try and find a guy to finally "taste man flesh" (LOTR reference 🙂). Than I'll see, if that is too much for me to handle, we will change the arrangement from open relationship and playing separately to just swinging with couples and having threesomes with bi individuals. She will go along with whatever I say is acceptable to me, even with like monogamy, because we both care about ourselves and the benefit of our family first and foremost.

And I should really drink less wine, and try hitting the pool more often for a few rough butterfly main sets.
 
Magdlyn said:
We could debate this all day. ;) But honestly, there is no reason a man should know anything about the penis size of the guys his wife/partner is dating or looking to date. That's just TMI. She should not be telling her established partner how big other men's dicks are, much less showing him pictures, if that's what is happening here!

Adding to that, his wife is bi. Other women can have bigger dicks than many men, which stay hard and can go for hours, ya know. (I'm talking about toys, if you don't understand. ;) )
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Actually, she was very considerate of what information she was going to share. It was me who asked, and I'd say this was a mistake, because it just keeps triggering my anxiety all over again. I ask her "How's it going?" and she is like, "Fucking great-- I found this awesome dude," and I just can't help myself but ask her to be more specific, after which it hits me, the amount of cortisol starts building up, I can't eat, I can hardly get a boner, and I can't even do half of my usual swimming sessions.
 
Evie said:
(Copied from Kevin, thanks Kevin.)

Here are some tools for dealing with jealousy:
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This "First aid" article really is of some aid. Thanks a lot!

EDIT: It is helpful, but so is red wine, still. 🙂
 
Hello newbiensguy,

I totally identify with you about the red wine thing ... :) ... my personal favorite is tawny port ... alas I don't get to partake of it very often. As far as jealousy is concerned, I think a lot of it is that she is "getting some," and you're not getting any. That and you are afraid that she will like some other guy better, and cast you aside. The jealousy tools will help, but a lot of it is just experience and time. Keep us posted, you will get there.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello newbiensguy,

I totally identify with you about the red wine thing ... :) ... my personal favorite is tawny port ... alas I don't get to partake of it very often. As far as jealousy is concerned, I think a lot of it is that she is "getting some," and you're not getting any. That and you are afraid that she will like some other guy better, and cast you aside. The jealousy tools will help, but a lot of it is just experience and time. Keep us posted, you will get there.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Well, as I mentioned, currently no one is getting anything. She just gets more matches. As for me, well, I have uninstalled the dating apps and stopped trying, at the moment. It's not so much the fact that I can't get sex. I mean, with guys and Grindr it's way easier than with women. It's just the way it is. Plus my primary goal is to have my first gay experience.

No, the reason I've currently stopped is because I realised that I have to work on myself first before I try hooking up with others. I have to try to get used to the fact that my wife is gonna have sex with some other guy, and that I should find the way to handle the fear, stress and anxiety and put myself together again, meaning, fix my current state of mind, find a way to reduce the stress and cortisol build-up in my body, and therefore start eating normally, training normally, and having sex with my wife normally.

If I tried dating/hooking up with others like right now, I would make things even worse for myself. Plus, women have this fantastic ability to somehow smell despair, and they run away from desperate ones.

Thanks for your response! I'm still drunk! 🍷🍷
 
That makes sense.

My mistake, I thought your wife was getting some. What seems to scare you is the idea of her getting some in the future. And you do not want to enter this scared, you want to work out your own issues before you try this ENM/open business. That's a smart move on your part. Hence, neither of you are "getting any" at the moment.

The truth is, nothing in any relationship is completely safe. Things could always go sideways. So your objective need not be to eliminate the danger; rather, you need to find more courage. And I think you will, given time.
 
newbiensguy said:
Well as I've mentioned, currently no one is getting anything, she just gets more matches and as for me
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You say neither of you are getting anything, and as far as sex goes, that's true. But I wonder if what your wife is getting more of is external validation. All these guys matching with her, more than you are getting women matching with you, is making you feel like there's a big disparity.

What you need to remember is that these dating apps are 90% male, so it's just a supply and demand thing. The "supply"* of women is tiny compared to the demand from men. Whereas, it's the other way around for men: huge "supply" and tiny demand (or maybe small to medium demand, if you are looking for other men, or men and women).

Don't let that get into your head as a reflection on your desirability compared with hers. It's just the way the numbers work

*For the avoidance of doubt I'm not suggesting the women (or men) are commodities that can be supplied, I'm making an analogy to the world of economics. The maths on a dating site works the exact same way.
 
A little update about the situation. First of all, I am sober now, zero hangover. I'm gonna try to make myself hit the pool or a weight room this afternoon, after my shift is done!

Second, she found a guy who matches all of her criteria, and she is 99% sure he's the guy she is gonna do the one-night stand with. He is pretty much like me, long haired, bearded, my height, just less muscular, dick slightly bigger than mine, and from my wife's story, he looks like a cool person.

Wife says that the guy even said that he likes me (not sexually). My response was something like "That's cool, and thank him for the compliments. I don't like him at all. I feel that the happiest thing for me to do would be to beat the shit out of him. Of course, I am not a savage barbarian and I would never do such a thing. That is just something that the affective sphere of my personality is telling me to do, like an intrusive, synthetic thought that I will never act upon."

So, all-in-all, Wifey and I had a talk, and I feel a little better today, although it is still hard. But I am trying, I really am. Feels good knowing that I still have a "button" to switch the whole thing off, and that I am the one who is still completely in charge of the whole situation. The reason why I don't hit the button is just the fact that I love my wife, and I want to make her happy, and I can clearly see that she is really into banging him. She told me something like, "I'm gonna tear him apart when I grab him," which gave me a strange mix of jealousy and compersion (if that's the correct word).
 
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Fogul said:
You say neither of you are getting anything, and as far as sex goes that's true, but I wonder if what your wife is getting more of is external validation. All these guys matching with her, more than you are getting women matching with you, is making you feel like there's a big disparity.

What you need to remember is that these dating apps are 90% male, so it's just a supply and demand thing. The "supply"* of women is tiny compared to the demand from men. Whereas, it's the other way around for men: huge "supply" and tiny demand (or maybe small-to-medium demand, if you are looking for other men, or men and women).

Don't let that get into your head as a reflection on your desirability compared with hers. It's just the way the numbers work

*For the avoidance of doubt I'm not suggesting the women (or men) are commodities that can be supplied, I'm making an analogy to the world of economics. The maths on a dating site works the exact same way.
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I kinda see the female perspective of a dating app because, a long long time ago, I was (unsuccessfully) trying to meet a nice guy using Grindr, and yes, it's full of freaks (mental freaks). So, women, as well as bi guys, really have to be selective and methodical in order to find a suitable match among men.
 
newbiensguy said:
better endowed than me
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Comparison is the thief of happiness. For cock size, doubly so.

I wanted to try to address this in a way that's constructive to your situation, by way of reframing comparisons.

Sure, it's a big confidence boost to men to be objectified like that over other men, but that's called "downward comparison," and is done at the expense of others. In this case, it's unearned. You're born with the bone you got. You sound like you have a perfectly average cock and are objectively larger than a lot of guys already. Take pride in that. But if you are obsessed with wishing you were an outlier on the higher end, instead of "stuck" in the middle with all those other cocks, that worry is going to sap your confidence. You can't change your penis size, so put down the tape measure and close the browser tabs full of lies about enlargement. Women can smell penis envy on a guy from a mile away and it's a pretty universal turn-off.

My advice-- own and master yourself. Meditate on your thoughts, feel the insecurity, take a deep breath, and then let the thought pass like a floating cloud. Keep breathing from there with a clear mind, and your body will learn to let the insecurities and the anxiety go. This is great for all manner of jealous thoughts, but it takes practice. It took me almost 8 months to master this in my situation.

You are perfect the way you are. Develop your confidence. You sound like you have a nice Hephaestus-vibe going on, despite your insecurities. Lean into that.

Consider that your partner is keeping you, around despite the cocks she has to pick from. You clearly give her something she doesn't get elsewhere. Maybe that's sensitivity, loyalty, and security. So what if you don't have a monster dong? This is just another side of the "can't be everything to everyone." Neither can the hung guys. In the non-mono world, if you're in her life, you're here because she WANTS you here. Take comfort in that.

Consider that the size queens simply aren't all they're cracked up to be. Even a 7.5-8 incher is going to feel inadequate when a queen's eyes start looking for bigger. And if you're honest about what you are with a hookup, and she blocks you on 4th down and inches, SHE doesn't deserve what YOU have to offer. So, bone up on your self-respect and be prepared to let those kind of women go, perhaps with more poise and grace than they afforded you. Be the "bigger man," ironically, if necessary.

It's not all great for the owners of big cocks, either. Sure, they get more attention... and sky-high expectations. If men think a bigger cock will solve all their problems, what about the women who think a guy with a bigger cock will solve all their problems, too? How many women might be looking for an average cock for their next partner, after a bad experience with the self-absorbed owner of a leviathan? (This is a poly forum after all, and there's more to a good relationship than sex.)

If you're looking for more female attention, level up your oral game. There's a well-known "orgasm gap" between the sexes, and women aren't getting enough. Most women do not come from PIV intercourse. Across my five partners, I've only seen it in two. That jives with most statistics on the matter, even trending toward me being a little lucky to have seen it more frequently. (Oh, and in terms of "luck", I'm packing about as much as you are.) Focusing on your oral technique can add "inches" to your "total package." I recommend Ian Kerner's "She Comes First". He wrote that after feeling crippling shame at his premature ejaculation and ended up penning what's one of the best treatises on the subject.

Furthermore, cultivate your gratitude. Be grateful for the good things in your life, instead of thinking about the things you don't have. Think about what fills your heart, hold that thought in mind... and then SMILE at the thought and fill your heart with the warm light of gratitude. That can be the basis of your self-confidence, which will turn around into attractive outward confidence.

And finally... if you want to have a bigger cock, have someone else's bigger cock. I'm serious. You seem like you're already leaning in that direction, though you have trouble finding a good match. When you do find a nice big cock attached to a partner, appreciate it, be happy its owner has something special (compersion, anyone?), and appreciate its owner is sharing it with you. I remember seeing a guy with a real monster at the club last time we went. I mean, geez... the poor woman he was with looked uncomfortable.

I remember feeling a little flustered, myself, thinking it would be nice to play with. I was just happy to know he had that extra blessing. (I also suspect he was a professional the club owners called in to add some extra action to the open bed area. See, even this has the potential for perception distortion.)
 
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