Mod Posted on Behalf: Husband wants to see other women

Evie

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
User writes:

Hi all. I’m new here. My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married for 6) now and we have 3 kids together. Soon after we got married he was diagnosed with hypogonadism for which he has to be on lifelong testosterone therapy. This has made him hypersexual to a point that he feels he needs a sexual partner outside of our marriage. There has never been talks about poly in our marriage and I do believe he brought this up because of the changes he has after starting the medication. I am very much monogamous and the thought of him having sexual relations with other women doesn’t sit well with me. I have no intentions of having any relationship of any kind outside of our marriage. Besides this issue we have quite a healthy marriage and I love him dearly, I know he loves me too.

I initially refused to entertain his suggestion of getting someone else, but he keeps bringing it up again and again. He is very gentle when we have discussions about this and I know that he doesn’t mean to cause me any pain. I ended up pondering upon it, doing some reading, and with much reassurance from him that there’ll be open communication and that our marriage wouldn’t suffer, I agreed for him to get someone else.

Ever since I made the decision, I cry almost every day. I have intrusive thoughts of what he might be doing. What if he loves the new person and leaves me? I am very uncomfortable with thus. It causes debilitating anxiety for me, so I told him I cannot be part of it. But I know that it’s quite difficult for him, since he can’t stop being on this medication. So I suggested that we get a divorce. This option isn’t really a ‘get out of jail free’ card from me, because I really love him and we’ve built a great life together. I also feel so bad considering that there are kids involved, and this will surely scar them, because they’ve only know us to be a happy and loving family. I also feel like I’m being selfish for wanting to leave him for something he doesn’t have control over.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here. Maybe I just need an ear and compassion from those who’ve been through similar, and to see how they were able to navigate through it. Any kind of advice would be appreciated. If I wanted to stay in the marriage. Any advice on how I can change the way I look at this poly thing? I think my reason for monogamy is largely based on not wanting to experience feelings of jealousy and I also know I have my own insecurities. However, there is no religious/cultural reason for my decision to be mono.
 
Mismatched libidos are extremely common in monogamous marriages. Always have been, always will be. I would say it's one of the most common problems in marriages, worldwide and for millennia.

People have dealt with it in different ways. In polyamory, this issue can be a non-issue, because we don't feel that we own our partners or have sole claim on their sexuality! For me, it's pretty much my top reason I appreciate being poly. Other reasons run a close second, but this one is extremely important to me.

You might hear from people on both sides of the issue, those with strong libidos or those with little no sex drive. We can debate all day what a normal or average sex drive is. Some studies show that the average amount of sex for couples is three times a week. But of course, it's normal to want to have sex more than once a day, or to only want it once a month, or once a season. And asexuality is becoming more discussed too, in queer/alternative sexuality communities.

This awareness doesn't make it any easier when you first begin to acknowledge the problem in your own relationship/marriage, but just know that you're not alone.

The irony here is that your husband had low T (and/or other male hormones) and now it's gone the other way because of his medication, causing a strong libido. Am I to assume you were fine with his lower sex drive, but he wasn't, and now you're upset with his higher sex drive, with which you can't keep up?

I highly suggest you read some of the books and articles and listen to the podcast in our resources thread at the top of this forum.


Start with Opening Up and Polysecure.

Edit: I messed up the format. The rest of my post is not meant to be in bold.

I've been on both sides of this issue. When I was fertile my drive would swing wildly during my cycle. I'd be super horny when ovulating but of course, terrified about getting pregnant. When I went on hormonal birth control, my libido really dwindled. I was married, but rarely that excited about having intercourse. When I had 3 little kids, I was tired and touched out most of the time. But when the youngest started sleeping through the night (at age 5!), when I was 40, my libido came charging back, much to my surprise and my husband's delight. I was thrilled when I completed menopause and didn't have to worry about getting pregnant and could have all the sex I wanted.

My husband and I split in 2008. We were having lots of sex (daily), but not getting along in too many other ways.

I began practicing polyamory. I'd always been poly at heart, but put my kids' needs first. At that point they were grown and leaving the nest.

When I met my gf, at first, her sex drive matched mine, but her NRE faded fast and she started taking medications too, which further suppressed her libido. I was glad we were poly so I could date others (usually men) who could satisfy me. I am still with my gf! We are extremely bonded. We cuddle, we go on lovely dates, we enjoy being domestic together, we give each other GREAT emotional support, we have many matching hobbies, etc. She's just not very sexual.

It's important, as you'll see when you begin to read the resources and listen to the podcast, that you keep dating your husband even after he starts seeing others for sex and companionship. It's also important, on his side, that he control his NRE so that you don't feel neglected or second class. The poly hell article covers that thoroughly.

Good luck!
 
My libido was on the lower end before he started his meds also. I also had undiagnosed hormonal issues so his low libido didn’t bother me. Now I don’t necessarily have low libido, but it’s obviously lower than his. We have sex almost daily. I do think there’s also a need to explore more than just a need for more sex. Thank you so much for your input and for the recommendation!
 
I'm sorry this is happening like this. Are you seeing a counselor for yourself? Some of how you frame things doesn't seem helpful to me.

There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting monogamy. If he no longer wants that, you two are not compatible.

Besides this issue, we have quite a healthy marriage and I love him dearly. I know he loves me too.
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This is encouraging. You could change to a healthy, divorced, coparenting family and be okay, just no longer romantic partners. You could be free to seek someone new who wants to share monogamy, and be free from poly stuff that you do not want. Husband can be free to seek partners who do want to share polyamory.

Ever since I made the decision, I cry almost every day. I have intrusive thoughts of what he might be doing. What if he loves the new person and leaves me? I am very uncomfortable with this. It causes debilitating anxiety for me, so I told him I cannot be part of it.
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Yes. You cannot be taking turns being miserable-- him being miserable in monogamy or you being miserable in a poly V, or something.

Parting ways allows changes so BOTH can be happy and okay.

So I suggested that we get a divorce.
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That is a reasonable solution.

I also feel so bad considering that there are kids involved, and this will surely scar them, because they’ve only know us to be a happy and loving family.
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I think kids could be provided family therapy to help them adjust in the transition, and they would be okay enough. Kids aren't really part of the marriage. They are part of the family, but not part of the marriage. And if you change to a divorced coparenting family, they will still have their two parents. The family isn't ending, just changing shapes.

Family comes in all ways -- bio kids, adopted kids, same-sex parents, married parents, unmarried parents, blended stepfamilies, and so on. A divorced coparenting family is just another family model. It's not "broken" or "lesser" than the other family models.

One day, the kids might grow up and face divorce too. You could model what healthy coparenting in a divorced family looks like.

I also feel like I’m being selfish for wanting to leave him for something he doesn’t have control over.
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You aren't being selfish. No, he doesn't have control over his health thing. But if he wants poly now, you don't have sign up for things you do not want. Taking care of your own well-being is NOT being selfish. These aren't the marriage vows you signed up for. It's okay for things to end.

Any advice on how I can change the way I look at this poly thing? I think my reason for monogamy is largely based on not wanting to experience feelings of jealousy. I also know I have my own insecurities. However, there is no religious/cultural reason for my decision to be mono.
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I suppose you could talk to a poly counselor, but if you just don't like it, you don't. You don't have to.

I suspect you are in anticipatory grief and in the bargaining stage, like, you see divorce is probably the answer, but you don't love that, and are trying to find ways to change yourself to make it work out ANYWAY. I don't think you have to bend into pretzels so hard.

If it helps you any to find a counselor experienced in nonmonogamy issues...

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

You could do a trial separation for a year, where he does his thing and you do yours, and talk to a couple's counselor to see if you can reconcile, or if it is best to part.

Galagirl
 
GoldenG said:
My libido was on the lower end before he started his meds also. I also had undiagnosed hormonal issues, so his low libido didn’t bother me. Now I don’t necessarily have low libido, but it’s obviously lower than his. We have sex almost daily.
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So, just like with me and my gf, physical health and medications changed your libidos. Maybe you both had low libidos and now you both have higher ones, but his is higher than yours? Are you unhappy with having sex nearly every day? Do you need more of a break? Or does he feel he needs sex more than once a day and isn't happy to just masturbate, for example?
GoldenG said:
I do think there’s also a need to explore more than just a need for more sex.
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Oh, so it's not just sex, but he wants more variety in dating partners in general? Is that your real fear, not the sex as much as him becoming emotionally close to another woman/women and somehow becoming uninterested in you and leaving you for these other women?

Wouldn't that be silly? He loves you, and he's getting sex from you nearly every day (assuming it's consensually enjoyed...). If he left you, he'd be on the dating market. Dating actually sucks. It's very hard to find a good partner. They don't come along every day. What if he leaves you, and can only find gfs who can only see him once a week? Even if he has 2 gfs, he might only get sex twice a week. He's not going to be living with anyone right off the bat with access to their bodies almost every day... Even if he does find someone very compatible almost right away, and she does want to see him almost every day, sometimes sex is very good at first (because of NRE) but dwindles after a few months to a year. Then he'd still be worse off, and still have to spend lots of time hunting for that magical unicorn who is willing to have sex every single day, or more than once a day. Women's hormones being what they are, he's unlikely to find this.

(I enjoy sex every day, but I am a bit of an anamoly for a woman of my age. That's partly why I ID as non-binary. But even though I enjoy lots of sex, sometimes my hip joints wear out. You've heard of the saying, "I'm gonna fuck you so hard you won't be able to walk the next day"? Yeah, it's a thing lol)

I don't think staying married and having sex with him nearly every day, and then him spending hundreds of dollars a week for sex with pros is that practical, unless he's quite wealthy. I don't think most men can afford to hire a sex worker every day or even a few days a week, do you? Have you even discussed the actual practicalities of all this?

I think he'd be much better off enjoying the wife he loves, and learning to enjoy masturbation as well.

Has he talked about this with his endocrinologist? Can the meds be adjusted?
GoldenG said:
Thank you so much for your input and for the recommendation!
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You're very welcome.
 
We do have sex almost every day, but when I actually think about it, sometimes I comply because I know his situation, so I wouldn’t say I enjoy it or even engage as much as he does every time. Unfortunately, he’s on the lowest dose of his meds now and there’s no alternative. Thank you for the insight. This is really helping me wrap my head around this and I think I’ll be able to have a much more meaningful discussion with him regarding this.
 
I wish some men with ordinary high sex drives (those not needing medications containing testosterone) would post in. I think it's pretty darn common for men to be extremely horny, and not be able to have partnered sex every time they want it. They learn to cope, you know?

As another wise member here would say, you're not a sex toaster. You're not a machine that makes toast every time hubs is hungry. You're a human being who deserves respect. If you're not in the mood, it's okay to say no. Adults can learn self-control. They can learn to delay gratification.

Now, if he feels he is polyamorous (as in, has the ability to love and care for more than one person, with the consent of all parties involved), that's another kettle of fish. Besides having a high libido, I appreciate the variety of having two partners, not just for their bodies' sake, but for their entire personalities, to nurture them, to honor and respect them, to forgive their faults and just enjoy their company in general. That can involve patience, that can involve caring for them when they are sick and injured, or taking a place in line when they have a family member or close friend who needs their attention.

I wish you well.
 
Has he talked to his doctor about these side effects? There might be another med he can take to counter this, or maybe his meds need to be adjusted.

My ex (and co parent to our child) has mental illness. When his meds need adjusted he sees his doctor and they are "tweaked." This has in the past included hyper and hypo sexual behaviors.
 
Hello GoldenG,

It sounds like you and your husband are perfect for each other in every way except for one little thing, where the little thing is actually not quite so little. Is it possible for your husband to take some kind of additional medication that would put a damper on his sex drive?

There may be a cultural reason for your aversion to open/poly, as most of us are deeply programmed by the monogamous society in which we live. So deeply that we're usually not aware of it, it more seems to be a genetic part of who we are. Although for some people this may be genetic, I believe that for most of us it is ingrained. Possibly for some it is both genetic and ingrained.

There are ways to manage jealousy, here is a list:
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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