We had a pretty good weekend. Spitfire and I rented a beach house and took the girls and the dog. We got to spend a lot of quality time together there.
The first night we stayed up late and talked about a lot of things. We started a firm plan for disentanglement. Set some dates in the calendar and told each other how we felt about each other. She showed me pictures of the other guys she was talking to and that instantly helped my ego. There mostly meh. One guy, though, is a bit older but even I thought he was attractive. Still, it helped.
I was feeling pretty happy. Having spent so much time reflecting and talking it out on this forum and researching strategies really made me feel like I was in a good place with this. I'm proud of the work I've put into myself and feel like I've accomplished something.
I checked the thread once the next day. I saw fuchka's comment and realized I needed to talk to Spitfire about that. Her comment echoed some of my own thoughts these last weeks that I've been unwilling to make Spitfire endure but, I figured it's time we called a spade a spade. Just like the "you're enough" conversation.
Trying to soften a blow by using factually incorrect syntax doesn't help anything. It's like trying to get a soft dick into an asshole. If you ever manage to get that thing up there more than likely everyone's going to be miserable. Better to push it in hard. It might hurt for a bit but in the end you just might find you're both enjoying yourselves. If I was, in fact, "enough" then you would not require more. She agreed that particular expression was keeping me from healing and agreed to call it what it is.
Back to our conversation last night, I presented my feelings to her and she agreed. I wasn't accusatory. I wasn't angry. I just wanted to call it like it is. In case you haven't noticed, syntax is very important to me. She reminded me that I okayed this. I agreed. We talked some more and everything was going fine. Then things went a little sideways and the floor kind of fell from under me.
She told me it was weird that I wanted to meet the men before she had sex with them. My heart dropped to my diaphragm. I just wanted to try and feel comfortable about who she was with. She brought up an excellent point that if the moment arrived and she had to stop it to say that they had to meet her husband first it would be incredibly awkward and potentially damaging to the relationship. I can see her point even though I don't like it. Then she brought up the possibility of casual sex. My heart fucking dropped out of my chest.
To clarify, Spitfire is not ready for a sexual relationship just yet and she is willing to have patience while I get my head around it. We found ourselves in a conversation we were not ready for.
It feels like she gets to do whatever she wants while I'm left holding the bag full of consequences because I'm her "safe place". She calls me that a lot. She says it's because I'm the only man she knows who always tells the truth despite the consequences. I take care of her and our children. I protect her and listen to her and make her feel better and treat her with respect.
It makes me feel so fucking used and cheap. That is one of the feelings I just don't have the heart to tell her about. It has to come out sometime. She's right. I always tell the truth despite the consequences. I just need time to understand that feeling better before we discuss it.
Anyway, we realized the conversation was too much for us at the moment and tabled it. I was already crushed. We talked about other aspects. I asked her for the whole story on how she realized she was poly.
So she kept on a bit of weight after our youngest was born. After about 2 years the weight finally came off and she lost 80 lbs. She got a job and men started hitting on her. She liked the attention and realized she was attracted to some of them. She had never considered other men before.
Now I have found other men/women attractive in the past. I have never considered pursuing them. I just appreciate that they have that going on for themselves and promise myself I'll get back into the shape I was in 6 years ago. That is a logic leap that I am not able to make at this time and that Spitfire was able to made me feel incredibly insecure about myself.
So now I'm working on trying to understand from the poly perspective. It's hard to put myself in those shoes but I know that I can do it given enough time. I tried last night. I imagined myself starting a relationship with a man (cause lets face it, I've been suppressing a whole side of my sexuality for 7 years) and I focused on my feelings. Like how I would really feel. I could only see myself feeling hyper-focused that new relationship and felt it taking precedence over my feelings for my wife. Certainly not negating her but a significant portion of my thoughts would sit with him. I could never want to feel like that towards her. I keep seeing people say that more love does not take away from existing love. I can't see how it doesn't.
I'm having a hard time understanding this whole thing right now and writing this out is causing me quite a bit of pain. I'm just going to cut this short and move onto replying.
Magdlyn:
But if your marriage is solid, and Spitfire really is poly, she can love you, and like, be fond of, become infatuated with, or even love another guy, and not stop loving you, and not want to leave you and the girls.
I'm not afraid of her ever wanting to leave me and the girls. You have to understand that the girls are the most important things in her world. She is an excellent and loving mother. As for me, we have 14 years of history and she will likely never find another man like me. Not to toot my own horn but I've never met another man that thinks the way I do. I'm not ruling out the possibility they exist but we are certainly few and far between.
Would you kneel down and let her new bf use you as a coffee table?
You're correct. I would not do that. Any man who seriously asked me to do that would earn himself a fat lip. I am not a violent person by any means but I do stand up for myself and do not appreciate disrespect on that level. Of course I have a line. I can't honestly tell you where it is right now.
Thank you for turning me on to Al99. I was reading his threads after our talk last night and was discussing them with Spitfire. It got us to an okay place where I could actually fall asleep. I'll have to thank him for that someday. We see several things differently (mostly where it comes to compersion and the desire to have sex with someone who recently had sex with someone else) but his threads have been helpful to me. Friday night was the first time I've slept 7 hours in weeks. For the past couple weeks I've been averaging between 3-4 hours a night. Last night suffered but finding an okay place to bookmark the day got me at least 6 hours.
Kevin/Virgil:
Thanks. I'm trying not to forget my happiness but it seems like I will have to make a whole lot of compromise right now. I'm kind of down at the moment but I'm hanging onto hope that I'll get myself feeling good again like I was on Friday.
fuchka:
Thanks for your comment. It had always been kind of an unspoken thing just floating out there that we both knew and didn't verbalize. You reminded me that it was time we called it what it is.
I have a lot to unpack. Both literally and figuratively. Once again I'm glad I have this place to word vomit my feelings. Thank you everybody.