Mono/Poly marriage

H

hlh249

New member
We are looking for some support groups or advice.

My wife (f41) and I (f43) have been in a relationship for 16 years. We have always been monogamous. These past few months my wife has started to express feelings towards poly structures. She has met another woman whom she is deeply connected to. This relationship is not physical.

My wife maintains, and I believe her, that I am the love of her life.

I should also add that we have agreed this will not be physical. My wife has stated that this is not what she wants.

I want to support her and grow to understand this part of her, but am often conflicted. We don't seem to fit the mono box or the poly one. Does anybody have any advice or support we could access?
 
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This is actually really common, where only one person in a previously mono relationship dates others. It's all about what you agree to.

The ethics get tricky if it's not an agreement but a mandate, i.e. if your wife forbids you from also dating others. Mono/poly tends to be a bit easier to deal with if there is at least the understanding that both parties *could* date others with a view to developing a relationship, but perhaps one chooses not to because they have other preferred things to fill their own time.

We have a lot of good links here: Thread 'Most commonly cited articles and books master thread' https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-articles-and-books-master-thread.155304/

Overall, even though she's got someone she's interested in, don't rush. If that person is a good person, they will wait until you guys do the work. Give yourself a time limit so they aren't left waiting forever, because I'm sure you're good people too and don't want to play with someone else's affections.

This new person would be your metamour, someone you aren't dating yourself but who you could hopefully coexist with in suitable social spaces. Even that's not essential and some people do "parallel poly" where metas never interact (except in case of emergency). Or there is "garden party poly" where you may just have the occasional get together at a social gathering. Or "kitchen table poly" where you'd be happy sharing meals and other platonic activities with your metamour.

In short, don't be concerned that you're doing poly "wrong" or strangely, it's actually one of the most successful configurations where there is a V shaped relationship (your shared partner is a hinge of the V and you and your meta are the legs of the V). It is generally on the hinge to learn how to manage two relationships, but also on the legs to manage their envy or jealousy.

Communication, communication, communication. That doesn't mean you and your meta necessarily, but definitely the hinge needs to be an excellent communicator in both relationships.

Have a scroll through the link and keep asking questions, specific ones will get better responses that are more tailored to you.
 
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We are finding it tough, as neither my wife or the NR want it to become physical, and it’s one of the boundaries we agreed to. When I posted on other forums, we got a lot of hate for that.

It’s confusing, as I was under the impression poly wasn’t just about sex, it’s about deep emotional connection, and the need for something physical isn't always attached to that.
 
Sorry you got hate for that. Your wife and her interest (your possible future metamour) could build a queer platonic relationship and you guys could certainly consider yourselves polyamorous in that V configuration.
 
Thank you so much for some calm and informed advice

We are desperately trying to work through it and I am struggling as I am conflicted often by what I have read.

I will look into the resources and hopefully others will contact us on this I thread in similar situations

The love they share for one another falls outside of friendship but we don’t seek to be able to find a word that fits etc.

I want to support her and see her so she can live her full life with all the love we both have
 
Try googling "queer platonic partnerships" and you may find what you're looking for.
 
Yes I have done that

It’s now up to me to manage my feelings under this new structure and give my wife the time and space she needs without my insecurities.

I have inadvertently caused so much pain and I really need to stop trying to make sense of it.

It’s so tough to adjust but I am determined to do this
 
@kdt26417 could you please pop that wonderful list of jealousy links you have here, I'm on my phone and having difficulty. Thank you :)
 
hlh249 said:
We are finding it tough as neither my wife or the NR want it to become physical and it’s one of the boundaries we agreed to when I posted on other forums we got a lot of hate for that.

It’s confusing as I was under the impression poly wasn’t just about sex it’s about deep emotional connection and not always the need for physical attached to that
Click to expand...
Yeah, some forums are weird. Don't know why they gave you hate, but it should be completely fine to have just romantic and emotional connection, if that is what everyone needs. Communication must be clear though to make sure it really is what everyone wants. I myself like the idea of platonic connections. There is something special about them.
 
Thank you. I understand, by agreeing to an ethical non-monogamous relationship, I cannot take physical intimacy off the table, and any relationship agreements can be reviewed regularly.
 
hlh249 said:
Thank you. I understand, by agreeing to an ethical non-monogamous relationship, I cannot take physical intimacy off the table,
Click to expand...
You can make requests, and your wife can consider them and see if it feels right to her to agree.

Right now she's adamant that she doesn't want physical intimacy with her friend. Women can be drawn to each other emotionally, and not actually crave the sex part much, or at all. Heck, there's even a stereotype of "lesbian bed death," where a female couple at first has lots of sex, but before you know it, they are still deeply in love, but the sex part fades away, which does not prevent long-term, greatly supportive and enjoyable partnerships or marriages.

Maybe there's lots of cuddling on the couch, and some kissing, massages, hair touches, holding hands, and so on, but not much else.

Unfortunately, my female partner has a much lower sex drive than I do, and seems to be fine with actual sex maybe once a month. As a non-binary type of person, I have a very high sex drive (that's just me and how I feel), so I always want a lusty bf. In your wife's case, maybe you fill the bill for her sexually, but she's got a need for feminine love. I can relate completely.
hlh249 said:
and any relationship agreements can be reviewed regularly.
Click to expand...
Yes. Communicate honestly, look deep inside and discover what your needs and desires are, and compromise as you can, for where you both are at at, any given time. Some people even have set times, once a month or whatever, where they go over what is happening in their heads, lives and relationships, and adjust things as necessary. That's a very healthy practice.
 
Hello hlh249,
Here's that jealousy list.
It sounds like you are kind of in limbo between mono and poly, like your wife wants poly, but you are having difficulties wrapping your mind around it. I hope the posts in this thread so far help.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks everyone for your support.

My wife and I are going to explore this together gradually and with care until we both feel secure and do not reactivity emotion
 
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Reactions: nks
Evie said:
This is actually really common, where only one person in a previously mono relationship dates others. It's all about what you agree to.

The ethics get tricky if it's not an agreement but a mandate, i.e. if your wife forbids you from also dating others. Mono/poly tends to be a bit easier to deal with if there is at least the understanding that both parties *could* date others with a view to developing a relationship, but perhaps one chooses not to because they have other preferred things to fill their own time.

We have a lot of good links here: Thread 'Most commonly cited articles and books master thread' https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-articles-and-books-master-thread.155304/

Overall, even though she's got someone she's interested in, don't rush. If that person is a good person, they will wait until you guys do the work. Give yourself a time limit so they aren't left waiting forever, because I'm sure you're good people too and don't want to play with someone else's affections.

This new person would be your metamour, someone you aren't dating yourself but who you could hopefully coexist with in suitable social spaces. Even that's not essential and some people do "parallel poly" where metas never interact (except in case of emergency). Or there is "garden party poly" where you may just have the occasional get together at a social gathering. Or "kitchen table poly" where you'd be happy sharing meals and other platonic activities with your metamour.

In short, don't be concerned that you're doing poly "wrong" or strangely, it's actually one of the most successful configurations where there is a V shaped relationship (your shared partner is a hinge of the V and you and your meta are the legs of the V). It is generally on the hinge to learn how to manage two relationships, but also on the legs to manage their envy or jealousy.

Communication, communication, communication. That doesn't mean you and your meta necessarily, but definitely the hinge needs to be an excellent communicator in both relationships.

Have a scroll through the link and keep asking questions, specific ones will get better responses that are more tailored to you.
Click to expand...

Magdlyn said:
You can make requests, and your wife can consider them and see if it feels right to her to agree.

Right now she's adamant that she doesn't want physical intimacy with her friend. Women can be drawn to each other emotionally, and not actually crave the sex part much, or at all. Heck, there's even a stereotype of "lesbian bed death," where a female couple at first has lots of sex, but before you know it, they are still deeply in love, but the sex part fades away, which does not prevent long-term, greatly supportive and enjoyable partnerships or marriages.

Maybe there's lots of cuddling on the couch, and some kissing, massages, hair touches, holding hands, and so on, but not much else.

Unfortunately, my female partner has a much lower sex drive than I do, and seems to be fine with actual sex maybe once a month. As a non-binary type of person, I have a very high sex drive (that's just me and how I feel), so I always want a lusty bf. In your wife's case, maybe you fill the bill for her sexually, but she's got a need for feminine love. I can relate completely.

Yes. Communicate honestly, look deep inside and discover what your needs and desires are, and compromise as you can, for where you both are at at, any given time. Some people even have set times, once a month or whatever, where they go over what is happening in their heads, lives and relationships, and adjust things as necessary. That's a very healthy practice.
Click to expand...

I have a specific question. I have always really valued waking up with my wife every morning it’s one of the things I love most.

I really struggle with the concept of overnight. I feel more comfortable with my wife coming home and us still falling asleep together and waking up together?

Is this an unrealistic ask? Or again can we set our own boundaries ?

I have so many questions I am driving myself crazy as I want to be ok now
 
Can you take turns? Sometimes you wake up with your wife, and sometimes the other woman does? or is that too much of a sacrifice?
 
For me too much, and the other F is in previously long term mono relationships too, so this is new for all parties

My wife isn’t asking for this, but I feel strongly like this is something I would want to retain. We have so much to learn and navigate and are doing things slowly. I guess I just want to be ok already.
 
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Personally, I wouldn't date someone who had to go home every night. It would be a dealbreaker. And your wife may find that it becomes a dealbreaker for whomever she's seeing. Which could cause some tension between you and your wife if she does ever feel like she'd like to fall asleep and wake up with someone else.

Would you also want her to not go away on vacations with her other partner? i.e. is it the idea of her regularly being away overnight, like once or twice a week, that's an issue, or is it at all, ever? Would that also apply if she was going away for a vacation with friends, or is it just with another romantic partner that is a problem?

Also: https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
and
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/z9p7yp/taking_the_idea_of_the_most_skipped_steps_farther
for a commentary.
 
Honestly, I really struggle with the concept. Initially, when we first discussed this, my wife agreed. Now she is unsure. Holidays would be a no currently, as would weekends away, but I guess over time as we learn this new way of life, perhaps I could move to an overnight every now and then.

The female she is in love with also has a long-term partner and two children, so overnights are not straightforward, and all parties feel strongly that it won’t happen in our family homes.

Also, she has gone from, "I don’t want sex," to "I want it as an option even if I don’t take it." She is moving the posts rapidly, telling me to plan for, in her words, “the worst-case scenario.”

It’s making my head spin. I am managing with the fact she has fallen for someone else, just about, and want to stay with her, as she is adamant she loves me and wants me to be part of her life, but this is the new her, and I need to work with it, or walk away.

I do not want to walk away. She brings me so much joy alongside of our four children. I want to get there. I am desperate. I just don’t know where to start.
 
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