Mono/Poly marriage

Those rapidly moving posts are probably because she's only just beginning to realise what she's wanting in the long term and being honest with herself about it. This seems like a whirlwind now because it is, the old normal is ending and the new normal isn't here yet.

That she's interested in someone who already has their own home life and children is a huge plus because neither party is in this to blow their current life to smithereens, despite dropping the "poly bomb" as we sometimes call it.

Opening up a formerly monogamous relationship can be done successfully if there is respect all around, and courtesy. There can be a new normal and day to day life feels pretty mundane again.

As for starting, I suggest truly examining your fears. Have you been exploring those jealousy links above? I personally like the Teal Swan one and the Unmasking the Green Eyed Monster one.
 
Thank you. We are reading so much. I just don’t want to rush, but want to be respectful too. We have agreed three months of reading and learning, and then couples therapy if we still cannot reach a good place together to help us.
 
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hlh249 said:
Thank you. We are reading so much. I just don’t want to rush, but want to be respectful too. We have agreed three months of reading and learning, and then couples therapy if we still cannot reach a good place together to help us.
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I am glad you are both reading and communicating a lot around this. It is a huge change, and I am sure you feel shocked and devastated. And your wife keeps moving the goalposts as she learns more about where her heart is leading her.

Some articles have been suggested with "polyamory basics." We actually have a whole forum dedicated to polyamory reading suggestions, articles, books and a podcast, here:


Most formerly monoamorous couples find it takes a good year, if not two, to make the transition to polyamory feel more natural and less difficult. Generally it's better for the newly polyamorous person to NOT have another partner in mind, so the couple can feel less rushed in their educational process. But of course, it's pretty common for someone not to know they are polyamorous until a certain someone comes along, as in your wife's case.

Evie recommended the "First Step" article, about detangling. You have a firm need to sleep (literally) with wife and wake up together. Luckily her dating-interest person also has reasons she can't do overnights much, unless perhaps it's a special occasion, a getaway to a hotel, say. So you don't have to cross that bridge yet. But being polyamorous does require a degree of independence that many monoamorous couples don't normally practice. It can take some practice to remain tight with your partner while still being fine with her going and seeing her (or his) other partner.

I've got two polyamorous partners, and both of them have one other partner each. Luckily I am polyamorous too, so I see one partner while the other one is with their other significant other. But honestly, I also need a day or two per week where I have solo "me time"! I need that to recharge, that peace. We all figure out our best schedules. And the arrangement I have now, with these particular partners, has taken years to achieve.

Actually, for the last year, my female partner's mother has been really suffering from dementia, and so Pixi has been away in the next state more often than not, taking care of her (since Pixi's dad is also basically a loon and isn't managing it well). It's been really really hard to be apart. A benefit of poly is that my bf Aries, who lives locally, has been here for me, to support me while Pixi is gone. I can't imagine how I'd be dealing with this if I didn't have him.
 
I do feel rushed in this because of the other female already being on the scene, and my wife already admitting they are in love, and she has on a couple of occasions wanted to kiss her. This has not happened yet, as I am not ready, and neither is my wife or the other couple.

Everything I have read suggests it’s not great when it’s because of an individual, but we can’t help the situation we are in.

What has made it tough is that I called this out three months ago, and they all said I was wrong, it was just a close friendship. So I am struggling with some trust issues here too, as both my wife and the female denied the feelings for so long. Do you have any suggestions on support groups or reading around this?

I have also heard it takes about a year. I want to do this right. I am conscious that my wife may want to move this quicker. She is, however, being understanding, and when I said, 'Oh, just kiss her so it’s over with,' she refused, saying, 'No, you are not ready.'

We have so much love for one another. This is all so tough for us both.
 
It's okay to want a partner that you wake up to every morning, who doesn't take romantic weekends away with someone else, who doesn't have sex with other people, but that isn't a poly relationship.

Realistically, you will lose parts of your marriage by opening up. Most likely scenario: you will get less of your wife's time, attention, consideration & sex. If this isn't what you want, you'll have to stand firm, and perhaps walk away from your marriage.

What will YOU gain by opening up (besides not losing your wife entirely?) Is there anything you actually want from becoming open, or is it all just loss for you?
 
LoveBunny said:
It's okay to want a partner that you wake up to every morning, who doesn't take romantic weekends away with someone else, who doesn't have sex with other people, but that isn't a poly relationship.

Realistically, you will lose parts of your marriage by opening up. Most likely scenario: you will get less of your wife's time, attention, consideration & sex. If this isn't what you want, you'll have to stand firm, and perhaps walk away from your marriage.

What will YOU gain by opening up (besides not losing your wife entirely?) Is there anything you actually want from becoming open, or is it all just loss for you?
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Well said, and in addition, having someone that wants to have sex with other people with his partner's consent is not bad, in as much as they both share equal rights. (Well, I will say that is not a big deal in an open relationship, except if one is not fully committed to the other) no loss on both ends if they are true and honest to each other.
 
LoveBunny said:
It's okay to want a partner that you wake up to every morning, who doesn't take romantic weekends away with someone else, who doesn't have sex with other people, but that isn't a poly relationship.

Realistically, you will lose parts of your marriage by opening up. Most likely scenario: you will get less of your wife's time, attention, consideration & sex. If this isn't what you want, you'll have to stand firm, and perhaps walk away from your marriage.

What will YOU gain by opening up (besides not losing your wife entirely?) Is there anything you actually want from becoming open, or is it all just loss for you?
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Thank you for this message.

As yet, I honestly don’t know what I would get from this, as it is not something I have before considered. But I can see the appeal in having the freedom to date others.

My wife makes me very happy, and I still make her very happy. We are still deeply in love and have a great sex life. It would be an easier world if that was not the case for us both.

I want to explore this world with her with love and compassion, and am doing so, as I believe all relationships evolve. Is this something I thought would happen for us? No. And it isn’t what she thought either. But we are here. I want to be able love her and see her for who she is. Ultimately, my belief is this will deepen our bond, not weaken it.
 
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hlh249 said:
I do feel rushed in this because of the other f already being on the scene, and my wife already admitting they are in love, and she has on a couple of occasions wanted to kiss her. This has not happened yet, as I am not ready, and neither is my wife or the other couple.

Everything I have read suggests it’s not great when it’s because of an individual, but we can’t help the situation we are in.

What has made it tough is that I called this out three months ago, and they all said I was wrong, it was just a close friendship. So I am struggling with some trust issues here too, as both my wife and the female denied the feelings for so long. Do you have any suggestions on support groups or reading around this?
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On what, exactly? Your wife and her friend denying their feelings for each other? That's pretty common in a monogamous society, especially if you've been brainwashed by a monogamous culture to think it's impossible to romantically love two at once. Also, your wife doesn't want to hurt you.

People who have sort of been in touch with their polyamorous natures, and only date other polyamorous people, have it easier. Formerly monoamorous couples have to basically end their relationship and start a new one from scratch. This takes lots of work.

A good basic book from our list is Opening Up, and another popular one is Polysecure. But you'd be best off starting with the articles on the resources list, such as "poly hell," "the most skipped step," etc.

As far as "support groups," we are one! But you might find an in-person polyamory group or workshop by googling "polyamory" and your city, or nearby cities.
hlh249 said:
I have also heard it takes about a year. I want to do this right. I am conscious that my wife may want to move this quicker. She is, however, being understanding, and when I said Oh just kiss her so it’s over with, she refused, saying, no you are not ready.

We have so much love for one another. This is all so tough for us both.
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It's great you feel strong. And believe me, just because your wife wants to kiss someone doesn't mean she needs to. She should stop talking to you about how much she desires this other person. That can fall into TMI territory. Adults can "keep it in their pants" until the time is right. If I could tell you how many times I've had deep yearning crushes (with friends I truly loved) and didn't act on them...!
 
Hi
Magdlyn said:
On what, exactly? Your wife and her friend denying their feelings for each other? That's pretty common in a monogamous society, especially if you've been brainwashed by a monogamous culture to think it's impossible to romantically love two at once. Also, your wife doesn't want to hurt you.

People who have sort of been in touch with their polyamorous natures, and only date other poly people have it easier. Formerly mono couples have to basically end their relationship and start a new one from scratch. This takes lots of work.

A good basic book from our list is Opening Up, and another popular one is Polysecure. But you'd be best off starting with the articles on the resources list, such as "poly hell," "the most skipped step," etc.

As far as "support groups," we are one! But you might find an in-person polyamory group or workshop by googling "polyamory" and your city, or nearby cities.

It's great you feel strong. And believe me, just because your wife wants to kiss someone doesn't mean she needs to. She should stop talking to you about how much she desires this other person. That can fall into TMI territory. Adults can "keep it in their pants" until the time is right. If I could tell you how many times I've had deep yearning crushes (with friends I truly loved) and didn't act on them...!
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Hi

I just want to run past this group the big thing I am struggling with. The other female involved in this developed a friendship with me too and I told her some of my concerns and fears about the changing dynamic with my wife.

Throughout this time she assured me that she was just a friend to my wife and had no feelings towards her. I feel so used by this female I feel that she developed this relationship with me she then ended our friendship and admitted all her feelings to my wife.

I genuinely believe I am comfortable with the way which our new life looks but I cannot get past the anger I feel towards this person. I wish it was anyone but her .

How do I get past this anger because it is her and I understand I cannot have a say on who my wife sees but this feels like a betrayal

Please any advice would be great
 
hlh249 said:
I just want to run past this group the big thing I am struggling with. The other female involved in this developed a friendship with me too and I told her some of my concerns and fears about the changing dynamic with my wife.
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Hi again. May I suggest you pick nicknames for your wife and her friend/gf? Calling them "my wife," and especially "the other female" feels a bit... distancing? I am going to use generic nicknames in my response. You can choose others, of course. :)
hlh249 said:
Throughout this time, Diana assured me that she was just a friend to Britney, and had no feelings towards her. I feel so used by Diana. I feel that she developed this relationship with me. She then ended our friendship and admitted all her feelings to Britney.

I genuinely believe I am comfortable with the way which our new life looks, but I cannot get past the anger I feel towards Diana. I wish it were anyone but her.

How do I get past this anger because it is her? I understand I cannot have a say on who Britney sees, but this feels like a betrayal.

Please, any advice would be great.
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I can't quite understand what you mean by Diana befriending you, as she befriended Britney, but then "ended" her friendship with you when she told Britney she loved her romantically. How did she end her friendship with you? Did she just stop talking to you, or did she say outright, "We are no longer friends"? Did she explain why she wanted to end the friendship?
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi again. May I suggest you pick nicknames for your wife and her friend/gf? Calling them "my wife," and especially "the other female" feels a bit... distancing? I am going to use generic nicknames in my response. You can choose others, of course. :)

I can't quite understand what you mean by Diana befriending you, as she befriended Britney, but then "ended" her friendship with you when she told Britney she loved her romantically. How did she end her friendship with you? Did she just stop talking to you, or did she say outright, "We are no longer friends"? Did she explain why she wanted to end the friendship?
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So D and I became friends as D and B had talked about us all being friends as we all have children and it would be nice to have shared samesex families in our orbit (we just moved to Australia from uk)

I even though I could see the obvious between them agreed. I would start spending time with D without B.

D would always ask me how I was if I was ok how things were with B . Even told me she felt B was bad for me and I should leave her.

This all now just seems like some cruel behaviour on her part. She ended our friendship as it made her uncomfortable

I believe my wife is not drawn to monogamy and I can work through this with her. I think this is the case irrelevant of D. I am
Struggling to accept that D hasn’t used me to get to my wife when we are both vulnerable and struggling with a new normal

Does that make sense
 
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hlh249 said:
So Diana and I became friends, as Diana and Britney had talked about us all being friends, as we all have children, and it would be nice to have shared same-sex families in our orbit. (We just moved to Australia from UK.)

I, even though I could see the obvious between them, agreed. I would start spending time with Diana without Britney.

Diana would always ask me how I was, if I was ok how things were with Britney, even told me she felt Britney was bad for me and I should leave her.

This all now just seems like some cruel behaviour on her part. She ended our friendship as it made her uncomfortable

I believe Britney is not drawn to monogamy and I can work through this with her. I think this is the case irrelevant of Diana. I am struggling to accept that Diana hasn’t used me to get to my wife, when we are both vulnerable and struggling with a new normal.

Does that make sense?
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Oh I see. Yes. It would appear that Diana is what we call a "cowgirl." She is trying to rope Britney away from the herd, so to speak. She doesn't want Britney to be polyamorous. She just wants her for herself?
 
Magdlyn said:
Oh I see. Yes. It would appear that Diana is what we call a "cowgirl." She is trying to rope Britney away from the herd, so to speak. She doesn't want Britney to be polyamorous. She just wants her for herself?
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Yes and I have no idea how to deal with that

Basically it’s exactly how I feel I don’t even think D is poly I think it’s just about B. She has even told B she doesn’t believe she is poly it’s just about D

So how do I navigate that
 
hlh249 said:
Yes, and I have no idea how to deal with that

Basically, it’s exactly how I feel. I don’t even think D is poly. I think it’s just about B. She has even told B she doesn’t believe she is poly, it’s just about D.

So how do I navigate that?
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You talk to your wife about it. Tell her about your perceptions, exactly as you've described them here. Tell her that Diana has admitted she is not polyamorous, not interested in a V-shape relationship (where Britney is the hinge, and you and Diana are the equal "legs"). She just wants Britney to herself.

Tell Britney about how NRE can cloud our vision and not let us see the red flags in a new partner.

Share some of the articles from our resource list with Britney (after you read them).
 
It’s weird because whilst I have initially found the fact of opening up my relationship stressful what I have found more stressful
Is this persons behaviour
 
hlh249 said:
It’s weird because whilst I have initially found the fact of opening up my relationship stressful what I have found more stressful
Is this persons behaviour
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If Diana is trying to "steal" Britney, she can't without Britney's cooperation. So you need to talk to Britney. It's not between you and Diana, it's between you and Britney! If she wants to leave you, that's her choice. Not Diana's. You don't need to talk to Diana anymore. Just your wife.
 
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