Moving from adultery to polyamory - help!

S

Sourel

New member
I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice. I'm sorry if this is a little long. This is the abridged version!

I have agreed to change my monogamous marriage into a polyamorous one to honour my partner Vincent's desire for a new way of love. I'm hoping to see some benefits for myself too. Though at the moment, at home with a six-month old baby, I'm not exactly sure when that's going to get started for me. :rolleyes:

The sticking point for me, though, is Vincent's insistence on maintaining the three adulterous relationships he started in September and October 2009, and just rebranding them as polyamory.

I have agreed to change our marriage. I would like this to start out on a healthy footing, not dragging out the pain his adultery caused.

For the record, we were married, after 11 years together, in the summer of 2009. I got pregnant in a honeymoon accident-- joint responsibility. He freaked. By the end of September, when I'd miscarried, he already had one new relationship going. The two others followed in October, when I was lost in grief.

I got pregnant again at the end of October, and spent three miserable months in a relationship desert, not knowing that he was cheating on me. The night before my amniocentesis, I asked on an intuition if he was in love with someone else... and the truth came out.

Vincent and his three girlfriends were all in a polyamorous constellation. From my pov, since my consent was not given, this was adultery. Whatever you call it, there was a total lack of respect, honesty, trust, etc. The road to accepting polyamory has been long for me, hampered all the way by Vincent repeatedly reminding me of how vital and important the other three are, but, while telling me I'm his primary relationship, being ready to split up with me if I put my foot down on this issue.

His adultery caused me incredible pain, on an emotional level. My pregnancy got very fucked up, from the stress, I think. The baby arrived 7 weeks early and almost didn't make it, spending months in the hospital. I would like to leave all of that behind us, and move into a relationship where trust is central.

How am I to trust these three women to respect any rules? Or my husband, who already has three other relationships in place, even before our "polyamorous" life gets going? I am totally lost on this one, presumably because a part of my head is still in mono-land. I'm trying to be open to all of this!
 
My hackles are up because I'm having an emotional response to the idea that these three women and your husband were supposedly in a poly constellation and yet none of them had the ethics or pure human consideration to speak to you. What if you do put your foot down? You've been given the ultimatum of him leaving you. You're at home with your six-month old infant. When does he have the time for three other women as a new and responsible dad? Are you happy with him? Will you be able to trust him again? Is he worth it?

I'm sorry to sound so negative. I'm struggling with the concept of doing this to the woman he loves and mother of his new child. I know what it is like to betray someone's trust. I can't imagine him feeling in a position to ask for anything after this type of dishonesty. And the other women-- perhaps he fed them lies as well. Otherwise, they knowingly engaged in some serious unethical and dishonest behaviour. I don't blame you for wanting them gone.

Hopefully someone without a Don Quixote complex can comment and give better advice. I'll just sit here with a pot on my head stewing, for now.:mad:
 
I should add some nuances to my initial post. Yes, I love him. Yes, he can be worth it. We also have a five-year old, and I raised his grown sons for the last twelve years. But I feel I shouldn't have to beg for respect. The ultimatum comes from me: I don't wish to continue in the relationship if he continues to pour salt on this wound. The women all knew about one another, and knew about me! My miscarriage, pregnancy, premature birth, the lot...
 
So you get to do all the dirty work. He gets free childcare, someone to wash his clothes and care for his household while he gets to go out and play. He is not treating you as his primary. He will leave if you, a postpartum woman, if you don't accept his girlfriends! He is treating you like hired help.
 
SNeacail said:
So you get to do all the dirty work. He gets free childcare, someone to wash his clothes and care for his household while he gets to go out and play. He is not treating you as his primary. He will leave if you don't accept his girlfriends! He is treating you like hired help.
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This.

Decide for yourself what will make this relationship worth staying in for you. Be clear in what you need from him. If he can't be there to give you what you need, it's best that you know it sooner, rather than later. Also, be very clear with him about what his children need from their father. He has kids, and has done for a long time. His life can't be all about him, and what he wants, all the time.
 
SNeacail said:
He will leave if you don't accept his girlfriends!
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I think it's worse than that. He won't leave, but he'll just accept it if she leaves. That means he gets to be the guy whose wife left him because he was willing to work things out and she wasn't.

But ironically, the OP will probably get a lot of support from the mainstream community if she does decide to leave the relationship for these reasons.

It is unfortunate that there are children involved in this mess.
 
Gosh, my sympathies. How sad! How did it happen you get pregnant so soon after the miscarriage? Was that another accident? Or was that your joint idea to deal with the grief of the miscarriage?

I guess one could imagine he started three affairs in some kind of way to deal with his grief over the miscarriage, but what an odd way to do it.

How many of his new gfs are now also pregnant? I just ask because I've seen this type of guy before. :(
 
I'm going to take another train on this one. It's not that I disagree with any previous posters. I don't. But...

I was the cheater. I was in love with both Maca (my husband) and GG (my current boyfriend). It doesn't matter what the details were for why I cheated on Maca with GG. I did. The rest is history, so to speak.

But the whole reason that I am here today sitting side by side with Maca is because he accepted that telling me to give up the other love of my life, on account of the fact that I found polyamory through some highly fucked-up behaviors, wasn't realistic or reasonable, if he loved me.

My behaviors were devastating for Maca (and me, and GG, as well as our children). There is no doubt that I was wrong.

I accepted some insanely difficult boundaries for the right to have GG as my boyfriend, because Maca did have a right to distrust, to have hurt feelings, etc. But the fact remains that if either of them were to tell me that unless I gave up the other they would leave, that person would have to leave, because I love them both. Feel free to read my blog or previous posts for our (ongoing) story.

Only you know what will or won't work for you. Good luck.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I was the cheater. I was in love with both Maca (my husband) and GG (my current boyfriend). But the whole reason that I am here today sitting side by side with Maca is because he accepted that telling me to give up the other love of my life, on account of the fact that I found polyamory through some highly fucked up behaviors, wasn't realistic or reasonable, if he loved me.
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I think this is interesting, just from the perspective of the one who cheated.

As much as the OP really should consider the requests of her husband, she should also consider her feelings towards her him, as well.

I don't think you can compare LovingRadiance with Sourel's husband, as I think LR had way more respect for her husband in the end than Sourel's husband has for her. JMHO.
 
My heart goes out to you, Sourel. Bless your heart. I have been the cheated-on spouse, although not in the heart-wrenching circumstances you describe. My deep condolences for the loss and grief you've experienced lately, and for the pain your husband and his mistresses have inflicted on you.

With all respect to Loving Radiance, Maca, GreenGecko and their tribe, their situation is the exception, rather than the rule. Most people are neither willing or able to put in the monumental effort they have invested in making the transition from infidelity to polyfidelity. And even now, they continue to face great challenges on that front.

If I were in your situation, I would drop that cheater like a hot rock. Not because he had feelings for someone else, but because of the disrespect he had demonstrated for me, and for the destruction of the trust we had built together.

Explore polyamory if your heart leads you to, but you deserve trustworthy partners who respect and cherish you. This group has not behaved in such a manner as to be worthy of you.
 
First off, I'm really grateful for all your replies.

The second pregnancy was an accident too. I felt so dead that I didn't even think I could conceive. I guess from my side there was a fair amount of subconscious desire for a child going on, too. My husband saw the pregnancies as a negation of our commitment to work on our relationship, as a negation of him, and he didn't have the guts to talk to me about it. Both of us made mistakes, though his mistakes are the ones that society condemns.

I have struggled to reach this position where I refuse to accept that these three women are rebaptized as polyamorous partners, and all is right with the world.

I've been trying to find your story, LovingRadiance, but you've got a lot of posts and blog posts. :confused:

My husband does love me, and as I affirm my position, I think he's realizing that he will have to let go of these women if he wants to stay with me. That's tough for him, sure. But the more I move over to his position, the more distanced I become from my own. The entire context of this adultery was nothing short of traumatic-- It started weeks after our wedding (a more spiritual, loving and non-traditional wedding you could not find!); then there was the miscarriage; the grieving I was going through; the horrible way he treated me during this time; Xmas at my folks, with him at my parents' computer every two minutes with the mistresses; and me learning about the affairs the night before the amnio (which carries a 1/100 risk of miscarriage).

I was suicidal at one point. I certainly wasn't feeling any of the extra love radiating out from "poly love." That I came back from that is a testament to the love I feel for my husband, and recognition of my own failings in our relationship.

I'm ready to change our relationship to a polyamorous one (leaky breasts and stretchmarks, anyone?), so that my husband gets all the love and attention that he needs.

But why should I be the only person picking up the tab?
What does he sacrifice?

If I accept his deal, his life continues just as before, only better, because he doesn't have to lie anymore.

When I envisage future poly relationships, I would like to believe that I will be able to feel kindly and benevolent towards the other people my husband loves. I can't do that with these women. They had honorable choices. They could have said, "Vincent, I'm very attracted to you. I really want to jump your bones. But please, sort your shit out first. I don't want you this way."

And, of course, Vincent also had more honorable choices he could have made.

My big question is whether this a "normal" request in poly terms, that previous adulterous relationships get "upgraded"?

Keep talking! I'm listening!
 
Deuce said:
I don't think you can compare LR with Sourel's husband, as I think LR had way more respect for her husband in the end than Sourel's husband has for her.
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This. Way more respect, and has done the hard work, and more.

Also, a guy that "can be great" is nowhere near as good as a guy that is great, all the time.

From what you have written, Sourel, you are a great woman who deserves a partner who respects that, every second of every day. At the very basic level, you deserve a partner who is by your side through thick and thin, and this guy wasn't. Who the hell has time to take on three new relationships while their "primary" partner (who thinks she is "sole" partner) is dealing with pregnancy, miscarriage and then another difficult pregnancy (exacerbated by his lower-than-disgusting behaviour), followed by the early birth and the ongoing premie complications?

Where the hell does he get off making demands of you in such a manner, let alone at such a time?

Why oh why were lynch mobs outlawed? *joking* And yet this guy deserves it. JMHO.

Edit: Just saw your last post, Sourel.

The main question I can't answer. I have no clue, in fact. But I feel for you. In my opinion, as seen above, your husband really needs to stop seeing these other women and focus on sorting things out properly with you. He may need some sort of reassurance from you that will allow him to let go, if only for a little while. If he can't do that, then you both need to negotiate based on that absolute of his, and your absolute on everything else. Meet in the middle somewhere. And know in yourself, so you can reassure him, that you will relook at things in X weeks/months.

There are other posts on here that deal with this. Try doing a search on cheating.

Good luck, big hugs!
 
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Oh my gosh, this just keeps getting worse and worse. He cheated on you with not one, not two, but three women right after a "meaningful and spiritual" wedding ceremony and a miscarriage?! Argh, with all the work feminists have done to empower women, I am horrified this kind of thing still goes on in male/female relationships.

No way can this arrangement transition to polyamory. Those three women are vampires. Who would fuck a guy whose wife just had a miscarriage and was swamped with grief? Much less to continue to fuck him as she gets pregnant again and delivers so early?

As for the second conception, it should've been his responsibility to glove that cock of his. He should've been cherishing and protecting you at that vulnerable time, not knocking you up and continuing to cheat.

Leaky breasts? You're nourishing your very early and probably ill premie, and keeping Vincent's spawn as healthy and strong as possible! (BTW, my ex used to love to suck my milky breasts; he got a charge out of it.)

Stretch marks? Tiger stripes! Badges of courage! He should be worshiping the ground you walk on.

Grrrrrr...!

If you do decide to stay with this man, I implore you to demand he drops those whores (pardon my French) of his, and enter into counseling with you. Something is very very wrong here.
 
Magdlyn said:
Oh my gosh, this just keeps getting worse and worse. He cheated on you with not one, not two, but three women right after a "meaningful and spiritual" wedding ceremony and a miscarriage! Argh, with all the work feminists have done to empower women, I am horrified this kind of thing still goes on in male/female relationships.

No way can this arrangement transition to polyamory. Those three women are vampires. Who would fuck a guy whose wife just had a miscarriage and was swamped with grief? Much less to continue to fuck him as she gets pregnant again and delivers so early?

As for the second conception, it should've been his responsibility to glove that cock of his. He should've been cherishing and protecting you at that vulnerable time, not knocking you up and continuing to cheat.

Leaky breasts? You're nourishing your very early and probably ill premie, and keeping his spawn as healthy and strong as possible!

Stretch marks? Tiger stripes! Badges of courage! He should be worshiping the ground you walk on.

Grrrrrr...!

If you do decide to stay with this man, I implore you to demand he drops those whores (pardon my French) of his, and enter into counseling with you. Something is very very wrong here.
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Tell us how you really feel, Mags. :)

But yeah. 100% agreement.
 
OMG. {{{{big hugs}}}

Dear Sorel, I guess I'm with everyone else here, really upset and disgusted. Admittedly, we only have one side of the story, but if it's even partially or mostly accurate, I have to call Vincent out as a player and a scumbag. Sorry that's harsh, but it is what it is.

I have serious doubts this person can even spell the word love, let alone understand it. To him, it seems it's just another word, another tool, he uses to get what he wants.

A big component of love is respect. Respect is earned. If there's any reason this person is due any respect, it's missing from your writing.

You seem like a kind, wonderful person. You deserve better.

I suggest you let his "theories" fly in his own face, and start the process of finding someone who truly understands what love is about. Let him sit in the observer's seat for awhile. Maybe he'll learn something, but I highly doubt it!
 
What Mags said, 100%.

Sourel, I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly wish you the very best. If half of what you write is accurate, you deserve so much more from your partner(s).
 
I'm not sure what you are staying for, and where you are getting your strength from. Why do you stay? What is it about this situation that is working for you? Is it that you just can't get it together to go? I don't understand. I don't ask to be insulting towards you, or to disrespect your decision. I am genuinely curious.

Yes, there are people that ask for an upgrade from cheating to polyamory, and some that actually have figured out how to do that and be happy, on both sides, not without huge sacrifices, stepping way back to gain trust again, and really looking at who the hell they think they are to even ask before considering keeping the question of "Could this work for us?" alive.

There is a lot written on cheating and affairs on here, some really good threads and conversations. If you do a search for "cheating," and "affairs," and look in Golden Nuggets, you will find quite a bit. I would suggest doing a search for "foundation" and "lessons" also. You will see that polyamory is far more than loving other people. It is a relationship dynamic that Vincent and his mistresses don't have.

One other thing, if he were really "living poly," by the standard I have, there is no way in hell he would have enough time for four women. There is no way I know of that he could give each relationship the consideration, undivided attention and depth that is required for a good relationship, in my book.
 
Did I only mention Vincent's bad points? My bad... He has many, many good points. I'm pretty sure that this whole episode was a bad blip. I think he is going through a serious life crisis. At the time of the miscarriage, we were on two totally different planets, and we didn't get to reconnect until after I found out about his other women. It is hard to give up on a relationship that has lasted more than a quarter of your life... so many memories, small children together, and all the work that goes into keeping a relationship together over time. In my mind, I married for life.

I'm with you on the time aspect, Redpepper. How is it possible to have children and have time for more lovers?! Vincent is on the road a lot, so I guess there will be time then. ;)

He read all your posts, by the way. I think that was a pretty sobering experience for him. So far, he had managed to avoid the opinion of his peers by saying, "They're in a monogamous mindset, so they can't possibly understand." Opening this up to polyamorous voices was a good idea.

For the time being, we are going strong. He has accepted my ultimatum. We are going to open our relationship to other people (nice folk, no "vampires"), and we'll see! I feel good that I stood up for something that I couldn't accept.

A BIG THANK YOU to all the people who took the time to respond to my post!
 
Easy??!! That's funny. No, it hasn't been in the least easy. This started on January 21st, 2010. If you could lose weight crying I'd be a size zero by now. But I did post at a time when it was just "Sourel's Last Stand." I figured if I heard lots of voices telling me I should be open to this situation, that I would need to see if I could get my head around it, though my instincts were telling me otherwise.
 
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