Multi-partner cohabitation

It's not too hard, but it's gotta have be approved. You need a permit saying that the foundation is sound for a second story. It's also on a hill, so that means you can only get to it from the front side (the rest is a steep hill to hell). Also, it's gotta be done in a way to be aesthetically pleasing with the rest of the house (outside) because it's HIGHLY visible and we're planning to move. Maca can do the electrical pretty easily (that's what he does) and as long as there's no plumbing, it's no big deal.

But that side of the house has bedrooms upstairs, so there wouldn't be an entry directly to the house, unless we changed that in the actual house, which we can't do right now, because we're already short on bedrooms.

Anyway, it's not particularly DIFFICULT, just time-consuming detail bs.
 
New Roommate

Redpepper's cat has taken to hanging out down in my suite. The other cat is completely uninterested. So she, as the submissive, seems to be enjoying her new domain. She's been sleeping with me the last few nights, and watching me get ready for work in the morning. It's very calming, I must admit. Yet another benefit of living together. :)
 
MonoVCPHG said:
What will be next? Am I living with a false sense of calmness? Is everyone truly happy with the dynamic, boundaries and criteria to be together? I'm pretty happy in general, but staying alert!
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I shouldn't reread my posts. Turns out I was. Not the end of the world, just something that is at the forefront right now.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
I shouldn't reread my posts. Turns out I was. Not the end of the world, just something that is at the forefront right now.
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Or maybe it isn't a false sense of calm, but rather there being periods of calm and periods of change. The calm was real and there will be calm again. <hugs>
 
Yesterday Redpepper and I spent the afternoon working on the passageway between the main floor and my suite. She's a fantastic organizer and I was handing modifying shelving and arranging a shared storage space primarily containing my favourite toys... TOOLS! Well, my second -favourite toys. ;)

We work very well with each other and complement each other's skills. :)

Now to find a cheap door with lots of windows. The renos continue.
 
Got the door hung! Thanks for helping me pick it up, Lilo. :) Now I need a cat door, and some trim, and some dry wall. The fun never stops! (I actually mean it is fun... I love this shit.)
 
Violet and I lived together within a couple months of dating seriously; she just spent more and more time at my place, and more and more of her stuff accumulated there. Then her roommates had a blowout and I said, "Screw it, just move in." lol. That was almost exactly 25 months ago.

Lana moved in a few months later, as a friend and roommate. We "rescued" her and moved her in when we dropped her off one day and saw her terrible living situation. That was about 21 months ago. Seven months ago, she joined our relationship "officially" and physically, though she makes it clear that she'd loved us emotionally for a long time before that.

Anne had her own place a couple of miles away for the brief time we dated her.

I bought a house 11 months ago, a few months before Lana became an official girlfriend and before we met Adrian. Four bedrooms, 2400 sq ft, plenty of room. There was never any question of Lana moving with us or not. Despite being "just a roommate," we took her into consideration while house hunting. lol

Adrian moved in about the same time that Lana joined the relationship. It was too much, too fast, and we're still dealing with the fallout. But it's slowly resolving, I think. Or hope. Or something like that.

Right now, Violet and I share the expansive master suite, and the other two have their own rooms across the upper floor, and there's a guest room. It's been this way for more than 7 months now. As finances permit, we may be looking into getting Lana and Adrian their own place(s); they alternately adore the idea and chaff at it. It's all up in the air right now. We'll see what happens, I guess.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Got the door hung! Thanks for helping me pick it up, Lilo. Now I need a cat door, and some trim, and some dry wall. The fun never stops! (I actually mean it is fun. I love this shit.)
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Mono, you share my enthusiasm for domestic improvements. HGTV is like porn for me! LOL Good job! I have a honey-do list that needs some attention. If ever you find yourself motorcycling southeast, let me know! :D
 
This week (and last) I'm thanking God for "multi-partner cohabitation."

Because we are all living together, last week it was possible for me to accept the offer to fly to Florida with a friend on a couple days' notice. Maca, Mimi and GG were able (with Spicy's help) to take care of the household.

This week, even though I've been sick as a dog, Maca's unable to use his arm, Mimi hurt her back (and is still in a brace for her ankle), with all of us together, and GG and Spicy helping out, we were able to take care of the household responsibilities, get Spicy bandaged up (she cut her thumb), and replace the washing machine that went down!

WHEW! Thank goodness for cohabitating!
 
Definitions

I have some questions about definitions, and how things fit into them.

As I understand it, in a triad, all three parties are romantically and sexually involved, and in a vee, two parties are each separately involved with the third. Is that correct?

Second, if vees are not all romantically and sexually involved, how do the living arrangements pan out?

I ask these things because it seems that R, K, and I may be becoming a vee, although I've not counted out C yet (K's partner before this all came about, and still partner), so we may be a quad, or two vees.

My other question is about living arrangements: in a vee, do the three parties tend to live together? And, not being romantically or sexually involved, how difficult is that on the two parties that are not the hinge?

This, of course, stems from personal experience, the latest being my hearing love noises through the door while K was over. I'm not naive or lying to myself. I know they have sex, likely every time K is here. But knowing about it and hearing it are two different things.

Are there any vees in the crowd that have different living arrangements, such as the newest member living in a separate home, or some such? Or does that make the relationship not a vee, but something else?

I'm trying to come to grips with the sex in my house that doesn't involve me. It's odd. Sometimes it makes me very sad. But it's hard to tell if it's something that is only saddening because it's so new, or if I will feel differently once the initial oddness goes away. How will I deal if it doesn't? Can we all live together if I can't stand hearing them in the next room? Is it too much to ask that they keep the noise down? I mean, I wouldn't want her to ask that of R and me, so I can't very well ask it of them.

I'm sorry my posts are always so long and needy and go in circles, but just being able to post here makes me feel a lot better about what we are doing. As I've mentioned, there is no one in my daily life that I can discuss this with. No one gets even close to understanding. I don't think anyone wants to.

<3
 
If you keep reading this forum, you will keep finding out that poly relationships and entanglements are whatever you want them to be. More experienced peeps here can share how they live, but from reading here and talking to other poly people, I have learned that you can be involved in pretty much any poly dynamic with or without everyone all living together. There's no rule that any member of a triad, vee, or quad, etc., must cohabit.

And as far as there being sex going on within earshot, lots of people have posted here about being uncomfortable with that, and so they come up with guidelines and ground rules. If you don't want to hear it, you don't have to. Seems that some people don't have sex where their SOs can hear them, or they go to a hotel or some other place, OR the one person not having sex with the others finds things to do to occupy their time and leave for a while (movies, boys' night out, etc.).
 
Thanks, NYCindie. I guess I do that a lot, kind of ask what's ok, when we all know everything can be ok depending on who's involved. What I really mean to ask is: what's the norm? What have people here tried and how did it work out?

As for the sex in earshot, I have thought about finding something to do while that's going on, but it almost seems cowardly to me. No offense to anyone who works this way. I just feel like, if I am doing this, if this is all going to be a part of my life, I need to be able to embrace it all.

Let me explain our current living arrangements. K lives with C, not here. But she comes over what amounts to every other day, spending the night two out of three times. We have two bedrooms, but R and I never slept regularly in either one. In 'my room' is a twin bed and not much else. In 'R's room' there is a futon and all his man cave stuff (TVs, gaming systems, computer). Before K, R slept in his room and I slept in the living room, which opens into his room.

So that means that when he's in his room with K, and I'm in the living room where I generally hang out, there's only a door between us. The plan is on our next pay day to make my room more inviting. Then I can hang out there, so there's more than one door in between us all. We are thinking this will help all of us be more at ease.
 
axlfreak said:
What's the norm? What have people here tried? How did it work out?

I just feel like, if I am doing this, if this is all going to be a part of my life, I need to be able to embrace it all.

K lives with C, not here, but she comes over what amounts to every other day, spending the night two out of three times.

So that means that when he's in his room with K, and I'm in the living room where I generally hang out, there's only a door between us. The plan is on our next pay day to make my room more inviting. then I can hang out there, so there's more than one door in between us all.
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That sounds like a good plan. Like I said in your other thread, this new relationship is really progressing quickly. Of course you're going to be uncomfortable with some aspects of it. Your comfort is just as important as them getting their rocks off.

There is no "normal" when it comes to poly configurations and solutions.

Is C fine with K coming over three times a week with two sleepovers? Personally, if I were C, I wouldn't be down with that. Are you really okay with them spending half the week together, after only a couple months of them knowing each other (much less making living-together plans already)?

A few times, when I have been in my apartment with my gf, and my other sweetie has come over and we've had sex, my gf has been on the computer in my bedroom, chatting with friends, or playing a video game, to distract herself. I make sure she is set up with food, drinks, etc., so D and I can have the run of the rest of the apartment: kitchen, guest room, living room.

Gf isn't bothered by hearing the sex sounds D and I make, but she does get turned on a little. After he leaves (he doesn't sleep over) I make sure to immediately check in with my gf, and give her some sexual relief, if needed, as well.

Basically, from what you've been saying, I feel R is just doing what he damn well pleases, with little to no care for how you feel, and you're being a people pleaser, "needing to embrace it ALL," no matter how sad or lonely or jealous you may be feeling.
 
Magdlyn said:
Basically, from what you've been saying, I feel R is just doing what he damn well pleases, with little to no care for how you feel, and you're being a people pleaser, "needing to embrace it ALL," no matter how sad or lonely or jealous you may be feeling.
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This.
 
Magdlyn said:
and you're being a people pleaser, "needing to embrace it ALL," no matter how sad or lonely or jealous you may be feeling.
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Well, you hit the nail on the head here. I am totally a people pleaser. But I don't know what else to do. I don't want to push him away, especially if that just pushes him closer to her. I want to do this fully, as in, if they don't last, I want there to be no question that it was between them, and nothing to do with me. And if they do last, I'm hoping the NRE finally cools down and he gets back to normal. And when he does he'll realize how great I've been. And she'll become a friend, instead of only his GF.

As for my general needs, they are being met. Do I wish I got more than four days a week with him? Absolutely. But I think of it like this-- if we had another day, what would we do with it? We aren't NREing, so we tend to do old married couple stuff, like hang out in different rooms of the house, or run errands. Admittedly, a lot of what we do on 'my days' is not as exciting as her days, but I try not to compete. He's with me for me. And if he wants what she has more, then so be it.

Grrr... this whole thing makes my head hurt.

The most annoying thing about this situation is, I can't get a break. >.< I'm sure you've all felt that way. When I feel insecure and tired, I want to go to him, like I always would. But since he's involved in what's making me feel that way, I can't. I think maybe I need to find some poly meetings, or a therapist who understands this lifestyle.
 
Actually, dear, you should be able to go to him with all your feelings around his new relationship. If he cares about you first and foremost (as he should! after such a long marriage), you sharing your struggles should not push him away. It should bring you closer! So many couples here find the work involved in making poly brings them closer to their primary (and heats up their sex life), does not drive them apart!

Look for Freetime's thread, for a recent example. Here it is

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7618
 
Oh I see Neon must've combined a couple threads!
 
Magdlyn said:
Oh I see Neon must've combined a couple threads!
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These are issues that are not uncommon regarding the topic of this thread, so even though a lot of it is personal, it was moved to this thread to make it easier to find for others in a similar situation.
 
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