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bannerman

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Hello,

I am a 41 year old heterosexual male. I am interested in exploring polyamory and open relationships.

I do not currently have a partner, and was never very successful at dating.

I do not know how to meet people who are polyamorous or in open relationships. I live in the Bible Belt, so not a lot of people are forthcoming about being in this lifestyle.

How does this typically work? Do people propose to their partners that they would like to transition to an open relationship? Or does one have to seek out people who are already actively polyamorous to partner with? Or do you just have get lucky that both partners are open to the idea?

I look forward to learning more.
 
Hi and welcome, bannerman

How does this typically work? Do people propose to their partners that they would like to transition to an open relationship? Or does one have to seek out people who are already actively polyamorous to partner with? Or do you just have get lucky that both partners are open to the idea?
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All of the above are options. Since you're single, the transitioning to an open relationship is unlikely to affect you. You get to start with the ability to say to potential partners up front that you are only looking for open relationship models. You certainly don't *have* to seek out people who are already in open relationships, but if you want to specifically date someone who already has another partner, it is possible to meet people who are just beginning that journey, too. Of course, that means you'll have to navigate all the pitfalls that come with a newly opening couple, which can be very hard work as they process jealousies and logistics.

If I were you, I'd google polyamory and your specific location to see if there are any regular meet ups in that area. Or try Facebook groups, or Fetlife events, or Feeld or Iconist or other poly friendly dating apps. You could also get involved with any other fringe groups such as board gamers, or ren faires, or something that takes your fancy and meet people through there. Just be open to telling people that you are polyamorous and see who gravitates towards you.

All the best,
Evie
 
Greetings bannerman,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You've come to the right place for exploring polyamory and open relationships. You will find that Polyamory.com is a good source of information in and of itself, and it's a good launching pad for finding more info all around the web, in movies, and in books. One book I would recommend is, "Opening Up." The author is Tristan Taormino. It's just got a lot of good basic information that precisely covers the topics you want to explore. In the meantime, you can post your questions here on this forum as they arise, and we'll try to answer.

It's possible that there is a poly group somewhere not too far away from you. Google "polyamory" with the name of your state, or the name of the major city closest to you. If that doesn't work, you can try Feeld or OKCupid. Or you can just get out there and start meeting people, start making platonic friends. With a platonic friend, you can mention polyamory sometime when there's a place for it in the conversation. Then that friend can decide how she feels about polyamory, and if she feels favorably about it, then if the friendship later turns romantic, you'll have already had the conversation with her. Or who knows, maybe when you first bring it up, she'll reveal that she's already polyamorous.

Take a class, join a club, anything that interests you, and that's where your opportunities to meet someone will come from. And if you want to increase your chances of meeting people who are at least open-minded about poly, you could go to fringe events such as Ren Faires, BDSM munches, indie concerts, sci-fi conventions, anything where the people there are already comfortable with thinking outside the box.

Good luck as you start your poly journey.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks for the info.

In the past, I've tried going to red fairs and music festivals to meet new people, but found that everyone just stuck to their established cliques and didn't get an opportunity to meet anyone. I am the kind of person who struggles at approaching strangers when there is not some kind of eternal icebreaker in play. I've also had the same experience when I've occasionally went to a coffee shop or bar.

The one time I found info online about a sex party, it was invite only and no single men are allowed. When I tried websites like benaughty, my area women in my area were scarce. I either not a lot of people on traditional dating sites are interested or they are not comfortable disclosing.

I don't know much else. I've found just enough info, mostly on social media, to know that people are out. People don't openly volunteer that they are polyamorous around here. The only woman I've met who did tell me she's polygamous turned out to be an extremely toxic individual. I knew someone in the past who liked to have threesomes with her husband, but didn't permit him to have sex with other women when she wasn't present. But I can't think of anyone I else I know is polyamorous or in an open relationship.
 
bannerman said:
Thanks for the info.

In the past, I've tried going to Ren Fairs and music festivals to meet new people, but found that everyone just stuck to their established cliques and didn't get an opportunity to meet anyone.
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You could try to find online groups for the local Ren Faires and music fests, to meet people who go regularly and start to make contacts ahead of time, so you'll have a built-in group to attend with.
bannerman said:
I am the kind of person who struggles at approaching strangers when there is not some kind of eternal icebreaker in play. I've also had the same experience when I've occasionally went to a coffee shop or bar.
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I know it's harder when you're an introvert. I think it's key to go out often, to a few places where you like the ambiance or focus. It's quite OK to just observe for a while! Eventually you'll get to recognize people and they will recognize you. Finally, you might feel brave enough to strike up a conversation with people, couples, families or whatever. Look open and interested, smile a lot, make some eye contact (not in a creepy way) and maybe someone will start talking to you. It's OK to just make platonic friends too. Don't expect to meet a sex partner right away.

Figure out a list of icebreaker comments or questions, about the venue, the members of the band, or ask about someone's outfit (Where'd you get that tshirt, hat, etc.?).

There are DJ parties around too. I have one friend who goes to those all the time. She's very outgoing, often works the door or manages the event in other ways, and will talk to anyone who seems friendly. If you meet someone like that, she or he will help with introductions.

You might need to invest some money and time into traveling to a bigger city where more progressive type people live. Even in red states, the bigger cities will have more alternative people. Fetlife is a site for kinksters, but poly people also go there to connect, and you can find events that way. Feeld is a newer dating app that is quite open to poly people (and LGBTQ, etc.)
bannerman said:
The one time I found info online about a sex party, it was invite only and no single men are allowed. When I tried websites like benaughty, my area women in my area were scarce. I either not a lot of people on traditional dating sites are interested or they are not comfortable disclosing.
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The thing is, polyamory is not about sex. Swinging is about sex, without love. Polyamory means many loves. Romance is involved, and usually sex is (except for asexuals), but it's not the first focus.

I talked to my current bf (of 20 months) online, on Fetlife, for 3 years, just as friends, before and during the pandemic, before we finally met and realized we had great chemistry, besides the similar other interests we'd discussed. I've dated many men since 2008, and I've had r'ships that lasted from 3 months to 2.5 years, but this one seems to have great longevity potential. Dating takes time and effort, so try and be patient. (I got lucky with my gf though, I met her just 3 months after separating from my husband and ending our monogamous relationship. And here we are 14 years later. So, you never know!)
bannerman said:
I don't know much else. I've found just enough info, mostly on social media, to know that people are out. People don't openly volunteer that they are polyamorous around here. The only woman I've met who did tell me she's polygamous turned out to be an extremely toxic individual. I knew someone in the past who liked to have threesomes with her husband, but didn't permit him to have sex with other women when she wasn't present. But I can't think of anyone I else I know is polyamorous or in an open relationship.
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You'll find out more as you start to research and find better resources and learn how to be a bit more outgoing, I promise!
 
I don't know.

Before the pandemic, I was in a boardgame group that met every week for a few years. The regular people there recognized me, but nothing ever led into any kind of friendships outside of the weekly meeting. And none of the women there were either single or close to me in age.

Last year, I went on a trip to Poland. I was in am English emersion program that provided room and board. I met a lot of people, both local English learners and other teachers from around the world. It was a special time, and I felt more comfortable and open than I normally am. This environment was of course not great for finding long term partners, as we all went home within a few weeks. But I was hoping to hook up while I was there. After the program ended, A few of us got together spent the final evening touring around Warsaw. At the end of the night, I thought now would be the time if I wanted to ask a lady if she was interested in hooking up, but I did not know how to do so without coming across as a creep.

Poland was an exception. Normally, I do not have the means to travel anywhere. I've never been able to afford trips to comincons or whatever.

I come from a Muslim background, and growing up it was emphasized that sex out of wedlock was not an option. It took a long time for me to overcome my religious indoctrination, and while I was in college I was still of the mindset that I needed to hurry up and jump right into marriage with someone. I suspect this might have scared women away from wanting to date me. And by the time I got out of that mindset I was already out of college and struggling to pay rent.

I'd only ever been with one woman, and she was extremely toxic and psychologically abusive. I did not know how to recognize the red flags at the time, but she gaslighted me, socially isolated me until her small group of friends were my only social circle, nurtured my insecurities and frequently threatened to leave me, and conditioned me to the point that I was afraid of going anywhere or making decisions without getting her approval. After I graduated college and was struggling to find a job (this was in 2009 during the recession), she broke up with me over the phone while calling me a bum and a deadbeat. And then she and her friends spread lies about me cheating on her and abusing her. That was 15 years ago, and I have not been with any other woman since then.

I've had many female friends over the years. However, none of them ever turned into romantic relationships. None of my friends ever introduced me to other women either. And 99.9% of the time, none of the women I've met were single or poly anyway.

I eventually reached a point where I realized that if it was possible, something would have happened by now.
 
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Hello bannerman,

From what you've posted here so far, and especially your latest post, it seems to me like you have taken some psychological damage, first from your ultra-conservative upbringing, and then from the toxic woman you were partnered with. I suppose you were already introverted to begin with, and then pile all that psychological damage on top of it, and it is no wonder that you are having a hard time finding anyone to be your poly girlfriend now. I mean, even in the monogamous world, it is hard for an average person to find love. Now, add to that the fact that you are looking for a polyamorous partner, plus the psychological damage you've received, and it should be no surprise that you're finding the endeavor to be next to impossible.

We'll of course keep trying to help you on this forum, but in addition to that, do you think there's any chance that you could get some individual therapy/counseling from a professional? Heck, it's possible that there's even some kind of prescription medication out there that could help you. I take Zyprexa and I know it helps me. Everyone has a unique (brain and) body chemistry, so you would need the help of a professional to figure out what (if anything) would work for you. I don't know what your financial situation is, maybe you could get some therapy on a sliding scale or for free from a psych student at a reasonably nearby university. I don't mean to tell you what to do, I am just reaching around for any possible thing that could help. You do seem to need more self-confidence, and more of an outgoing nature, and those may not be things you can acquire just on your own. Hopefully that makes sense.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I've been to many therapists and been on medications over the years. None it helped me to find a girlfriend.

At my age, its too late anyway.
 
I truly believe that it's never too late. At age 57, going on 58, I thought my days of finding a new girlfriend were long since past. Yet, just recently, I have found a spark lighting up between me and a wonderful woman, and while it's very long-distance, it blesses my life and brings me much happiness. I wasn't looking for love; love found me. And I'm no extravert. So don't lose hope yet. Heck, Magdlyn is much older than me, and she has found love in her life. I truly believe that it's never too late.

If therapy and prescription meds can't help you, then maybe this forum can. I'm not ready to give up hope so early in the game.
 
Well, I think maybe your dating situation can be improved with more self-confidence, and more of an outgoing nature. Can you be more outgoing? If you could, that would help. I see that you are feeling very hopeless about your situation. I think you have to have hope, before you can make any progress. Can you feel somewhat more hopeful? I know your past experiences have added up to a hopeless feeling, but I fervently believe that it's never too late.
 
I just don't know. Just by numbers, shouldn't someone have expressed interest in me at some point by now?

I feel like I missed out when I was young. And now, even if I do meet someone one day, I will still never have been with any woman under 40. All the women I know have children that are already 18 or older by my age. And that freaks me out.
 
Well try not to get too hung up on the age thing; age is just a number. I got married in 1987, I was 21 years old, and my wife was over twice my age. So I don't take a lot of stock in that aspect, I think it's more important just to find someone you love, and who loves you. Regardless of age.

I think you are judging the past without taking into account how damaged you were psychologically. I don't know if you're aware of how much of a hit your self-confidence has taken over the years. Women tend to be more attracted to self-confident men. When a woman meets a man who lacks self-confidence, she may pity him, but she isn't so likely to find him attractive. That's why I say you've got to have hope. Without hope, you are just someone to be pitied, not someone to be loved romantically.
 
bannerman said:
But I was hoping to hook up while I was there. After the program ended, A few of us got together spent the final evening touring around Warsaw. At the end of the night, I thought now would be the time if I wanted to ask a lady if she was interested in hooking up, but I did not know how to do so without coming across as a creep.
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There's no way to cold call someone goes a hook up without coming over as somewhat unusual
 
kdt26417 said:
Women tend to be more attracted to self-confident men. When a woman meets a man who lacks self-confidence, she may pity him, but she isn't so likely to find him attractive. That's why I say you've got to have hope. Without hope, you are just someone to be pitied, not someone to be loved romantically.
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Confidence isn't something I can order from Amazon or buy a bucket of from Wal-Mart. People develop confidence from achieve successes. I can't just magically manifest confidence when all I've ever experienced is failure after failure. it's feedback loop that causes me to become less and less confident, making it even more impossible for anyone to ever find me attractive. And I passed the event horizon long ago.
 
bannerman said:
I never said I'm non-white. I have pale skin and blue eyes.
Besides, not being white has never stopped anyone I've ever known from dating in America.
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The research says otherwise.

Whiteness is relative. When people say white, they usually mean from an Anglo background. They mean from a Christian background. Speaking another language or practicing another religion makes you less white. You're in the Bible Belt and seeking an alternative relationship style.
 
kdt26417 said:
I truly believe that it's never too late. At age 57, going on 58, I thought my days of finding a new girlfriend were long since past. Yet, just recently, I have found a spark lighting up between me and a wonderful woman, and while it's very long-distance, it blesses my life and brings me much happiness. I wasn't looking for love; love found me. And I'm no extravert. So don't lose hope yet. Heck, Magdlyn is much older than me, and she has found love in her life. I truly believe that it's never too late.
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Hey, I'm not much older! I'm only 67. Watch it, buddy. ;)

I was 53 when I separated from my husband of 30 years. But I'd had sex with 11 people before I became mono with him. One summer I dated three guys at once. I have had lots of dating success before and after my marriage. But I am open and outgoing, confident and flirty.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
The research says otherwise.
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I'd like to see the research that shows that BIPOC people do not date, mate and marry at the same rates as Caucasians. I don't know why that would be. People are people.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Whiteness is relative. When people say white, they usually mean from an Anglo background. They mean from a Christian background. Speaking another language or practicing another religion makes you less white.
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I think it does depend on a person's innate personality and confidence a lot, though. It would certainly help to live in a more racially diverse city, such as Portland, Oregon, for example.

And soon white people will not be in the majority in the US, although again, the rural areas will tend to remain more white, conservative, fundamentalist Christian.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
You're in the Bible Belt and seeking an alternative relationship style.
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That definitely makes things more difficult.
 
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