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Hanger916

New member
Hello and thank you for allowing me to be here and provide a informative resource.
I’m new to all of this. I recently met someone who is poly. She is an amazing person. Far beyond anyone else I’ve ever met. She has been very honest with me from the start. Telling me EVERYTHING she can tell and being very open about it.

I’ve had about all I can take from monogamous dating. It all seems so mundane and you go through the motions. But I had no clue of this world until I met her. She is so happy and free and is always attentive to me. She makes it a point to tell me things that I’m really not used to hearing. Positive things. She schedules with me and makes sacrifices in her life to accommodate my schedule. I’ve never met anyone so absolutely joyous to be around

I have many fears. I’m in my mid 50s and have lived what some may call a hard life. As you can probably imagine, I am very guarded. Very guarded. I have been struggling with the idea of not being alone in this relationship with her. I’ve kinda accepted that and it’s getting better everyday. My questions are how to cope? How to make this good for her as well as myself? What can I do to ensure that this person is happy? I’m sorry for rambling but I’m only about a month into this. So questions have been plentiful

Thank you
 
Hello Hanger916,

It sounds like you have had a joyous introduction to the poly world, if there could be a perfect poly woman, this would be her. It is great that she is sharing everything with you, she understands how important communication and transparency are. It is also obvious to me that she is a very generous person, she is very giving towards you. So you are very happy with her, you are very happy, yet you are also very anxious inside. You are very enthused to try poly, yet sharing her scares you. After all, you only have a month of experience with poly so far. So it is understandable why you might be guarded/afraid. Here are some resources that may help you:

You'll need to sit down and ask yourself, what's at the root of your fears about poly? What kinds of things are you afraid might happen? If those things did happen, how would you respond? Be honest with her about the things that scare you. Express appreciation to her for being understanding towards you. Ask her what you can do to make this a better relationship for her. And then ask yourself, are you afraid she'll find someone she enjoys more, and leave you for them? She is in charge of her own happiness, and is responsible to let you know if there's something she needs from you. You don't have to be a mind-reader.

Anyway, those are some thoughts and resources.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hanger916 said:
Hello, and thank you for allowing me to be here and providing a informative resource.

I’m new to all of this. I recently met someone who is poly. She is an amazing person, far beyond anyone else I’ve ever met. She has been very honest with me from the start, telling me EVERYTHING she can tell and being very open about it.

I’ve had about all I can take from monogamous dating. It all seems so mundane. You just go through the motions. But I had no clue of this world until I met her. She is so happy and free and is always attentive to me. She makes it a point to tell me things that I’m really not used to hearing, positive things. She schedules with me and makes sacrifices in her life to accommodate my schedule. I’ve never met anyone so absolutely joyous to be around.

I have many fears. I’m in my mid 50s and have lived what some may call a hard life. As you can probably imagine, I am very guarded. I have been struggling with the idea of not being alone in this relationship with her. I’ve kinda accepted that and it’s getting better every day.

My questions are how do I cope? How to make this good for her as well as for myself? What can I do to ensure that this person is happy?
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One thing we learn in poly is, we are each responsible for our own happiness. We all must own our own feelings. It's not your job to "make" your new gf happy. It's not her job to "make" you happy.

That said, respect is of course, important. Being kind and gracious and generous, without being a doormat. Speak your truth and listen to hers. Be as open as you can.

Being open doesn't mean giving TMI. You shouldn't tell her everything about someone else you're dating, for example. That other person deserves privacy and discretion. You can talk about your feelings of poly dating, as can new gf (who needs a nickname). But she can be discreet about things her other partner does or likes or feels. She shouldn't be giving you a play by play of sex stuff, for example. Or spill everything about her other partner's emotional or mental health. Does that make sense?

Calendars are very important. Ask for what you desire and need. But she's not obligated to give you everything you need. She can choose to meet your needs, or not, and vice versa.

There's this thing called the relationship escalator. In one-on-one dating it usually/often goes from first date all the way to living together, pooling finances, marriage, kids, getting a house together, growing old, retirement together, etc. In the poly world you may choose to only go so far up the escalator, and be perfectly fine with that.
 
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Hello all. I’d like to give an update..

To say anxiety hasn’t plagued me in the past 2 months would be an understatement. I know this part takes some getting used to, so hopefully I can overcome it based on time.

She has confessed her love to me. And I have to her. She is the most wonderful person I have ever met and shows me things that I’ve never had seen or felt in my life. She is attentive and caring. Just a good woman in my eyes.

She said something to me the other day that kind of struck me as “odd” from what I have understood about polyamory.

She told me that I was the piece that solved her life’s puzzle. She says she’s stopped looking for others. I’m perplexed as to exactly what she’s saying.
 
Hi Hanger,
Thanks for that update.

It sounds like you don't know what she's saying when she says, she's stopped looking for others. That you are the piece that solved her life's puzzle. What does that mean?

I think it means that even though she is still open to other relationships, there is something about you that she finds extra satisfying; so, she does not need to look for others, she is, "poly-saturated." I am assuming she already has at least one other partner? Is that correct?

It is okay to ask her for clarification on anything she says that is confusing to you. You don't have to be a mind-reader. Just ask her. "You say that I am the piece that solved your life's puzzle. What does that mean?"

She may have answers that would surprise you.
Hopefully that helps,
Kevin T.
 
Ah. You see, two partners can be all she can handle, "poly-saturated" means that maybe you have more than one partner, but however many partners you have, it's the most you can have if you want to give each partner the time and attention that they need. In her case, two might be the "magic number." Three might be too much.

In addition, she may find you to be an extra-satisfying partner, so that if she has you, her search for more partners is over, she has enough with you and with the partner she already had. But you don't have to rely on my guesswork, go ahead and ask her for clarification. Just say, "I don't understand. Can you go into more detail?"

Communication, communication, communication.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin!! There are a lot of questions that I do want to ask. Problem is that I don’t want to beat a dead horse with it if that makes sense. I also think that she is a bit reserved about telling her feelings so I don’t want to press. I.e. I don’t wanna screw this up
 
Well you can't always communicate in great detail with every partner; some partners you have to do some guesswork based on whatever they do say, and hopefully you get it right. Just remember, it's not your responsibility to be a mind-reader. Sometimes you have to ask for clarification.

In your case, I think it is a combination of, she's poly-saturated with two partners, and, she's extra satisfied with you and doesn't feel the need to look for a third partner. I take it she just has two partners right now? you and one other guy? or does she have three partners? Just checking.

This is all new to you, so cut yourself some slack.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
My main problem is that to me it dating another partner would feel like “going thru the motions”. If that makes sense.
 
You mean you wouldn't feel anything for a second partner? Like you'd say, "Blah, I already have a partner. What on earth am I supposed to do with a second partner?"
 
I don’t think I could allow myself to want something else when what I have is so good. It would be like doing something wrong or betrayal. I’ve had that done to me. I know there’s no jealousy but it still gets me
 
You are, perhaps, having a hard time wrapping your mind around the difference between polyamory and cheating. They both seem the same to you, they are both a betrayal. Can your partner have another partner without that feeling like a betrayal to you? You did say (in your first post) that you were tired of monogamous dating. What's the alternative?
 
The alternative to me was to just simply stop. I was pretty tired of not finding what I wanted in a person. Until I met this woman. She brought everything to me that I’ve always looked for. For me, yes, it seems like I would be cheating. But for her it seems like it’s not. At first I thought it was just a way for someone to not be held accountable for their actions. But it turns out that’s not the case. That’s not the way she’s wired. And yes, I’m having a very hard time wrapping my head around that. She is helping me, helping me a lot. She tells me that it doesn’t work that way for her. She tells me that I’m equal. I believe her. I guess the reason that I have a hard time is because I’ve never experienced anything like this. I know I sound negative, but honestly I’d do anything for this woman.
 
And yes, she has another partner now. But to me it does not feel like she’s “cheating “. I feel as I’m an outsider
 
Only you can actually change your perspective on that, and it's entirely possible that time will actually take care of that anyway. She's attentive, loving, caring, and thinks you're so fantastic that she's stopped looking for anyone else right now (this may or may not change later, but if it does, it's not because you're any less fantastic).

So the main difference between you and her other partner is you're new. You haven't had time to settle into this relationship yet and feel like you and her have your own "inside". Of course you're an outsider to the part of her life that's shared with a partner that has more history. But you're in the process of making your own history with her. Your own inside jokes, shared experiences, ways of being together. You're still getting inside her life as she is getting inside yours. Time. Time will deepen that sense of being truly together and you no longer being an outsider. And there's actually no rush. The early stages of a relationship are fun and worth cherishing for exactly that process.
 
Thank you for such helpful words. Yes, I believe you’re exactly right. Time. She often tells me to live in the day and enjoy what’s in front of me. What the future holds is always unpredictable. She asked me to listen to the song patience (gnr). I think she’s telling me the same as you. Let life find a way. And I never thought about the “history “. We barely have any yet but we are making that every day. She makes time for me, daily. Sometimes all day. Sees me 2-3 times per week. Hell when I was dating someone who was monogamous, I’d never see them that often. It’s a totally different way of a love life.

I’m thinking that I need to do a lot of work on myself and let time sink in.
 
I don't know if this helps you any.

Polyamory is not automatically cheater proof. One can cheat on their poly agreements. The poly agreements though are not usually based around "you will not see anyone but me." They are built on other things. Because it IS ok to see other people, have other poly partners. Of course, in monogamy or polyamory, there are people who say whatever and promise whatever with no intention on keeping their Word. Agreements made in bad faith. But in general? Mono or poly? People making agreements are trying to keep them. Because if they don't want to? It's just easier not to agree in the first place.

It's sounds like you and her have made some agreements. It sounds like things are going ok. It is not cheating if you want to date someone else. If you are not in the mood to date more people, if you are happy just dating her, that's fine too. You are not obligated to ALSO have another partner if you don't have the inclination, time, or energy for that. It's ok to be an endpoint in a "V."

She told me that I was the piece that solved her life’s puzzle. She says she’s stopped looking for others. I’m perplexed as to exactly what she’s saying.
Click to expand...

Which confused you. It's ok to ask her what she means by that.

Maybe she means her dance card is full. She's happy with you and the other partner and she wants to stop there. Just 2 partners and that's enough.


The alternative to me was to just simply stop. I was pretty tired of not finding what I wanted in a person. Until I met this woman. She brought everything to me that I’ve always looked for. For me, yes, it seems like I would be cheating. But for her it seems like it’s not. At first I thought it was just a way for someone to not be held accountable for their actions.
Click to expand...

Did it ever occur to you that some people practice polyamory not because they want less commitments, but MORE commitments? MORE accountability?

I guess the reason that I have a hard time is because I’ve never experienced anything like this. I know I sound negative, but honestly I’d do anything for this woman.
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It's ok to be new. You sound like you enjoy her company and are enjoying the relationship. Could let it unfold naturally and see how it goes.

It's ok if things feel different -- it IS different than how you dated in the past. So long as all the people consent to be here and are willing to weather out the transition time? Give it time.

And yes, she has another partner now. But to me it does not feel like she’s “cheating “. I feel as I’m an outsider
Click to expand...

Well, you and her just got started. That leg of the triangle has just started to grow. It's ok that it is not the same amount of time as her + him over in the other leg.

Galagirl
 
I'm glad you're having a good time with her, and willing to give a poly woman a shot. In our Western culture today, we women have quite a bit more power than in earlier times. We still live in a patriarchy, but things are improving.

One thing that's happening is that marriage is becoming less common. Marriage is a social structure of the patriarchy, meant to support men in raising children that "belong" to them, and to no other man. Therefore, women's sexuality has been controlled for a long long time. Nowadays, with birth control being available, and a bit more social support, marriage is not as necessary. Also, many women can make a living wage and not NEED a man to support them.

Women young and old are more and more wary of the commitment of marriage. And now we are even less willing to commit to any one man, married or not. Or, to put it another way, we can commit to multiple loving relationships (yeah, with men maybe, or with women, or with other genders). I've read reports about senior citizens, where men want marriage, or at least to live together (gaining a cook and housekeeper, you know?) and the women are all, "Nah. No thanks. I'll stay independent in my nice abode."
 
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