Hello everyone. My name is Barry. I am a 43-year-old male. I have been married for 16 years. Last week, I found out the hard way my wife is also in love with another man. She would like to enter a polyamorous relationship. After much, much talking, I have set ground rules, for now, like no meeting. I am here to learn and seek advice. It is nice to meet you all.
New, lost & looking for advice
- Thread starter barry0922
- Start date
Welcome.
Not sure what advice you might need. Kinda depends on your situation.
What does this mean? What made it hard for you?
How you proceed might depend on what that all was.
And then there's the soul searching you may have to do. Like...
Not sure what advice you might need. Kinda depends on your situation.
What does this mean? What made it hard for you?
- Like she's not cheating on agreements but she's got a crush on some guy?
- Or like she's been cheating on agreements because she's been having a secret cheating affair with some guy?
- Something else?
How you proceed might depend on what that all was.
And then there's the soul searching you may have to do. Like...
- Do you prefer your romances to be monogamous?
- Do you even want to be involved in an open/poly thing?
I thought everything was fine. she called me to her desk to answer a question and her phone lit up. and I saw a message from another man.
after much talking, she would like to try this. I do not know, all I know is I love her and I know she still loves me. and I could not forgive myself if I did not even try with her. We can't get into a special couple therapist till next month. So I am just trying to learn from people
after much talking, she would like to try this. I do not know, all I know is I love her and I know she still loves me. and I could not forgive myself if I did not even try with her. We can't get into a special couple therapist till next month. So I am just trying to learn from people
Greetings Barry,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I guess my initial advice would be to stick with the ground rule of no meeting until next month when you can get into the special couple's therapist. In the meantime, you should read as much as you can about poly, and do some hard thinking about whether poly is something you can stand in your life. Yes, you love your wife. You do not want to give up easily on your marriage. But what happens if you try poly and it just leads to you resenting her? What if she even ends up resenting you (due to the restrictions)? Is that how you want to live for the rest of your life? What if all that resentment leads to a divorce anyway? Then you will have a messy divorce in which the two of you can't salvage a friendship with each other. That's one of the risks you take, if you try poly when it violates your core values.
It sounds like your wife hasn't gotten physically involved with this other man, she has perhaps just been having an emotional affair with him. And maybe not even that, maybe she is just in love with him, but hasn't told him as much. If so, that is a positive sign. It means she is trying to respect your wishes.
Here is some reading material to get you started on poly:
I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I guess my initial advice would be to stick with the ground rule of no meeting until next month when you can get into the special couple's therapist. In the meantime, you should read as much as you can about poly, and do some hard thinking about whether poly is something you can stand in your life. Yes, you love your wife. You do not want to give up easily on your marriage. But what happens if you try poly and it just leads to you resenting her? What if she even ends up resenting you (due to the restrictions)? Is that how you want to live for the rest of your life? What if all that resentment leads to a divorce anyway? Then you will have a messy divorce in which the two of you can't salvage a friendship with each other. That's one of the risks you take, if you try poly when it violates your core values.
It sounds like your wife hasn't gotten physically involved with this other man, she has perhaps just been having an emotional affair with him. And maybe not even that, maybe she is just in love with him, but hasn't told him as much. If so, that is a positive sign. It means she is trying to respect your wishes.
Here is some reading material to get you started on poly:
- How to Love a Polyamorist
- Poly FAQ
- Loving More FAQ
- As someone who is monogamous, how can I be okay with the fact that my girlfriend is polyamorous, and how can I get over my feelings of inadequacy?
- What If I Get Jealous?
- Are You in Poly Hell?
I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Belladonna16
New member
Hi Barry0922 - I'm sure this situation is overwhelming, particularly if you have only practiced monogamy in your marriage. In 1999, I gathered my courage and told my husband that I was still very attracted to women and that I didn't want to die without understanding that part of myself. We had a long conversation about it in which he expressed his greatest fears. I addressed those fears with commitments on my part. Then I began to post online, looking to meet someone with whom I could explore a relationship. Soon after that, I met a woman who was 15 years younger than me but willing and interested. Much to my great surprise I fell very much in love with her. Being "in love" is an intoxicating state and hard to conceal from the people who know you best. My husband confronted me and asked me if I was in love with her. Again, I gathered my courage and said, "I am in love with her, and it doesn't change one wit the love I feel for you." For some men, introducing the notion that your spouse may have a sexual and perhaps romantic relationship with another man is very threatening. While I don't believe gender should matter, it does to many people. From our experience, it was easier for my husband to accept and support my journey with women than it would have been to do that if I was proposing to be with another man. I'm fairly certain he would have served me with papers. We took that journey together for many years (1999 - 2013). We had the help of a very competent couple's therapy who helped us navigate the practice of polyamory (ethical non-monogamy). My personal belief is that we all have more capacity for love than we realize - love in many forms. I learned that about myself. On the other hand, I have limited capacity to maintain attention, time and presence in relationships - a definite limit in that way. My husband also had two relationship outside our marriage during this period - with women. We were very clear about our commitment to our marriage and honest with partners about it. It was a rich period of our lives filled with adventures and abundant love. More than anything, jealousy (fear based) is the primary challenge in the practice of polyamory. From my experience, one practicing has to be brave enough to confront one's fears. Many people choose to practice monogamy in order to limit the rising of fear in relationship. But it is a form of delusion that being monogamous guarantees a successful relationship. Even monogamous relationships and marriages fail. I wish you great love for each other, open communication and the help of a good couple's therapist if you choose to embark on this journey.
You said you are setting rules up for your wife. You do not want her to "meet" her crush in person, it seems. So, it sounds like somehow she met this guy online and they've been talking long enough to "fall in love." She is having a cyber emotional affair, perhaps.
If you saw a therapist, they would ask you questions about your own feelings and needs, and the feelings and needs of your wife that were not being fulfilled by you. You could ask your wife what she needed that you didn't provide. Maybe you've been on auto pilot with each other for some time. Maybe you don't make enough time for each other, to have romance, go on fun dates, go on day trips, weekends away, vacations, to explore other areas and share things and learn and grow together.
Then again, maybe you are great, you have exciting passionate lives together but your wife just wants variety. It is, after all, the spice of life. Marriages in humanity's past often only lasted 15 years. You'd get married at 17, 15 or 18, and be dead at 32. Nowadays we might get married at 30 and live until we're 80. Marriages therefore have to keep pace with the massive growth and changes we all go through between adolescence, maturity and old age.
If you saw a therapist, they would ask you questions about your own feelings and needs, and the feelings and needs of your wife that were not being fulfilled by you. You could ask your wife what she needed that you didn't provide. Maybe you've been on auto pilot with each other for some time. Maybe you don't make enough time for each other, to have romance, go on fun dates, go on day trips, weekends away, vacations, to explore other areas and share things and learn and grow together.
Then again, maybe you are great, you have exciting passionate lives together but your wife just wants variety. It is, after all, the spice of life. Marriages in humanity's past often only lasted 15 years. You'd get married at 17, 15 or 18, and be dead at 32. Nowadays we might get married at 30 and live until we're 80. Marriages therefore have to keep pace with the massive growth and changes we all go through between adolescence, maturity and old age.
I am still not clear, but will leave how you want to tell your story to you.
If you want to read some things, you could try
www.kathylabriola.com
Opening Up Book and some of the worksheets from it
Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist
Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships
Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change
Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation
If this situation involved any cheating? That's going to add another layer to it. I encourage you to talk to the counselor. I don't know if these links would help you any.
Galagirl
If you want to read some things, you could try
Practical Polyamory
Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com
kathylabriola.com
Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
www.kathylabriola.com
Opening Up Book and some of the worksheets from it
Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist
Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships
Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change
Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation
If this situation involved any cheating? That's going to add another layer to it. I encourage you to talk to the counselor. I don't know if these links would help you any.
Transitioning from Cheating to Polyamory
Transitioning from cheating on a monogamous partner to an honest polyamorous relationship
web.archive.org
Coping With Infidelity
How to cope with learning that your partner has cheated on you
web.archive.org
Galagirl
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