New poly-relationship has me in crisis!

Danielsen said:
I just botched things in the bedroom and I never have before, so I don't know how to feel like it's all going to be okay. I just feel like I am screwing everything up.
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Danielsen, in all the time you and your wife have been together, the sex has always been smashingly, wonderfully perfect? Never fumbled, never been derailed by a leg cramp, never been distracted by stuff from your day? You've never come too soon, never lost an erection, never fucked for a long time but couldn't come, and she never experienced not coming, never was over-stimulated, and never had an orgasm that was a tiny blip instead of earth-shattering? Never? That sounds a bit impossible to me - are you sure you're not having some selective memory?

I say this because it's just normal for people to not be on the same page every time they have sex. I would hazard a guess that things haven't always been perfect for her, but it didn't matter because she loves you. You're seeing things as not great because you are focused on being perfect and getting it right - basically because you are competing with her other lover in your head. I suggest you just accept that you and he are different with different styles of lovemaking. And, when you are having sex, instead of focusing on doing it better or getting it back to the way things were, focus on the pleasure you feel in that moment. Moment by moment by moment, just tune in to the sensations, the noises, connecting, etc., and stop trying to prove something.

You might want to lighten up a bit and not view sex as something so, so serious. Have you ever laughed during sex? If not, maybe you should. The best sex involves a sense of humor, and a lighthearted attitude. There's a saying from an ad for a sex toy shop that goes something like: "Don't be afraid to laugh and make a mess."

And, besides all that, why do you automatically think it is your "fault" alone if things don't go "the way they used to?" Women tend to be thinkers and usually need to be in the right frame of mind to really enjoy sex - maybe she's distracted by all these new developments in her romantic life, maybe she has stuff from her daily life on her mind, maybe she was tired, and so on. It takes two, so stop blaming yourself.

Each of us is totally responsible for our own satisfaction and enjoyment of sex and pleasure. My sense is that your insecurities and competing is keeping you from fully enjoying it these days. If she's not enjoying sex with you fully, then she needs to see what it is that she's doing that is keeping her from that enjoyment, whether it is being lost in her thoughts or not directing you to what she likes/wants, or any number of things.
 
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Going back to what Len said... for him and his wife, finding someone they both love to have a poly relationship with clearly worked.

However, the idea that that's the "best" way to do poly (and I'm not saying Len says it is, though I think he has said that in the past) ignores the fact that not everyone is bisexual, and not everyone is polyamorous.

I'm straight. There is no way in hell I would have sex with another woman. That's MY personal preference, not a statement on other sexualities (I've been called homophobic in the past for saying I'm not sexually interested in other females...)

Hubby is straight AND monogamous. There's no way he would want another woman involved with us as a couple, and there's no way he would accept a sexual relationship with another guy.

Therefore, finding someone we *both* love to have a poly relationship with would be pretty damn close to impossible.
 
Good points KC43 (and the others).
 
nycindie said:
You might want to lighten up a bit and not view sex as something so, so serious. Have you ever laughed during sex? If not, maybe you should. The best sex involves a sense of humor, and a lighthearted attitude. There's a saying from an ad for a sex toy shop that goes something like: "Don't be afraid to laugh and make a mess"
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This is really good advice, as the husband of a polyamorous women my experience so far is that over thinking the sex, over worrying about what she does or enjoys with her lover, trying to be competitive with her lover etc make the sex more difficult. Concentrating on her and your enjoyment and what you do and she does well, and concentrating on the moment will IMHO work better. Trying to sexually compete with a partners other lover is an absolute guarantee to cause anxiety and less enjoyment for all.

Also its true, as mentioned above, if your sex session doesn't go as well as desired its probably nothing to do with polyamory - it happens to us all from time to time.
 
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I was wondering, did any of your relationships suffer from diminished intimacy time because of anther lover in the picture. It's not a hard stretch to think that with two lovers the sex for one might not be as frequent because she is only one woman after all. If he is over a lot which he is, I'm concerned that that might impede the potential spontaneity of sex that we use to enjoy.
 
Not mine. There was a time that I was having sex 15 times a week between my two guys. Likewise nate can have sex 3 times a day and him being with other women didn't hamper our sex life
 
Danielsen said:
I was wondering, did any of your relationships suffer from diminished intimacy time because of anther lover in the picture. It's not a hard stretch to think that with two lovers the sex for one might not be as frequent because she is only one woman after all. If he is over a lot which he is, I'm concerned that that might impede the potential spontaneity of sex that we use to enjoy.
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In short no, in fact quite the opposite, the sex has increased and become more passionate. I think, the liberation Angel feels with being open about her polyamory has had a very positive effect. These days I'm more worried about keeping up with her!
 
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Danielsen said:
I was wondering, did any of your relationships suffer from diminished intimacy time because of anther lover in the picture. It's not a hard stretch to think that with two lovers the sex for one might not be as frequent because she is only one woman after all.
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You get a very good answer to that question if you check out a thread that I have started recently. I was astonished by the responses I got, especially from the women here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73898

Danielsen said:
If he is over a lot which he is, I'm concerned that that might impede the potential spontaneity of sex that we use to enjoy.
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Spontaneity might be hampered. Time will tell you if that really does reduce your joy. I wouldn't bet on it.
 
It's not a hard stretch to think that with two lovers the sex for one might not be as frequent because she is only one woman after all.
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It is also possible to imagine that the sex would increase.

I gently suggest you stop ruminating on things and just be present and deal with actualities. Learn to stop the "what if?" thing that goes off into future stuff that may not come to pass. It upsets you.

If he is over a lot which he is, I'm concerned that that might impede the potential spontaneity of sex that we use to enjoy.
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That is a separate question than "how much sex will I get?" That is about HOW the sex might happen. Could you ask wife to schedule time for you during this transition? Because if you have x days in the week GUARANTEED, and BF has his y days in a week? Then the sex can spontaneously happen then. You can relax knowing that spontaneity can still happen. You are not going to be left out or left behind.

You seem to be struggling with a lot of fear based sexual jealousy type thoughts that provoke anxieties. This article covers that as core belief #1

Core Belief #1

If my partner really loved me, (s)he wouldn’t have any desire for a sexual relationship with anyone else.
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And suggests working to replace it with

New Core Belief #1

My partner loves me so much that (s)he trusts our relationship to expand and be enriched by experiencing even more love from others.
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Right now you are trying to predict outcome before it happens and to be honest? Nobody knows how it will play out for you. Nobody is a fortune teller. Not even you. You cannot know a thing before it happens. Likely it will be fine. Your wife sounds like she's trying to work with you.

You sound like you are working against you with all the ruminating behavior. You might want to focus on solving that behavior. Are you good at talking yourself down or cranking yourself up? How about good at self-validating? Self-reassuring? Focusing on BEHAVIORS done/not done when you veer off into wonky thoughts because behaviors are concrete?

Could poly counseling help you reduce or stop that ruminating thing? Help you work on changing core beliefs? Help you better manage your fears? Jealousy?

Changes can be challenging. But you don't have to make them even harder by ADDING more stuff to the load. Seek to TAKE AWAY from your burden, not pile more on.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Danielsen said:
I was wondering, did any of your relationships suffer from diminished intimacy time because of anther lover in the picture. It's not a hard stretch to think that with two lovers the sex for one might not be as frequent because she is only one woman after all. If he is over a lot which he is, I'm concerned that that might impede the potential spontaneity of sex that we use to enjoy.
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I'm the female in the relationship, but it hasn't happened to me. Blue & I have sex every day, frequently twice. That doesn't change when he's with another partner. For me, the more sex I have, the more that I want it. And, sex with every partner is different so having it frequently with one doesn't mean you won't want it with the other.
 
Women are not like men in that regard. We can have lots of sex again and again in the same day. We don't run out of steam like a guy does because he has to wait a little while before he can cum again. Women are multi-orgasmic. There's no fluids that need to buildup before we can climax. Except for maybe some achy legs and rawness that can happen, we can go again immediately afterwards. And again and again. If only you knew how often I have to recharge my vibrator. :D
 
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Free liberated self-directed women are the most likely ones to have high sex drives and to be multi or mega orgasmic, and to also be able to release enough during sex to ejaculate.

Men have feared women's high capacity for sex and for orgasm for millenia. Much of the patriarchy has been focused on keeping women chaste. Teaching women that they shouldn't, or even can't, enjoy sex has been going on for a long long long-ass time.

In recent history, we all know the proper Victorian wife-to-be was taught that sex was something she wouldn't like, but she should lie back and do it for her husband, to conceive children for him. Therefore, most Victorian wives seemed to hate and avoid sex, unless absolutely necessary.

The porn industry, "French postcards" and the like, mushroomed. Whores were much in demand. Good girls didn't give or receive oral sex, but whores would.

Since women were so repressed sexually, they often felt sick from lack of enjoyment of sex. An odd industry sprang up during the early 19th century. Some doctors advertised their services to manipulate women digitally, with jets of water, or finally with newly invented vibrators. They claimed their services would cure "hysteria" and any disease from "neck to knee." Obviously if these women were getting any sex from their husbands, they were not orgasming at all, or enough. This caused irritability, nervousness, lack of sleep, low appetite, faintness, unbidden "sexual desire" (the horror!), and a disturbing "wetness between the legs."

hysterical.png


More here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201303/hysteria-and-the-strange-history-vibrators

Nowadays women are reclaiming their birthright of a full and exciting sex life. Women can have much more sex than a man. We reload after orgasm much more quickly (on average). We can fuck one partner into oblivion and go on and have sex with another, or feel a need to masturbate.

The book Sex at Dawn goes into female sexual response and capacity in good interesting detail (and prehistoric human sexuality in general, showing how promiscuous we are wired to be).

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stra...F8&qid=1428504451&sr=8-1&keywords=sex+at+dawn

Another good book about the true female sexual capacities is Women's Anatomy of Arousal.

http://www.amazon.com/Womens-Anatom...1&keywords=the+womens+guide+to+sexual+arousal

Women's sexuality has been so little studied, compared to men. Women up to the 1960s weren't even aware, often, that they had a clitoris. And it's only in very recent years that we know the clitoris isn't just that button at the top of the labia, but is Y shaped, the erogenous and erectile tissue traveling down into the labia and into the tissue on the topside of the vagina (the so called G spot). Even the "button" area itself has more nerve endings than in the entire penis (especially a circumcised one).

Women are still circumcised in countries where they are less free than in the West. Sometimes their labia and clitoris are all cut off, and the remaining tissue is sewn shut, except for a small opening for pee and menstrual flow. They can still orgasm from tissues deeper inside.

So, yeah. I wouldn't fear that a wife taking on another lover will desire her husband less. "The more you get, the more you want," that is a truism for many modern women.
 
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Re (from Danielsen):
"I was wondering, did any of your relationships suffer from diminished intimacy time because of anther lover in the picture."
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All I can tell you is I handled my NRE poorly. I used the new relationship as a sort of escape from my wife, who was suffering from Alzheimer's and I was becoming less of a husband and more of a caregiver to her. The one thing I really regret is that I wasn't very affectionate towards my wife at that time. If I had a time machine, that's the first thing I'd go back and fix.

But, because I can look back and see my mistakes, it really drives home for me the warning that NRE can be a potent cocktail, not to be imbibed lightly.

Re (from PinkPig):
"For me, the more sex I have, the more that I want it. And, sex with every partner is different so having it frequently with one doesn't mean you won't want it with the other."
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That's really well stated.

Re (from nycindie):
"If only you knew how often I have to recharge my vibrator."
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LOL, :).
 
When I have sex with Hubby, I'm having sex with Hubby.

When I have sex with S2, I'm having sex with S2.

They aren't the same person, so why would having sex with one of them lessen my desire for the other one?
 
nycindie said:
You might want to lighten up a bit and not view sex as something so, so serious. Have you ever laughed during sex? If not, maybe you should. The best sex involves a sense of humor, and a lighthearted attitude. There's a saying from an ad for a sex toy shop that goes something like: "Don't be afraid to laugh and make a mess."
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I think this, like many things, is a "depends on the person" sort of faux truism - I understand why people say this, in an effort to get people to relax and let go, but I sort of hate this thought being out there in the world as if I get a partner who's too silly or lighthearted in bed it freezes me up, takes me out of my body and into my head and the sex frankly sucks. Obviously YMMV...

Danielsen said:
I was wondering, did any of your relationships suffer from diminished intimacy time because of anther lover in the picture... ...I'm concerned that that might impede the potential spontaneity of sex that we use to enjoy.
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I've had a relationship get weird over sex with an outside partner but only because TheKnight was having jealousy issues over kinks I was discovering with my new partner, and over the NRE I was in the throes of. Ironic, given otherwise I was more sexual than I had been in years and if we didn't have a small child we would have been having more sex than ever in our lives. Other lovers don't kill spontaneity. Children do. :(

PinkPig said:
For me, the more sex I have, the more that I want it.
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This is true for me and every female lover, metamour, or friend I've ever discussed the issue with. If that helps. :D
 
Re:
"If *I* get a partner who's too silly or lighthearted in bed it freezes me up, takes me out of my body and into my head and the sex frankly sucks."
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Yeah, me too.
 
Thank you all for your insights they have been really helping me. I'm having a really hard time this morning however. My wife says we are doing well and feels like we're about 80% back to where we once were. I read this article about jealousy and the author suggests picturing your lover with her other lover intimate and isolate the moment where the image bothers you because you can trace that back to an insecurity and that is what needs to be addressed. Well I did this and came to realize that I don't like picturing the two of them because it makes me fear that their love life will replace ours. I am scared she will not need what we once had together intimately anymore because she has him. Our last encounter was not quite comfortable as I stated in our last post. My wife and have since talked about it and I shared with her some of the advice I got from you guys which she said was helpful. I told her we need to accept that things are not going to be easy and that we need to be patient in the bedroom and not take things so seriously. I said all of this and it made sense to her and she shared that she feels guilty because she complicated our sex life with this. I reassured her and it all felt positive, but I know it is her time of the month when she really wants sex and to be touched etc, but we haven't been intimate still since all of this. We have been flirty and fun with each other which has been nice, but it hasn't gone to that next level. Now I'm scared that she is not going to need me sexually anymore and I can't focus. She told me the other night she hasn't fallen out of love with me and that she is still attracted to me but actions speak louder than words right?
 
I think you need to read KC43's last post again. Sex is not a need, or an itch that can be scratched by just anyone. It's not something that belongs at the level of the individual, but exists at the level of the relationship. It's a way for people to connect, in a pleasurable way. Her and him having sex satisfies your (you and her plural) joint need to connect sexually about as well as me watching my girlfriend eat a snickers bar satisfies my hunger. In other words, it doesn't.

Do you think of sex with your wife as being interchangeable with sex offered to you by anyone else? If you got enough of that, would you no longer feel like having sex with your wife? If not, why assume that she feels any differently? If on the other hand you DO feel like sex with her vs. sex with someone else is the same thing (or to use your language, meets the same 'need'), then I'd gently suggest that the pair of you might have bigger issues than those brought about by opening your relationship.
 
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