New poly-relationship has me in crisis!

Danielsen said:
I read this article about jealousy and the author suggests picturing your lover with her other lover intimate and isolate the moment where the image bothers you because you can trace that back to an insecurity and that is what needs to be addressed.
Click to expand...

This ranks up there with some of the WORST advice I have ever read in my life. You don't rid yourself of insecurities by pinpointing their origin and wresting them to the ground. You certainly don't dwell on painful images in efforts to "stare down your fear" or any such nonsense. Insecurities and fears melt away when other more secure, confident and nourishing thoughts are introduced, allowed to take root and spread. That article's author has been watching too much Clockwork Orange. :rolleyes:
 
Yeah I think you're right. I just had a talk with my wife about it and for some clarity. She basically told me that men and women are different in terms of what they need from intimacy. I feel like the sex itself needs to happen in order to feel like we are connecting. She says that we need to be connected emotionally before we can have the sex. In the past it used to be okay in in the mood let's do this. Now it's different and we are not quite there yet so I just need to be patient and continue to have us work on our relationship before the intimacy can happen. I guess I thought we were there but it needs more time still. I get insecure with time but I need to suck it up. She told me that she wants me physically but we need to be connected first. These conversations however don't help she said because in order for us to be connected I need to be right in my head (no longer insecure) because she picks up on that and it kills the desire to be intimate with me which sucks because sometimes to cure my insecurity I need to talk about it.
 
Danielsen said:
I get insecure with time but I need to suck it up.....These conversations however don't help she said because in order for us to be connected I need to be right in my head (no longer insecure) because she picks up on that and it kills the desire to be intimate with me which sucks because sometimes to cure my insecurity I need to talk about it.
Click to expand...

No, you need to find other ways to build up your security that are not dependent on your wife or on anyone but yourself. Your wife is telling you in so many ways that your deep need for security can't possibly be filled by her. You have to secure yourself. Time, sucking it up (whatever that is) and your wife cannot bring the confidence, joy and emotionally fulfilling life that you seek. It's the Hero's Journey, man.
 
Last edited:
HappilyFallenAngel said:
This ranks up there with some of the WORST advice I have ever read in my life. You don't rid yourself of insecurities by pinpointing their origin and wresting them to the ground. You certainly don't dwell on painful images in efforts to "stare down your fear" or any such nonsense. Insecurities and fears melt away when other more secure, confident and nourishing thoughts are introduced, allowed to take root and spread. That article's author has been watching too much Clockwork Orange. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

The "submersion" stuff doesn't help me, but yes, I *do* find it helps me when I wrestle with my insecurities and figure out what their root is (or even if there are multiple parts to it).

For example, if someone gets upset because their partner is leaving for a date, I think it's really important to figure out why. Is it because you don't know how to be alone? Or because you're worried about them enjoying the other person more? The two reasons are different, and actually require very different solutions.

I'm pretty confident at this point that Chops won't leave me in favor of someone else. I'm *still* working on how to be alone, because until I was in my 40s, I never had to be. Ever.

I agree that being more secure about other things can help, but no amount of reassurance that Chops isn't going to leave me is going to fix the "what do I do with myself" anxiety.
 
icesong said:
I think this, like many things, is a "depends on the person" sort of faux truism - I understand why people say this, in an effort to get people to relax and let go, but I sort of hate this thought being out there in the world as if I get a partner who's too silly or lighthearted in bed it freezes me up, takes me out of my body and into my head and the sex frankly sucks. Obviously YMMV...
Click to expand...
Well, to me, having a sense of humor and being willing to laugh in bed with a partner doesn't automatically translate to being silly and goofy and guffawing at everything. It just means not to be so fatalistic when things don't go as one wants. I mean, if I got upset every time I got a cramp in my leg or buttocks during sex, or when I needed to stop because the friction was too much, I'd never fuck again. Instead, I choose to laugh about it, and wait, cuddle, or change positions. One time, a lover and I were going at it so hard and enthusiastically, that I was upside down and hanging off the edge of my bed, with my hands on the floor to support myself. I started laughing at the thought of what we looked like with me in that position. Now, some guys don't have a sense of humor during sex and get upset if/when a woman laughs. Fortunately, my then-lover laughed with me and we had a great time.

That's what I meant by having a sense of humor and not getting too serious over things that happen just because it's sex.
 
Last edited:
nycindie said:
[...] I was upside down and hanging off the edge of my bed, with my hands on the floor to support myself. I started laughing at the thought of what we looked like with me in that position. Now, some guys don't have a sense of humor during sex and get upset if/when a woman laughs. Fortunately, my then-lover laughed with me and we had a great time.

That's what I meant by having a sense of humor and not getting too serious over things that happen just because it's sex.
Click to expand...

Hehehehehe...
Summer is a *great* time for sweaty bodies to start making noises that really, REALLY start me in with the giggles. Thank God Chops does the same. It is impossible to have serious sex when you've just taken armpit farts up to a whole new level (and body part).
 
I read this article about jealousy and the author suggests picturing your lover with her other lover intimate and isolate the moment where the image bothers you because you can trace that back to an insecurity and that is what needs to be addressed. Well I did this and came to realize that I don't like picturing the two of them because it makes me fear that their love life will replace ours.
Click to expand...

Slowing that down in chronological order...

  1. You picture your wife with her lover.
  2. Next you think the (him +her) sex life will replace the (her +you) sex life.
  3. Then you felt afraid.
  4. Then you decide you don't like picturing them together. When it was your doom predicting thought that caused your upset?

Is that how it went? If so you could replace the provoking thought with something else. "Our sex life will be fine" for instance.

You aren't going to feel secure if you spend time thinking doom things. That's not feeding the "secure bucket." That's "feeding the insecure bucket." Which do you want to be feeding? :confused:

Danielson said:
These conversations however don't help she said because in order for us to be connected I need to be right in my head (no longer insecure) because she picks up on that and it kills the desire to be intimate with me which sucks because sometimes to cure my insecurity I need to talk about it.
Click to expand...

You cannot talk with someone else? :confused:

Could the Jealousy workbook help you?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
HappilyFallenAngel said:
This ranks up there with some of the WORST advice I have ever read in my life. You don't rid yourself of insecurities by pinpointing their origin and wresting them to the ground. You certainly don't dwell on painful images in efforts to "stare down your fear" or any such nonsense. Insecurities and fears melt away when other more secure, confident and nourishing thoughts are introduced, allowed to take root and spread. That article's author has been watching too much Clockwork Orange. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

This sounds exactly like Scientology. Its adherents do "audits" in which they have to "clear" upsetting things that are supposedly blocking them from moving forward. This involves extreme scrutiny of the events (some of which supposedly occurred in their past lives.) I think it's a bunch of crap! Editing to add that I meant the bad advice Angel is commenting on sounds like Scientology, not what Angel said. )
 
You really hit the nail on the head when you said that I need to deal with my insecurity on my own and stop trying to put that on my wife. Yeah these are my personal problems she can't fix I just hope that I didn't set things too far back for us having had that talk I did with her. I know she wants me to be secure and I hope she can be patient with me. I keep setting us back by these conversations.
 
Re (from Danielsen):
"She told me the other night she hasn't fallen out of love with me and that she is still attracted to me but actions speak louder than words right?"
Click to expand...

Well yes; it's just that it hasn't necessarily been long enough to draw conclusions from her actions (or lack thereof) so far. Besides, couldn't you initiate the sex from time to time? Have you done so lately? and if you did, did she spurn your advances?

Perhaps this analogy will help. Cedar Point (a really popular amusement park in Sandusky Ohio) currently has 16 rollercoasters and has broken many rollercoaster records for steepest, highest, fastest over the years. One of the rollercoasters is called the Mean Streak. Per Wikipedia: "It opened to the public on May 11, 1991, as the wooden rollercoaster with the world's tallest lift and the longest drop. Although the height record was only held for one season, it is still one of the tallest, fastest, and longest wooden rollercoasters."

Now here's the thing. You can break much bigger records with a steel track, so Cedar Point has plenty of rollercoasters that are much meaner, taller, and faster than the Mean Streak. That being the case, why do they bother keeping the Mean Streak up and running? Space is at a premium as the park is built on a small island, so why not tear the Mean Streak down and replace it with a mind-blowing steel rollercoaster that breaks some new world records?

Well in crude terms, the reason is that the Mean Streak continues to be a very popular ride that attracts a lot of people. Some people like the rattling chaos of the Mean Streak, and some people prefer something less insane than say, the Top Thrill Dragster which (per Wikipedia), "when built in 2003 ... was the first full circuit rollercoaster to exceed 400 feet (120 m) in height, and was the tallest rollercoaster in the world ..."

The Top Thrill Dragster is basically a monstrosity. It shoots straight up (all 400 feet), turns on a dime and shoots straight back down (again all 400 feet). I've ridden it once. I don't think I could do it again.

But why not? If the Top Thrill Dragster is bigger, meaner, and more thrilling than the Mean Streak, why don't I abandon the Mean Streak and ride the Top Thrill Dragster every time? Why don't I skip every other rollercoaster in the park? Why don't I opt for the biggest and the best every time? What, after all, is the point of having 16 rollercoasters in one amusement park? Isn't one rollercoaster -- the biggest and "coolest" one possible -- all any amusement park really needs?

So what's Cedar Point selling with all these rollercoasters? In a word, they're not selling the biggest rush of adrenalin possible; they're selling a wonderful spread of variety. This way you're not riding the same rollercoaster over and over again; you get to mix it up and have every ride be a new and different kind of rush.

Consider that when you ask yourself if your wife no longer wants sex with you because she's got it with this "better cooler" other guy. She wants sex with you because it's you. Same reason why she also wants sex with the other guy: because it's him. Not just because it's sex per se.

You don't have to win some world record contest with the other guy in order to remain on her list of "favorite rides." There's room for both of you on that list.
 
Kevin, not only do I love that analogy, but now I'm totally jonesing for a coaster trip... LOL!
 
I'm wondering what his analogy for the spin-and-puke rides is going to be... ;)

(Okay, okay... sorry to keep derailing the thread. :eek: )
 
BDSM? :)

"Oh hurt me hurt me, spin me and make me puke, I get so hot when you do that to me."

"You've been a bad girl. Time to spin and puke again." "YAYYY!! Uh, oops, I mean, crap."
 
Kevin, that was, perhaps, the single best analogy I've ever seen.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top