New poly relationship, questioning whether I'm actually poly

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laurel-bonfire

New member
Hi everyone,

I had a breakthrough a couple of years ago while reading Ester Perel's State of Affairs––after once again developing feelings for someone outside my relationship––that I might be polyamorous. Prior to reading the last couple of chapters on non-monogamy, it had actually never occurred to me that polyamory was an option. Discovering this was mind-blowing!

Since gradually opening things up with my partner of 10+ years ("John"), I've worked through one unreciprocated infatuation and one two-week-long fling. I'm now in what I would consider a real second relationship with "Paul." I have serious feelings for him and think I want a future with him.

John, my NP, is open to polyamory and dating. Paul has said that he'll try it for a year, but not two years, and that he is not polyamorous. He does not want to share me, but we're giving it a shot. I think he wants to marry me, and I sort of feel the same. He gets a bit surly about things and I'm as sensitive as possible about it.

I've felt pretty convinced up until now that I'm polyamorous, but now that I'm navigating two relationships, I'm starting to wonder whether that's the case at all. Here's an example: Paul and I have reserved a hotel room for next Thursday. I feel fine about it and am really looking forward to it. But this Saturday, for fun and relationship maintenance, John and I decided to reserve a room ourselves, to get away from the kids and routine. I feel unenthusiastic, and almost as if I'm cheating on Paul by doing this. I don't feel very sexually invested in John right now, though I do love him. The hotel room and expectations around it sorta feels like a slog.

Is this just a case of NRE that I need to work through? Are these feelings normal? Is my guilt the result of Paul not wanting to share? Or is it possible that it might reveal that I'm not actually poly? Would love to know what your early experiences have been. I realize that I might not be able to maintain a poly relationship with someone who can't support it (Paul).

Hope that's not too complicated. Looking forward to some feedback -- thank you!
 
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Hello laurel-bonfire,

It certainly complicates things, the fact that you are building a relationship with a man who isn't poly and doesn't want to share you. Essentially, you do not have his consent for a poly arrangement. Well, I guess you have temporary consent -- consent for one year. But in the meantime you are uncomfortably aware of how little he likes this. It doesn't *feel* like consent. Hence your notion that you are "cheating." At the same time, your feelings for John have subsided, and maybe you feel like, instead of dating both John and Paul, you are moving towards Paul and away from John. Like you are choosing Paul over John. Hence your feelings of maybe not being polyamorous. On some subconscious level, you may be preparing yourself to end it with John completely at the end of Paul's "one year."

I'm sure you're experiencing NRE for Paul, and your NRE for John faded out a long time ago as it has been over ten years in that relationship. So Paul is rather bathed in a superior light. This phenomenon doesn't mean by itself that you aren't polyamorous, it is just an unfortunate conjunction of relationship factors. In time, your feelings for Paul will ease down, and then John and Paul might be on the same level for you. But you don't have that kind of time, do you? Paul has set an end date on his poly trial -- namely one year from now. With your NRE for Paul, you may be very urgently looking for a way to keep him beyond that due date, and being monogamous (for him) seems like it might be the only way to keep him. I don't mean that you're not monogamous, I am just looking at it from a certain perspective.

Of course it's possible that by the end of that one-year trial period, Paul will have had a change of heart about polyamory (and about sharing you). Maybe the purpose of the one-year trial period, is to see if he'll have that change of heart -- or even if you'll have a change of heart about poly, and decide you're mono after all. And maybe you're scared that he won't have the change of heart, so you are trying to have a change of heart instead? I don't mean that this would be something you are doing consciously, it might just be happening on some subconscious level. Your NRE for Paul is strong, and you probably don't want to take any chances of losing him. Love is always a gamble: We can't ever be 100% sure that a partner will stay with us for the long haul. A breakup is always a real danger.

If you are monogamous, then you'll certainly have to choose between John and Paul. And with NRE hard at work, it seems obvious that you'll have to choose Paul. How does that make you feel: breaking up with John? Does it make you feel relieved or heartbroken? (or both?) The other thing I recall from your past posts is that you have a history of cheating. Cheating is a kind of nonmonogamous behavior, I don't know whether one can be a cheater and a monogamist at the same time. I am not trying to put you down, I am just analyzing the situation logically. You are questioning whether you are really poly. I am thinking that you are, even though the current circumstances are making it look like you aren't. But that aside, you still have to decide what to do about John, with your waning feelings for him.

These are just points to think on.
Kevin T.
 
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You are the one there. Only you can answer if you actually want polyamory. If this is NRE, you have to learn to manage it. Maybe you are just kinda done with John. I don't think anyone can answer that for you. I don't suggest making big life-changing decisions while in NRE though, because eventually it wears off. I suggest you do some reflection.

I'm now in what I would consider a real second relationship with "Paul." I have serious feelings for him and think I want a future with him.
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Okay.

Paul has said that he'll try it for a year, but not two years, and that he is not polyamorous. He does not want to share me, but we're giving it a shot. I think he wants to marry me, and I sort of feel the same. He gets a bit surly about things and I'm as sensitive as possible about it.
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So he's willing to put up with this for one year and expects you to dump John and be monogamous with him, Paul. Is that YOUR plan too? Or not so much?

But this Saturday, for fun and relationship maintenance, John and I have decided to reserve a room ourselves, to get away from the kids and routine. I feel unenthusiastic and almost as if I'm cheating on Paul by doing this.
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Then why agree to do another hotel thing on the heels of this hotel thing?

I don't feel very sexually invested in John right now, though I do love him. The hotel room and expectations around it sorta feels like a slog.
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Are you taking John for granted, caught up in NRE? Are poly hell things going on?

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Are you just plain TIRED? You don't want to do a romantic sexy hotel thing with Paul only to turn around and do one with John so fast? You want some REST in between, because you aren't a romance/sex-dispenser machine?

Maybe you could do something else with John, so it's not so similar, and do a hotel thing later on, so there's more time and space between the two hotel trips.

Galagirl
 
laurel-bonfire said:
I had a breakthrough a couple of years ago while reading Ester Perel's State of Affairs––after once again developing feelings for someone outside my relationship––that I might be polyamorous.
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I have an opinion you might dislike, and I'm not an accredited relationship expert, anyway, but here it is:

Almost everyone develops feelings for people outside of their monogamous relationships. It's extremely common and natural. This doesn't really give you any information about whether or not you would prefer polyamorous relationships to monogamous ones.

It sounds like your nesting partner, John, is open to polyamory. Your other partner, Paul, is not. So I assume that Paul wants a monogamous relationship with you, i.e. he wants you to stop dating John and only date him, instead.

You said, about Paul: "I have serious feelings for him and think I want a future with him."

So are you planning to break up with John and just be with Paul? Or are you hoping Paul will eventually decide he wants polyamorous relationships, too?

Does John also date? If he does / did, how do / would you feel about it?
 
Honestly? My experience tells me that people who have these types of feelings aren't polyamorous. Yes, I've known people who feel this way. There have even been people on the site that spoke of similar, and they ended up committing to monogamy once they found someone they were compatible with.
 
Odds are you are not going to manage long-term poly r'ships with both John and Paul. Paul definitely doesn't want this arrangement. Does John? Or is he just trying to "go with the flow" to keep his marriage together?

Making a choice sooner might save the entire V a year of unhappiness in limbo. Best of luck.
 
How long have you been seeing Paul?

Did you have strong romantic feelings for John before Paul came into your life, or were you two drifting apart? I don't know if you and John have grown apart and are better off splitting up, or if you're just in early NRE with Paul and experiencing overwhelming hormonal surges towards him, which will eventually calm down, leaving you to return to John (who is actually poly) with more affection and desire once again.

As for feeling like you're cheating on new bf Paul when you date long-term partner John, this is just monogamous programming from our culture. If John consents to you forming other loving relationships, it's not cheating. It's easy to intellectually know this, but harder to emotionally feel it and flow with it, of course.

In the past, I have dated guys who said they were poly, only to be left when they met monogamous women who they felt they could be with one-on-one long term. Two of these guys even assured me they didn't want kids, but ended up with women who already had kids from former relationships! These guys confused "polyamorous" with just typical "dating, looking for Ms Right." In your case, though, Paul has TOLD you he is monogamous, and if you stayed with him, you'd have to be mono too! Why would you agree to that, if you feel like poly is more suited to you? I would guess it's the excitement of being with Paul, in this new and untried relationship. I mean, I guess the sex is very hot, and that can go a long way to making us feel initially bonded. Don't be fooled. If he is strictly mono, you might be extremely unhappy to have committed to him in a couple years, or a few years down the road. Early attraction does not equal long-term compatibility.

I mean this all as kind advice. I am just going on what you have said.

If you haven't, please check out our resource list for more info about how poly progress goes, and how to achieve success.

 
Hi laurel-bonfire,

I have been thinking about your situation, and have come up with an idea: The guy you choose (John or Paul) will tell you whether you are monogamous or polyamorous. Let me explain. John is the "polyamorous partner." He is okay with polyamory, and is fine with sharing you. Paul is the "monogamous partner." He does not want to share you. And let's assume, for a moment, that Paul will be just as monogamous as ever at the end of his one-year trial period. If he is, then you will have to choose between him and John. He won't stand for you seeing both him and John, because he (Paul) doesn't want to share. Paul's monogamous inclination will force you to choose mono or poly. If you choose Paul, you will have to choose monogamy, he won't settle for anything less. If you choose John, you can choose polyamory, as John is okay with that.

So, right this minute, thinking about which man you would choose, is what will tell you whether you are actually poly. John is your poly partner. Paul is your mono partner. Which man will you choose? You can only choose both if, by the end of the one-year trial period, Paul has a change of heart and decides he is okay with poly after all. I guess if you want both men, that suggests that you are poly. But do you want John? Your feelings for him seem to have abated. Perhaps you just want Paul now, and if so, that suggests that you are mono. Of course you must take NRE into account. You won't always feel this strongly towards Paul, just as you no longer feel that strongly toward John. I am assuming, of course, that there was a time when you felt NRE towards John. Anyway, who's it gonna be? John/poly, or Paul/mono? It's totally up to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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Thank you so much, everyone! This is all quite new to me and we're all doing our best to do it "right." I really appreciate them both for being open-minded and open-hearted. For the time being, I'm going to do my best to appreciate the moments I might take for granted with my long-term partner John, and of course enjoy the NRE with Paul. We'll see where we get. I don't have to answer any burning questions now. Six months to a year might be a good length of time to get a better sense of where we're all at.
 
Sounds like a good plan.
 
Hello! Things are moving along in my relationships. John and I have been connecting well and working through some difficult conversations I would have definitely avoided in the past. I'm being honest with him about where I'm at with Paul.

Paul and I have been spending a night, maybe about 24-36 hours in each other's company per week. Long drives and dinners and hotels, real NRE shit, but absolutely wonderful... I'm enjoying every second of it, until it comes to an end and I am dropped off and I feel pulled in two different directions. I don't want to be without either of them! I'm feeling ping-ponged.

Paul may never come around, but I'd like to send him some REALLY GOOD resources-- concise articles for the layperson. Even if he never comes around because he's flat-out monogamous, I would like to at least help him understand where I'm coming from, to make what feels like an inevitable ending less painful for both of us. Any suggestions? Trying to avoid insider talk, and really just help him feel less like a pariah for being involved with me. His approach to relationships is conservative, but he's a progressive, highly intelligent thinker who I would at least like to be able to understand it academically.

Maybe I'll get lucky and I'll come around if he does. (I know my folly.)
 
Why not give Paul the Esther Perel book that opened your eyes, or read it together and discuss the things that spoke to you?
 
Paul may never come around, but I'd like to send him some REALLY GOOD resources--concise articles for the layperson.
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Did he even ask for help with finding these? I guess you could ask him if he's interested in you sending him articles about poly to read, and if he isn't, respect his answer.

I mean, people who ultimately want monogamy with someone sometimes date and play the field. You seem to be existing in that overlap right now, so why would he have to learn anything about poly?

Paul has said that he'll try it for a year, but not two years, and that he is not polyamorous. He does not want to share me, but we're giving it a shot. I think he wants to marry me, and I sort of feel the same. He gets a bit surly about things and I'm as sensitive as possible about it.
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If his expectation is that you will date for a year like this, and ultimately you will pick him or John to settle down with, and that if he's not the one chosen, he'll be out-- he doesn't have to learn anything new about poly for that.

Even if he never comes around because he's flat-out monogamous, I would like to at least help him understand where I'm coming from, to make what feels like an inevitable ending less painful for both of us. Any suggestions?
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If the goal is a peaceful break-up, wouldn't it be more direct to talk it out and read articles about creating peaceful break-ups?

HOW? Like he prefers break-ups in person, over phone, video call, email, text or what? How about you? Which method aligns for both of you? Like, just be done in a simple conversation? Or like, plan some kind of "last date together" and "parting ritual," or something more elaborate?

WHEN? On a Friday after work, so there's the weekend to recover some and not have to go to work the next day? And no break-up texts before work or in the middle of the work day?

WHERE? In a low traffic or private space like a quiet park or coffee shop, and not in a sports stadium or carnival full of people?

Perhaps other things.

There he might be interested. Most people I know don't like drama break-ups, or stressful things. They like knowing what is going on and what to expect.

Trying to avoid insider talk, and really just help him feel less like a pariah for being involved with me.
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WHO is making him feel like a pariah? What behavior are they doing?

His approach to relationships is conservative, but he's a progressive, highly intelligent thinker who I would at least like to be able to understand it academically.
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Maybe he already understands it academically and that's WHY he says he doesn't want it. And so he will only deal in this for a year while you make up your mind.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, just wondering.

Are you in anticipatory grief over this "inevitable ending" down the line? Do you already kinda know you aren't going to pick monogamy with Paul?

Galagirl
 
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I went back and reread your OP and I had the thought that you are dating Paul based on the success you had in opening up your relationship with John after you had your aha moment from that book. So maybe you're thinking you will be able to win Paul over through intellectual discourse, reading resources, etc.

But then again, maybe you're considering that Paul is firmly mono, but you want him to understand YOU anyway, even if you and he break up as romantic partners, but perhaps remain friends.

Personally, after having dated as a poly person for quite a few years, I wouldn't waste my time and emotional energy on dating someone who declares they are mono upfront, and aren't interested in a mono/poly relationship either (one where you are poly and he is mono).

But I hear you're super enjoying the excitement of NRE and not taking much thought for the opposite, the trenches of rejection and breaking up (which seem to me will most likely follow in a year or so). You're loving the romance of getting away from the day-to-day ordinary life with John, and the pleasure of the wining, dining, and sexy hotel nights with the New and Shiny person.
 
Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. I'm still struggling! I'm taking some space (less/no sex/rendezvous) from both partners so I can think without feeling whiplash going between new and old love. That has been really confusing.

I've been told that if a mono person can't accept being with a polyamorous person, then it's best to let them go, or at least be ready for them to be gone. But I don't want that. This feels like a big, important love––we mutually agree. Am I just overly romanticizing things? Hard for me to trust myself after all these years of thinking I was in love with randoms. But I don't want to disregard it as just the fog of NRE. There is an unusual connection that I believe in with Paul––it's like nothing I've felt before. Maybe that's just because I'm older (40s) and the last time I truly connected with someone new (John) I was 30. I'm more myself than ever today. I've evolved. I connect differently. My needs and desires and interests and dreams have changed since I met John. What if John fulfilled a phase in my life (we were both divorced and have raised our children together) and that phase of my life is sunsetting? I can't deny how often I've been frustrated and unhappy over the few years. I just really don't know if my desire to love others came from that place of unhappiness or not. What if Paul is a person I might be truly happy with? Is that fairy tale bullshit, or could this be a matter of compatability? If I were just meeting John today, would I fall in love with him? I'm sorry to drop all these mono-focused questions here.

There just are no clear answers. It's really hard. I know that what I need more than anything is time to think without being pulled on by either party. I've consulted the stars and my friends and my intuition and my dreams, books, articles, blogs, podcasts... anything I can. Thank god I have therapy on Monday.

Thanks everyone.
 
I've been told that if a mono person can't accept being with a polyamorous person, then it's best to let them go, or at least be ready for them to be gone.
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Yup. If Paul is monogamous and you are poly? And Paul is not up for a mono-poly arrangement? Eventually this has to end. The only question is WHEN does it end? And HOW does it end?

But I don't want that. This feels like a big, important love––we mutually agree. Am I just overly romanticizing things?
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So it's a big important love.

That has a clock on it. Paul is only going to do this for a year. Then expects you to make a call. And if you do not choose monogamy with Paul, he prefers to bow out. So he'll be out.

Hard for me to trust myself after all these years of thinking I was in love with randoms. But I don't want to disregard it as just the fog of NRE. There is an unusual connection that I believe in with Paul––it's like nothing I've felt before. Maybe that's just because I'm older (40s) and the last time I truly connected with someone new (John) I was 30. I'm more myself than ever today. I've evolved. I connect differently.
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All that is fine. But doesn't change the fact that this Paul relationship has a clock on it.


My needs and desires and interests and dreams have changed since I met John. What if John fulfilled a phase in my life (we were both divorced and have raised our children together) and that phase of my life is sunsetting? I can't deny how often I've been frustrated and unhappy over the few years.
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Entirely possible. But John is a separate relationship than Paul.

Could address the unhappy/frustration parts with John and see if repair and revitalizing is possible. If not? Break up as peacefully as possible.

Just because you break up with John? Doesn't mean you are gonna do monogamy with Paul though. You may benefit from some time on your own to heal.


I just really don't know if my desire to love others came from that place of unhappiness or not.
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Does it matter? You sound too up in your head and your feelings. In practical terms? You love two people right now -- Paul and John.
Maybe spend more time in the practical, down to earth stuff?

What if Paul is a person I might be truly happy with?
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Be happy then while dating Paul however long that lasts. Why are you getting in your own way?

Is that fairy tale bullshit, or could this be a matter of compatability?
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All relationships are about compatibility. Why would anyone be in an incompatible relationship?

If I were just meeting John today, would I fall in love with him?
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You ARE NOT meeting John today. He is here.

The more accurate question might be "What kind of relationship do I want with John today?"

I'm sorry to drop all these mono-focused questions here.
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I don't think they are mono-focused. I think you might be struggling with the fact that you might have to end it with BOTH of them. John because that phase of life is sunsetting and unless you and John revitalize, it might be best broken up. And with Paul? He wants monogamy and you don't. So in a year you might have to drop him too.

Is the core problem a fear of being on your own for a while?

There just are no clear answers. It's really hard.
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Yes. It is hard because you are the person IN it experiencing all the feelings. I'm a reader, and an internet stranger. So I can read about it without all the emotions in the way. And to me?

You could be more decisive rather than "what if-ing" things and upsetting your own self with that anxiety. You have enough going on without piling extra load on top.

Either end it NOW with Paul because he wants monogamy and you won't be doing that. Or tell him you want a short term relationship and agree to part ways a year out. Then enjoy it while it lasts.

With John? Tell him about your concerns that this phase of life is sunsetting. And if you two don't revitalize and figure out a new chapter for "empty nest/kids are grown" time of life? You'd rather break up.

These decisions are going to lead to a lot more feelings. But it may feel better to get through because you are being decisive. Like passing your own boat trying to get somewhere. Rather than just not paddling at all and letting the river carry you every which way bopping into stuff.

I know that what I need more than anything is time to think without being pulled on by either party. I've consulted the stars and my friends and my intuition and my dreams, books, articles, blogs, podcasts... anything I can. Thank god I have therapy on Monday.
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Hopefully your therapy appointment is productive. But yes. Taking a time out from both partners so you aren't like "tug o war" feelings between them can help you make some calmer decisions.

I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
 
Hi Laurel,

It's probably worth mentioning that mono/poly relationships do exist; they are a thing. A challenging thing, to be sure -- but one that many people manage to do. It's a question of whether Paul can stand to share you with John -- Paul himself doesn't have to have multiple partners. If Paul says, "No, I can't share you with John," then you have to choose between Paul and John, and if you choose Paul, then the obvious outcome would be for both you and Paul to remain monogamous. But that doesn't mean mono/poly relationships don't exist.

Just a thought,
Kevin T.
 
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