New to poly

RoamingEnigma74

RoamingEnigma74

New member
Hello. I am hoping this is the right place to post this. I guess I should just jump in and share my situation.

Almost a year ago I met someone online. He lives a good deal away from me (about 5 to 6 hours on a plane). When I met this person I knew he was poly. Time went by and we got to know each other more. He is a sweet, funny, and caring person. We talk daily and spend as much time as we can talking to each other. We both acknowledged that feelings are there and we are planning to meet in March. This is a big step for me. Usually, I run for the hills as fast as I can when anything that can turn into feelings occurs.

He knows about the past trauma I have. He knows about the anxiety I have now. He is very understanding about everything. We have good communication and discuss things often. We make sure to touch base.

I am trying to get my brain to adjust to the situation. I have never been in a poly relationship before. The person I am in a relationship with sees one other person. Usually once a week. It is more a physical arrangement than anything. We have talked about it and he insures me I am the only one he has any romantic feelings for. He wants to pursue things with me and has not interest in starting anything else with anyone else. I believe him, but I can't help but to feel hurt when I know he is meeting with the other person. I try to remind myself about what he told me and the fact that he is flying 6 hours to see me in March.

I guess I just want to know if anyone out there has some advice for someone trying to adjust to a poly relationship. Any advice on how to not have the knee-jerk reaction of hurt. This person is worth trying to figure this out. He is the first person in 13 years that I have let walls down for.
Thanks for reading. Any advice at all is more than welcome.
 
I'm pretty new to poly so could be completely wrong with my take on his words - but it alarms me that he's busy reassuring you about romantic feelings, and having no interest in pursuing anyone-else without adding the caveat of - for now, or explaining how he may address new partners in the future...

You're new to the concept, you don't identify as poly, you need to understand that unless he's offering to stop being poly it's not something that will disappear from his love/sex life.

Even people in open relationships have anxiety and or jealousy at times when their partner is with another. It's the strength of your connection that allows lovers to sit with the secure knowledge that the person they love loves them and isn't about to permanently swap them for another.

Yes you've communicated for a year but you don't even really know this guy to have that level of trust installed. Your chemistry is untried in the physical realms.

If I were you I'd read a lot about polyamory and open relationships, work out if it's something that might work for you too, if so dive in with a sense of adventure but if you intend to stay mono while he lives a poly life you'll need to work out if in the long-term that's something you can be ok with.
 
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Token2 said:
I'm pretty new to poly so could be completely wrong with my take on his words - but it alarms me that he's busy reassuring you about romantic feelings, and having no interest in pursuing anyone-else without adding the caveat of - for now, or explaining how he may address new partners in the future...

You're new to the concept, you don't identify as poly, you need to understand that unless he's offering to stop being poly it's not something that will disappear from his love/sex life.

Even people in open relationships have anxiety and or jealousy at times when their partner is with another. It's the strength of your connection that allows lovers to sit with the secure knowledge that the person they love loves them and isn't about to permanently swap them for another.

Yes you've communicated for a year but you don't even really know this guy to have that level of trust installed. Your chemist is untried in the physical realms.

If I were you I'd read a lot about polyamory and open relationships, work out if it's something that might work for you too, if so dive in with a sense of adventure but if you intend to stay mono while he lives a poly life you'll need to work out if in the long-term that's something you can be ok with.
Click to expand...

When we talked about the future I let him know that if we do end up living in the same area I don't think I will be able to handle the poly lifestyle. He has lived most of his life monogamously. We both are not sure about how things will end up.. only that we are taking things slow and carefully. When I asked him about new partners he said that he is not interested in more than what he has now and is not looking for anything else.

I know I didn't state everything clearly enough or include everything. I am happy to clarify things though :)

Thank you for your reply!
 
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I am sorry you struggle. You don't have to answer here. But FWIW.. maybe some things to think about?

When we talked about the future I let him know that if we do end up living in the same area I don't think I will be able to handle the poly lifestyle.
Click to expand...

If you wouldn't do poly if he was local... why do it LDR?

The person I am in a relationship with sees one other person. Usually once a week. It is more a physical arrangement than anything.
Click to expand...

If he's got a FWB, it is more like "open relationship" to me and not poly. Polyamory means "many loves."

But say he did develop feelings for this person or another person. Would that be a deal breaker for you? You only want him to share love with you? If so... why bother to get involved more deeply with him rather than seek someone more compatible?

I am trying to get my brain to adjust to the situation. I have never been in a poly relationship before.
Click to expand...
I can't help but to feel hurt when I know he is meeting with the other person.
Click to expand...

So... why sign up for difficulties?

We both acknowledged that feelings are there and we are planning to meet in March. This is a big step for me. Usually, I run for the hills as fast as I can when anything that can turn into feelings occurs.
Click to expand...
He is the first person in 13 years that I have let walls down for.
Click to expand...
Why? In 13 years... No other person in your life was worth letting walls down? Not even for friendship? Why are/were you keeping yourself closed off? Are you at a healthy place for dating?

And are you at a healthy place for poly dating -- which has more variables/problems than dating to seek a monogamous partner? Simply because more people in the network means more calendars to juggle, more considerations, preferences etc to balance than when it is just 2 people?

This person is worth trying to figure this out.
Click to expand...

Did you feel ok enough letting walls down because he was "far away and LDR" so that felt "safe?"

So you let your guard down some? If so... Maybe that's all this needs to be. A trial run relationship?

But not actually doing anything or meeting up in person and escalating further?

He knows about the past trauma I have.
Click to expand...

You don't have to say what it was. But did you heal the past trauma?

We have talked about it and he insures me I am the only one he has any romantic feelings for. He wants to pursue things with me and has not interest in starting anything else with anyone else.
Click to expand...

Polyamory means "many loves."

So... why would you need this reassurance that his love is only for you? What if he develops romantic feelings for the other partner? Or changes his mind and wants to add a third partner.

Then what? Would that be a deal breaker for you?

I guess I just want to know if anyone out there has some advice for someone trying to adjust to a poly relationship.
Click to expand...

I suggest doing your soul searching about whether or not it's worth to even go there. Like... why should you have to adjust? What do you normally prefer in your romances? Is this falling outside of that? Don't let your soft feelings for the guy lead you away from your core values/preferences for your relationships. You have to remain true to your core values.

Like... Don't bend into pretzels for this guy just because it's the first person in a while you let in emotionally/mentally.

Maybe he's sort of a "comet relationship" in the sense that he flew in, let you experience some things so you realized you are ready to put yourself out there for dating again... but no. This one isn't gonna be a long haul runner because he wants open/poly and you want monogamy. So maybe you don't want to put all your eggs in this basket. What you are willing to risk/do/put up with... that's only something YOU can answer.

So do your soul searching and be super honest with yourself.

If you prefer monogamy and are considering doing open/poly with him just to gain access to him? And you expect that if he moves to be near you he'll give up his other relationships? Or you expect you to just break up with him at that point?

You have to assess if that's heart ache you want to deal in.

Maybe it's better to skip it.

If you still want to experiment and see where this goes? Continue to date other LOCAL people. Continue to work on your trauma healing and trusting people and letting them in.

If he is going to come visit? Do not share sex, and stay in separate hotels/places. Just because he spent money on a ticket to fly 5-6 hours doesn't mean you own him sex or have to house him in your space. Can't afford hotel? Then postpone the trip til more money is saved.

Don't let the big trip thing artificially put things on "fast forward" like it's some "we won't know when we'll get to be together again! Oh no!" drama. There can be other trips. Knowing someone for a year online is not the same as knowing them in person.

If you want to do some reading, you could start here.

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com

www.kathylabriola.com

kathylabriola.com - Articles

New Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola: Monogamy? In this Economy? Finances, Childrearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory by Laura Boyle Click Here _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

That is my suggestion. Think it out carefully, go slow, get poly educated.

Galagirl
 
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To me it actually sounds like you two may be compatible. Sounds like he values monogamy somewhat, or would be comfortable with committing to only having one romantic connection now or maybe later. Sounds like you're both using poly to mean "open" but not necessarily "many loves".

Re meeting up, did you mean you're planning to meet in May (this month?) Or March (next year?). Next year is a long time away and your LDR may feel a lot different by then.

You don't seem to want any kind of open relationship, really -- do you tolerate the once a week FWB because of the distance? It is uncomfortable, but you accept it?

When you told him you would probably want to be strictly monogamous if you lived in the same area, did he agree that he would want that? Or at least be willing to accept that?

I wish you well as you figure out your feelings and whether this relationship can work for you both.
 
Hmm, I actually had the opposite interpretation as fuchka (above). I would regard it as fishy or dishonest if someone is clear about being poly, but then doubles back and says Oh actually, they only love me / they don't want anyone else romantically / they have a weekly FWB that they don't regard as a real connection.

To me, none of that is being poly, so I am not clear on why your guy identifies as poly or what that means to him. It all sounds very vague. And vagueness is a recipe for mismatched expectations, wrong assumptions, and getting your hopes dashed when the real picture emerges.

But if as fuchka believes, he is really more sexually non-monogamous but genuinely fine with being monogamous in the future, I guess that's okay.
 
GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle. You don't have to answer here. But FWIW.. maybe some things to think about?



If you wouldn't do poly if he was local... why do it LDR?



If he's got a FWB, it is more like "open relationship" to me and not poly. Polyamory means "many loves."

But say he did develop feelings for this person or another person. Would that be a deal breaker for you? You only want him to share love with you? If so... why bother to get involved more deeply with him rather than seek someone more compatible?




So... why sign up for difficulties?



Why? In 13 years... No other person in your life was worth letting walls down? Not even for friendship? Why are/were you keeping yourself closed off? Are you at a healthy place for dating?

And are you at a healthy place for poly dating -- which has more variables/problems than dating to seek a monogamous partner? Simply because more people in the network means more calendars to juggle, more considerations, preferences etc to balance than when it is just 2 people?



Did you feel ok enough letting walls down because he was "far away and LDR" so that felt "safe?"

So you let your guard down some? If so... Maybe that's all this needs to be. A trial run relationship?

But not actually doing anything or meeting up in person and escalating further?



You don't have to say what it was. But did you heal the past trauma?



Polyamory means "many loves."

So... why would you need this reassurance that his love is only for you? What if he develops romantic feelings for the other partner? Or changes his mind and wants to add a third partner.

Then what? Would that be a deal breaker for you?



I suggest doing your soul searching about whether or not it's worth to even go there. Like... why should you have to adjust? What do you normally prefer in your romances? Is this falling outside of that? Don't let your soft feelings for the guy lead you away from your core values/preferences for your relationships. You have to remain true to your core values.

Like... Don't bend into pretzels for this guy just because it's the first person in a while you let in emotionally/mentally.

Maybe he's sort of a "comet relationship" in the sense that he flew in, let you experience some things so you realized you are ready to put yourself out there for dating again... but no. This one isn't gonna be a long haul runner because he wants open/poly and you want monogamy. So maybe you don't want to put all your eggs in this basket. What you are willing to risk/do/put up with... that's only something YOU can answer.

So do your soul searching and be super honest with yourself.

If you prefer monogamy and are considering doing open/poly with him just to gain access to him? And you expect that if he moves to be near you he'll give up his other relationships? Or you expect you to just break up with him at that point?

You have to assess if that's heart ache you want to deal in.

Maybe it's better to skip it.

If you still want to experiment and see where this goes? Continue to date other LOCAL people. Continue to work on your trauma healing and trusting people and letting them in.

If he is going to come visit? Do not share sex, and stay in separate hotels/places. Just because he spent money on a ticket to fly 5-6 hours doesn't mean you own him sex or have to house him in your space. Can't afford hotel? Then postpone the trip til more money is saved.

Don't let the big trip thing artificially put things on "fast forward" like it's some "we won't know when we'll get to be together again! Oh no!" drama. There can be other trips. Knowing someone for a year online is not the same as knowing them in person.

If you want to do some reading, you could start here.

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com

www.kathylabriola.com

kathylabriola.com - Articles

New Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola: Monogamy? In this Economy? Finances, Childrearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory by Laura Boyle Click Here _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

That is my suggestion. Think it out carefully, go slow, get poly educated.

Galagirl
Click to expand...

Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I do need to continue to do some thinking about things. It is one of the reasons we are taking things so slowly.
 
fuchka said:
To me it actually sounds like you two may be compatible. Sounds like he values monogamy somewhat, or would be comfortable with committing to only having one romantic connection now or maybe later. Sounds like you're both using poly to mean "open" but not necessarily "many loves".

Re meeting up, did you mean you're planning to meet in May (this month?) Or March (next year?). Next year is a long time away and your LDR may feel a lot different by then.

You don't seem to want any kind of open relationship, really -- do you tolerate the once a week FWB because of the distance? It is uncomfortable, but you accept it?

When you told him you would probably want to be strictly monogamous if you lived in the same area, did he agree that he would want that? Or at least be willing to accept that?

I wish you well as you figure out your feelings and whether this relationship can work for you both.
Click to expand...

We are meeting in March. It is a ways away, but we are taking things slowly. March seems like forever away, but I know time will go fast. And if we are at different places by then, it wasn't meant to happen anyway.

He does value monogamy as well. He is not ruling out monogamy, but we have a long way to go before we'd live in the area.

Thank you for you input.
 
MeeraReed said:
Hmm, I actually had the opposite interpretation as fuchka (above). I would regard it as fishy or dishonest if someone is clear about being poly, but then doubles back and says Oh actually, they only love me / they don't want anyone else romantically / they have a weekly FWB that they don't regard as a real connection.

To me, none of that is being poly, so I am not clear on why your guy identifies as poly or what that means to him. It all sounds very vague. And vagueness is a recipe for mismatched expectations, wrong assumptions, and getting your hopes dashed when the real picture emerges.

But if as fuchka believes, he is really more sexually non-monogamous but genuinely fine with being monogamous in the future, I guess that's
Click to expand...

Thank you for your veiwpoint. I am taking everything everyone said into consideration. I will be doing a lot of thinking in the coming days.
 
I am also curious whether you really meant you aren't planning to meet until March of 2023. By then it will have been 14 years since you've been on a date?
 
So, you've never met in person, but you've been talking online for a year, and aren't going to meet in person until March 2023, which is 10 months away?

That seems strange to me, and not worth getting your hopes dashed if it doesn't work out.

I would be very skeptical of someone "poly" who has an in-person FWB, but considers you his only romantic connection, but won't even meet you in person for almost a year.
 
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